Do the Necranomicon

With Matthew dead, Alfred happily walked across the stage and handed the pages to Tino. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Said Tino. He looked over the pages. "Okay, so there are two separate passages; the first will cause the evil to manifest itself in the flesh."

"Why the hell would we want to do that?" Asked Alfred.

"Because we have to." Said Tino. "But be warned, once awakened the evil will perform a ceremonial war ritual to honour the Necranomicon."

Alfred sighed a little. "A ceremonial war ritual from hell? Not looking forward to that… That's going to be hellish, guaranteed."

"I know." Said Tino. "Once the ritual is complete, the second passage will open a passage in space and time, through which we need to push the evil back. But Alfred be warned… if anything goes awry the recitation we must be prepared. Which is why we need this." Tino quickly ran around and picked up the chainsaw. He slipped one end of the chainsaw over Alfred's stump, giving him a chainsaw hand.

"Dude… this is awesome." Said Alfred with a grin.

Tino smiled happily and walked over to the side of the stage, Alfred followed him. "Okay, here we go." Said Tino as he grabbed the pages and started to recite. "Nos varatos alamenda canda."

"CANDA! CANDA! CANDA!" Yelled the Candarian demons as they slowly dragged themselves onto the stage. This was everyone; Feliciano, Matthew, Arthur, Francis, Scott, Gilbert… everyone.

Matthew grinned sadistically as he pulled himself out of the trap door. "Now we honour the Necranomicon."

The other demons chanted. "Now we honour the Necranomicon
Now we honour the Necranomicon
Now we honour the Necranomicon.

The demons got into two lines as Gilbert took centre stage. "Now we honour the Necranomicon
With our very own special dance.

"How the hell do demons do their very own special dance?" Asked Alfred.

Gilbert looked over at Alfred and grinned. "In hell we dance our own special way
Let's show him how we dance while our bodies decay.

"Do we bounce like Backstreet?" Asked Francis.

Gilbert shook his head. "Not without a heartbeat."

"Do we grind like Michale Bivens?" Asked Scott.

Gilbert shook his head. "Bel Biv Devoe before the living."

"Do we whoop like Tag Team?" Asked Arthur.

Gilbert shook his head. "Not without a bloodstream."

Feliciano jumped. "Let's Macarena like that group did!"

"No that's just stupid." Said Gilbert.

All the demons started to sing and dance in unison. "Deadite zombies like to get their freak on
And when we get together they do the Necranomicon
Do the Necranomicon
Do the Necranomicon
Come on, come on
And do the Necranomicon.

Gilbert grinned and did a quick spin on the spot. "You gotta follow the moves
Right to the letter
It's just like the time warp

The other demons stopped at stared at the albino in shock. "What?!"

Gilbert smirked. "Only better!"

The demons cheered happily. "First we jump
Then we sit down
Then we get back up
And lasso all around
Then we spin
Clap our hands
Then take a big moment to acknowledge the band
Do the robot
And the sprinkler
And finish it off with our best Henry Winkler!

Deadite zombies like to get their freak on
And when we get together they do the Necranomicon
Do the Necranomicon
Do the Necranomicon
Come on, come on
And do the Necranomicon."

"Can we kill these suckers yet?" Asked Francis.

Gilbert shook his head. "Just wait a little bit."

"Can we beat them with a shoe?" Asked Scott.

Gilbert shook his head. "Not 'til we're done the tune."

"Can we mutilate these fools?" Asked Matthew.

Gilbert shook his head. "No! Follow the rules."

"I say we attack!" Said Feliciano.

Gilbert stared at Feliciano. "What are you on? Crack?
After our dance we'll attack our old friends
But before we do that, let's Necranomicon again

The demons cheered again. "First we jump
Then we sit down
Then we get back up
And lasso all around
Then we spin
Clap our hands
Then take a big moment to acknowledge the band
Do the robot
And the sprinkler
And finish it off with our best Henry Winkler.

Deadite zombies like to get their freak on
And when we get together they do the Necranomicon

Do the Necranomicon

Do the Necranomicon."

