Sterek fanfic AU version…
I'm not even sure how I got here, how I arrived at this place in time we all call life. How I managed, in seemingly no time at all, to disregard everything I've grown known as truth and become so wrapped up in all of this. Last thing I remember, last thing that seemed normal was preaching the word of God and actually meaning it. I guess it's time I start from the beginning and explain what exactly has happened to me, how a pastor who's grown up in church all of his life could risk losing his wife and kids over what shouldn't be at all-the forbidden love.
I remember being young, sitting on the front pew with my mother, all dressed up in my Sunday's best listening and watching my father preach. He had been the pastor of that church since before I was born so naturally the congregation watched me grow up. Lydia is my sister and is a few years older than me, she was what the congregation called "trouble." There would be whispers and rumors and snickers all saying "there goes that Hale child, up to no good again," it kind of made me sad and another part of it made me angry that they would talk about her in that negative manner. I always thought the bible was about forgiveness and understanding not judgment and hatred and me being so young I couldn't understand how to separate the two. Now Lydia had long flowing red hair and more curves than a girl her age should have but she wasn't a bad child like everyone made it seem. She just liked to have fun, show her body off, and cuss; there was nothing wrong with that my father cussed all the time and even in the bible there were cuss words. Lydia always made fun of me though because I was so skinny and nerdy, I carried a bible around with me everywhere I went and I thought the word of God was the law of the land. At fifteen I started doing sermons on fourth Sunday which was youth Sunday, then at 18 I went to divinity school and was ordained. Throughout the years I manage to buff up nicely, had to prove my sister that she was wrong about me being a nerdy skinny kid the rest of my life and one day while I was in the gym I met Allison.
Allison was the love of my life instantly, I knew she would be the girl I would marry and she would bare all of my children and everything would be the way it should be kind of like 7th heaven. She was wearing a sports bra and black yoga pants, and had her hair in a bun. She was running on the treadmill and I was working on the weights that faced her. I had on a tight muscle shirt and sweat was dripping off my body but our eyes met and through the heavy panting and sweating we knew we were made for each other. I got off the weights, walked up to her, and leaned against her machine as she took her headphones out of her ears and smiled. "I saw you over here running and while I don't mean to be disrespectful I just knew instantly I had to meet you. My name is Derek, Derek Hale." She gave me the cutest smile, titled her head and responded with "Sorry for not slowing down I'm on a timer but it's nice to meet you Derek, I'm Allison Argent. If you give me like another five minutes we could talk properly." And that's exactly what I did. I waited for her by the water fountain and exchange numbers and decided to meet up for dinner that same night.
As we arrived to the restaurant she looked stunning in her black dress that fit her shape well. She had her hair down in curls and every time she smiled her dimples would show.
Derek: So Allison tell me a little about you
Allison: Born and raised here with my brother Jackson and our two cousins Stiles and Danny…their parents died in a car accident when they were like three years old Danny managed okay but Stiles on the other hand…Stiles cling on to his best friend Scott, and in the early years we got him counseling but nothing helped.
Derek: Why did Stiles take it the worst?
Allison: He was in the car when it happened…his mom was able to get out and opened the door to get him when she was side swiped by an ongoing car and he watched her die. He had nightmares for years and Scott was able to help, he was with him every second of the way…a lot of unhealthy sleepovers were had by those two. And you know I had to be the bigger sister and help take care of them with my mother.
Derek: Was she a single mother
Allison: Yup..my dad, Peter, ran out on us a long time ago but I never think too much about it nor am I angry with him. I have peace in my heart
Derek: So I take it you are religious?
Allison: Church every Sunday, does that bother you?
Derek: Not at all, I'm a pastor.
Allison: Then I guess it's fate that brought us together.
And fate it was indeed. Allison and I went on 11 more dates before I asked her to marry me, she said she had a premonition we were going to get married one day and didn't hesitate to say yes. We waited to the wedding night to have sex and it was magical, I think she got pregnant on the first try. 9 months later twins were introduced into the world and I should have been the happiest man alive but something inside me didn't feel complete.
The first day I preached service after the twins were born is the first day everything started to change for me. I was standing behind the podium giving my sermon when a young man walked into the congregation and sat beside Allison. He looked as if he just started to work out and had medium length black curly hair and a quirky little smile. He gave Allison a hug and placed his hand on her lap but instead of getting jealous I couldn't help but stare at this guy; I wanted to find out who he was and what he was all about and I had no idea as to why. After the sermon ended I walked up to Allison and the twins and she congratulated me on a wonderful sermon but I was still fixed on him.
