The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is off doing some light reading. And now, more madness because I feel like it.
The Journal of Desmond DeBarclay
Cobra Commander stood by the doorway. He was wearing a long overcoat and a wide brimmed hat that barely covered his mask. "Come on. Come on," He grumbled under his breath as he looked around the room. So far no one had noticed him but he knew it was only a matter of time.
"What is taking her so long?" Cobra Commander hissed under his breath. "This is supposed to be a simple operation!"
The Baroness finally emerged from the room. She was also wearing an overcoat and carrying a bag. "I got it," She said in a hushed whisper.
"Good let's get out of here," Cobra Commander nodded. "Before somebody…"
"Just what are you doing?"
"Notices us," Cobra Commander groaned as he heard an authoritative voice.
"What kind of perverts are you?" The old woman stood there with her hands on her hips. "What have you got in that bag? Are you sex fiends?"
"In fairness anyone under a hundred must seem like a sex fiend to you," Cobra Commander snarled. "Out of our way!"
He tried to push her aside but instead found that she had a strong kung-fu grip. "Hiyaaaaa!" The woman flipped Cobra Commander onto his back. "HA!" She then got into a martial arts pose.
"Uh oh…" Cobra Commander gulped as he managed to get up.
"This could be a problem," The Baroness gulped.
"Think fast!" Someone shouted. Several books were thrown the old woman's way but she easily caught them all.
"That did not go the way I thought it would," Mindbender blinked. He was wearing a black shirt, long black trench coat, glasses, jeans, boots and a black skull cap on his head.
"GO! GO! GO!" Cobra Commander screamed as he took advantage of the distraction. The Baroness and Mindbender ran as well.
"COME BACK HERE YOU FREAKS!" The elderly woman ran after them. She was surprisingly spry for a woman of her years. "COME BACK WITH WHAT YOU STOLE!"
"Just our luck to cross paths with an octogenarian who runs marathons!" Cobra Commander panted. "MINDBENDER GET US OUT OF HERE!"
"What am I supposed to do?" Mindbender whined.
"Something! ANYTHING!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"STOP WHINING AND RUN!" The Baroness yelled. A book hit her on the back of the head. "OW!"
"Come back here you whippersnappers!" The older woman yelled as she threw books at the Cobras. "No one steals from my library and lives to tell about it!"
"It's not yours! It's a public library! And we are the public!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Less talking! More running!" The Baroness yelled.
"Where the hell is the car we stole?" Cobra Commander looked around.
"I don't know! I parked it around here somewhere!" Mindbender yelled as they ran around a parking lot.
"STOP YOU LITTLE HOOLIGANS! I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY!" The Librarian screamed as she chased them. She pulled something out of her pockets.
"Holy crap! Are those shuriken she's throwing?" Mindbender yelled as something whizzed by his head.
"No, just very stale donuts!" The Librarian shouted. "COME BACK HERE!"
"Stale donuts that put a dent in a car!" The Baroness yelled. "And speaking of cars…Mindbender where is it?"
"I don't know! I was sure I parked it right around here but I don't see it!" Mindbender shouted.
"Are you telling me someone stole our stolen getaway car?" Cobra Commander screamed. Something hit him on the back. "OW! What are those donuts made up of? Gravel?"
"Wait a minute why are we running?" The Baroness snapped as she pulled out her blaster. The Cobras stopped and turned around to face the woman. "We have guns!"
"And so does she," Mindbender gulped as the Liberian pulled out her own weapon and started firing.
"Never mind. Let's keep running!" The Baroness yelled.
"Since when do librarians pack heat?" Mindbender yelled.
"RETREAT! RETREAT FOR YOUR LIVES!" Cobra Commander shouted.
The Cobras ran down an alley. "Come back here you ruffians!" The Librarian shouted. She ran past several twists and turns and went down the block.
The Cobras poked their head out of another alley. "That was a close one," Mindbender gulped.
"That was humiliating," The Baroness groaned. "Lucky we were able to duck into these alleys and she didn't see us."
"All right. I will not say anything about Conan the Librarian if you won't," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Deal," The Baroness agreed.
Twenty minutes later at the docks….
"Did you get it?" Destro asked as the others returned to the ship.
"We got it," Cobra Commander hissed as he threw off his overcoat and hat. He opened the bag and pulled out some rolls of toilet paper. "Success!"
"And just in time," Xamot said as he took one of the rolls. He left to do his business.
"Don't you have to go?" Destro asked Tomax.
"It's not my turn," Tomax waved. "We go every other time."
"I always wondered about that," Mindbender said. "Know I know."
