randomly pops in from being absent for months HI
So this is a very old fic I found so I edited it and decided to upload~ Was only taking up space :')
also I am totally not use to present tense/first person please forgive me and my awkwardness
first time for everything I guess? c':

Updates on my ongoing fics, I...
Don't even know I'm sorry. I don't even know who is willing to actually still read them! ;A; maybe if enough people demand Sorrowful Song I'll pick it up again. You have to forgive me! School's been taking up a chunk of my time, and my fandoms keep switching too; I've had no inspiration for GX. :( I'm sorry!

This is a Natsuki/Shou fanfic that I wrote ages and ages ago. I wrote it when I was half asleep one night, so I... Sorry. ehehe;;
Big thanks to my friend snowpoke for proofreading it for me though! thank u baka ilu


Why do I care so much? Why don't I stop myself from feeling this way? It feels so right, but does that make it okay?

Slumping into my bed, I sigh, exhausted from draining my thoughts and confusion all at once. Looking around, my room - technically our room - looks so empty and lifeless without him, especially in the dark. The quietness almost scares me. I look lazily at the clock: 10:13pm. Where the hell is he?!

With Haruka, probably.

My face cringes as I curl my body together.

'With Haruka,' my mind repeats to me, tormenting me with the likely possibility. Though I liked her, I can't help but feel bitter when it came to hanging out with Natsuki - alone, at that. Maybe it's because I'm infatuated with her, and the idea of Natsuki of all people stealing her away boils my blood. But it doesn't feel that way. Maybe it's just rivalry, that he's my best friend.

...That just sounds weird, wrong, almost.

I sigh as my body curls even more. My hair is a blond mess around me, but I don't care. I'm drowning in thoughts, worry, and loneliness. Who knew I could be this needy?

And it feels weird, too. Natsuki pisses me off a lot, I yell and scream at him everyday. I spit insults at him, and all he does is give calming answers and compliments. At first I found this creepy, but I've grown use to it. It's like he's a big brother or something-

I gulp down memories - ones of us, ones of the times of our childhood where our peers judged him for calling me cute, questioning his life choices already, even if he was only five.

And I remember how it pissed me off. I had yelled at them, only receiving more and more laughter and insults. I had turned to him and said, "Let's just go!" and pulled him away from the ignorant kids.

That was how it was.

At the time I had no idea what they were talking about. I saw no signs, either. But I know now what they meant, and they're wrong.

Natsuki's in love with Haruka. Not me. He proved that when he performed in front of Hayato - True that was Satsuki, but in actuality Satsuki is Natsuki. He's his dark side, his dark desires. And that look he gave Haruka said all his feelings at once, and that almost-to-be kiss did too. He was in love with her, but didn't even know.

I cringe again. The memory of Satsuki so close to Haruka makes my stomach flip awkwardly. I remember being so irritated and slightly mad at him. Mad for trying to kiss the girl everybody wants, probably.

But still.

Natsuki is in love.

Natsuki is in love.

He wants to kiss Haruka. To hold her and sing to her.

My face twists, crooked with what feels like irritation.

That… Shouldn't be. No, no, it just didn't…It can't be that way. I cringe again. But Satsuki clearly wanted to kiss her, his eyes showed passion, and he was Natsuki's dark side.

It is true, so why is it so hard to accept in my mind without cringing?

I jump when I hear a door creak open. Quickly, I spring up, meeting eyes with a pair of familiar tired-looking eyes. He smiles at me, regardless, a half-hearted one full of drowsiness.

"Where the hell have you been?!" I snap sharply, eyes narrowing with anger and worry.

He makes a small attempt at a laugh. "Out with Nanami-san. She wanted to read my work…!" His fail attempt at being enthusiastic makes me worry even more - Why is he so tired?

"You didn't tell me!" I continue to snap, covering my feelings. I do that a lot with Natsuki - cover up my emotions. I've always done it; it's like a habit now.

"I was only gone for an hour and a half, Shou."

This only increases my worries. He never calls me just 'Shou,' unless his glasses are off or he's being serious. And this isn't a serious argument. Something's wrong.

"What the hell happened? You're acting weird." I cross my arms, trying to keep calm.

"…Nothing," He says hesitatingly. "let's go to bed." He flashes another tired smile and tries to walk to his bed before I stop him, catching him by the arm.

"I'm serious, Natsuki. Something's up. Did anything happen with Haruka?" Anger rises inside me as I squeeze his arm. "Did she hurt you?!" Deep down inside I know Haruka wouldn't do that - She is as gentle as a butterfly. But I can't help but be protective over him.

"W-What…?" Natsuki looks at me, his eyes so hazed with emotions I don't even recognize him for a second. After a moment, he looks away. "N-No, don't be silly…" He shoots another half-hearted smile and tries to slip free from my grip, but I pull him back.

