A/N: This is a retellling of some of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Universe stories through Glee. If you're a BtVS fan, I have the utmost respect for Mr. Whedon and the entire Whedonverse. I've pinched and stretched and played around with a lot of the BtVS cannon in a way I hope is entertaining. If you've never watched Buffy and like this, understand this pales in comparison. Run, do not walk to the nearest BtVS DVD or streaming source.
Glee x Buffy the Vampire Slayer Rated M for violence.
Welkom in de Helmond (Welcome to the Hellmouth): Book 1 So I'm the Slayer, Who Are You?
Into every generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One. One born with the strength and skill to fight the vampires, to...stop me if you've heard this before...it's really kinda simple actually. I slay vampires. The Hellmouth is full of vampires. I'm here to slay all the vamps. Also, I burned down the gym at my old school so I need to try and graduate from the halls of lower education in case the slaying gig gets eighty-sixed.
Two cars pulled to a stop in front of the beige stucco and red terra cotta shingled building with the words 'Sunnydale High School' engraved in large blocky letters under an arching window. One, an inky jet black Charger with blackout tinted windows, purred to a stop across the street from the school; the driver's side window lowering a barely noticeable inch. The other, a grey and white Mini-Cooper pulled to a neat stop directly in front of the tiered steps leading up to the school. The students milled about leisurely on the front steps, the long concrete benches on either side of the walk, or at the foot of the plentiful evergreen trees that dotted the lush green campus. Each student busily contenting themselves in the last few minutes before the end of summer and the beginning of the school year were official.
"Now Brittany, promise me-" Emma Pierce began before being cut off by her daughter who already had one foot out on the curb. Ms. Pierce slyly slipped a pamphlet into her daughter's bag.
"Mom! Yes!" Brittany answered turning back towards her mother, her blonde hair swinging in a wide arch around her head, "I promise I won't set the gym on fire. I promise I won't injure a large portion of the student body. I promise I won't get kicked out of this school," Brittany sighed, exasperatedly. Her mother sighed in kind, tilting her head to the side and smiling, her bright red hair reflecting on the white interior of the car. "Besides, those are mid-term activities, not first day hijinx."
Her mother sat up bolt straight hearing her words, smile vanishing,"Brittany S. Pierce!"
"Whoa! Whoa! Bringing out the middle initial, heavy ammo. I was joking. Jo-king. It's my first day. Today, I blend. This is me blending," Brittany said, adjusting the large suede bag on her shoulder, and stepping out of the car.
"Nice headlights," Sam said, jogging up to the concrete bench upon which Tina sat thumbing through her black and white penguin shaped backpack, complete with bright orange beak. Her long straight hair was parted down the middle and tucked carefully behind her ears. Her perfectly starched white shirt barely contrasted with her grey on grey plaid jumper.
Tina looked up to see members of the Sunnydale Cheer Squad in a cluster across the lawn from them. The girls held up signs over their heads advertising a carwash fundraiser. Tina rolled her eyes upon seeing their tight cut-off shirts with the burgundy and gold letters spelling 'SHS Razorbacks' stretched out of proportion across the front.
"P-p-pig!" Tina spat out, slapping the back of Sam's head. His baby fine blond hair flew up in all directions. Hunching forward, he clutched the back of his head with both hands.
"Um! Ow! How is commenting on the headlights of a custom Mini reason for a Stooge slap?" Sam asked incredulously, pointing down towards the car. "And so early on a Monday morning..." Sam slips into his best impression of Star Trek's Dr. McCoy, "I tell you, this does not bode well, Captain. For the rest of the week… For the whole school year even…"
Tina looked surprised, turning her head just in time to see a tall blonde girl in a dark brown knee-high boots, a burgundy mini-skirt, and off-white sweater set climbing out of the passenger side of the Mini in question. Tina shrugged, "S-sorry. Consider that advance payment for the comments you'll make when you see the cheer squad."
"Forget the cheer squad. Houston, we have a problem! Who. Is. That?! And why haven't I drooled over her before?!" Sam's large mouth remained open as he watched the blonde lean into the passenger window talking to the driver. "I shall call you 'Goddess' and you shall call me…whatever you want. And I will heed your every beck and call." Sam moved his hands over his chest mimicking the beating of his now love struck heart.
"Like she would ever b-beck or call you, Sam." Tina frowned at Sam as he tried, unsuccessfully, to neaten up, buttoning the messy white shirt he'd thrown over a blue ringer tank top this morning.
