So this story wasn't meant to be taken seriously though I'm sure some people will take it as so. Really it was just me thinking of all the weird concepts in Twilight. I've read some really in depth counter arguments for all these points but I don't want a counter argument so please don't give me one. Hope you enjoy though
There came a day in all parents life where they had to give their children the talk. Luckily, many parents didn't have to worry about such things until their children were firmly in there mid-teens. Unfortunately, Edward and Bella found they'd have to do it much earlier as they watched the form of their young half-human half-vampire daughter sprawled on a hulking Jacob Black's lap. After thoroughly berating Jacob and Renesmee for their "provocative" positioning Renesmee quietly retreated to her bedroom while throwing befuddled glances over her shoulder.
Edward in his infinite knowledge deduced that his daughter didn't understand that she was inadvertently tempting Jacob and every boy in a five mile radius with her "teen fashion" (slutty clothes) and innocent naievety (throwing herself all over Jacob). She was still very young after all and while they trusted Jacob (Edward cough loudly) with their daughters virtue, they still felt that Renesmee was ready for the talk.
Which is how they found themselves in their living room on a quiet Sunday afternoon with their eight year old daughter who for all purposes appeared to be just an average eighteen year old. And they were talking about - god forbid - sex.
"So you see honey that's what…happens…when you hit puberty." Bella finished unsurely while glancing towards her stoic husband. He was quiet during the entire discussion mainly because he was searching through all the random minds he came across in the efforts of escaping this scarring ordeal.
"It's so damn hot…"
"Don't the Cullens live around here? Omg I hope I see one!"
"God, look at that woman's ass…"
"What the—what the fuck! I just stepped in friggin' dog shit!? How are there dogs in the woods?"
Edward abruptly left that mind after getting a vivid mental picture of shit on a size ten shoe. Damn Jacob and his inability to hold his bowels in wolf form. He turned to Renesmee and presented her with an awkward pat on the knee as his contribution to the speech. Honestly, when they got onto the topic of pubic hair and menstruation he kind of zoned out.
"Yes, dear," He said softly in his alluring baritone, "And I just want to add to the record that everything Coach Carr said was right. If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die. Just look at your mother." He gestured to Bella who shot him a smoldering glare. If the only way to keep his baby girl safe was to present Bella as a PSA than he was going to bust out the fake blood and afterbirth if he had to.
His daughter shot him a confused look.
"Isn't Coach Carr the pedophile from Mean Girls?"
"Well so is Jacob. Excluding the coach part and being part of the cast of Mean Girls. As if he would be so honored." He scoffed at the mere notion of it and Bella shot him a withering look. So he had an unhealthy fixation with Mean Girls and Lindsay Lohan? SO freaking what? Bella best be lucky she doesn't go down in his burn book.
"That's beside the point," Bella quickly butted in interrupting Edward from his internal monologue that he was so often prone to. Being psychic makes you think a lot to yourself.
"Now that were done discussing…these things…was there anything you wanted to ask us?" Edward gave Bella a death glare. She may as well have asked Satan to dip them in a pit of molten lava.
"Well," Renesmee brought a finger to her lip thoughtfully, "There are a few that I have…" And then she looked at Edward and suddenly he knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of a missile launcher.
"Dad, how did you get mom pregnant if you should be physically incapable of getting an erection?" Only he sort of wished he really was in front of a missile launcher so he could explode in red mist and not be here anymore.
Edward stared down at his daughters innocent face in unabashed horror. Bella stood next to him with her mouth open in shock. Not noticing her parent's obvious discomfort Renesmee plowed on.
"I mean you're hearts not working so you don't have blood circulating through your system so you shouldn't be able to get a boner—" her father blanched at the word "—but you obviously did if I'm here now." Bella cast a look to the door and despite Edward lacking the ability to read her mind he could tell just by her expression that she was thinking of an escape plan. He was too but his involved jumping out of the window.
"And for that matter, just how exactly are your sperm still working? I thought when your internal organs stop working that includes your testicles? And wouldn't your sperm be like dead or something seeing as you run at a seriously cold temperature? Oh, man you're like shooting out icicles!"
Unbidden, a memory popped up in Bella's mind of her and Edwards first time.
"Oh god Edward this feels…oh, oh GOD it's friggin cold!"
She grimaced and shot Edward a surreptious glance. Luckily, he was too distracted by the rest of Renesmee's questions.
