Chapter 36-Great Explanations
"Humm," he says while his eyes are still closed.
I sit up and wrap the bed sheet around my body so we can have a serious conversation without his sexual distractions. I didn't like his line of questioning when he was spanking me and I think we have a few things to work out.
"Why did you ask me if I wished it were Brett here instead of you?"
His eyes flash open and I now have his full attention. While scrubbing his face with his hands I can see a pained expression on his face.
"I asked you if you liked him looking at you and you said yes. I just thought you would rather be with him then me."
Did I really make him that insecure? Christian is the most confident man I know. For him to even think that I would want another man to be here instead of him tells me I have some damage control to do.
"Christian, what woman wouldn't enjoy a famous rock star flirting with her. That doesn't mean I want to sleep with him. Women throw themselves at your feet daily you mean to tell me that some of them don't affect you."
"You affect me," he says as he tugs on the sheet with a boyish grin on his face.
"Your deflecting and not answering the question."
He takes in a deep sigh, "Of course I notice sometimes but they don't matter to me. I am yours. I come home to you every night."
"And I come home to you…every night. Just because he is easy on the eyes doesn't mean I am going to fuck him on the conference room table," I say exasperated. He just doesn't get how much I love him. His own self-loathing prohibits him from seeing things rationally.
Christians eyes turn cold as if he is imagining it. "Careful." He tells me with a menacing glare.
"Christian…when I first met you, I was…ugly," I say the before bringing my voice to a whisper and twisting the sheet in my fingers. "Men didn't look at me the way you did. No one has ever looked at me the way you did. You make me feel beautiful."
"Ana you were not ugly. Who ever told you that you were ugly? You had no confidence in yourself, that's all."
"Christian you don't have to say that. I know what I was. Jesus I was 21 years old before anyone even wanted to have sex with me," I spit out and I can feel a lump in my throat building. I have to open up to him the same way he opened up to me yesterday. I have to tell him how I feel now and how he made me feel before.
"Ana look at me. You are not ugly. You were never ugly. I bet if you paid attention you would have noticed that there were other men besides me that wanted to bed you. Jose, Ethan, and your bosses brother just to name the few I saw in the first few days I met you."
"That's silly. They are just friends."
I brush off his comment. Even though Kate would tell me the same thing I never believed her. She was just making me feel better. Those guys were like family to me.
"Ana you really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you. Inside and out, you are truly the most exquisite woman I have ever met. Why do you think so little of yourself?"
I shrug my shoulders and Christian grabs my hands.
"Tell me. I want to know. Does this have anything to do with your step-father Steve?"
Oh no. What does he know about Steve? How could he possibly know what happened. Maybe my mother told him. I shake my head no but the tears that I am shedding tell him otherwise.
"Ana when we were in Seattle the last time, I heard you talking to your mother about him. I wasn't listening I just happened to overhear as I was entering the room. Did he ever…I mean-"
"NO! God no. It never got that far. During the short time that her and Steve dated he was a prefect gentleman. He was nice to me and he always paid very close attention to my mother. After they got married Steve started showing his dark side. He was a very jealous person. He didn't like the fact that men even worked at her office with her. After about a month or so of being married Steve became physically abusive to her and when she was not around he would say things to me that were very inappropriate. When my mother was on the phone with Ray one day Steve was listening in and he thought they were being to familiar with each other so when she hung up he slapped her and dragged her off into the bedroom where I could hear them screaming.
The next morning she went to work and I was off from school. He would often tell me that I was ugly and that no man would ever want me. This morning was different. He told me I had a nice ass, just like my mother. He said that she was used goods and that I would wind up just like her and no one would ever want me. My mother came back to the house for lunch and I asked her if I could live with Ray. She asked why and I told her I missed him and I didn't want to live with Steve. She agreed but it wasn't until months later that I told her what he would say to me. She left him right after that."
"That fucker," Christian grits through his teeth. His hands are balled up at his sides but he quickly recovers and cups my face and kisses my forehead. I pull myself closer to him to feel his comfort. "Ana, baby I am so sorry that happened."
