A/N: You guys can say whatever you want about this, but right now I'm going through a depression faze, again, and I'm hoping that if I write this, it will help me feel a little bit better and help me not want to start cutting again.
Summary: In a sudden fit of depression, Artemis starts cutting. No one notices because on the outside she was her regular, kick ass self. But, finally, Wally notices and confronts her about her problems.
Disclaimer: I think these are kind of stupid, I know you don't own this and you should know that I obviously don't own it, but I guess I'll throw it in anyways. At the moment I don't give a damn about much.
P.S. This will probably take place during season one. Between the time when she moves to Gotham Academy and maybe after Failsafe. I'll just have to see how it goes.
Blood, Sweat, and Tears:
She was washing dishes in the kitchen when it suddenly hit her. She didn't even know where it came from. It just hit her, hard. Honestly, she didn't even know what it was. The only thing she DID know was that it hurt like hell.
She looked back at everything she had done recently. She didn't remember being injured during her after hours crime fighting with the team, and her body didn't feel like it was physically hurt.
What she did remember was her father visiting her. She had her father, her sister, and their "associate" breathing down her neck, trying to convince her to join the "dark side." She remembered moving away from all her friends at Gotham North to Gotham Academy, where she didn't know a soul. She did remember that no one on her team really trusted her. She remembered how she felt after she got her memories back in Bialya.
Then she went farther back. The memories wouldn't stop. She remembered her sister leaving her behind. She remembered her mother getting arrested. She remembered her father training her to kill, and beating her if she slipped up.
She remembered telling her friends at Gotham North that she was going to be going to Gotham Academy, and how they didn't want to talk to her anymore because of it. She remembered looking around the courtyard at her new school and seeing the multiple cliques of students that seemed impossible to penetrate. She remembered sitting alone at lunch for the first couple days until someone took pity on her and joined her.
She felt like crying. She bit it back. She was Artemis Crock, and she didn't DO crying. But why did she feel like she had just been punched in the gut? She felt confused and unhappy and even a little angry. She looked around the kitchen and her eyes fell on a knife beside the sink.
People cut when they were unhappy. Like emos. She wasn't an emo, but would it hurt to see if they really knew what they were talking about. She picked it up and looked at it. The silver of the knife gleamed in the light and reflected her face, like a mirror. She didn't look like hell, but she felt like it.
She looked at the knife, then at the tanned skin of her wrist. She brought the knife to her skin, and let it rest there. The metal was cold against her skin. She bit her lip, preparing herself for only God knew what. Then she stopped.
What the hell am I thinking?! She thought.
But that thought only lasted a moment. Her heart felt like it was beating like a jackhammer. She felt like there was something running through her veins, something that caused her heart to just barely fall short of breaking. Something that could only be released through the shedding of her blood, the opening of her veins.
She brought the knife to her wrist again, but looked at her skin for a minute. She turned her wrist over so she was staring at the back of her hand, and brought the knife to her skin. She grit her teeth together, and pushed down, then dragged it across her skin.
It tickled at first, but then it hurt a little, only a little. She had expected blinding pain from the cut, but what she felt was . . . relief? Release? Euphoria? She didn't know, but God she knew that she felt better. She looked down at her wrist and saw that she was bleeding profusely. Which wasn't good, even thought it had felt great.
She cleaned the wound and put a big bandaid on it. She had cut herself deeper than she thought she did. She cleaned up the blood and then the knife. She put it in the sink to soak. She felt like smiling again, maybe even laughing. For the moment, she was feeling better.
She looked through her's and Jade's room and found a clunky bracelet under Jade's bed. She slipped it around her wrist. It covered up the bandage perfectly.
She changed her clothes and grabbed her jacket. She had decided that she was going to go to cave for a while. She bounded out of her room and kissed her mom on the cheek, telling her that she would be back later.
