A/N: Nothing you recognize belongs to me. This takes place in my Smith & Tylerverse after 'Dream a Little Dream (of Me).' This was written for larxene_12 on liverjournal. Merry Christmas larx! :D
Rose Tyler was a great many things: sister to a rambunctious ten year-old named Tony, daughter and stepdaughter to the richest couple in great Britain (Pete and Jackie Tyler), Torchwood agent, public figure, and most recently long-term girlfriend to one human/Time Lord metacrisis. Said metacrisis (who still went by 'the Doctor' because it was his name too, dammit all, and if the other Doctor took issue he could change his name) was currently waiting for her in the moderately-sized flat they called home, at least in London. One of the perks of being the Vitex heiress was the money, and while Rose did a sizeable amount of charity work she wasn't above treating herself and her lover, especially when it came to traveling. For all of the Donna-isms that popped up in the strangest places he was still the Doctor, and traveling was in his blood. They were working their way around this new world slowly but surely; so far they'd checked off most of England and a large chunk of Wales, as well as Paris, France, and a bit of Cornwall. They didn't count places Torchwood sent them; that was work more than pleasure even if they managed to take in some of the local sights.
It was a good life. At first it had been rough, adapting to a new him (and in some ways regeneration was easier, because at least he looked different—this metacrisis was a new him in an old package and the effect was disconcerting), returning to a life she never expected to be anything other than temporary, and trying to figure out how to build a life together, on this one planet, in this single timeline. He had to find out what it meant to be confined to one life, and she had to adjust to the new him—again. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't always fun. He had all the emotional awareness of a dead fish, and she had grown up in his absence. The Doctor found that he couldn't just dismiss her anymore, couldn't tell her that he was 'always alright' and expect her to let it go. Rose would, for a while, but not long. They fought about money (he still had no aptitude for it) and about work (she took risks that made his blood curdle) and sometimes about the stupidest things (like dinner with her parents or what specific shade of blue most resembled the TARDIS). But they made up, because despite everything that happened he was still the Doctor and she was still Rose Tyler, and one of the truths of any universe is that the Doctor loves Rose Tyler—and vice versa.
On that particular day Rose Tyler was in a hurry, partially because her mother and her younger brother were coming to visit, but mostly because it was the Doctor's day off and a Wednesday and if they were quick about it they could get in a shag before her family arrived. She broke at least three traffic laws on her way home but she didn't get caught and that was the most important bit, anyway. She'd been ignoring far more important rules for far longer and she managed to shave ten minutes off her usual commute time.
The flat was quiet when she opened the door, and there was no sign of the Doctor. That was distinctly not good. The Doctor could be quiet, and he could be unobtrusive, but not usually at the same time.
"Hello?" Rose called as she wandered further into the flat. The door opened to the sitting room, followed by the kitchen, followed by the two bedrooms (one of which had been taken over by the Doctor's tinkering) and the bathroom. The sitting room was empty (and suspiciously neat), but she froze when she entered the kitchen. The apple pie—the very first baked good that she'd been able to replicate perfectly from the cookbook her mother had given her—was gone. She'd never been a fantastic cook, and her baking was abysmal, but she'd practiced and practiced and finally something had clicked and Rose had produced an apple pie that looked and smelled absolutely delicious. It was the whole reason Jackie and Tony were coming over: to celebrate her accomplishment.
There was only one person who could have taken it; the only question was said person's location, and whether or not he'd actually managed to eat an entire pie. Did he even care that it took her days and dozens of attempts to get it right? Did he even notice? Or did he just happen across it and decide that obviously it was for him?
That's it, she thought as she stalked towards their bedroom. No sex today. Possibly tomorrow, depending on what he said when she confronted him. "Doctor?" she called.
Something in their bedroom thumped. Aha! Was he also eating the pie in bed? Possibly getting crumbs all over the sheets? Was this the day he decided to check off everything on the 'irritates Rose' list? She was in a fine state when she pulled the door open—to discover the Doctor, naked, lying on the bed.
"Oh!" he exclaimed brightly. "Hello Rose! You're home from work early today."
She was not going to fall for that one, nor was she going give in to the niggling doubt that she should lift her sex ban because he looked damn good naked. "Doctor," she said. "Where is my pie?"
He blinked owlishly at her. "Pie?" Was it her imagination, or did his voice just get a little bit higher? "What pie would that be?"
"The apple pie," she explained in a tone that was far too patient to be genuine, "that was sitting on the kitchen counter with a little note that said 'DO NOT EAT?' The pie that I have been trying to bake for weeks and finally perfected? You know, that pie?"
He shifted so that he could run a hand through his hair, but remained lying on his stomach. Maybe if he rolled over she could forgive him and they could get straight to the make-up sex before her mother arrived and put a stop to that plan. "Ah, that pie. Nope, haven't seen it."
She glared at him. That was a no to sex, then. "You're lying."
"I am not!" he denied.
"You are so." She marched up to the edge of the bed. "Your voice does that funny squeaky thing when you lie, and you just did it, ergo, you're lying." Rose sat down on the edge of the bed. "Roll over," she ordered.
The Doctor refused to move. "Why don't you roll over?" he asked.
She rolled her eyes. "Because I'm sitting, Doctor, and I want to lay with you but you're taking up most of the bed. Budge up." He remained where he was. "Seriously, Doctor." She was starting to get irritated again. She'd hoped that whatever bits of Donna he'd absorbed would have given him a bit of insight into relationships, maybe, but clearly she'd been hoping in vain.
"Rose," he began as she reached out to shove him. "You really don't…"
But he was too late. She gave him a hard push and then she found her pie—underneath her naked lover. For a long moment she was absolutely silent. She tried to speak several times but nothing came out and she found herself doing a rather good impression of a landed fish. "What," she finally managed to ask, "is that?"