"Oh really? So why is she making a bee-line straight for me, Miss Moneypenny?" Sam replied, this time as James Bond. He cocked his chin at Brittany as she walked up the stairs in front of them. Licking the index and pinky fingers of his right hand, he traced the curve of his eyebrows, smoothing them down. "Quick! How's my breath?" Sam opened his mouth wide and blew a gust of breath in Tina's face. She crossed her eyes and puckered her lips. "That bad? That bad? Gum me! Gum me, Tina!"
Tina rolled her eyes again and handed Sam an unopened pack of cinnamon gum from the front zipper of her backpack. As he ripped open the pack and started shoving gum in his mouth, Brittany paused in front of them.
"Hi! New girl, here. Sorry to bother you. First day of school and all, I know I'm in no position to ask favors, but… is there a Mini with an overly anxious looking parental unit still parked behind me?" Brittany carefully kept her back to the street. Tina leaned out at a 45 degree angle to look around Brittany's right side. Sam, whose eyes were watering from the wad of spicy gum in his mouth, leaned to Brittany's left to look down the steps towards the street.
Sitting up straight again, Tina shielded her eyes from the sun with her palm and nodded her head, "Y-yes. And she looks very stressed."
"Great," Brittany pinched her nose, jutting her hip as she shifted her weight to one leg. "Last favor and I will leave you alone for life…or at least for the rest of the day…whichever comes first…could one of you point somewhere?"
Tina cocked her head to the side, looking at Brittany confused. "P-point somewhere? There's not a 'w-where' you're most interested in?"
"It doesn't really matter where you point. I just need her to think I'm being a good little student. Actually, might as well make it the office so I can get my schedule. I know she's going to quiz me when I get home."
"There," Sam pointed towards the Administration Building, a bright red piece of gum falling out of his mouth into his lap. He crossed his legs and smiled, his broad lips and teeth stained red.
"I'm g-going that way," Tina replied, smiling, "I could s-show you."
"Perfect, being the good daughter and making friends the first day. She's going to faint." Brittany turned back to look at her mother smiling overenthusiastically. "'Rents. Can't live with 'em. Don't get allowance without 'em."
Tina laughed, snorting, and nudging Sam with her elbow, "I know, right?"
Brittany turned backed towards them, a more sincere smile on her face, "So, like I'm Brittany Pierce AKA New Girl."
"Tina Cohen-Chang, AKA Old Girl…or at least relatively old…well maybe not since I don't know your birthday but in terms of minutes at Sunnydale High School…nice to meet you."
Brittany smiled and they both looked expectantly at Sam who smiled and waved.
"That's Sam. He has nice breath," Tina fills in.
"Uh…great. Nice to meet you, Tina. Sam, of the great breath."
"She's gone," Sam said with a loud slurp, barely preventing another piece of gum from falling from his mouth.
Brittany looked over her shoulder; the spot from where her mother had been stalking was now empty. "Good, I was afraid I was going to have to get a restraining order."
Tina laughed, snorting once more. A small beep sounded and Tina looked down at her watch. "Three minutes before the five minute bell rings, we better get going," Tina said as she stood up, straightening her skirt and adjusting her backpack on her shoulders.
Brittany looked at her quizzically, "When in Sunnydale…" and took a step to follow her.
"Sam?" Tina asked looking over her shoulder.
Sam smiled widely, lips pursed tight to keep the gum in his mouth, gesturing 'thumbs up' with both hands, before waving goodbye.
Tina shrugged and the two girls walked towards the Admin Building. As soon as they were out of earshot, Sam jumped up, running to the nearest tree, and spt out a handful of gum, trying desperately to wipe the burning residue off his tongue.
"Evil, evil gum!" he said to himself.
The black Charger growled to life across the street. The driver's chocolate brown eyes could barely be seen through the inch of lowered window. She was careful not to lean too close, but her eyes tracked Brittany carefully as she walked up the stairs and into the school building.
"You're finally here."
"You can't just show up with no paperwork and expect rainbows and unicorns, Miss Pierce," replied the middle-aged woman seated behind the desk in front of the principal's office. Brittany had been watching her slide sideways back and forth on her rolling desk chair pulling various forms from the smog-grey filing cabinets that made up the skyline in the office. No matter how far away the file cabinet, the woman pushed off her desk and rolled to get there, refusing to walk. The distance between the edge of the desk and the back of the woman's cubicle was just big enough to allow her to roll in and out with ease. "You fill these out and then I'll send you in to talk to Principal Menkins. Oops! One more, almost forgot!"