"And knowing is a great reason to try and find better topics of conversation," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"I can't believe we have to steal toilet paper from local library!" Destro fumed. "This is humiliating!"
"It wasn't all bad," Mindbender pulled something from his coat's deep pockets sewn inside his trench coat. "I got a couple of books that looked rather interesting."
"Oh goody, just what we need," Destro remarked. "Some reading material when we use our ill-gotten gains!"
"Stop whining Destro and start thinking how we are going to get out of this mess! Hasn't anybody got any ideas for crimes or capers we can pull off?" Cobra Commander shouted. "A bank robbery! How about a bank robbery? Or a jewel heist? What about a good old fashioned jewel heist?"
"Jewel heist? Bank robbery? Cobra Commander we barely managed to steal a few rolls of toilet paper from a public library!" The Baroness shouted. "We're in no shape to pull off crimes of that magnitude!"
"It's hopeless," Destro sighed. "Face it Commander. We're screwed."
"Look we're not completely licked yet!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We still have some of the Eddie Juniors right? We can use them for something!"
"Sure. Maybe we can use them to get some extra ketchup packets from McDonald's?" Destro quipped.
"Well I don't see you coming up with any brilliant ideas!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Maybe we can get an idea from these books I stole?" Mindbender looked through them. "They are rather old and I found them in the back of the research section. From the looks of it no one has been back there for years."
"Mindbender if you happen to find anything besides dust and insects in those scraps of paper I'll eat my hat!" Cobra Commander said.
"This one looks pretty interesting. The Journal of Desmond DeBarclay," Mindbender read aloud. "Rather old."
"Let me guess, it's the diary of some old fart who liked to write poetry?" Cobra Commander scoffed.
"Hardly," Destro raised an eyebrow. "If this is the same Desmond DeBarclay I am thinking of."
"He's famous?" Tomax asked.
"Mostly among members of my profession," Destro smirked as he took the book from Mindbender.
"He was an arms dealer?" The Baroness asked.
"One of the greatest of his time. Desmond DeBarclay moved to California with his wife, daughter and a few loyal servants after he ran a profitable business selling arms to the confederacy and the North during the civil war," Destro explained. "It's rumored he hid his ill-gotten gold on his estate. But no one ever found it."
"DeBarclay…," The Baroness thought. "Isn't it the name of that big mansion on Santa Rosa Island?"
"It is," Destro nodded. "DeBarclay had to flee for his life in order to avoid the law. He went as far as he could to avoid the law. But eventually the law caught up with him. Or more accurately a female bounty hunter named ironically Lacy Law."
"Oh yes…" Tomax thought. "Isn't he the one who died in the whorehouse with twenty seven bullets in his…?" He shifted uncomfortably and without thinking covered his groin.
"Yes. That's him. According to local legend his wife Susanna never found the gold and had to turn her estate into a secret house of ill repute," Destro said. "She and her daughter and their descendants used the property as both whorehouse and speakeasy until it was seized in 1939. After that it became a museum."
"Museum of what?" The Baroness asked.
"Teacups and teapots," Destro said. "Apparently Susanna and her daughter amassed a great collection. They used the premise of this mansion as a tea house until the authorities got tipped off what was going on here. Ironically that was when one of DeBarclay's descendants shot one of their customers below the belt."
"Fascinating story," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Riveting tale. I always said you can never get enough bullets in the groin stories."
"Hey!" Mindbender protested when Cobra Commander grabbed the diary. "I was gonna read that!"
"The only thing this piece of garbage is good for is fuel for the fire! Now where can I find some fire?" Cobra Commander looked around.
"Don't burn it! At least until I had a chance to read it!" Mindbender protested.
"Trust me, I'm saving you time!" Cobra Commander took out a lighter and lit it.
"Give it back! NO! Give it! NO!" Mindbender and Cobra Commander wrestled over the book.
"God and I thought the Dreadnoks were juvenile," Destro rolled his eyes.
"I'm gonna burn it! I'm gonna burn it!" Cobra Commander cackled as he held the lighter closer to the book.
"No you're not! No you're…Wait a minute…The page is fading and…Is that writing?" Mindbender realized something.
"Let me see that diary," Destro took the diary. "Commander give me your lighter!"
"Finally! Somebody with sense around here!" Cobra Commander handed over his lighter. "Burn it Destro! Burn it good!"
"I'm not going to burn it you fool," Destro growled as he used the lighter to light the page. "There is a coded message on this page. And not to add insult to injury Commander, but you just sounded exactly like Torch!"
"That is the most hurtful thing you have ever said to me Destro," Cobra Commander glared.