"Tell me what happened, idiot!" I pull him back so hard his head snaps back to me, shock flowing in his eyes. I don't realize how hard I pulled him until I notice his face a few inches away from mine. I was staring into his eyes, searching for answers, and as I was about to find something, his weak, soft voice startles me out of concentration.

"Y-You wouldn't understand.. You never would."

I look at him with curiosity before snapping again. "The hell I would. I never understand a single thought that runs through that hollow head of yours, not that you even have any." And that helped how? "…B-But I could try." I hastily add, wanting him to desperately know that I care.


Silence so deafening it starts to drive me mad.

All I can hear is the clock and his brea- No, I can feel that now. Was he always this close, or did I not notice…?

My face heats up - to my dismay - as I feel weight being pressed on my forehead. I fear the worse, but I can't feel anything like fabric - relief as it's not another god damn hat. Instead, his forehead is pressing against mine, his eyes closed and a pleasant smile on his face.

"Oh, Shou-chan…" Relief washes through me once again as I hear him whisper that name I hate. "You're so cute when you're concerned."

I blush. No idea why. "Sh-Shut up and tell me what's wrong. And- And get your forehead off mine! It's sweaty and gross."

Natsuki chuckles and opens his eyes, beholding the same passion Satsuki had in his eyes when he looked at Haruka. This time, it's more genuine and soft. "How can I tell you something that you won't understand?"

I blink in annoyance. "Just say it…?"

"Oh, I can't do that!" He smiles again with his eyes closed and I feel his arms lace around my waist.

"W-What the-?" I try to ignore his hands. "Why can't you do that? You can speak, can't you? Open your god damn mouth and form words!"

He chuckles again. "Because you won't understand. I don't want to confuse that little brain of yours!" He leans in, nose pressing against the side of mine as my face warms. "Don't worry your little head, Shou-chan. Now go to bed." He motions towards my bed but doesn't let go quite yet, as if he wants to linger in the touch. It's to my suspicion he likes it when I'm at my weakness and give into him. That doesn't happen often, though.

I open my mouth to speak, only to quickly find out how close Natsuki really is - Upon opening it, my upper lip brushes against his lower one. I snap my mouth shut and turn away, his hands finally slithering away.

He doesn't say anything, simply just walks to his bed quietly.

Anger rises.

"Why don't you trust me?! I've been your friend for years, dammit! We've been through worse, so why is this different?! What is it that's so bad you have to keep it a secret?!" I sigh in irritation. "Is it about Haruka? Did you confess? Not want to hurt me since you allegedly stole my girl? Natsuki, you're my best friend, I don't care if I get hurt, I only care if you get hurt! Just tell me, for the love of god. You're worrying me to death, come on! Just spit it out!" I huff for air as my long rant ends.

All he does it blink.

The clock ticks. I turn to look at it: 10:27pm. As I turn, I jump - Natsuki is right in front of me. He takes my right hand and brings it down, locking it to my side as his other hand wraps around my mid-back. I shiver at the slithery touch running up my back. As his hand reaches the center of my spine, his head dives quickly, lips smashing against mine before quickly transitioning to a soft caress.

His lips are soft, much softer than I thought. I continue staring at his face - eyes closed with a calm expression, like he had planned this from the star. My body relaxes, eyes beginning to droop, and slowly I find myself kissing back. I slip my right hand out of his lock and, dive into his messy hair, making an even bigger mess. I have to stand on my tip-toes to do this, but it feels nice. Was this what Natsuki wanted to do with Haruka on that day?

I pout, deepening the kiss. Too bad. I have his first kiss, not Haruka. And that feels right to say, and I feel proud to say that.

He gently puts me back on my feet as he pulls away. He gently smiles a heart warming smile. "Thank you for understanding."

…Then reality hit.

"W-Wait, wh-what?! Understanding?! Understanding what?! That you're in love with Haruka?! Why'd you kiss ME then?!" I yell my confusion out, but expect no answers. And I was right.

"Silly Shou-chan! Go to sleep!" He pushes me back on the bed.

"But I'm not slee-" I pass out.

The next morning I awake to hear scratches of a pencil. I sit up and groan at my headache. Probably a curse from having Natsuki kiss me. Bad luck basically lives on him.

I look over to see Natsuki in his chair, writing down lyrics… With his glasses off. I gulp, face paling.

Satsuki notices me and looks up. Grunting and putting down his pencil, grabbing his glasses in the process, he steps closer to me, glowering down.

"Consider yourself lucky." Is all he says before he puts the glasses on himself.

Natsuki blinks his big, innocent eyes. "Hm? Shou-chan? Something wrong?"

I blink before laughing. "You're wrong, stupid!" He only grins and attacks me, tackling me into a hug. I let him, sinking into his embrace.