"Well," he began and his hand was back in his hair, tugging on it like he did whenever he was nervous or thinking especially fast or both, now was probably both. "We watched that movie last night, yeah? The American one about those kids and bandcamp and sex?"
She blinked at him. "You mean 'American Pie?'"
"That's the one!" He rewarded her with one of his 'Rose is so clever' smiles but then he seemed to remember that she was angry at him and the nervousness returned. "They kept talking about sex and pie, and, well—I was curious." He sniffed. "And really, Rose, they got it all wrong. Whoever wrote that script was obviously ill versed in both sex and pie, because making love to you is much more satisfying than trying to make love to a pie, no matter how warm or delicious."
"You. Fucked. My Pie?" she demanded. Her voice rose on every word until finally she was nearly shrieking, and had jumped an octave.
"It was an experiment!" he replied. "For science!"
"You fucked my pie," she repeated and stared at the wall. "Oh my god, you did. You fucked my pie." And then she grabbed the pillow and smacked him with it. "That was for my mum! And Tony!"
He yelped. "There's no need to murder me!"
"I bloody well will!" she shouted. And she would have—if the doorbell hadn't rung at that exact moment. Rose froze and dropped the pillow and the Doctor peeled himself off of the bed (and the pie tin with the crushed pie). "Oh god," she murmured. "That's mum!"
"We, ah, we don't have to tell Jackie about this," the Doctor suggested. Rose, at least, loved him so she wouldn't actually kill him. Jackie had no such motivation for keeping him alive.
"What are we going to tell her, then?" Rose demanded.
"You could say that we ate it," he offered.
Her eyebrows rocketed up. "Me?"
He tugged at his hair again. "You're her daughter, Rose. She loves you."
Rose rolled her eyes. "She loves you too you daft alien!" The doorbell rang again. "Whatever we're going to do, we'd better do it quick!"
The Doctor grabbed the ruined pie. "I'll deal with this, you stall for time."
"And put some clothes on!" she called back over her shoulder as she ran to get the door.
Jackie Tyler was not a patient woman. She never had been, but one of the perks of being married to Peter Tyler, head of one of the most successful companies in the PRGB and probably the richest man alive, was not having to wait. She tapped her foot impatiently. "What is taking that sister of yours so long?"
Tony, who was immersed in a particularly challenging video game, only shrugged.
"Hello Mum, hello Tony!" Rose said a shade too brightly as she threw open the door.
"Are you alright, sweetheart?" Jackie asked as they stepped inside. "You're a bit out of breath."
"Perfectly fine, Mum," Rose assured her. "We just, ah, don't have any pie at the moment."
Jackie frowned. "But what happened to that one you made? It looked lovely in the picture."
Yes, Rose had texted her mum and yes, she was regretting it. "The Doctor," she confessed. It wasn't a lie. "He—ate it."
"What, all of it?" Jackie asked in disbelief.
She worried her bottom lip with her teeth. "Yeah, all of it."
"Of course he did!" Jackie fumed and Rose very nearly cried with relief. She had no desire to discuss their sex life with her mother and even less desire to attempt to explain that the Doctor believed in experimentation in every facet of his life—and what that meant.
He took that moment to appear, of course. None of Donna's spectacular sense of timing had rubbed off on him, although he had taken to occasionally calling her 'blondie' when they fought. He always looked mortified afterwards. "Hello Jackie," the Doctor said brightly. Thankfully he was fully dressed and impeccably groomed, although the faint smell of apples and cinnamon lingered around him. No, no she wasn't going to think about that, not whilst her mother and her brother were in the room.
Jackie marched straight up to him and jabbed one perfectly manicured finger at his chest. "You," she said firmly and clearly. "Are such an alien!"
He blinked. "Yeah," he replied, stretching the word out into several syllables. "I am."
"Humans don't eat entire pies by themselves!" she continued. "Not unless they're going through a nasty break up and that isn't the case, is it? Is it?"
"No!" He held up his hands as if to shield himself from her rant. "No it's not! I was just—really—hungry. And it looked so good." He waggled his eyebrows at Rose and she frowned.
"Right." Jackie turned on her heel and grabbed Tony's arm. "Come on, young man. We're getting Chinese. There's that nice little restaurant just around the corner." Tony, still wrapped up in his game, went along with his mum more to keep her from exploding than from any actual fondness for Chinese.
"Oh, I love Happy Wok!" the Doctor agreed, once more chipper.
"None for you," Jackie snapped. "I don't care about your fancy metabo-whatsit. You ate a whole pie and your stomach won't thank you, let me tell you that."
"I'll eat your pie later, if you like," the Doctor murmured to Rose as they followed Jackie and Tony out.
"Are you really tryin' to flirt after the catastrophe you just caused?" she whispered back.
He put on his best pout. His body was perfect for pouting. It was something about his big, brown eyes that just pulled at her heartstrings. "But Ro-ose…" He bent so that his lips brushed the shell of her ear. "I'm hungry."
She couldn't stop the shiver his words caused, but she'd be damned before she let him see it. She was still angry at him, after all. "Nope," she replied. "Not happening, Doctor."
"I'll bake you a pie," he countered. "Scratch that, I'll buy you one." He paused. "Well, I'll cover you with pie filling and lick it off. Does that count?"
Rose groaned. She couldn't stay mad at him, not when he started talking dirty. "Fine, but you're cleaning up the sheets."
He grinned. "Deal."
"Oi! You two!" Jackie yelled back over her shoulder. "No dawdling!"
"Yes mum," Rose replied with an exaggerated eye-roll.
The Doctor's eyes twinkled. "Tell you what," he drawled. "Run!"
And they did.