Allison: Where are my manners, baby this is Stiles, my cousin I told you about who just got home from the army.
Stiles: Nice to meet you Mr. Hale…well Rev. Hale…or is it Pastor Hale…sorry my palms are sweaty
Derek: (His being nervous made me smile) It's okay…you can just call me Derek…we are family after all…sorry you couldn't make it to the wedding.
Stiles: Awe I'm sorry as well I would have loved to see my cousin in a wedding dress…but I am home for good my tour ended two days ago.
Derek: Well that's good to hear means I'll actually get to see you…get to know you.
Stiles: I look forward to it…but hey Allison I'm going to stop by and see more of you and the twins later on tonight if that's okay with you two…I just want to see my Scott first.
Derek: Scott? (why did I just blurt that out loud?)
Allison: Yeah Derek you remember me telling you about Scott…he was at the wedding
Derek: Oh jaw line guy…I remember
Stiles: Ha…yes jaw line guy..he has something special planned for me so I'm a go over there for a bit.
Allison: How are you? How are the nightmares…
Stiles: Can we not do this now?
Allison: Derek's right here why don't you schedule an appointment with him, he mentors it could probably help.
Stiles: As you wish….
Derek: Stop by anytime tomorrow I'll be in my office.
As he walked away I was kicking myself in my mind for mentioning the fact we were now family. I didn't want him picturing me as family but then I thought to myself I shouldn't care if he thought I was family or not. Why is this guy plaguing my mind? I needed to get him out of my head so I went to the alter and prayed. Prayed God would take any thoughts that would enter my head out of my head before they can ever come to light. I prayed to God to forgive me for entertaining the thought of being intrigued by this guy and I prayed to God to rid me of any sins. I'm usually confidant in my prayers but after leaving the church and thinking about him being with Scott all the way home, I knew then God hadn't heard my prayers and that I was on my on with this one.
The more time passed the more I kept wondering if Stiles was actually going to show up later that night or not. I kept looking at the clock, then at my watch, then pacing back and forth from room to room like some school girl crushing on the new guy. If it wasn't for my wife making me sit still I think I would have gotten in my car to find him. Which I'm grateful I didn't do because moments later the doorbell rung and I knew it was him. He came in and went immediately to the twins who were in the kitchen after just getting fed. Stiles picked the twin girl up and started bouncing her on his hip, she was laughing and he was laughing but I forgot to warn him they just ate and then it happen…all over his shirt she spit up and while he thought it was adorable I couldn't stop gagging. Allison made Stiles take his shirt off and gave him a cloth to wipe his chest down with; and all I kept thinking was "really? This man who I can't stop thinking about is now shirtless and wet standing in my kitchen." I couldn't be tempted, I had no idea why I was even being tempted because I knew I wasn't gay. I could look at a thousand naked guys and feel nothing but this one guy in particular, Stiles, I look at him and I melt. So I did the only responsible thing I could think of, go into my room and grab the bible and pray these thoughts away.
Stiles: Derek? Oh sorry I didn't know you were praying…
Derek: (Crap) Oh it's okay come in, come in
Stiles: Allison told me I could borrow one of your shirts
Derek: Sure…top drawer take your pick.
Stiles: You really like black shirts huh?
Derek: I don't like a lot of change or options…black is nice and simple
Stiles: I wish I could be more like you…to me I have to keep exploring the world, everything has to be constantly changing for me. It allows me not to get close to anyone.
Derek: (For the love of all humanity please put a shirt on) I'm guessing that is why you joined the army?
Stiles: Yeah, the army isn't permanent…I never got to go into combat and once I came out I get a check. Pretty sweet deal to me.
Derek: You're so young, now is the time to settle down start a family…or just have fun..
Stiles: Ha….I can honestly say starting a family is not in the cards for me…
Derek: (No don't sit down) Well you didn't come all the over here to talk about life…you came to catch up and see the babies….you and I will be able to discuss more tomorrow.
Stiles: You're right..I came in here for a shirt and for some reason I just want to tell my whole life story to you.
Derek: Whelp comes with the territory of being a pastor..I'll see you in the living room.
