Kurt wasn't supposed to be having dreams about kissing his best friend. Why would he be having a dream like that? Did he actually have a crush on Blaine? Did he? But Kurt couldn't. Blaine wasn't his soul mate, it wasn't possible. Perhaps Kurt fabricated his feelings because he was finally close to someone. After years of keeping people away, he let someone in and trusted them, and therefore his brain interpreted that closeness as a crush. It only made sense. Since eight years old, Kurt resigned himself to the fact that he would never know his soul mate. He planned to live alone as a big Broadway star. But now, after being so close to Blaine these past couple of months, Kurt yearned for his soul mate again. Maybe one of these days, bravery would strike him to reopen that Block. They could meet and Kurt would know what that boy looked like, hear his thoughts, and finally take comfort in each other. Maybe, if he were lucky, Kurt would be forgiven. He tried to remember the boy from his dreams that happened long ago, but only a foggy impression greeted him.
Or maybe he wouldn't be forgiven. Maybe he hated Kurt from years of built up resentment. Maybe, instead, he would only be greeted by pain. Pain for what Kurt did and pain from his soul mate. Kurt couldn't live with that. And Kurt couldn't live with the possibility of causing more pain.
He sighed, willing his frustration away, and looked up at Blaine eating his cereal. Would telling him help Kurt feel better? Maybe these feeling would go away if he spoke to him about it. What would Blaine do if he knew? Knew what he had done, the worst thing someone could do. But, then again Blaine might be able to help Kurt through this. Something needed to be done to stop these feelings and get him back on the right track. And Kurt knew, out of anyone, Blaine would be the last to judge him.
With a deep breath, Kurt said, "Blaine?"
"Yes?" Blaine looked up from his breakfast, warm eyes greeting Kurt's.
Kurt searched his eyes but found nothing but acceptance there. Only acceptance ever greeted him from Blaine.
"I-I have a confession."
"Oh?" Blaine asked with an eyebrow raised.
"I-I," he looked down suddenly unsure.
Blaine waited patiently while Kurt thought. The last time Kurt told someone this, he ended up with no friends and the locker checks started. The last time he told someone this his whole life turned backwards. He learned people couldn't and shouldn't be trusted. But looking at Blaine, into Blaine's eyes, Kurt knew he could.
"Please don't tell anyone," he said hesitantly.
"I won't." And Kurt believed him. Whole-heartedly believed that Blaine truly wouldn't tell anyone. That Blaine would listen and just be there for him in whatever manner he needed.
"I don't know who my soul mate is," he blurted too fast but Blaine nodded so Kurt continued. "I blocked him when I was eight. After my parents died, I couldn't- I couldn't," Kurt took a stuttering breath.
Instead of judgment or disgust, Blaine only regarded him with sadness and understanding. He reached out to hold Kurt's hand, "It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. I understand. I completely understand."
"And I didn't have a chance to talk to him when we were eight. And I don't even remember what he looks like. And-and-and," Kurt stopped to steady himself. If he continued at this pace he was sure to start crying.
"Shhhh," Blaine lightly rubbed the back of Kurt's hand in comfort, "it's okay. I promise, it's okay."
"You don't hate me?" Kurt looked up at Blaine, hopeful yet astonished.
Blaine smiled softly, "I could never hate you."
"I should be strong enough to lower the Block. I should- I should be better. What kind of person does that?"
"No nononono. Kurt, you are absolutely perfect. Perfect, just the way you are. You went through something very traumatic when you were so young. It only makes sense." Blaine wished more than ever in that moment that Kurt could feel his love for him.
Kurt took a deep breath, not sure if he wanted to know the answer to his next question. But he wanted to know, "Wha- What's your soul mate like?"
Blaine stood up and hugged Kurt.
"My soul mate is incredible. Sometimes he doesn't think he is, but that's why I'm here. To remind him of how completely and utterly wonderful he is. He does the same for me, too, when I forget," Blaine told Kurt fondly looking right at him.
"I'm so glad you have a good soul mate," said Kurt snuggling into Blaine.
"Kurt, you-I," Blaine breathed, "I'm glad I do too. Really glad."
"Your soul mate is lucky to have you," he mumbled.
"I think I'm more lucky to have him."
"What's it like?" asked Kurt.
"What's what like?"
"Being connected to your soul mate?"
"When I hold him, I feel whole," Blaine replied.
And in that moment, being in Blaine's arms, Kurt did feel whole. He only wished that he was brave enough to let his own soul mate in.
Blaine couldn't believe that he almost slipped and told Kurt everything. He wanted to, he really really did. It took everything in his being not to pull Kurt in close and tell him that he was right there. That his soul mate was holding him and he loved Kurt more than anything in all the world. That he was incredible, amazing, and everything he could hope for in a soul mate.
