Disclaimer: Vampire Knight belongs entirely to Matsuri Hino, I am in no way claiming that any characters, settings or storylines in that universe are to my credit.
Warnings: Nothing much to say here... Just beware if you happen not to like Garbage. This is Zero based, so if you're reading this, angst must not bother you enough for me to have to mention it here.
A/N: Re-posted from my old account FireInTheAttic to which I no longer have access. This oneshot is based around the song Number One Crush by the group Garbage and sampled from the 1996 Romeo + Juliet OST.
Hope you enjoy!
'I would die for you,
I would die for you,
I've been dying just to feel you by my side,
To know that you're mine.'
He made sure not to make a single noise as he gripped the brass handle of the door before him, trembling whilst he stared down at his knuckles - they were white with the force with which he gripped it.
His heart pounded.
He was painfully aware of just how fiercely it was beating and, for a moment, panicked silently that that its incessant noise would give away his intrusion.
The skin of his palm was slick against the handle as he carefully pushed it downwards. Blood roaring in his ears, he winced at the metal's groan of protest as he twisted it.
The door unlatched with a harsh click.
He held his breath... and pushed.
'I will cry for you,
I will cry for you,
I will wash away your pain with all my tears,
And drown your fear.'
He could barely see inside the room; the thick curtains had been drawn, blocking out any moonlight that would've aided him in his quest and the light coming from down the hallway in which he stood was dim, casting only the faintest of glows through the open crack in the door he was peering through, illuminating naught but a strip of dark carpet and a little square cupboard that separated the twin beds inside.
He dared not open the door any farther, instead tilting his body sideways to slip through the gap with ease.
His mouth was bone dry, his throat ached.
He was doing something he shouldn't be... and he didn't care - he didn't even care if she woke up; he wanted her to know how much he would give for her and he was scared of her finding out.
The fear excited him.
If only she knew how many tears he would shed for her if it meant she could be truly happy for just a moment – he who had sworn never to cry again after his parents; if only she realized how many rivers he would cry her if it meant she would be free from the torment of her lost memories. He knew they pained her, and her pain was his pain... But if his pain meant her freedom, he would gladly put himself through hell and worse...
'I will pray for you,
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul for something pure and true,
For someone like you.'
...and whatever hell he was faced with would be a small price to pay.
She was an angel trapped in a bird's cage. The cage may have been made of silver and gold and filled with everything she might ever need, but it was still a cage.
He wanted her to spread her wings.
She deserved to spread her wings...
What he did tonight honestly mattered very little in the grand scheme of things.
As tainted and spoiled a creature as he was, he could not end his life without knowing what it was to touch heaven for just a brief moment in time, to feel the heat of it on his skin just once, to not have to settle for the teasing warmth he basked in every time she smiled...
That was no longer enough.
He wanted to feel her purity, her radiance, her goodness. He wanted to feel it burn him, scar him so deeply that he could take those scars into whatever awaited him after he pulled the trigger.
He knew that his time was running thinner and thinner with each passing second and so this was what she could give him before there was no sand left in the glass, even if she was never to know a thing of it.
He moved deeper into the darkened room and watched as his eyes adjusted.
He could see now.
He could look.
He was afraid of looking.
He looked anyway...
There she was.
Oh, there she was.
She was beautiful.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
'See your face every place that I walk in,
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking,
You will believe in me,
And I will never be ignored.'
There she was, shrouded by night and so hauntingly perfect that it hurt him physically to look at her.
She lay with her face turned half away from him, dark hair sprawled about her lovely, delicate features. It mapped the pillow beneath her head in its fine strands of chocolate satin. Her red lips were parted ever so slightly, relaxed in sleep against the pale of her skin. Her eyes were closed, long lashes fanned out over her cheekbones in a loving caress.
She was painful to watch.
This would be the last time he saw her.
She was god-sent, and he was a monster born of Satan... They were not bound for the same place.
Every fibre of his body ached from the vision of perfection she made as he stood there in silence, just a ghost of silver that haunted the room while his angel remained oblivious.
No... not his angel. Not his.
He wanted to engrave the picture of her onto his mind, wanted this to be the last image in his head after the lights turned out for him.
He hoped she wouldn't be the one to find him.
She thought she needed him still. Maybe she did, just not in the way he needed her. She would mourn his death, yes - he was her 'little big brother', after all... but she would move on, and he would want her to, but he knew that were he to lose her he would not recover... It would spell the end for him and that was where they differed; as long as he knew that he would never be someone she truly needed, he had no purpose in remaining. It was best to fade away before he wound up hurting her more deeply than she could heal from, and that would be the inevitable were he to stay.