"To my beloved wife Susanna," Destro read the page. "If you are reading this then it means I am captured or dead. I wrote this letter using the special ink you gave me to make sure only you read the clues which will lead you to the treasure."
"Treasure?" Cobra Commander perked up. "What treasure?"
"If you would shut up for five minutes Destro will tell you!" The Baroness snapped. "Go on Destro."
"Under the place where horses rest, you will find a treasure chest," Destro read. "When sunlight hits at quarter to three, you will see the path to the legacy."
"Are you saying this diary has clues to some kind of treasure?" Cobra Commander was stunned.
"Not such a stupid book now is it?" Mindbender sneered.
"Shut up Mindbender!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Wait I thought you said that DeBarclay's wife had to work for a living? If she was so rich with the treasure why…?"
"Obviously Susanna never got the diary for some reason," Destro shrugged. "And that library houses a lot of old artifacts. It must have found its way there and just got shoved in the back."
"Cobra Commander…Do you know what this means?" The Baroness gasped.
"Yes. It means we might need those ketchup packets after all," Destro smirked. "It might make the hat easier to go down."
Cobra Commander glared at him. "If this is true we might be the only ones who can get to the treasure! And claim it for Cobra!"
"And you almost burned it," Mindbender gave him a look.
"No! I didn't! I knew about the fire writing all along!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"No, you didn't," Tomax sneered.
Xamot walked in. "What did I miss?"
"Cobra Commander nearly destroyed a vital clue to a treasure that Mindbender and Destro found," Tomax explained. "He also did a rather spot on Torch imitation."
"I DID NOT!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"No, I thought that Torch imitation was rather accurate," Mindbender said.
"He was referring to the clue, Mindbender," Destro rolled his eyes.
"No, I was talking about how I didn't sound like Torch," Cobra Commander said. "But that too!"
"You did on both counts Commander," Destro snapped. "Let's sail to Santa Rosa Island! We have a treasure to collect!"
Later that night…
"This is going to be easy," Cobra Commander chuckled as he looked at the perimeter of the museum through some night vision goggles. "I don't even see any guards."
"Budget cuts," The Baroness remarked as she casually finished readying her blaster. "Not exactly a huge call for people stealing tea cups and old doilies."
"We got the schematics for the security system," Xamot said. The twins were holding onto some kind of small IPad.
"All we have to do is hack into the system to get on the grounds," Tomax nodded.
"Good. Obviously the clue refers to the stables. Which are directly to the left of the mansion," Destro nodded as he checked out a small map. "According to this they've been mostly abandoned for years so we shouldn't worry about too many changes."
"Security system has been shut off," Tomax spoke up.
"Too easy," Xamot chuckled. "They'd have been better off with some guard dogs."
"There's something else we need to watch for if I can just remember…" Destro began.
"Oh never mind that Destro! Let's go!" Cobra Commander spat. He got up and walked towards the museum.
"Wait there aren't any guard dogs here are there?" Mindbender realized.
"No, now I remember," Destro realized. "Actually this museum has…"
"What the hell?" Cobra Commander grumbled. "What are these…? YEOWWW! AAAAAH!"
"Guard goats," Destro finished. "The museum has goats trained to not only guard the perimeter at night but to help keep the grass down."
"AAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander yelled as he ran from the goats. "WHO THE HELL TRAINS KILLER GOATS IN THE FIRST PLACE? AAAAAHHHH!"
"Guard goats? I never heard of that," The Baroness blinked.
"Oh yes," Tomax nodded. "A lot of people…"
"Use goats instead of dogs because they are cheaper to maintain," Xamot added.
"Goats are very loyal," Mindbender spoke up. "I had a pet goat as a child once. She was a great watch goat as well as a nanny."
"AAAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander ran the other way from the herd of bleating goats.
"I hear they use goats a lot in China," Destro remarked.
"They are certainly effective," The Baroness watched the mayhem. "You cannot deny that."
"OW! OW! WHO KNEW THAT GOAT HORNS COULD HURT SO MUCH? OW! MY BUTT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Well now that Cobra Commander has distracted the security system," Destro said. "Let us proceed to the stables."
"What about Cobra Commander?" Mindbender asked.
"AAAAH! HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME! AAAAAH!" Cobra Commander screamed as he ran for his life.
"Eh, he'll be fine," Destro waved. "Let's go." The remaining Cobras followed him away.
About five minutes later. "All right now we know that there has to be a hidden switch in these stables somewhere," Destro looked around the place.
"Ugh, what a dump," The Baroness looked at the dust and debris with distain.
"Still neater than the Dreadnoks' rooms," Mindbender remarked.