Brittany watched as the woman slid sideways across the floor to get yet another form asking the same information as the first dozen forms she had already started filling out. Brittany put the toe of her boot on the corner of the woman's desk and pushed it back towards the cubicle wall by a few inches.
The frosted glass door with the words 'Principal Menkins' on them opened and a large man who could have just as easily been the football coach as the principal stepped out and motioned towards her.
"A new student! Welcome to Sunnydale!"
Brittany stood and smiled uneasily. From the corner of her eye, Brittany could see the woman in the office chair rolling quickly back towards her desk. Her knee and elbow collided with the desk and she let out a loud 'ooof'. Brittany's smile brightened and she bounced into Principal Menkins' office.
Principal Menkins entered the office after the bruised woman in the rolling chair handed him a manila folder with Brittany's full name stickered on the tab. Brittany was leaning forward, her finger raised over a small white sculpture of a leaping dolphin.
"Please don't touch that," Principal Menkins said as he unbuttoned the suit jacket he wore over a red mock turtleneck and sat down behind his desk.
Brittany's bright blue eyes focused on him momentarily and then went back to the dolphin.
"Miss Pierce, "Menkins began as he flipped open the folder and began leafing through its contents, "it's a pleasure to have you joining us this year."
Brittany's eyes again flickered up at him, then back to the dolphin. She quickly tapped the sculpture with her finger.
"Miss Pierce, please don't touch that," Menkins said, a note of agitation in his voice.
"Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?" Brittany asked, sitting back in her chair and crossing her legs.
"Pardon me?" Menkins asked, looking up from the folder.
Brittany pointed at the sculpture, "Gay shark."
Menkins frowned, and moved the sculpture to the small table behind his desk. He coughed and started again, his eyes on the folder in front of him and not Brittany, "Miss Pierce we're hoping you'll make all the same contributions to our school that you did to your previous school. It says here you were on the cheer squad and…" Menkins' voice trailed off.
Brittany could see his lips moving as he read the rest of her transcripts. She sighed and waited.
"You burned down the gym during the winter formal?" Menkins looked up at her wide-eyed.
Brittany shrugged and leaned in towards the small blue California flag on the principal's desk. She blew a puff of breath at it, making it fall over. Menkins grabbed the flag, wincing as he stuck himself on the small pointy flagpole, and shoved it in his desk drawer. Brittany's gaze turned towards the matching US flag on the desk. Menkins preemptively snatched up the flag, stabbing himself again, and dropped it in his drawer as well.
"Miss Pierce," he said, clearing his throat loudly. "It seems you've had quite a…colorful, academic career. I think you'll find Sunnydale is not one of those loosey goosey schools where the staff lets the spoiled rotten student body run rampant in the hallways with little to no regard for authority. I run a disciplined school here. And I am warning you right now, I will be watching you, like a hawk. The moment you step out of line I will swoop down and…"
"Did you have other career choices?"
Brittany shrugged. "Can I go now?"
"Are you listening to me, Miss Pierce?" Menkins replied, his face starting to flush with anger.
"Sure. Hawk. Swoop. Don't touch the dolphin. Can I go now?"
The bell rang and without waiting for Menkins to answer, Brittany bounced out of his office.
Standing with her back to her newly located locker, Brittany frowned down at the slip of paper with her schedule printed on it.
"White nail polish. I do love a girl who can pull that look off without looking too… anti-goth. You know what I mean?"
Brittany looked up to see a girl in bright lime pants and a sheer striped dark-colored shirt loosely buttoned over a dark tank. Her dark hair fell in big loose curls around her shoulders and her makeup looked expertly applied. Two girls stood on either side of Mercedes, nodding enthusiastically. "No, actually," Brittany replied, looking at her nails. She'd almost forgotten the final shade of polish she'd settled on after a long night of self-manicure indecision.
The girl laughed. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter, you wear it well. Mercedes Jones," she said, extending a hand and smiling broadly.
Brittany shook her hand awkwardly. "Brittany Pierce."
"Nice to meet a fellow fashionista. Love those boots by the way, daring choice with the mini, but you've got the legs to make it work." The girls with Mercedes again nodded in agreement.
"Thanks?" Brittany again checked to see which skirt she'd settled on after last night's fashion montage.