"Its fine. I think that's why I never let anyone touch me intimately. I thought that if anyone touched me like that than I would be a whore. Steve's words ring through my head that I will be used goods and wind up like my mother. After we had sex you awoken something in me. For the first time in forever I felt beautiful. Than…you didn't want me."
"Ana baby I have always wanted you."
"Not at first. After the photo shoot you told me to stay away from you. I wanted you to kiss me when we were walking back to the hotel and you pushed me away. I sat in the parking garage and cried because I met someone who I actually wanted and he didn't want me back."
Christian looks pained. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"I know that now. But after you told me to stay away then you kept coming around and giving me mixed signals…you wanted to change me. You didn't like me for me. You wanted to change me into what you wanted me to be and not who I was. By the time I realized that you would never want me for just me it was too late. I loved you. That's why I ran to Georgia. I needed to get a little bit of me back. I needed to think."
"Ana I am sorry baby. I…I am the one who is fucked up not you."
Christian hangs his head in shame. I don't want him to feel bad I just need to explain this while I still have to courage. We are way past this but if he is going to expose his feelings to me I have to do the same for him. I owe it to him to explain my actions.
"Christian its okay. We are past all that. I am just trying to tell you where I am coming from. When I came back from Georgia I knew I had to tell you how I felt. I wanted to be with you and I wanted to take the pain for you. That's why I let you beat me in the playroom. But after you did…I hated myself. Probably even more than I hated you. I forgave you that first night. That is why I told you I loved you. I had to tell you. It was then or never for me. You either loved me or you didn't but either way I needed to know. It was when you didn't say it back that Steve's words rang true. I felt used. That's why I didn't want a thing from you, not the car, or the phone, or the clothes. It made me feel like I was trading sex for material things. Like I WAS a whore and I felt ugly and no man would ever want me for me. I could swear that everyone on the street could see right through me so I hid away in my apartment."
"Ana I-…" Christian starts to cry. I don't want him to cry for me. I don't want him to feel bad for what he did.
"Christian it is okay. We are okay. We are together and I know you love me now. I also know why you couldn't tell me. Now that I know about your mother and your past I know why you couldn't say those words to me."
"Ana.." Christian says as he holds my hands in a death grip. I have to say the rest before I loose my nerve.
"Christian just let me get this out. Please."
Christian nods and looks at me in the eyes. His soft Grey eyes are looking at me with all the love and affection I could ever want.
"When I left and came to New York, Gideon made me feel special. He let me touch him, we talked without him wanting to control me with rules, yet still he reminded me so much of you. His power over me, his confidence, his appeal. It was everything I fell in love with you, but he wasn't you. I tried to convince myself that I could be happy with him but I was wrong. No matter what I did he would never be you. After you came here and I…was…with him," I mutter the last part and Christian stiffens.
"Go on," Christian says knowing what I meant.
"I immediately realized afterwards that what I did was wrong. I ran off and went to look for you. No matter what I did with him I still loved you. I was trying not to. I was trying to move on, replace you, and I thought if I did then I would feel better but instead I hurt you and I felt worse. Then the Leila thing happened and I got scared. I didn't want to wind up like her. Gideon was there for me and he made me feel safe. I needed to feel like I was never going to be Leila. A shell of a person who loved you and was rejected than fell apart. So again I ran back to New York. If I couldn't have you then I was going to settle for the closest thing I could find to you. You know the rest."
"Ana why didn't you tell me any of this before."
"And say what. I am a pathetic person that just wanted someone to love her. Seriously Christian I wasn't that desperate."
"Desperate? Quite the contrary. You are a smart, sexy, beautiful woman whom I happen to love very much. That still doesn't explain what happened today with Brett."
"I guess where I was going with all of this is I am still getting used to men noticing me like I am worth something. Brett looked at me the way you and Gideon look at me. I guess having a rock star like Brett Kline look at me like that was…an ego boost," with a soft voice.
"Anastasia Rose Steele you are worth something. You are everything to me. You are the most selfless person I have ever met and I love you for the person you are," Christian says and gives me a soft kiss on my lips. He pulls back and narrows his eyes at me, "an ego boost huh. I'll give you an ego boost," he flexes his hips and I can feel he is hard again. God this man is a machine.