But most of all, Blaine wanted to tell Kurt that he should never apologize for what the world had put him through. And that Blaine was the one who should apologize.
They spent the rest of the day together, and even though Kurt hoped his feelings for Blaine would somehow magically disappear after telling about his past, they unfortunately did not. Much to his despair, it became the exact opposite and instead intensified tenfold. Now that Kurt was aware of his feelings for Blaine, it felt like his whole body needed to be as close to him as possible. As they watched reruns of Project Runway, every movement Blaine made and every brush of limbs felt like an electric current. After restraining, and battling with his will to keep from touching Blaine, Kurt finally gave in to what his body was craving. With a resigning sigh, he rested his head on Blaine's shoulder. Then Blaine promptly wrapped an arm around Kurt, as if they were always meant to be like this. His whole self sagging with relief while his mind continued to battle. How could this be so very wrong, if it felt like the most right thing in the world?
Blaine, for his part, was perhaps the happiest he had ever been in his life. He swore he could almost hear Kurt's thoughts, it was really only a matter of time now. Smiling to himself when he realized Kurt's struggle, a bubble of delight ran through his soul when Kurt finally decided to cuddle. His whole life the reason to why Kurt blocked him out plagued him. But now he had the answer and it pained him even more that Kurt made himself suffer all the more. At least he understood and now that they were together, Blaine was never going to let go. He made it his mission to help Kurt.
In his own bed that night, Kurt once again dreamed about kissing Blaine. Just like the night before it felt real. Blaine's curly hair was so soft when Kurt ran his hands through it. And his lips were perhaps the most intoxicating thing Kurt had ever experienced.
When Kurt woke up he wished more than ever that it was real. He wanted to wrap himself up in Blaine and never leave. After being awake for hours unable to sleep with his thoughts swirling around Blaine and what to do about it, he concluded that this had to stop. Just because he was lonely and Blaine was the first person who gave Kurt comfort. Just because his eyes held such kindness and warmth when he looked into them. Just because everything about this felt right, holding Blaine, being with Blaine. Just because this felt real, didn't mean it was. Regardless of everything, Kurt couldn't keep pretending to feel all those things when they were very clearly fake.
He couldn't harm his soul mate more than he already had and he certainly refused, as oblivious as Blaine was, to cause a rift between Blaine and his soul mate. Blaine deserved his, Kurt didn't. And Kurt wouldn't be the one to ruin yet another person. The sooner he did it the better. Already he was in too deep and this would be the hardest thing Kurt ever had to do. But he depended on that boy too much, and the best way to go would be to cut him off cold turkey.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course you can."
"What does your soul mate think of us?"
Blaine's eyes widened and his whole body went tense. "Uh, what?"
"It's just you never talk about him unless asked, and even then you never give any details. But, still, I can tell you love him."
"I do. I love him very much." Blaine made to grab Kurt's hand.
Kurt swallowed hard and quickly pulled his hand away. Looking away from those eyes in order to continue he said," Right. I- I think that- well just because I put a Block on my soul mate and you have yours... maybe... I think that." Kurt struggled for words. No matter how much he practiced, actually saying it to Blaine with his hazel eyes staring intent on Kurt was much more difficult than he anticipated.
"Kurt what are you trying to say?"
Kurt told Blaine unable to look at him, instead staring at him own hands, "I don't think we should be friends anymore."
Blaine's world froze. Automatically he responded, "No. Kurt, no." Panic was evident in his voice as it shook.
Blaine reached out, but Kurt was already leaving.
Just as he hit the door, Kurt turned around and said, "I'm sorry, Blaine, but I've thought about it a lot and I'm standing by it. See you around." With as much composure as he could, Kurt closed the door. Then he ran to his room, tears streaming down his face the whole way.
Blaine sat shell shocked in his chair. And, for the second time in his life, Blaine felt the utter loneliness rise up inside him. But this time, instead of falling into despair, like his eight year old self did, he fought it. Determination coursed through him.
He was not going to lose Kurt a second time.
"He did WHAT!?" yelled Nick when Blaine told him and Jeff what happened. "Blaine, this is why you should have told him from the beginning who he was. You have to tell him now."
"I can't," Blaine moaned.
"Why the hell not!?" asked Jeff.
" He'll freak out," Blaine said matter-of-factly.
"Blaine, I know this is your life and your soul mate, but come on! I've had it up to here with the two of you. Kurt being oblivious and you being a stubborn idiot! Tell him," said Jeff.
"He needs to figure this out himself. I can't explain why, but I know."
"I'm going to talk to him."
"Nick," pleaded Blaine.
"I won't tell him. But if you are suffering so is he, maybe at the very least I can get him to be friends with you again."