"Where'd you transfer from?"
"Uh, LA, we used to live in Los Angeles," Brittany replied.
"Oh my god! To live so close to all those beautiful people! And their shoes! Why would you move to this hellhole after being in LA?"
"Uh, yeah, well I didn't get a vote on that. My mom's work..." The bell rang once to signal five minutes before class began.
"Well anytime you wanna share stories of the lifestyles of the rich and well shod let me know. Talk to you later!" Mercedes wiggled her fingers over her shoulder as she and her entourage started to walk away.
"Uh, Mercedes?" Brittany called, causing Mercedes to turn and face her. "Listen I'm kinda lost, do you know where this classroom is?" Brittany held out her schedule for Mercedes to see.
"Computer Science, that's Ms. Corcoran's class. I have the same death sentence. Let's go!" Mercedes said smiling.
"Hi, Brittany, Mercedes," Tina said, smiling, as she jogged to catch up with them.
Brittany turned to answer but before she could, Mercedes interrupted, "Since you're new and this is your first day, a word of advice. Don't get yourself attached to the wrong crowd. It's like social suicide to be seen with some people at this school." Mercedes shot a glance over her shoulder at Tina. "No offense."
"How could I be offended at being compared to death?" Tina replied under her breath, smile melting.
Brittany stole a regretful glance back at Tina as the three of them entered the classroom. Tina found a seat upfront next to Sam. Mercedes lead Brittany to a seat in the back of the classroom next to her. The classroom was filled with loud chatter as the minute before class started quickly ticked away.
Ms. Corcoran was a slim dark-haired woman dressed in dark slacks and light colored silk paisley shirt. She smiled easily at her classroom before standing and raising her hand to tap her desk with the large silver ring on her index finger to get the class' attention. She paused when she heard a light knock. Opening the classroom door, Ms. Corcoran beamed upon seeing the tall thin blonde woman dressed in a tweed pants and matching tailored blazer, her hair pulled back and secured in a scrunchie. "Who are you today dressed like that?" Ms. Corcoran chuckled, turning her head to the side, surveying the woman.
"Here's a hint, I'm subbing in US Government…" the blonde replied.
"Ahhh…" Ms. Corcoran mused.
"The scrunchie?" the blonde offered.
"Uh, I'm stumped. Who?"
"Hillary Clinton! The pantsuit, the scrunchie. C'mon!" the blonde said looking disappointed.
Ms. Corcoran chuckled again, touching the woman's arm inconspicuously, and lowering her voice, "It's perfect." She winked and they both smiled. "Come by just to show me your costume?"
"They really don't fool anyone do they?" Sam said a little too loudly to Tina. Tina shook her head no and smiled.
"Hillary Clinton," Tina chuckled. "I think they're a really cute couple," Tina whispered back. "The cutting edge techno geek computer science teacher and the techno-phobic part time substitute/librarian/choir director; it's like every 90s sitcom in one."
"Get a room!" an unidentified student stage whispered from somewhere in the classroom. The whole class erupted in laughter.
Ms. Corcoran looked back over her shoulder and announced, "First quiz tomorrow, thank Mr. Nelson. I'd recognize your voice anywhere." The class groaned in reply.
Speaking in a louder voice, the blonde began, "Beg your pardon, Ms. Corcoran, I have a note here to excuse one of your students for a few moments."
"Ms. Holiday, sure, which one?" Ms. Corcoran said, barely keeping a straight face at their formality.
Ms. Holiday handed her the slip of paper in her hand, saying, "Brittany Pierce."
Ms. Corcoran turned away from the door and raising her voice spoke, "Miss Pierce? Ms. Holiday would like to see you about a matter in the library."
In the front row, Sam whispered to Tina, "Getting called to the library? On the first day of school? That's gotta be the world's fastest overdue book! What, are the loan times in seconds now?" Tina chuckled in reply.
Looking confused, Brittany stood and took a step forward, but then stopped reaching to grab her bag from the back of her chair. As she pulled it some of the contents of her purse fell out. Brittany's face flashed red and she hurriedly bent over to shove things back inside. A pamphlet entitled 'So You're your First Day Back at School After Expulsion', drifted to the floor. Walking quickly to the door, Brittany didn't hear Mercedes call after her.
"Brittany," she said picking up a ruler-sized object from the floor, "you left your…very large wooden nail?" Mercedes tossed the item gingerly onto the seat of Brittany's now empty chair.
