Note: The original version had pig elvish rather than Sindarin or Quenya and the Dwarfish was Swedish due to the difficulty in finding a dwarfish translation. The elvish is now Sindarin, although my grammar is terrible. The change required some changes to the script (can't find an elvish for spoon) the dwarfish however is still Swedish.

2) Elvish Lessons

Frodo turns to the class that have gathered in the seats around him. He smiles. "Good evening everyone and welcome to the second of our Elvish classes. In which we'll be helping you to learn Elvish. Last week we started at the beginning and learned the Elvish for 'cup'. Now I wonder how many of you can remember what it is?" The others all put up their hands. The entire class are in fact Elves, Arwen, Elrond, Legolas, Thranduil and Galadriel included amongst them. Frodo glances around. "Not all at once... Sit down Galadriel, Arwen?" Arwen looks very pleased with herself and gives the answer. "Ylf"

Frodo nods. "Well done Arwen, well now, this week we are going to learn some phrases to help us start up a conversation with an elf. Now first of all try telling them where you come from, for example I would say: Hobbiton dorthaned Im. Mas dorthach nin? I dwell in Hobbiton. Where do you dwell. Shall we try that together? With looks of pure concentration the elves repeat the phrases back to Frodo. "Hobbiton dorthaned im. Mas dorthach nin?"

Frodo nods again pleased with their repetition. "Nod too bad, low let's try it with someone else, err…Mr…?" he points to Elrond who sits up straight a single eyebrow raised. "Elrond" Frodo leans back on his desk slightly continuing to nod along. "Ah, Mr Elrond, and where are you from?" Elrond in turn retains his stern look, obviously feeling that Frodo should know this already. "Rivendell." Maintaining his patronising tone Frodo continues. "Ah… You're an Elf then." Elrond sighs heavily. "Yes. I'm Lord of Rivendell." Ignoring the annoyance in the Lord's voice Frodo continues with his lesson regardless. "Well In that case you would say Rivendell dorthaned im. Mas dorthach nin?"

A hand shoots up from the back of the class, it is Legolas. "Frodo?" The Hobbit nods for him to continue. "Am man pennich im, Rivendell dorthaned im? Mirkwood dorthaned im." Frodo looks confused; obviously he hasn't understood what the Mirkwood Prince has said. "I'm sorry I don't understand." Eager to do well in the class Arwen attempts to translate for Frodo. "He said: Why must I say…" But is interrupted by Gimli who stands up. "I förmiddagen för funderare i fel klassificerar" Grabbing the distraction with both hands Frodo turns to the dwarf. "Ah! Gimli, you want Dwarfish next door." Nodding the dwarf picks up his helmet and leaves the room.

Bringing the attention back to her Arwen clears her throat. "He said: Why must I say I dwell in Rivendell when he dwells in Mirkwood." Understanding the problem finally Frodo continues with his lesson. "Ah well, tell him that if he lives in Mirkwood he must say Mirkwood dorthaned im." Legolas scoffs. "Mirkwood i beleg. Rivendell i deleb." Elrond and Arwen look affronted, but Thranduil who is sitting behind his son looks smug. Frodo just looks confused again until Arwen translates for him. "He said that Mirkwood is better than Rivendell." Frodo looks shocked as the elves begin to argue amongst themselves. "Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done comparisons yet." The elves are shouting at one another as weapons are drawn. Realising he cannot control his class Frodo moves to sit behind his desk. As he sits there is the noise of yet another pig being sat upon. He sighs.