"Sure. I mean, come one, Brett Kline is a rock god. He could have any woman he wanted just like you and Gideon but he was undressing ME with his eyes and-"
"Enough…Enough…I get it…you don't have to paint the picture," Christian holds his hands up not wanting me to finish.
I giggle and Christian cups my face in his hands. I feel his warmth all over my body. I lean in to kiss Christian and wrap my arms around his neck. He is sitting with his legs sprawled out and I put my legs around his waist so I can get closer to him. The only thing separating us is the thin sheet I have wrapped around me.
"Besides you are not telling me anything I don't know. I have seen men, all men, look at you the way I do. Why do you think I want to beat the shit out of every man who has the pleasure to be near you."
"Christian I think that is a little extreme. Not everyone looks at me like they want to have sex with me."
"No? You don't think so. Ana the fact that you have no idea makes you even more attractive. I know the score now and I see what it is like to live without you. I don't want to ever be without you again. I want us to be together…forever."
"I want that too. I love you Christian and if I ever made you think otherwise I am truly sorry."
"Its in the past baby. We both screwed up and we both have learned from it. Lets just keep moving forward."
"Sounds good to me," I tell him as he dips me back on the bed and kisses my neck.
I always knew Ana had self-esteem issues but knowing that her own step-father had something to do with it makes me sick. When I get back to Seattle that bastard is going to get what is coming to him. I will personally make sure he suffers for what he did to Ana and Carla.
Rock god. I will show her a fucking rock god. She has no idea how attractive she is and I need to make sure I never let her forget. What she says makes sense in theory. If I awoken the sexual need that has missed out on for so many years than I need to make sure she isn't easily convinced I am not worthy of her again. She needs to be mine once and for all. I need to make sure the world knows that Ana is only mine.
"Humm," she says as I kiss her collarbone and move my way back to her breasts.
"I love you," I tell her as I climb on top of her. I need to feel a connection with her. I need to be inside her and feel her all over.
"I love you too, Christiannnnnnn," she stammers as I enter her slowly and move at a glacial pace in and out of her while never breaking eye contact. She is so wet I glide right on in.
"I want to be with you and only you for the rest of my life."
"I want that too," she closes her eyes relishing the feeling of us connecting as one soul.
"Open your eyes."
Her eyes slowly open and she is looking at me with all the love and adoration one person can have for another.
"I am yours," Ana responds.
I can feel her start to build but I keep the slow methodical pace.
"Be mine forever."
"Be my wife Ana. Marry me."
"Yes…oh god…don't stop Christian. Faster."
Is she agreeing?"
"Faster, please baby."
Not moving any faster I tease her with long slow strokes while kissing her jaw and neck.
"Be my wife Ana. Marry me."
"Wait what," she says breathless.
"You heard me, marry me."
"Christian…ahhhh…oh…baby I am so close."
"Marry me Ana."
I slam into her and give her what she needs. She is clenching me from the inside while scraping her nails along my back.
"Jesus, Ana. Fuck baby you feel good. Tell me you'll marry me. Tell me…."
"Yes, oh god, yes Christian. I'll marry you I will do anything you want to just don't stop."
I'll take it. I slam into her a few more times and I can feel her orgasm go on and on. She is milking me and pulling me with her tightness and I can't hold on much longer. With a few more menacing thrusts I release into her. Her whole body is shaking and I hold onto her. She just agreed to be my wife. Ana agreed to be my wife! 'fucked into submission is more like it Grey'. Shit that didn't go as planned.
"Ana?" I roll off of her and study her face.
"That was not very romantic Mr. Grey. How the hell do I tell people the story of how we got engaged?"
"I know I am sorry. I just couldn't help it. I got caught up in the moment."
"Is that why you proposed? Because you got caught up in the moment? If so you can take it right back because I don't want you to ask me on a whim."
"No, no. I have thought about it. I just…we were…it just felt right," I narrow my eyes at her. "Did you just say yes because you got caught up in the moment?"
"Yes…but I don't think I would have answered any different if you did it properly. Make a mental note Grey. Never ask a woman to marry you when she is about to cum….or do…I guess. At that moment you could have asked me to join the circus and I would have agreed," I laugh at him.
