Hey Guys :)

This is based after Season 7 where Spike sacrafice's him self for buffy and all of humainity. The second Poem in the story i found on the internet so it's not mine the letter and the first poem is mine i wrote them myself :)

Hope you enjoy :)

Kiimii xxx

Tears streamed down the sides of my face, I couldn't breathe. As the memory of Spike sacrificing his life for me and all of humanity was in graved into my mind. Just the thought of it caused me to burst into tears. I hadn't slept in over 2 weeks since it happened. I finally admitted that I loved him and next thing I know he is now dead. Well I mean, actually dead like no way for him to come back kind of dead.

It was 3am and I couldn't sleep. For nights on end I had cried myself to sleep drowning in sorrow for the loss of Spike. I missed his English accent, his spikey blonde hair, his black leather jacket and very bikie kind of dress code he followed by.

Everything that made Spike, Spike I missed. I wanted him back, I never admitted now did it occur to me that I actually enjoyed his company when he was 'pestering me'. I enjoyed every minute of it because I loved him.

I decided instead of sitting in my room loathing in sorrow I was going to a walk. I stood up fumbling to me feet grabbing a pair of jeans, a black coat and a beanie. I placed the coat on the bed along with the beanie as I fumbled trying to pull on my jeans. I turned around to pick a shirt from my wardrobe when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

I remembered when I went patrolling and I would end up bumping into Spike. I remember catching Spike half a dozen times perving on me. He even said to me one that "Those are my favourite jeans"

I smiled at the memory as I finished getting ready.

I decided to go for a patrol. I step slowly one foot in front of the other pacing as I walk really slowly. I was trying my best to block my thought of spike out until I walked past his crypt. I stood out the front paralysed in shock. The last time I had been to Spike's house was the last time we had sex.

The memories of the sensations, erotic craving and the sensations I longed for came flooding all back to me. I really did miss him. Not just for his incredible sex but him, just him in general is what I wanted most.

I stepped slowly towards his crypt. I stopped out front of the door. Should I be doing this? , it's just going to make me feel even worse about losing him. I took a long deep breath before slowly and carefully pushing the door open.

I looked around there were dusty window, a mini bar fridge and a television, that's all that was upstairs. I found the exit to down stairs where spikes bedroom was. Step by step I reached spikes room; it was dark so I light some candles.

Its usual darkness still remained present and roaming thought the room. I looked around seeing everything of spikes, realising that I missed how we used to lay on his bed and cuddle for hours forgetting our problems or that the world was spinning.

I sat on the corner of his bed remerging all the times we had, I couldn't help but sob quietly to myself as I kept thinking of how much I love him and how much I wanted him to come back to me.

I walked over to his table skimming my hand over the items that sat on it. I traced the pens and paper on his desk until I bumped one of the papers picking it up and reading it

Beautiful, gorgeous and bright

Smart intelligent and catches everyone's sight

Kind , generous and sweet

She sometimes causes heat

For very good reason

She is never accused of treason

She does not bite

But if you make her too angry she may want to smite

Leaving everyone for dead

Never expecting her temper to lead to her wanting to rip of your head

She leaves other behind

And because I love her so I think 'am I losing my mind?'

But it's because she makes bad decisions

Without precision

That's why I love her so

As I placed the paper back down I picked up another poem, I decided to read it .

My soul is wrapped in harsh repose

Midnight descends in raven colored clothes

But soft, behold! A sunlight beam

Cutting a swath of glimmering gleam

My heart expands, 'tis grown a bulge in't,

Inspired by your beauty effulgent

Whilst placing the paper back I bumped a few other papers reviling a letter. I picked it up to see that it was addressed to.

To my surprise it had my name written in beautiful cursive hand writing it. I opened it up and took the paper inside of the envelope out. A beautiful love letter was inside as I read every word tears fell down the sides of my face.

To Buffy,

When I was human I was William Pratt. They thought of me as meek, effete young man. At that time I was an inspiring poet living in England with his mother. The people around me mocked me calling me "William the Bloody" based on my poetry; they thought I was bloody awful. They called me this behind me back.

When found out what they had been saying about me I felt bitter and heartbroken. I was lured in by a vampire Drusilla. She turned me and therefor I was sired by her. From then on my life had changed so much. I turned evil, I joined an alliances with Angel, Drusilla and Darla torturing various countries people for the cheer pleasure of it.

Serious of events over the years had happened changing the vampire I was along with the other. But still living that life style but eventually being separated from them and venturing our different ways. I had lived that life style for a very long time until I met you. I was still evil but not as evil.

Since I have returned to Sunnydale, forced to be good, spending more time with you and having to accept a new life style where I can't hurt people is certainly life changing. During this time period I have come to relies things about myself, I didn't even know could exist.

Like feelings and emotions I thought I would never feel again since I was no longer human. Since being human I haven't felt things such as love, comfort. All my humanity had been shut off, because I no longer wanted to feel anything.

I have learnt that its common nature for everything living things with a pulse or not your head thinks rationally and your heart to be somewhat irresponsible. Your heart tells you what the right and wrong thing based on emotions and your head tells you what right and wrong based on knowledge and life skills.

My head tells me I shouldn't love you. Because you pull me in and then push me away. Act like what we have never meant anything. Well to me it means anything and everything. Because the simple fact is I love you

The love for you I have is pure and passionate. I have loved when I was mortal, I loved whilst I am a vampire and I still love while I'm a vampire. But this time I am in love with someone who loves me also, but never admits it to herself.

Buffy you're in denial, you need to understand that you love me and I love you. I will love you until the day I am staked. Even when I was with other woman such as harmony, I never loved them. Only you, I only loved you. I have grown apart from Dru and during my time with harmony I always thought of you, I have never stopped thinking of you. Each time I kissed her I wanted to kiss you.

I love you, I want to be with you but I know you won't want to accept that you want the same thing. So please understand that I have never hated you , and when I act as thought I do it's because I don't want to accept my feeling for you and how you have the ability to wrap me around your little finger and make me tremble under your command.

I have never come across another woman have that power over me. Not even Dru had that power, no other woman. Except you buffy, I don't understand why you're the only one except maybe because I allow you to. I allow you to because I want you, your love and everything that makes you, Buffy.

Spike xoxo

I couldn't stop crying, tears flooded down the side of my face as I began to sob and whimper. I held the papers tightly griped in my hand as I walked slowly towards Spikes bed.

I lied down wrapping myself in his sheets smelling the pillows, practically suffocating in his smell. I lie curling myself into a ball still holding the letter as I drown myself in tears to sleep. I loved him, he loved me.

I kept thinking, I couldn't stop thinking about the things that have happened over my life and how much I have changes, how much everything has changed.

Why did this have to happen to me? I just wanted a normal life, without Demons, Vampires and the rest of it. I wanted to have a normal life where I graduated high school, went to college and met a really nice guy who I fell madly in love with. I graduated collage and got married to him. I had 2 kids a girl and a boy.

My life would have been perfect, well almost perfect. I have dreamt of that life since I was a child , I had my life planned out up until I found out I was the slayer. And from the on my life had changed, turned into hell continuously filled with pain, mercy and vengeances.

I have loved, I have lost and I have fought for my life and for others' lives because I care about those I love. I have saved a lot of people in my time of slaying. I love Spike and I couldn't save him. I couldn't save the one I love and I will never forgive myself for that.

I eventually drifted to sleep thinking about spike and only spike.