Title : Rudolph the Red-Nosed Pushover
Description : Why you should never watch children's TV specials under the influence of the Christmas spirits.
Pairings : None
Category : Friendship/Humor
Notes : I love Christmas, and I love Sakura/Ino friendship, and I love you.
"No," Sakura said flatly, seizing the remote from Ino's perfectly-manicured hand. "Absolutely not. I'm not watching this shit another second."
Ino's eyes widened in fury, and she grabbed the remote right back.
"Are you kidding me? Forehead, it's Christmas. More specifically, it's Christmas Eve. And we have a tradition. And that tradition is to get hammered on egg nog and sake and watch Rudolph. What the hell is the matter with you."
"I will honor the first part of that tradition," Sakura retorted, pouring herself a liberal amount of Nog-a-Sake, "but we can't give patronage to Rudolph one more minute of our lives."
Ino sighed, and sank back against the pillows. She recognized Sakura's tone: militant to the point of ridiculousness, and knew the best thing to do would be to let her best friend blow off whatever steam she had building in that massive forehead of hers. "All right, I'll bite. Why can't we watch Rudolph anymore?"
Sakura smirked victoriously and replied, "Because it's a glorification of bullying, physical discrimination, and why Santa is a big fat jerk."
"Let's just go over it, shall we? Fine-tooth comb that shit, yafeelme? First, okay, Rudolph is born. And he's happy and healthy and his parents love him, until they see that his nose is red. And who even fucking cares, okay? It's a nose. It's red. They're reindeer. They should be grateful that he wasn't born with any diseases, and now they can easily tell him apart from all the other reindeer."
"Is the plural of reindeer 'reindeer?'" Ino mused. "Or is it 'reindeers?'"
"I think it's just 'reindeer.'"
"Hmm. It sounds weird. Whatever, Forehead, keep going."
"Yeah. Okay, so his parents are like ashamed of Rudolph for having some physical trait he can't control, and that they disagree with. And then Santa rolls in and goes, 'oh snap, Rudolph. A red nose? I hate that. Make sure you cover it up.' Okay, and that's Santa, all right? Santa Claus comes to Rudolph's house and is so disgusted by his appearance that he makes his parents cover up his nose so it won't offend him anymore. Again, that's Santa Claus."
Ino absolutely hated her best friend, mainly because Sakura's habit of debunking beloved family folk tales nearly always made her a believer. And Ino didn't want to dislike the things she loved growing up. Already Sakura had ruined The Wizard of Oz, by pointing out that Dorothy was little more than a mass murderer and the Wicked Witch of the West only wanted her dead sister's shoes back; last Christmas, she'd laid into Frosty the Snowman for being a magic hat thief; and on a daily basis, she maimed Twilight to a point so unrecognizable, Ino couldn't so much as look at the book cover without thinking things like 'terrible role model,' 'abusive relationship,' and 'awful so fucking awful.'
And now, she was well on the way to ruining Rudolph for her as well.
"So anyway," Sakura continued, scooping out a spoonful of chocolate marshmallow ice cream and sliding it into her mouth, "yeah. So Rudolph grows up feeling inadequate compared to everyone else. And his parents, and everyone else's parents, and his teacher at school all make him feel like shit just because he looks different than the other reindeer. So the other reindeer's children inherit their parents' prejudice, and so they don't let him join in their reindeer games. What a great message to pass onto our children. 'Hey, kids. If someone looks different than you, make sure you never include them and also ridicule them.'"
Ino pinched the bridge of her nose, but Sakura kept going.
"So basically Rudolph runs away from home to live in some commune or something, with other creatures people discriminated against for no apparent reason. And blah blah blah, one night it's foggy. Okay? So then Santa's like, 'oh, snap, Rudolph. Your nose glows so now you're useful to me. Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?'"
"Damn it, Forehead, you always do this!" Ino moaned. "You make me feel sympathy for things, and slowly, systermically ruin my childhood!"
"I'm at the finish line, don't interrupt! Right, okay, Rudolph now has the opportunity to exact most delicious revenge…"
"I think Sasuke's rubbing off on you."
"Quiet. He can totally stick it to Santa and to everyone else at the North Pole by saying, 'you know what, you fat discriminatory bastard? You can suck my red-nosed rein-DICK because this year, I'm staying home. And you can explain to all the children in the world that they're not getting presents this year, and why. Asshole.'"
"That would be a rather shocking TV special."
"Yeah, and it would have been rewarding. Everyone who's ever been bullied would be able to relate to Rudolph, and would realize that the only way to stop a bully is to stand up to one. But instead, Rudolph pulls this ridiculous bitch move, bends over and lets Santa have his way with him. Instead of pointing out that his whole life, everyone at the North Pole hated him, until he was useful? And we're supposed to believe that now everyone got over their bias against Rudolph, and he's completely chill with everything they did to him all his life? 'Yes, Santa, I'd love to help!' Fuck outta here with that shit. I would've been like, 'Hell, no, you fat racist. You can drive a one-horse open sleigh to hell. And I will have Rudolph Christmas all to myself.' It's really a terrible move if you think about it, Hogulous."
Ino stared at her best friend, mouth agape; moments passed, and Ino shook her head, turned off the TV, and laid down.
"Just add Rudolph to the list of things you've massacred for me," she sighed. "Good night. Merry fucking Christmas."
Next year, she would make sure they both got together for their Christmas Eve sleepover, and they would make Nog-a-Sakes and have big big piles of ice cream. And they would watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and hopefully, hopefully Sakura would find nothing wrong with that.
"And don't even get me started on the Grinch, Ino."
note.. i like rudolph, i do. but if you really watch that shit? dayum. that story wouldn't fly nowadays. santa is kind of a dick, if you think about it.
anyway, yeah, there's the first entry in the christmas anthology. i'll have twelve out by christmas. various pairings, various themes, various subjects, but all of them about christmas. if you fave/follow/enjoy/despise, i'd love to hear about it. thanks for reading, love you guys :)