"Yea I guess that was not the hearts and flowers you was expecting."
"No, definitely not. But it still doesn't change my answer. I love you and I meant when I said forever."
"Anastasia Steele you have made me the happiest man in the mile high club," I joke.
"Oh god," I roll my eyes and cover my face with my hands. "My father will be so happy to hear that."
"Speaking of. I don't think we should tell anyone until I speak with Ray first to ask his permission. And until I can do this in a respectable way," I say as gaze my eyes over her soft naked body.
"Agreed. But you don't have to ask him. This is not the 18th century."
"No I want to do it properly. I planned on asking him before I asked you but that's a moot point now. As long as we know then everyone else is irrelevant."
"Sawyer," I say into the receiver of my phone.
"Hay Nancy, honeymoon's over. I need you at the apartment ASAP we have a situation and I think we may need to head back to Seattle," Taylor demands.
"What's going on?"
"There has been a breach at The Crossfire. Barney was inspecting the servers or some shit and he noticed someone got into the GEH mainframe through a backdoor connection from Cross Industries."
"Shit. How bad is it?"
"I don't know yet. Christian is on his way back to Seattle now with Ana because he has some business in Portland in the morning so he won't know what happened until he lands."
"Okay I will be right there."
This is the fifth apartment we have seen today. Mia will just have to understand that duty calls. I don't want to disappoint but we have plenty of time to do all this apartment hunting shit. Honestly I don't care which one she picks. Which ever one it is I will probably just buy the whole building anyway so I can control the security.
"I am sorry Mia but we have to go," I say in a rush as the real estate agent is going through her usual spiel about granite and stainless steel appliances.
"What? Why? What's wrong?" Mia whines. Oh god not the whining.
"Something came up at GEH. I have to get back to the apartment and we may have to head back to Seattle," I tell her. Clearly needing to get my feet moving towards the door she looks sad and I sign deeply knowing this is going to be an argument. "Do you want to stay or come with me?"
"We can take her back Luke. You go on ahead," Carrick tells me. Mia wanted her parents to join us and offer their opinions. Having an attorney there is probably a good idea.
"Thank you, Mr. Grey," I say as I shake his hand. "Mia I will see you when you get back. Don't be long. I love you." I kiss her and run from the apartment post-haste to get back to Christian's apartment.
When I get back Taylor is in the security room talking to Welch and Barney on the phone. He motions me in and alerts them of my presence. Barney tells us that the only files that have been compromised is the companies real estate files as well as the flight manifests that we keep record of for the GEH aircraft fleet.
"Do you have any idea where the connection was accessed?" I ask Barney.
"No Mr. Sawyer. The person who was accessing the files was using a proxy server but not a very good one. The signal that was hit most frequently was from the New York area."
I look at Taylor for answers, "Cross?"
"Doubtful. Him and Christian have an agreement as of today and he is out of town," Taylor shrugs. "Welch get me a full report on what was accessed. Email it to me and I will discuss it with Mr. Grey first thing. I also want extra security posted at Escala. With Luke and I a few hours out I don't know what this person knows so the codes should also be changed at one and sent to me. I want three men posted round the clock. Good men. Also send Reynolds the Sea-tac to gather Mr. Grey and Miss Steele but inform him that he is not to discuss anything in front of Miss Steele. Grey will have my ass if I worry her."
"Ok Taylor. I'm on it."
"Pack up. Time to go home," Taylor tells me as he gathers his paperwork from the desk.
"What? Why would I go home? If the threat is here than someone needs to stay behind."
"Fine. I have to get going so you deal with Christian later. If he wants you back in Seattle than you better get your ass back double time. We will have to increase security as it is with you leaving and I need someone I can trust back home. Any recommendations for Ana's new security? Christian is going to want the best."
"I will put my feelers out. I think Denny Romeo is back and looking for some work."
"Good. Give him a ring and run it by Welch. I have to get out of here. Call me if you need anything Lukie," Taylor says as he punches me in the arm on his way out of the security room.
"Don't fucking call me Lukie."