The rest of the night I tried to keep my distance but every time I turned around there he was, I wasn't sure who talk to about this so I called my sister.
Derek: I really need you right now
Lydia: Sadly you are not the first guy to say that phrase to me tonight
Derek: Do I want to know?
Lydia: Not really but continue.
Derek: Allison's cousin…I met him today..and well for some reason I can't get him out of my head.
Derek: Finally what?
Lydia: Finally you have some drama going on in your life, I'm tired of it always being me…do you find him attractive?
Derek: I don't know…I'm drawn to him, he was even shirtless sitting on my bed, chest wet and I pictured myself licking him. What is wrong with me
Lydia: Nothing is wrong with you Derek you're human
Derek: I'm a pastor
Lydia: And? That means you aren't allowed to fall in love..who said Allison was meant for you maybe this Stiles guy is meant for you or maybe some girl you meet tomorrow…stop living your life based on a book written by several people over a course of hundreds of years.
Derek: I believe in that book Lydia that is why…the bible dictates my life because it provides a structured road map to how God intended us all to live. Why can't you understand that?
Lydia: Because God intended for us to be happy and if we aren't hurting anybody then I say the hell with it…love who you want to love and stop beating yourself up about it.
Derek: If I give into sin I will hate myself for the rest of my life. I can't preach to people about the bible while I throw it out the window.
Lydia: Then I really don't know why you called me. Derek you are letting your faith decide your fate…stop thinking so literally and just open yourself up to new experiences. Look I got to go, I'm not going to tell mom or dad about this but just be happy for once, you deserve it and remember God gave you free will for a reason.
We hung up the phone and I felt incomplete, I felt torn because a part of me wanted to pray this demon away but another part of me, a bigger part, knew she was right. I went to sleep in hopes when I woke the next day he would be out of my mind for good. Needless to say, I was wrong. The next morning I woke up, took my shower, got myself together to go downstairs and who should I see in his boxer shorts dancing at the sink?
Derek: Ummm Stiles?
Stiles: Sorry Derek, it was late last night so I crashed in the guest bedroom hope you didn't mind.
Derek: No, no that's fine of course mi casa es tu casa.
Stiles: Well as a thank you I made breakfast…not sure what you liked so I just made a little of everything, bacon, sausage, eggs, pancakes…hope you like it.
Derek: Well you're doing better than Allison, I'm usually the one doing the cooking in the house.
Stiles: You name it, and I'll cook it anytime anyplace.
Derek: I'll hold you to that.
Stiles: I was thinking, if you didn't have any morning appointments if I could get a ride to the church with you this morning.
Stiles: Oh yea I almost forgot here's your coffee…I made it the way I like it so hopefully you'll like it.
Derek: It tastes perfect…thank you…and how will you get home from church.
Stiles: Scott will pick me up…I'll be ready once you get done eating.
He left to the guest bedroom to get dressed and as I sat with my food I began to picture him in the shower. I tried to push the images out of my head but I couldn't contain it and then it happened…I became stiff and couldn't hide it, I tried to push it down but nothing would work the images of Stiles in the shower kept reappearing in my head until I was saved by a crying baby. By the time I got done changing the twins, and eating Stiles was ready and we headed off to the church. He sat in the chair in front of my desk and began to unload his problems immediately.
Stiles: I think I'm in trouble. Not trouble as in by the law or anything but trouble as in with God.
Derek: What do you mean?
Stiles: Well I think I'm in love with Scott, but all my life I've been told being gay is an abomination and well frankly I don't want to be an abomination. I don't want to have a harsh life just because of who I love but I can't help but to love him; he's been there for me throughout my whole life and he's the one who introduced me to sex.
Derek: (It felt like a knife was jabbing my stomach) Have you two had sex?
Stiles: When we were younger we used to play with each other till we you know came…he said it was alright to do because we were best friends.
Derek: When did the playing start?
Stiles: Around age 10.
Derek: Do you find yourself attracted to any other men?
Stiles: That's the thing I like girls, or least I used to like girls but after coming home from the army and seeing Scott all those memories just came rushing back to me at once. I always thought of him as a friend till the thought of me never seeing him again just did something to me. He knows everything about me, he's my best friend, he's my everything.
Derek: Do you want to be in love with Scott?
Stiles: Yes, no…I don't know. I want to be happy just without all the pain that comes with it.
Derek: Does Scott feel the same?