"If this is about the magazine I borrowed from my old school library, I can explain. It was last year's Vogue, I didn't think anyone would miss it…" Brittany began once she and Ms. Holiday were out in the hallway.
Ms. Holiday looked at her, arching an eyebrow, but said nothing. Instead, she led the way to the library where she gestured for Brittany to enter. As soon as Brittany stepped into the room, she wrinkled her nose at the faintly vanilla-tinged scent that was trademark old library smell. The octagon shaped room was dominated by a heavy wooden table with reading lamps on it, set in the center of the tiled floor. Shelves of books were contained in tall dark wooden bookcases that could be accessed from the stairs on either side of the room. A wooden banister traced the octagon shape of the room separating the second tier books from the ground floor below. To the right of the door, Brittany could see the library checkout desk and behind it, what looked like an office. To the left side of the room was a grey metal cage that extended up to the ceiling and was easily twelve feet across.
When Brittany finished surveying the room she turned back to the door to see Ms. Holiday locking the library doors behind them. Ms. Holiday pulled the scrunchie from her hair allowing her bone straight blonde hair to fall on her shoulders. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to get you alone. I debated about your first week in Sunnydale, but you were moving in and, frankly, you had a lot of junk to unpack …" she began.
"Oh, I think you've got the wrong number," Taking a step away from Ms. Holiday, Brittany scanned the room once more for an alternate exit, at the same time reaching into her purse for her stake. She cursed under her breath. "I mean you're hot and everything but you're… old…older. Like… it's illegal, you know?" Brittany backed up until she felt the table in the center of the room bump her in the hip.
Ms. Holiday, tilted her head and frowned, brushing her hair back over her shoulder. "Illegal? What? No. NO! I'm not a pedophile!" Ms. Holiday exclaimed, her eyes widening as she held both hands out in front of her, shaking her head.
Brittany quickly circled around her and reached the door of the library, keeping her eyes on Ms. Holiday as she unlocked the door and kicked a wooden block under it to prop it open. "I don't care if you like walking, running or biking, just… do you mind if we keep the door open for now? My stranger danger Spidey senses are going cah-razy right now."
"Whatever melts your butter. Just, if it were me, I wouldn't want the entire student body to hear our discussion. Keep things on the down low, but…" Ms. Holiday shrugged, taking Brittany's place leaning against the table in the center of the room. Brittany looked at her uncertain and then back out into the hall. "Your choice. Let's get down to business."
"Business?" Brittany asked approaching slowly.
"The business of slaying."
Brittany held up a hand to halt Ms. Holiday. Walking back to the door she kicked the doorstop back into the room. "Everyone is in class now, so how about we at least leave it unlocked?"
"Thought you'd see it my way. So here's the deal, I've taken liberty of outlining the potential top five biggest threats at the moment, but I'd be happy to get your opinion after you've had some time to patrol," Miss Holiday said as she sat down at the table, opening an enormous leather book labeled 'Vampyr' which was just as much dusty as grey. "I can drop the 411 on you for threats I know about but, again, I'm assuming you're going to want to patrol and form your own opinion."
"Patrol?" Brittany asked, a frown shadowing her face as she recoiled at one of the woodcut illustrations of a furry beast on the pages of the tome in front of the librarian.
"Yes, patrol- find where the nests are, determine who the leaders are, knock some heads, make your presence known…" Seeing the look on Brittany's face, Ms. Holiday stopped and closed the book. "Oh, my bad. I've completely lost you, haven't? I was so excited about your arrival that I've completely…I'm Holly Holiday, world famous substitute teacher, choir director, school librarian. But most importantly, I'm your new Watcher, Miss Pierce." Ms. Holiday held out her hand.
Brittany, scrunched her nose at the food plopped onto her lunch tray, but didn't comment and moved to pay for her meal in the line with the other students. As she waited her turn, her eyes searched the lunchroom for a place to sit. In one corner she saw Mercedes holding court with a large group of well-dressed people standing around and beside her. They were all laughing loudly at what seemed like a joke Mercedes had just told. In another corner, Brittany saw the teacher's table. There Ms. Corcoran was speaking in an animated way to several other teachers while Ms. Holiday listened in silence, adjusting some sort of period costume that Brittany had never seen before.