"Well you're not wrong," The Baroness agreed. "Now where did it say the secret lever was Destro?"
"It said when sunlight hits at a quarter to three," Destro read the directions he had rewritten on a piece of paper. He looked around. "Ah, there used to be a window right there. It's all boarded up. Obviously when the sun went down at exactly 2:45 it showed where the lever was."
"So all we gotta do is break open the sealed window and let the sunshine in!" Mindbender beamed.
"Why don't you break open your head and let your brains in?" Destro snapped as he motioned with his flashlight. "We don't need to do that! Now I believe that if I move the flashlight this way…"
"AAAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander ran into the stables and slammed the door behind him. He was dirty, covered in mud and straw and his clothes were tattered.
"Oh there you are Cobra Commander," Destro said casually as he worked his flashlight. "I was wondering what kept you."
"Oh nothing much," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Just ran into some new friends who wanted to chat. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU RESCUE ME?"
"Did you need assistance Cobra Commander?" Destro kept a straight face.
"No, I was just screaming help me at the top of my lungs for the pure fun of it!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Well you did get rid of the goats," Destro remarked.
"Not exactly," Cobra Commander grumbled as several bleating sounds were heard at the door. "Have you found the damn treasure yet?"
"Almost Cobra Commander," Destro moved the flashlight. "Now the lever to the hidden treasure must be somewhere on this light."
"Well I don't see anything," Cobra Commander hissed.
"Patience Commander," Destro said. "I am sure we will find it…"
"Patience? Patience? I was nearly a goat dinner and you lecture me on patience?" Cobra Commander bristled. He stomped over to where Destro shone the light. "Where is it? Where is it?" He stomped around.
"Commander stop fooling around," Destro said.
"WHERE IS IT? Where is it? I want my treasure!" Cobra Commander stomped around. "If I came all this way for nothing! Stupid! Ridiculous…" He grabbed a nearby barrel and shoved it out of the way.
"This is no time for a tantrum," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"Oh really? Well I think this is the perfect time for a tantrum! I want that treasure now! NOW! NOW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" Cobra Commander screamed as he stomped his foot right where the barrel had been.
Then the floor opened up from under him and he slid down.
"Ah there it is," Destro grinned brightly. "I knew it was around here somewhere."
"That barrel must have hid the secret lever," Mindbender remarked.
"NO REALLY?" Cobra Commander's voice was heard. "I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED?"
"Are you all right…?" Xamot called out.
"Cobra Commander?" Tomax said as they pointed their flashlights at the hole.
"JUST PEACY!" Cobra Commander screamed. "I'm thinking of making this my new headquarters! A few curtains here. An end table there…GET ME OUT OF HERE YOU FOOLS!"
"We're coming Commander," Destro said as they started to carefully go down the hidden passageway. "Hang on."
"Like I have a choice?" Cobra Commander sneered. "Ugh, it smells like a Dreadnok's armpit down here!"
"Here we go," Destro brought his light. Cobra Commander was staggering to stand up out of a huge pile of mud he landed in.
"Destro this stupid idea of yours better be worth it!" Cobra Commander tried to fleck away the mud. "Great! I just had this uniform cleaned!"
"I don't see anything," The Baroness looked around as she held her light up.
"Hold on, there's a tunnel down this way…" Mindbender pointed.
"Let's follow it and see where it leads," Destro suggested.
"It better lead to treasure or men will suffer for this!" Cobra Commander stomped by them.
"We're already suffering," Xamot wrinkled his nose from the smell of Cobra Commander passing him by.
"There's nothing here! No, gold! No nothing!" Cobra Commander yelled as they came to the end of a tunnel.
"There used to be something here," The Baroness looked around. "There are lots of shelves."
"Empty shelves!" Cobra Commander snarled.
"There's some parchment here," Destro carefully pulled out a paper from a shelf and unfurled it. "Mistress Susanna, if you are reading this you have probably figured out that the gold is not here."
"What?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you that I, Maisy your maid and former slave was also your late husband's lover," Destro read. "And my son is also his son."
"Oh this can't be good," The Baroness said.
"He taught me to read and write and all about the fire writing. I helped him with his smuggling. But you know all that. What you don't know is the master told me to give you the diary when he died. I didn't but I guess you got it anyway. I took the gold and with our son Jessie and booked passage on a ship to Liberia. There we will live in freedom far away from you and your family," Destro went on.
"You have got to be kidding me?" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Hope you and your spoiled brat of a daughter burn in Hell, Maisy," Destro finished reading. "P.S. I also took your favorite pink gown. It looks better on me anyway."