"How the hell do we stop this horrible dance?" Asked Alfred. "I don't think I can take another bad Henry Winkler impersonation."

"I only read the first of the passages." Said Tino.

"Well let's finish it quick." Said Alfred.

Tino nodded and started to read the second passage. "Quanda nostraava AHHHHHHHH!" Tino fell to the ground, fake blood squirting out his back. On the table was Alfred's severed hand holding a dagger.

"Curse you hand" Cried Alfred. He crouched down next to Tino. "Tino! Tino! Don't die, I can't destroy this evil without you!"

"You can do it Alfred…" Gasped Tino. "It's time for you to stand and fight… It's time…" Tino went limp.

Alfred looked out into the audience and slowly stood up. "It's time
To fulfil my purpose
In life
We are born with a destiny
It's time
To accept my calling
To go
On a ravenous demon-killing spree
It's time to finally take a stand
Fight with my stump and my good hand
Stop talking trash
And kick some demon ass
It is time.

"Oh, it's time, Ash, but not for what you think." Sang Gilbert.

The other laughed and slowly stumbled over to Alfred "It's time for you
Al to die
It's time for us
Zombies to rise
It's time for you
To say goodbye
It's time for
Oh it's time
Ooo ooo ooo.

Alfred cleared his throat as he slowly walked to centre stage. "It's time
Time to hurt demon feelings
These here walls there can be only one

It's time
To increase demon bleeding
You will die by the saw or the gun
To harass
To whoop some ass
Time to kill
Demons en mass
Oh, it's time.

The demons continued to sing. "Time to fight
Time to brawl
Time to kill
Time to maul
Kick you square
In the balls
It's time to-oo rip you to ta-atters
Time to-oo make your blood splatter
Through the shed
Join the evil dead
It is time.

Alfred looked out into the audience as the demons surrounded him. "You know that I'm right
I'm not dying tonight
It's a holiday
When I'm in despair
I adjust my hair
And make evil pay
At the edge of the night
There's not a Deadite
I can't handle


"When danger calls
You must have the balls
Of an ox or a bear or any large mammal

"Any large mammal
It's time for you Al to die

"Is that so?"

"It's time for us zombies to rise."

"I sing no-o."

"It's time for you to say goodbye."

"Alright let's go-o."

"It's time for
It's time.

Alfred shot one of the demons while slicing another with his chainsaw. It was a small battle filled with fake blood and overly dramatic deaths from the demons as the fell off the stage and were throw out the window by the American. It was amazingly gory, but eventually Alfred rained victorious. But his vioctory was short lived when the demons got up again and dragged themselves towards Alfred.

"What?" Cried Alfred in shock. "What?! No! No, it can't be! You're coming back to life. No. I killed you. I killed you all! You're dead!"

The demons laughed and started to sing in unison as they dragged themselves towards Alfred. "You must realize
We will never die
We're already dead
We've died twice before
But we're back for more
You can't stop the dead.

You can't kill the kill
And you can't pass on the pass
Now we'll take that chainsaw
And we'll shove it up your-"

"Alfred!" Cried Tino.

Alfred quickly dodged the demons as he ran to Tino's side. "Tino! You've come back to life! Seems to be happening a lot around here… Quick Tino, read the rest of the passage and send these demons back to hell!"

Tino looked over the pages and with his dying breath read the last of the words. "Canda nefrata Kamanda!" The lights started to flash as the demons screamed, being pulled back by an invisible force back to hell. The lights went out. A woman's voice started to speak.

"So with his dying breath, Tino read the passages, sent the Canderian demons back to hell and finally Alfred and Tino were able to put a stop to this unspeakable evil…"

A few moments later the lights came back on and Alfred was standing in the middle of S-mart. He no longer had the chainsaw attached to his arm, but he was still missing his hand. He was surrounded by S-mart customers and the janitor.

Alfred grinned triumphantly. "And that, loyal S-mart customers is how I saved all of mankind."