Stepping away from the line after paying, Brittany started to walk towards Mercedes' group. Nearly halfway there, out of the corner of her eye she saw Ms. Holiday look up at her expectantly. Brittany quickly sat with her back towards Ms. Holiday at the first open seat she found.
"Uh, hi. Tina, right?"
"W-why? I mean Hi. Did you want me to move?" Tina replied, beginning to pack her sandwich back into her brightly colored penguin lunch box.
"No! Please! Don't go. I mean, I probably asked a month's worth of favor yesterday, but…stay?" Brittany replied, placing her hand on Tina's arm.
As Brittany said this, Sam returned with two soft drinks placing one in front of Tina. "So to what do we owe this social suicide attempt?"
"Can't I hang out with both of you?" Brittany asked looking over her shoulder at Mercedes' group. Mercedes looked back at her shaking her head as if she'd heard the question from across the room.
"N-not legally, no," Tina replied, confirming Mercedes' verdict.
"There can be only one!" Sam said loudly, in a Scottish accent. When both girls looked at him he replied, "Highlander. Don't you guys watch any classic scifi/fantasy?"
Ignoring him, Tina continued. "M-Mercedes will put you on her g-ghost list like the rest of us. She won't even acknowledge your presence…unless she needs help with her homework…then you get a temporary p-pardon." Tina shrugged.
"And you let her treat you that way?" Brittany asked.
"I'm not sure there's 'let' involved," Sam said, popping the top of his soda. The can erupted with white foam spraying on his shirt and jeans. When Tina laughed, Sam reached across the table, shook her unopened can, and made a face in her direction.
"All I'm saying is you can't let anyone bully you. You have to stand up for yourself," Brittany said. As she spoke Principal Menkins materialized behind her.
"Trying to incite a riot on your second day." Brittany looked back over her shoulder at him. "Cohen-Chang, I expected so much more from you. Evans…hapless follower is pretty much what I expected of you. You two have now entered the Circle of Scrutiny with Miss Pierce here. Congratulations." As Menkins walked away, he scowled at the three of them.
"W-well that was a fine how do you d-don't," Tina said, laughing.
"The Circle of Scrutiny? Really?" Sam joined in.
"We should have t-shirts and a secret handshake!" Brittany laughed.
"Pardon me for interrupting," the three of them stopped laughing to see Ms. Holiday standing at their table, tugging at the white scalloped collar of her outfit. "Mary Todd Lincoln? Shesh, the state of education in this place…" she said after noticing everyone was looking at her clothes.
"I knew," Tina said quietly.
"Whatevs, may I have a word with Pierce?" The three of them sat looking at her, unmoving. "Hello! In private?"
As Sam and Tina packed up the trash from their lunches, they stood and waved goodbye to Brittany.
"Private meetings with the librarian? Or is there a choral emergency? " Sam said as he and Tina walked away.
"Brittany, I've put together a training schedule that will kick your ass…hard. We'll get you in slaying shape in no time while still allowing time for you to study, or twitter, or poke people…whatever it is teenage girls do nowadays," Miss Holiday said sliding a piece of paper in front of Brittany and sitting down next to her.
"I don't need training," Brittany replied. Ms Holiday threw a balled up napkin at the side of Brittany's head. "Uh, what was that?"
"Your reflexes should've helped you out there. What if it was a crossbow bolt or a dagger?"
"But it wasn't. It was a napkin. I'm pretty sure if it was either of those things the police would be on their way right now."
"But the point is, the po po are useless against vampires and they won't be with you on patrol. You need to be prepared at all times. Until I know what your 'A' game looks like, no patrolling, kiddo."
"Wow! I feel the sudden need to respect authority."
"Now your training schedule…"
Brittany rolled her eyes before looking down at the schedule. "Before school, during school, and after school. Sounds about right."
"You're not complaining?" Ms. Holiday said, looking surprised.
"I'm not not complaining," Brittany answered.
"That's a double negative."
"So is this training schedule. You're pulling me out of Computer Sciences everyday?"
"I tried to pick the least important class," Miss Holiday responded.
"Computers aren't important? You're a librarian. How do you keep track of all the books in the library?" Brittany asked, looking at her quizzically.
"The card catalogue."
"How do you keep track of what's in all the books you've read?"
"How do you keep track of what's in all the books you haven't read?" Brittany asked, leaning forward. Ms. Holiday frowned in reply. Brittany sighed.
"If there are no objections, we'll start tomorrow morning. Don't be late," Ms. Holiday said before standing up and walking away from the table.