Stiles: He's confused like me…I know he loves me though and that's why he and his gf Erica had broke up.
Derek: What do you want from me then?
Stiles: To make the nightmares stop. To tell me that everything is going to be okay.
Derek: I can't do that…the nightmares come from the car accident correct?
Stiles: Yeah…I see her face every time I close my eyes.
Derek: Have you ever been in love?
Stiles: Besides Scott, no
Derek: There's your problem…you are looking to replace the love you have for your parents so the guilt will go away. Maybe you just need some fun, stop worrying about love, stop worrying about life or what anyone thinks of you. Let's go out tonight.
Stiles: Yeah? I think I would like that.
Derek: Yeah…me too.
He left right after that and I didn't see him again till later that night at the karaoke bar. We sat ordered wings and just talked for over three hours. We had turned off our cell phones and just wanted to be in the moment, the way he smiled at me when he laughed made me feel like this is what I was missing. Could it be I was missing happiness? I've lived for everyone else for so long I don't even know who I am. That's when he broke my thoughts by dragging me up to sing with him, I wasn't even sure I knew how to sing and then the music started playing he sung "I'm here without you baby But you're still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time. I'm here without you baby But you're still with me in my dreams And tonight, it's only you and me." I joined him in singing the 3 Doors Down song and pictured him leaving for the army, pictured him singing the song as he had to leave me and as the tears began to form in his eyes I knew he was singing that song to say goodbye to his mother. As the song ended I walked him outside so he could cry into my shoulder, he held onto my neck and just cried without a care in the world. He had so much sorrow and guilt built up inside of his heart that he had to let it go so he could finally live.
Stiles: I messed your shirt up.
Derek: Don't worry about my shirt…you need to do your thing right now just cry onto me.
Stiles: The only other person who's seen me cry is Scott.
Derek: I guess that makes me special.
Stiles: You are…I don't know why but I'm drawn to you Derek
And that's when he leaned up to kiss me on the corner of my mouth then buried his head onto my shoulder again. I wasn't sure how to react; I wasn't sure how I wanted to react so I did nothing. I let him cry and then drove him back to my house so he could sleep it off in the guest room. After tossing and turning I woke up and crept to his room and just stood at the door, I wanted to knock or open it but I didn't. I just stood there leaned up against it until I heard the floor creak. He opened the door and asked me to come inside his room. Everything inside of me was telling me to go back to my bed, to not cross a line I would regret but my foot crossed the threshold and there was no turning back. I went into his bedroom and sat on the corner of the bed before asking if he was okay. He sat right beside me and said he felt as if a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders and how for some reason he feels so drawn to me. I knew exactly how he felt because I was suffering with the same feelings but I wasn't sure as to why. I mean I just saw him, just met him, I know nothing about him, not like what he and Scott has or what I and Allison have; so why are he and I sitting right here right now? He leaned closer and whispered "I love Scott," I leaned closer and whispered back "I'm a pastor." We kept leaning closer just whispering excuses until we kissed. The kiss was wet, it was warm, it was filled with emotion and passion and that's why I pushed back saying how I couldn't do this and went back to my room. I think my guilt was manifesting into reality because I woke up to a phone call from a local pastor asking me to do a guest appearance at an anti-gay rally supporting the banning of gay marriage. Knowing word would never get out to Stiles that I had attended I decided to make an appearance at the rally just to prove that I was acknowledging homosexuality should not be tolerated but deep down I knew I was only trying to convince myself. Needless to say the next morning the front page of the newspaper had a picture with my face on it with headlines reading "Local Pastor Hale leads Movement to ban Gay Marriage." Allison was proud of me for taking a stand but my stomach dropped; I felt sick and knew this wasn't me at all.
I tried calling Stiles but no response, the next three days he didn't come by the house nor did he pick up my calls. I had to see him, I had to talk to him, to explain the miscommunication that happened at the rally. I knew one place he would be and that's with Scott.
Derek: Scott I know Stiles is in there please just let me talk to him.
Scott: Look Derek I don't know what you said or did to him but he made it clear he wants no part of you.
Derek: At least tell me if he's okay or not
Scott: Well he's Stiles…I don't think that guy is ever going to be fully okay…as of right now he's crying on his bed listening to Adele music.
Derek: Please let me see him.
Scott: Come in…
Derek: Stiles…are you okay
Stiles: Derek go away…go read the bible or kill sinners whatever it is you Pastor's do.