A man with red hair walked up to Alfred. "Wait a minute, wait a minute… you mean to tell me that after saving all of mankind you came directly back here to work at S-mart?"

Alfred rolled his eyes. "No I didn't come directly back here to work at S-mart… There was a brief period where I was sent back to medieval times, and the people there worshiped me as their king… But that's another story."

A man with long blond hair tied back in a ponytail frowned a little. "Wait… if Tino died while reciting the passages, how do you know he said all the words to dispel all the evil correctly?"

"Well maybe he didn't say every single tiny syllable." Said Alfred. "But basically he said them… Basically."

An albino man chuckled a little. "Wow, Alfred… That story is… That story is um… The biggest crock of shit I have ever heard in my life."

As everyone laughed the red hair smirked. "Okay everyone, let's forget about this bullshit story and go back to all those great prices." Everyone chuckled and nodded in agreement. A small blond with thick eyebrows walked over to Alfred while everyone else had turned away.

"Hey…" He said. "You know that story you told, about killing demons and stuff? I um… thought it was pretty cool."

Alfred smiled a little. "Really?"

Suddenly a man with crazy blond hair that stuck up everywhere turned around. He had zombie makeup on his face. "Look whose evil now!" This caused everyone to scream and panic, but Alfred knew just what to do. He grabbed a gun and pointed it at the demon.

"Sir. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store." Said Alfred darkly.

The demon just smirked. "Who the hell are you?"

"Name's Alfred, housewares."

The demon laughed. "I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!"

Alfred rolled his eyes and started shooting at the demon. This made said demon jump and cry out in shock before turning and running off stage. Alfred quickly followed and shot it again. Everyone was too shocked to speak. "So, do you screw-heads believe I can save you from Candarian demons now?" Asked Alfred.

Music started up again and the albino looked at Alfred in shock. "Well we thought you were fucking with us."

"We thought you were a lying prick." Sang the red head.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." Sang the man with long blond hair.

"All that jive about you killing demons." Sang a small brunet.

"It just sounded like, uh, bullshit." Sang the long haired blond.

"But apparently you weren't talking smack." Sang the albino.

"Cause we saw that evil guy." Sang the short haired blond.

"He was going to eat us!" Cried a blond with a hair curl.

The red head nodded. "Axe us up and then beat us."

"'Til you shot him in the tits." Sang the albino.

"That's right you saved us!" Cried the red head

The customers all nodded in agreement. "You saved our li-ives
You saved us all

The red head patted Alfred on the back. "You're the baddest motherfucker in this whole strip mall."

All the customers started to sing again. "We thought you were a phony
On some anti-hero
But now we see that you're a hero
And you saved the day
Because you blew that bitch away.

Alfred grinned. "Well I told you I could kill these demons
And none of you believed me.

"No, no, no. Yeah!"

"That's why you're merely customers
While I'm the S-Mart employee
." Sang Alfred.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah!"

"Cause I'll kill what looks even slightly evil
Who knows who the next victim will be?

"Not me!"

"Cause I shoot."


"And kill."


"And saw."


"We need a clean-up on aisle three."

"You are the ma-an."

"I bitch slap evil with my one good hand."

"You're our hero."

"I shot down Deities like they owe me dough."


"I saw that demon try to ruin your shopping day."

"Shopping day."

"So I grabbed my twelve gage and I blew him away."

"Blew that bitch away."

The red head smirked. "That's right you blew."

"Blew that bitch away."

"Blew that bitch away-ay."

"Blew that bitch away."

"You blew her through speed a rite."

"Blew that bitch away."

"You blew her like I draw team."

"Blew that bitch away." Sang the customers. "We used to hate you and your lying' ways. But now we changed our minds and see you're okay
Because you blew that bitch away-ay

Blew that bitch away!


They struck a pose and the lights went out. When the lights came back on everyone took their bows and the curtain closed. The Evil Dead musical had come to an end… and most likely Elizaveta's directing career.

The End

Shinigami-cat: Hope you all liked this and please read my other stories. Please review