Tolkien's Flying Circus

Note: This is a very old fic. In fact I wrote it originally in 2000 (when there was no problem submitting script type fanfics. I never actually finished it then due to computer crashes and losing it all several times. Anyone familiar with my stories will probably find this one a bit strange, well actually it's very strange, very very strange. I was about 14 when I started writing it, and a lot has changed since then, but at the time I was very ill and had nothing to do except write every strange thing that popped into my head. I have entirely rewritten this fic (due to it originally being in script format) but have tried to stick to my original ideas. Still, saying that if anyone remembers the original it will probably seem quite different.

I hope you enjoy it.


Famous Deaths

The author sits down at the computer and opens the file with a smile. It was time to play around a bit. That's all it is, a bit of fun, a chance to play around in someone else's toy box.

The scene opens on Weathertop. Aragorn is struggling forwards fighting off enemies desperately as he tries to reach his destination. Finally he slays the last creature and looks up out of breath. He breathes a sigh of relief before sheathing his sword and announcing "It's…" Everything goes dark and a slightly confused Gandalf shouts the words that appear in his mind. "Tolkien's Flying Circus!"

Suddenly there is light again and the fellowship find themselves in a very strange world. Nothing looks real. It is as if they are in an illustrated world instead of the real one. The ground is a flat but bright green with no texture to it. The sky is a blue that is just a little too bright and everything is two dimensional. Out of nowhere music begins to play and not just any music; it is the Flying Circus theme music. Unsure what is actually happening the Fellowship find themselves pursued by a 2d but fatal giant foot that continually tries to squash them. One by one they are struck down except for Gimli. The foot catches him last but bounces off of his heavy dwarfish helmet.

As Gimli looks up at the disappearing foot with some confusion the world around him starts to become more solid. The real world is slowly returning until finally as the music stops he is standing once more in Middle Earth. A desk appears in front of him. Looking out towards an inexistent audience he says "Good evening" And sits down. There is a squeal as he realises he has sat down on a pig. Standing up he walks over to a blackboard that has also materialised. The blackboard has several pictures of pigs drawn on it. He crosses one out. Turning back towards the 'Audience' he continues "It's Meriadoc Brandybuck"

Nearby Merry is sitting behind a piano. He is smiling the sort of fake plastic smile normally associated with game show hosts and customer service representatives. "Hello and welcome to the show. Tonight we will continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Boromir of Gondor"

Boromir is standing in a clearing amongst some trees. Lutz the Uruk-hai approaches him with a predatory smile and his bow raised. He shoots Boromir with a single arrow to the chest, but the man doesn't react. Lutz is obviously annoyed by this and shoots him again. Again Boromir doesn't react and Lutz is forced to shoot him a third time. This time Boromir happens to look down, and remembering what he is supposed to be doing suddenly he jumps into the air and falls flat on his back.

Arwen, Elrond and Legolas move to stand next to Merry and hold up score cards for him to read. Merry looks at them for a moment, before reading them out. "9.1, 9.3 and 9.7. That's 28.1 for Boromir." Then he turns to the audience again and continues with his plastic smile firmly in place. "Bad luck Boromir. Nice to have you on the show." A score board appears out of thin air, and not batting an eyelid the hobbit reads from it. "Gandalf the grey-29.9, Elendil-29.3, Isildor-29, Balin-29.0, Boromir-28.1, The Balrog-3.1"

Pippin walks to stand next to the scoreboard with the same plastic grin on his face. "Well here you can see the scores. Gandalf the Grey in the lead there with his death scene in Moria." As he says the word Death Pippin brings his hands up to show finger commas, and then drops them again so that he can continue. "Then comes Elendil, an amazing death that, then Isildor, next it's Balin and then in 5th it's Boromir and then in last place we have the Balrog. Back to you Merry."

Merry has been sitting patiently behind his piano. Now, ensuring his plastic smile is back in place he beams at the 'audience' "Thank you Pippin, and now for this week's special request death." On the top of the piano there is a sparkly envelope. Picking it up with exaggerated movements, Merry picks it up and opens it before announcing the results in an overly enthusiastic voice. "For Mr and Mrs Sackville-Baggins of Bagend Hobbiton, the Death of Mr Bilbo Baggins."

Bilbo is quietly sitting smoking his pipe, when suddenly he grabs his chest. He exclaims "Strewth!" and then falls down dead.

Merry is caught by surprise this time and hasn't managed to get his smile back in place before attention I on him again. Realising quickly that it is his time to speak he rearranges his face and stands up from the piano. "Oh Blimey, how time flies. Sadly we're at the end of our program so…" He sits down and is a little surprised to hear the sound of a pig being sat on again. He looks down confused as a voice sounds out of thin air. It is the author's voice.

"I would just like to say that no animals were harmed in the last sequence as I am a Vegetarian."

At another blackboard, this time in a classroom, Frodo crosses out another drawing of a pig. He walks along the blackboard until he reaches some words. They say 'Evening Classes 7-8pm' Underneath it he writes 'Elvish Lessons'