Derek: Stiles I went to that rally as a favor…I had no idea it would be news there
Stiles: How do you think I feel Derek. I opened up to you, we kissed for godsake and then I wake up hours later to see you support banning of gay rights.
Derek: I already explained…I'm sorry for hurting you it wasn't my intention…I…
Stiles: Say it.
Derek: I…umm..look Stiles you know
Stiles: No I don't know…how do you feel about me Derek? Say it…
Derek: You love Scott.
Stiles: And you're a pastor….you stand in that pulpit preaching about acceptance, tolerance, love, happiness, truth…but do you know what any of those things actually mean? So what if two men love each other…I love you Derek…love you…love…does that word hurt you or something? Is it that big of a deal for a man to tell another man he loves him? It is some kind of curse? You and your bible sound so ignorant…just leave.
Scott: I think you should go.
And so I left; I didn't want to leave but I knew unless I mustered out the words "I love you," Stiles would want nothing to do with me. I got in the car and cried the entire way home; Allison had stayed up to wait for me but I assured her I needed some time to myself. I went into the guest room where Stiles was staying and smelled his sheets, and the pillow. I wanted to cover myself in him because I knew I would never be able to do it in real life; I knew I had to chose my family and my bible over him.
Derek: Umm, this says Stiles but who is this talking?
Scott: Scott…I need to talk to you
Derek: Is everything okay, did something happen?
Scott: Nothing happened…that is the problem. Look I overheard what you and Stiles were talking about in the bedroom there was so much passion between you two why would you hurt him like that? Stiles loves me yes, but that's because I was there for him his whole life. There's always going to be love between us and weird bromance but if you can make him just as happy then I don't mind sharing him. You crushed what little hopes he had in humanity…and you used the bible as a reason to do so.
Derek: The bible is my life…I've dedicated my life to Christ and all that comes with it.
Scott: You're living a lie…which is unchrist like. Why can't you accept happiness?
Derek: I…I don't know…
Scott: Do you love him?
Derek: I can't…
Scott: But do you?
Scott: Then tell him
Derek: I can't do it over the phone.
Scott: I'll tell him to come over.
And I sat on that bed waiting for Stiles to arrive but three hours later and I heard nothing. I got worried so I called his phone, no answer. I called two more times before finally it picked up.
Derek: Hey where are you?
Scott: *Crying* Derek I'm so sorry.
Derek: Scott? Scott what happened…where are you
Scott: We're at the hospital it was a car accident, I was driving but I didn't see the other car and …
Derek: Slow down Scott…which hospital I'm on the way.
I don't even remember telling Allison her cousin was in the hospital, I just remember grabbing my car keys and driving as fast as I could. I was praying for his safety the entire time and trying to fight back tears of guilt. I finally got the nurse at the desk to give me his room number after being notified he was in ICU.
Doctor: Sorry no visitors
Derek: I'm Pastor Hale, I just want to say a prayer.
Doctor: Make it quick.
Derek: Stiles…Stiles I'm here.
Stiles: Scott said you wanted to tell me something.
Derek: I wanted to tell you…that i….
The machine started beeping really loud and fast and I grabbed Stiles hand and prayed as the Doctor's rushed in. Everything from that point on started going in slow motion, the nurses pushing me to the side, the doctor's yelling "Clear." Everyone having panic looks on their faces as Stiles laid on the bed with tubes in his mouth and needles in his arms. I was standing just looking and wanting to say something but couldn't. It didn't seem real, I thought I was dreaming and wished I could wake up to only find myself laying on Stiles' bed still but no such hope. The doctor faced the nurse and said "Call it. Time of Death?" I collapsed on the floor instantly and a nurse ran over to check my condition but I alerted her I was just fine. They kept asking me questions like if I was family or who to notify and I tuned them out, I was focused on Stiles and I grabbed his hand and whispered "I love you."
Everything that happened after that moment just seems irrelevant, this kid came into my life so damaged and instead of me fixing him he not only fixed himself but he fixed me and I had no idea I was even broken. I remember seeing him for the first time in church, his smile, I remember us singing karaoke together in the bar and he crying on shoulder for hours. I remember us kissing and how I never wanted it to end, and I remember holding his dying hand without getting the chance to take a risk and say I love you. So I went back to his bed, turned the lights out and started singing…
"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?"