This chapter includes the first 4 entries into Maxxies Diary. This chapter is set well before the series opener of skins and I have no idea of the back stories of the characters before that point so alot of what is written will not tie-in with the actual plot. This diary is being kept at the point where Maxxie starts to have difficulties with his sexuality and other aspects of his life, this is my first time doing a diary/POV fic so sorry if i'm not very good. Hope you enjoy it! P.S. This will be updated with more entries regularly ^_^ Oh and reviews would mean alot to me, thank you :)
It's my first ever time writing in this diary. I've had it for ages but I never really thought of using it. Tony reckons it's good for us to write what we think down, that way all our thoughts don't get clogged up in our head, he says it's healthy to have a diary but i'm not sure, it feels really girly. I don't even know what to write in here. I know I am supposed to write down all of my innermost feelings and emotions but it just feels weird. Ah fuck this i'm gonna go get some toast.
So Tony has pushed me to use this thing again, I didn't really know what to do the first time. I still don't, but I don't know what it is about Tony, he just has this way of making you do things, even things you don't want to do or know you shouldn't do. I don't know whether to admire or fear him for it. Maybe that's how he gets so many girls to sleep with him; he just makes them want to do it, regardless of whether they find him attractive or not. I wish I could do that, I don't seem to have any luck with girls, not that I ever try, I mean I've had relationships before but never got as far as sex. It's just never felt right with any of the girls. I don't know why, it just hasn't.
I feel like I am starting to get the hang of this whole writing diary entries thing now, might start doing it more often. So I spent the day with Cassie today, I had such a good time; she's such a fucking amazing girl. Me and her have been getting closer recently; we're becoming really good friends, but I think she wants more. She is amazing and beautiful and I could see myself in a relationship with her but … I don't know, maybe I'm just being silly, maybe I should just try things with Cassie, but there is something stopping me, something I can't make sense of. I know she is hot but I just don't find her attractive, I can't make sense of any of it. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Shit. So I finally put all my doubts behind me and went for it with Cassie. Our lips met and…. Nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. Again. I just wish once I would kiss a girl and I would feel fireworks or at least something and I'd spend the rest of the night fucking the absolute shit out of her. It's so fucking messed up but the only time I've ever felt something from a kiss was when I kissed Chris at his party for a dare. Chris is one of my best mates and I feel so fucking sick in the head but right then I would've taken him upstairs and fucked him. It must've been the alcohol giving that effect, I mean I don't fancy him or anything and the thought of being in a relationship with a guy makes me feel shit, it's got to be a girl. I'm not gay.