"Well…now we know why Susanna never got the diary," The Baroness sighed.
"And knowing…Really really sucks! I hope the ship sank!" Cobra Commander snapped as he kicked the ground in frustration.
"Wow…That was a twist I did not see coming," Mindbender shook his head.
"Oh right. Now I remember the rumors about one of their servants stealing the DeBarclay fortune," Destro frowned.
"Now you remember? Couldn't you remember this little fact before…? Never mind! Serves 'em right for teaching a slave to read and write in the first place!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I always said things like that would bite you in the end!"
"Putting aside the Commander's political incorrectness and outright evil," Destro groaned. "This means the entire night has been a wasted effort of futility!"
"Pretty much par for the course," Xamot sighed.
"Futility should be Cobra's middle name!" Tomax agreed.
"No, no it will not!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I didn't go through Shepherd's Hell in order to walk away empty handed! Come with me! We're going to salvage something from this fiasco if it is the last thing we do!"
"Like what?" Destro asked.
"Goat meat for one thing!" Cobra Commander pulled out his laser blaster. "Come on!"
"Oh goody," Tomax sighed as they followed Cobra Commander.
"This will make the evening news," Xamot agreed.
The following evening….
"That was one of the stupidest capers we ever pulled off," Destro grumbled as he sat around the large ship Cobra made their base in.
"Turned out not to be that bad. Good thing that mansion had restrooms. Now we have enough toilet paper for months," Cobra Commander said brightly. "As well as some lovely accessories to brighten up the place." He pointed to the half dozen pillows around them.
"Charming," Destro sighed. "But why did you steal all the teapots and teacups?" He pointed to several crates on the side.
"I'm going to use them for target practice," Cobra Commander said. "Waste not, want not."
"Commander we are on!" The Baroness called out.
"Oh goody," Cobra Commander said. He turned his attention to the large screen TV on the wall.
"Tragedy struck the DeBarclay Teapot Museum on Santa Rosa last night," A newswoman spoke as footage of a large building on fire was shown.
"Did you have to burn the entire building to the ground?" Destro asked.
"After the Night of the Killer Goats, yes I did!" Cobra Commander scoffed. "My only regret is that I didn't get any stupid goats!"
"And yet people have been getting your goat for years," Destro quipped. "I know. Bad joke but someone had to say it."
"According to the authorities the terrorist organization Cobra is responsible for this heinous crime," The newswoman reported.
"You let the authorities know that Cobra did this? Why?" The Baroness was stunned.
"Because we're terrorists! Word of mouth is everything in this business!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Don't worry I stole some guy's cell phone then threw it in the garbage. They'll never find us."
"What guy?" Destro asked.
"I don't know. Some guy. While we were at the library yesterday I just happened to find this cell phone on the floor and picked it up," Cobra Commander waved.
"Commander," The Baroness looked out the window. "Where exactly did you throw away the cell phone?" She sounded rather nervous.
"Outside in the trash somewhere. Why…?" Cobra Commander looked outside. On the docks was a familiar figure.
"I got you now you little twerps," The Librarian sneered as she stood on the dock and pulled out the cell phone. She saw the Cobra ship. "Ah ha!"
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander gulped. "Destro! Pilot the ship out of dock! We're leaving! Now!"
"What? Why?" Destro asked.
"Just get us out of here!" Cobra Commander yelled. "DIVE! DIVE!"
"Uh Destro do as the Commander says," The Baroness gulped as she saw the figure of the Librarian come closer to the ship. "Very quickly please!"
"Oh Dear God what have you lot done now?" Destro moaned as he went to the ship's steering and started to pilot the ship away.
"Move it! Move it! Come on!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Faster! She's trying to board us!"
"Who is trying to board us?" Destro looked in the rear view mirror. "Who is that old woman?"
"Just get us out of here!" Mindbender shrieked.
"We're going, we're going," Destro grumbled.
"She dived right in after us!" The Baroness gasped.
"Put the pedal to the metal Destro!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Fine, we're going!" Destro piloted the boat.
"Okay we're starting to pull away," Mindbender looked out the window. "She's still swimming after us!"
"It's okay, Mindbender," Xamot quipped.
"I think our ship can out run an old woman," Tomax remarked.
"Don't be so sure!" Mindbender pointed.
"Good lord," Tomax was stunned.
"Is she gaining?" Xamot's jaw dropped.
"FASTER! FASTER! FULL SPEED AHEAD!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Do I want to know about this?" Destro asked the Baroness.
"No," The Baroness sighed. "You really do not."
"Good, not knowing will help me sleep at night," Destro moaned.