She was the only one who had managed to touch his heart and thaw it out from the ice he had encased it in. She had trusted him and believed in him. She was all he needed. It didn't matter what anyone else thought of him, while her eyes were there, warm and watching, she was the only one who counted.
She did not think the same.
He was not the only one in her vision.
'I will burn for you,
Feel pain for you,
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart,
And tear it apart.'
He stood there at the side of her bed for a long time - hours maybe - he didn't keep track, just looked at her, looked and looked until he could see her on the back of his eyelids every time he remembered to blink.
It was the middle of winter and there was still no light out by the time early morning came around. If he had his way, he would've stayed and watched until the fingers of sunlight were strong enough to penetrate the thick curtains and light up her angel's face He would have watched her stir in her bed as the light disturbed her dreams... but his time was fast drawing to a close.
He monitored the hands on her pink alarm clock ticking closer and closer to the time it was set to go off, signaling the start of yet another normal school day.
His throat tightened.
It hurt so much, even more than the blood-lust prickling at his insides, perhaps even more than he'd hurt four years ago. It hurt so much to know that the one person on the planet who could save him would never have the chance.
He would not be saved... it was not in the cards for him.
The time to burn was now.
He stepped closer to her bed.
'I will lie for you,
I can steal for you,
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see,
That you're just like me.'
The mattress springs creaked as he placed one knee up on the edge of the bed, his right hand finding its place on her pillow above her shoulder. Slowly, gradually, he crawled over her on the bed. She remained asleep, blissful in her ignorance.
She was happy in her dreams, he did not doubt, for they were dreams in which he did not feature.
He was on all fours above her now, gazing down through the tumble of silver that obstructed his vision. His heart beat louder, louder, louder. He had to know, he had to catch a glimpse of the heaven that was her, just once... before the end.
His breaths were shallow.
The time to burn was now, the time to take with him what he could was now.
Her hair was brushed away from her neck and ohh, how he longed to...
He wrenched himself away from that thought. No. He would not give in just yet. It would be over soon.
She was the only girl in the world, but he would run from her soon. She was the only girl he could love, the only girl he had loved, and would love into whatever lay beyond. But it was from his love that he had to spare her for it could only hurt her in the end and that would kill them both.
This was the only way. He would do it himself. Soon.
He paused for a moment and gave her the chance to open her eyes and see him.
He gave her the chance to stare him in the face and finally see how he loved her.
She did not open her eyes.
It was better that way.
'Violate all the love that I'm missing,
Throw away all the pain that I'm living,
You will believe in me,
And I will never be ignored.'
She had believed in him. She had been the only one who truly had. Completely and utterly.
She believed in him... He thanked her silently for that, for everything; her belief had been his everything.
He could feel her warmth against his skin.
"Tick-tock!" said the clock. Time was wearing thin.
Her lips were parted.
He bent his head, his eyes stayed open - he would keep her image in his mind until the very end; to look away was to die in vain.
He bent his head.
His heart was loud. His breathing was quick.
He bent his head.
He kissed her mouth.
So soft... so sweet... heaven...
He conveyed his love. He never spoke the words. He burned in the fire of her purity, burned permanent scars onto his heart. He had to take them with him.
Heaven was so perfect that he almost wept tears of joy and sorrow combined.
'I would die for you,
I would kill for you,
I will steal for you,
I'd do time for you.'
A sudden, shocked voice forced him back, off the bed. The room-mate. No, no, no, no, no.
'I would wait for you,
I'd make room for you,
I'd sink ships for you,
To be close to you.'
He fled the room, moved out of the door and down the hall nearly running. He shut his eyes, kept that image of her in the forefront of his mind, listened to his pulse thump-thump-thump.
He had gotten what he came for.
He prayed that the room-mate did not wake her, that he had time to get away from her before he ended it.
She had believed in him...
She could have saved him...
...but he was not her burden to bear.
He could not make her happy, his days had been numbered from the beginning.
He would not stay. He had to leave. She would get over it. She was in love already... he had known that...!
He made it into his room, back in his own dorm. The whole building was asleep but the gunshot would wake them. He would be far, far away by the time they broke his locked down and discovered his body...
It would be over soon; he had gotten the last thing he needed.
'To be a part of you,
'Cause I believe in you,
I believe in you,
I would die for you.'
He had never been one for believing... but now he prayed.
He prayed that those were not bare footsteps he had heard behind him and he prayed that those were not small fists beating on his door so desperately. He prayed that it was not her voice screaming his name more frantically than he had ever heard before.
He prayed that she would not be the one to find him.
A/N: Whew... Well, I didn't change it much but it at least feels more in keeping with how I do things nowadays. Hopefully you had fun reading it and it wasn't too depressing... (^o^) Thanks for reading!