"And really, who decided that male vampires could still reproduce whereas female ones couldn't? If that isn't the most sexist baloney I've ever heard…" she muttered, shaking her head. Edward and Bella learned really early that there were two things that Renesmee hated: Sexism and Ageism. Coincidentally, the two things she faced a lot.
Then she turned and spewed questions at her mother and Edward felt momentary relief.
"So, mom, seeing as you can't get pregnant anymore does that mean you get no period?" Bella opened her mouth as if to answer but seemed to choke on air instead. Renesmee didn't seem bothered.
"So are you like menopausal? You don't get wet 'down there' anymore? Does that mean sex between two vampires is like stone's grinding together?"
Edward thought of his and Bella's midnight escapades after she turned.
"Okay," Bella began hesitantly, "this so doesn't feel like it used to."
Edward grunted and attempted to wriggle his hips. Bella squawked and smacked his chest which sounded like a stone bouncing off pavement. He sighed in frustration.
"Look Bella, no one said vampire sex was enjoyable. We just make it appear so because were so incredibly sexy and alluring. In reality it's like rubbing two stones together and creating fire as the result."
"But…Rosalie and Emmett do it all the time!" She argued feebly.
"Yes but they're also into bondage and S&M. Plus Emmett is a delusional pushover who can't think beyond Rosalie's ass and tits."
Bella paused for a moment and seemed to accept this answer.
"No wonder Esme and Carlisle never seem to do it…"
He shuddered at the mere thought of his two parents getting together to do the deed. Bella seemed shell shocked and just continued to blink her eyes rapidly.
"Why isn't dad's sperm venomous if his saliva is?" Bella blinked her eyes.
"Why did I grow so incredibly fast? I would think that being part vampire would make me age slower?" Edward, seeing a question that he could answer and being potentially safe leapt to respond.
"Grandpa Calisle explained this honey, it has to do with your extra chromosones –" Renesmee cut him off.
"Yeah about those extra chromosomes…wouldn't that mean I'd have some type of mutation or be Down syndrome or infertile or something. Especially since you and mom were two different types of species when you had me?" Edward paused. He was in no way a geneticist that was strictly Carlisle. So he slowly turned to Bella in a way that implied she would have the answer. She merely blinked back at him.
Jasper chose that moment to walk through the front door. He took one look at Bella's blank expression, Edwards pleading, haggard look, and the open sex pamphlet sitting in Renesmee's lap before promptly turning around and exiting. Alice tittered from outside.
"And going off the whole 'I grow super fast' topic, how exactly can you think my maturity level is up to par with my physical appearance. For all you know I could be in love with My Little Pony and think Santa's still real." Emmet, who Edward realized belatedly was in the other room the entire time, gasped in shock at this revelation.
"Santa's not real!?" He heard Emmett project loudly before breaking the mental connection.
"Umm," Bella began hesitantly, "do you still like My Little Pony?"
"Don't try to change the subject mom." Renesmee chided her mother who deflated at the prospect of continuing the talk.
"What really bothers me is the whole Jacob imprinted on me when I was a baby thing. I mean Stephanie Meyer was just trying to give the guy a break and his happy ending but really? A baby?" She seemed scandalized which was funny considering she was that baby in topic but Edward and Bella didn't notice as they were trying to figure out this Meyer person she was talking about.
She noticed their confusion.
"Oh, sorry I forgot that breaking the fourth wall was frowned upon." They continued to look confused and Edward got the inkling that maybe the extra chromosome caused insanity. Renesmee opened her mouth again and both Edward and Bella flinched. But then she glanced at her iPhone 5 and gasped.
"Is that the time? I'm so late!" She cried as she stood up and smoothed her rumpled clothes. She made to leave but turned around at the last second causing Edward and Bella to flinch again.
"Thanks for the talk mom, dad," They nodded their heads wearily. "I didn't need it though, me and Jacob did it ages ago." And then she left, the door shutting with a soft click.
The two sat in silence. Then Edward stood up while simultaneously dragging a hand down his face.
"Where are you going?" Bella asked her husband. He walked to the door and then paused.
"To rip off Jacob's testicles. And then dip my brain in a vat of acid." He looked at her and added as an afterthought, "Would you like to join me?"
And then they left and lived happy, never ending lives.
And Jacob lived with only one testicle from then on (Just kidding).
I know it appeared as if I was bashing some characters but really I wasn't. It just came off that way lol.