She left and headed for the transporter. She was in such a good mood; she figured that she might as well share it with her friends. She got into the transporter and was transported to the cave in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island. If her friends thought it was weird that she was so cheerful, they never let on.
It wasn't long after she cut the first time that she was doing it again and again. Sometimes they were small cuts, and sometimes they were larger cuts. But she always managed to cover them up somehow, and no one seemed to notice. For a while, all she wanted was for people to look at her wrists and accuse her of hurting herself, but then again she didn't want people looking at her and thinking that she was weak. It was after moments like that that she would reach for her hunting knife and give herself a fresh cut.
And every time she cut, she felt better again. Eventually someone might notice, she reasoned, but until then she would revel in the amazing feeling of relief that she could give herself. When she felt like she was flying as high as kite was when she liked to approach things in her life.
Not even her mom noticed, but then again, she didn't want her mom to find out about it. She didn't want to think about the disappointment that she might see in her mom's eyes if she found out. Her mom seemed so happy that her daughter was happy, and Artemis didn't want to upset her. Besides, she argued, she could stop whenever she wanted.
After a while, she got used to things and thought that maybe, just maybe, she didn't need to cut anymore. It's easier said then done, she realized. But she had managed it. She was going strong again, being her kick ass self with out the high that cutting gave to her. But then it all came crashing down on her.
Red Tornado and his "siblings" attacked the cave. She watched as M'Gann and Kaldur lay dying in a blazing fire cage, and Wally and Conner get swallowed up by water. She watched Robin almost drown. But she managed to pull through and save the day.
The team congratulated her, but she knew she wasn't worth congratulating. To save the day, she had cut. The cut had given her her much needed high, and she rode it to save her friends. And she knew it wouldn't be as easy to stop again. Afterwards, she had to cut a couple more times, just to banish the new wave of depression that hit her.
It wasn't until after that little episode with the team where she died that she started slipping up on hiding it from the world. Her first mistake was cutting at the cave. Wally walked in on her when she was cleaning up and bandaging her fresh cut.
"Whatcha doing Arty?" He asked her.
"Nothing. I was just, uh, checking to make sure we have enough medical supplies," She stammered.
He just looked at her weird, but he accepted it. Artemis went home that night, and searched her body for a new place to start cutting since her wrists were getting pretty scarred. After that, she started cutting on her legs, high up on her thigh where no one would be able to see unless they saw her naked.
Her next mistake happened after she ran into Cheshire, her sister. Fighting her with her team just brought back bad memories. Her childhood, the verbal, and sometimes physical abuse, from her father, the fact that she'd spent her whole life learning how to kill instead of how to save. Eventually her friends managed to over power Cheshire, and she ran.
Artemis got back to the cave before she felt the depression sneaking up on her again. It felt like it was closing in on her and she was going to drown in it. She couldn't wait as long as it would take her to get home to cut, so she ran to her room and slammed her door. She looked through her drawers, flung her clothes out of her closet, and ripped off her bed sheets trying to find her knife.
When she didn't find it, she figured she would deal with the scalpels in the med area. She practically ripped her door off their hinges in her attempt to hastily run to the med area. She burst through the door, completely ignoring Kid Flash, and rummaged through the small cupboard on the wall. She found a small scalpel and held it in her hand, victory filling her heart.
She ripped off the glove of her costume and made a deep cut on her wrist, this time the front instead of the back. She bit her lip and let the pain bring on the relief and release. She grabbed the head of the scalpel and held it tight in her hand, letting it pierce her skin there, and continued to take in the beautiful pain that brought a small smile to her face.
"Oh my GOD! Artemis, what are you doing?" She barely heard Kid Flash shout at her. She was no longer on this plane. She was on the next plane over, where she didn't have a problem in the world. She suddenly felt a stinging sensation that just didn't fit in her regular heaven.
"Stop!" She complained.
"Artemis, what have you been doing to yourself?" Wally demanded. He was attempting to disinfect and bandage her wounds.
