Dear Natasha, October 12, 2012

It's been a month since we've talked. It didn't feel like a month. It doesn't. I don't know. I don't know what to say really.

Dear Natasha, October 13, 2012

I tried to call you today. You didn't pick up. That's alright. I suppose you're busy.

Dear Natasha, October 30, 2012

You didn't answer any of my calls, or texts. Are you still mad? I'm sorry about what happened. Let's just pretend it never happened.

Dear Natasha, November 5, 2012

It started getting really cold. I'm shivering here. You'd probably yell at me, tell me to get off my ass and turn the heat on. I kinda miss that. You nagging at me. Isn't that stupid? I miss our fighting, even when it got to a point where we'd want to strangle each other. And it usually would come to that.

I'm not going to turn the heat on. I don't really need it.

Dear Natasha, November 18, 2012

Hey Nat. Remember when I started calling you Nat? You hated it at first, because it sounds like that bug. But I told you it was cute, and even though you punched me the first few times eventually you came to like it. Silly to think about that now, when you don't even talk to me. That's okay. I'll just talk to myself.

Dear Natasha, December 11, 2012

I started drinking again. I told you I gave that up. It was after the mission in Pakistan. I said I was done. Well, I guess I lied. Just an old bottle lying around the house. I guess I'm too lazy to go out and buy stuff for myself.

Dear Natasha, December 26, 2012

It's after Christmas. You missed Christmas Nat. I haven't talked to you in forever. I don't even know how to contact you. I got you something. You always got embarrassed and hated that, but took it anyways. It's sitting under the tree. Come get it whenever.

Dear Natasha, December 29, 2012

I finally found someone who knows what was going on. Why you never talked to me, or responded. It really doesn't matter who told me, but now I know.

You could have told me. I would have listened.

It's not like I stopped caring.

Dear Natasha, January 6, 2012

I wouldn't have been mad, though how could I? I could have helped, or I don't know, talked to you. If you wanted that. Who knows. We could have drank till we cried, sparred till we were bloody. I could have been there, that's the point. Okay, I'm gonna shut up now.

Dear Natasha, January 7, 2012

I tried to call you again, just cause.

Dear Natasha, January 12, 2012

Cancer. That's such a weird word. Cancer. It's also a zodiac sign, I think it's the little crab. What happened Nat? Did the crab pinch you? I'll find it for you. I'll find that crab and kill it, and eat it even. How about that, do you like crab? I think it'd be good. We could do surf 'n turf, I don't know.

Remember the last time I tried to cook. Nearly burned the place down. You laughed so I wouldn't feel so bad.

Remember that?

Dear Natasha, February 14, 2012

It's Valentines Day Nat. Happy Valentines Day. I poured you a glass of wine. It's still on the table.

Dear Natasha, March 19, 2012

I hate March. Fucking stupid month.

Dear Natasha, March 20, 2012

You know, you're not dead. We should talk, okay? Just fucking call me back. Why can't you just do that for me Nat? I can't take this bullshit.

Dear Natasha, March 21, 2012

I can still hear your heartbeat. At night, when I'm in bed and it's quiet. You used to come and lay with me. Even after I'd just get in from a mission and above all else didn't want to be touched, you'd be there. You'd lay on top of me like there was no space. Granted, there wasn't, but I'm sure we could have fit if we tried. But you'd lay there with me. My heart would be beating like crazy, but eventually it'd slow done and match yours. You didn't speak to me. Those were back in the early days when you were still learning English. I just figured you never wanted to talk to me.

Dear Natasha, March 25, 2012

Remember Budapest? I was thinking about it the other day. Today too. We never quite agreed on how that happened.

It was sent to kill you. I didn't kill you though. What if I had? What if I never met you, never loved you, never let you into my life. Can you imagine if I hadn't had feelings? Imagine if I'd done my job, like I was supposed to?

I'll shut up now.

Dear Natasha, April 7, 2012

Did you know I like vodka now? You know how much I'd mess with you off by saying it tasted like horse piss. It doesn't. I got a bottle, for us. I finished the wine though. Sorry.

Dear Natasha, April 17, 2012

I went to the theatre today. Wow, isn't that pathetic. Why am I even doing this?


I went to the theatre today, box seat, like we used to. It was Les Misérables. It was beautiful and horrible and fuck Nat.

Fuck everything.

Fuck you.

Dear Natasha, April 21, 2012

Sorry about that. I didn't mean that. I still love you Nat. Come back to me, Nat. Just come back.

Dear Natasha, May 22, 2012

I take a shot in the morning, every morning. I drink so much more than I did. You'd probably yell at me. Clint, stop that. Fury will kick your ass, and so will I. You're not going to be motherfucking drunk for work. It'd be something like that.

Dear Natasha, June 28, 2012

I got the invitation today. I wanted to fucking tear it up but I can't. It'll be my last time to see you.

It's beautifully done. Ivory with that nice fancy script you liked. The one you wanted to use for our wedding invitations. I guess someone knew you liked it too. It's really pretty Nat. It's beautiful. I kept it.

I'll see you soon.

Dear Natasha, July 11, 2012

We met all those years ago in July. Remember that? July. You were still in that relationship that ended up ending badly. You were so happy. We were both young then.

Do you know the Four Seasons?

So close, so close and yet so far.

One of their lyrics, from one of their songs. I know that's really random but I guess...relevant. I was the last one to come up. I stood their for a long time Nat, watching you sleep. You're just sleeping Nat. You just got back from a mission, and you're tired. That's all, right? You're just tired. Fury overworked you again. You'll be better in the morning. I'll be up in my room, and you'll quietly slip in and we'll just lay there because we can.

You're dress is too long. I know you didn't pick that dress out. You always wore them shorter. I never really minded, I still don't.

You look beautiful Nat. Despite the dress, you look beautiful.

Remember the last time I cried? I called you, and you let me cry over the phone. I might have been like that, except alone. All alone this time. I couldn't stay Nat. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Dear Natasha, July 12, 2012

I'm sorry.

Dear Natasha, July 13, 2012

Cut your shit, Natasha. Get the fuck back here. I'm done with this.

Dear Natasha, July 14, 2012

Remember that play I told you about that I saw? This one girl, Eponine, she loved this guy but he didn't love her back. But in the end, she got to at least die in his arms. I wasn't even there when you...

I should have been.

Dear Natasha, July 15, 2012

I haven't left the house. I can't really do anything anymore Natasha.

Dear Natasha, August 1, 2012

I'm sorry I've taken so long. I shouldn't have been so selfish and make you come to me. I'll come to you.

I'll be there soon.