"Exactly what was missing from my social calendar, Slayer Training."
Another napkin ball hit her in the side of the head.
After training with Ms. Holiday for nearly a month, Brittany stood in front a mirror in the library wearing a pair of tight black jeans and a loosely fitted floral shirt over a tank top. Ms. Holiday sat at the table nearby, reading aloud from a book.
"Does the stake tucked in my waistband make my hips look big? Skinny jeans were definitely not designed with slayage armament in mind," Brittany sighs, turning to the side to look at her silhouette. She then pulled up her shirt and tank admiring her stomach in the mirror.
Ms. Holiday stopped reading and looked at her. "Are you even listening to me?"
"Yes. Hellmouth, blah blah blah. Vampire, blatty blatty blatty blah," Brittany replied, "I still don't get why you don't use a computer for that stuff. I mean, there's probably an app for that," Brittany said turning to look at Ms. Holiday.
"Sky. Net." Ms. Holiday replied simply returning to her reading.
"I don't get it. You're afraid of Jamaican cafeteria workers? That's kind of racist…"
Ms. Holiday frowned, "How did we go from riding the sanity train to licking the third rail so quickly?"
"What?" Brittany asked, also frowning. They both shook their heads. Ms. Holiday returned to reading aloud. Brittany turned back to the mirror, "I'm looking at my abs. Have you seen my abs?"
"All the abs in the world won't do you any good if…" Ms. Holiday paused for a split second throwing a large silver bladed knife directly at Brittany's head.
Brittany turned calmly, catching the knife by its handle a hair's width from her nose with a swift clap of her hands. Without pausing, she did a double aerial towards the table and stabbed the knife forcefully into Ms. Holiday's open book.
"…if I don't have good reflexes," Brittany finished. "I'm ready," she said and smiled benevolently before walking back to the mirror to admire her abs again. "Seriously, you should put out a DVD- The Watcher Workout, The Slayer Sixpack, The…"
The doors to the library opened, Tina and Sam entered noisily.
"T-there you are!" Tina exclaims seeing, Brittany.
"Wow! You look…hot!" Sam said, mouth hanging open. Tina elbowed him in the ribs.
"I know, right?" Brittany said, turning to face them, shirt still raised.
"Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later, Baby?" Sam said. "Austin Powers. C'mon! You've seen Austin Powers!"
"Yes, well, I hate to take the pot of simmering teenage hormones off the stove, but…why, exactly are you here?" Ms. Holiday began.
"It's the library. We've been here before," Sam answered. "Or Tina has, I'm sure…at some point…"
"Unicorns Ate My Ducky tonight at the BronzeStixx. Wanna crash?"
"Most none of what you just said was in a language I understand," Ms. Holiday said before closing her book and retreating to her office.
"The BronzeStixx? Will there be beer?" Brittany asked, sitting down next to Tina crosslegged on the library table.
"Only of the root and g-ginger variety, unless you have a fake ID," Tina answered, shrugging her shoulders.
"Nope, it was conjugated" Brittany said, swinging her legs back and forth.
"C-confiscated?" Tina suggested.
"Whatever, I don't have one," Brittany shrugged.
"There are chairs right next to you," Ms. Holiday said, returning with a cup of steaming tea and sitting behind the checkout desk. She looked at them over the top of her glasses and unfolded a newspaper. The headline of the Sunnydale Press announced 'Mysterious Animal Attacks Linked to Teen Deaths'.
"Hollz, has anyone ever told you that with a British accent you'd be the perfect little librarian?" Brittany asked, not moving from her perch on the table. Ms. Holiday looked up at her and sipped her tea expressionless. "Grumpy, you should get out more."
Jumping off the table and sitting in a chair, Tina said, "Uh, y-yeah, you could come too. Some of the teachers do, s-sometimes. You could bring Ms. Corcoran..."
Ms Holiday again looked up from her paper without speaking.
"So see you tonight, Britt?" Sam asked, interrupting Ms. Holiday.
"It's a date," Brittany nodded enthusiastically.
A/N: My many thanks:
Snixx, thank you for being my guinea pigs, muah!
Eminem, thank you for the poke... I mean, prompt. Hope it's what you were expecting.
Atomic K, thank you for listening to the whinge and being my Buffypedia. If anyone likes this, it's because of your great suggestions/feedback.
Foss, the one I always write for.
*underlined passages are directly from Mr. Whedon ;)