"Like you care!" Artemis argued, slowly coming off of her high. "Let go of me! I don't need your help."
"Artemis, stop. I need to take care of this," Wally tried grabbing her around the waist, but she wiggled free and tried to get him to let go of her wrist.
"Superboy! Robin! I need you!" Wally cried out.
"No!" Artemis cried. She couldn't let them see what was happening to her.
She heard the boys come running. She tried struggling with Wally again, but she was losing steam. Her high was disappearing too quickly.
"What's wrong KF?" Robin asked, bursting into the room.
"Help me hold down Artemis," Wally told him.
"No!" Artemis started fighting again. Why was this happening to her? This wasn't what was supposed to happen. She had to bite her lip to hold the tears back. They were supposed to vanish when she cut, when she felt her one release.
She felt Superboy's arms wrap around her and she knew she couldn't fight anymore. She stopped fighting and let Robin and Kid Flash grab her arms. She heard gasps from Robin and Superboy.
"What happened?" Robin demanded.
"She was cutting herself!" Wally told him.
"Artemis? Why?" Robin asked her. She could hear the disappointment, the astonishment in his voice.
She just couldn't meet his eyes. She felt the stinging again on her hand and peaked out of the corner of her eye to see Wally disinfecting the cut on her hand. She felt light fingertips brushing her hand and her wrists. Robin started wrapping gauze around her wrist when he stopped.
"How long have you been cutting?" He asked her softly. She didn't answer. "Have you been cutting anywhere else?" She still didn't answer. "Will we have to do a strip search?"
She clenched up at that. She tried to fight again, but Superboy had a strong grip on her.
"Wally, go get M'gann and notify Aqualad about what is happening," Robin ordered Wally.
Wally nodded and zipped away. Robin continued to wrap gauze around Artemis' wrist and then started wrapping up her hand. With a slight breeze Wally was back and Artemis heard Aqualad and M'gann running to the med area.
"What is going on?" Aqualad asked.
"Artemis seems to be cutting herself. We need M'gann to check the rest of her body to see if she's cutting else where," Robin told their leader.
"Artemis?" Aqualad looked at her. She still didn't look up. She tried to escape one last time, but Superboy's grip couldn't be broken.
M'gann came forward and took Artemis' uninjured hand. She looked to Superboy and he let Artemis go. M'gann led Artemis behind one of the curtains and took off her mask for her. Artemis didn't move, and didn't help M'gann help look over her body. She didn't want to see what she had done.
M'gann was soon examining the cuts on her legs, even replacing a few bandages that were soaked with blood. M'gann sent Wally to get some pajamas from Artemis' room while Artemis just sat on the bed, looking off into space.
"Her room is trashed," Wally whispered to the small group waiting for him.
M'gann brought Artemis the sweat pants and loose t-shirt. She helped her put them on, and then looked at her arms and wrists. She removed one of the big bracelets that Artemis had been wearing and discovered even more scars underneath it. Finally she threw the curtain back and the boys approached.
"She has scars on the back of both wrists it seems and cuts up and down her legs," M'gann told them, looking at Artemis oddly.
"Can I talk to her alone?" Wally asked the team.
They met each others eyes and then Aqualad nodded. They left one by one, leaving Kid Flash and Artemis along.
"Why?" Kid Flash sat down next to Artemis on the bed.
"It feels so good," Artemis finally said. Wally winced.
"I don't know."
"How long?" He tried.
"I don't know," She said again.
"I'm always here for you, you know that, right?" Wally told her.
Finally, Artemis broke. She started crying. Wally was startled for a minute, but then he grabbed her shoulders gently and hugged her. She wrapped her arms around his waist and sobbed into his shoulder. Maybe there's hope for me after all, she thought.
I hope you guys thought it was okay. I'd appreciate it if you guys didn't do any flames or anything. I don't even really care if you comment or like it, but I really needed to get that off my chest. And I AM feeling all little better. Thanks for listening/reading guys.