Through the looking glass
As Regina watched the fake her parade around the bedroom in fancy lingerie, she couldn't help but think to herself, that perhaps in some ways she had this coming. The Curse had experienced Unknown error number: 16754. This was the error number for big red button related snafus. She was now trapped in her own mirror, by her own curse malfunction and plot convenient magic.
This was by far either the most elaborate revenge plot ever, or the most ridiculous thing to have ever happened to her.
She discounted the revenge plot. Gold was twisted, but he wasn't this twisted – also he hadn't come to gloat. This was way beyond the wiles of the Snows and the Charmings of this world – besides revenge wasn't really their thing.
She hadn't see any of her fellow fairytale characters since it happened. She found that she oddly missed them. She liked being their evil queen and lording it over them – and she did a damn better job at it that the imposter standing before her.
The Buffoon over-egged the evil pudding. They had an inordinate fondness for maniacal laughter, ridiculously convoluted plots and puppy kicking. Also a disconcerting love for her designer outfits, lacy lingerie and embarrassingly, the thigh-high boots she kept in the back of her closet.
Today the Buffoon plumbed new depths of human stupidity. The Buffoon evidently wanted to "Take over the Land". Regina could tell this because the Buffoon had gotten out a whiteboard to start brainstorming. The whiteboard read:
Taking over this Land.
A rough plan:
Step 1: Set everything on fire.
Step 2: Kill all remaining survivors.
Step 3: Set everything on fire again (just in case).
Step 4: ?
Step 5: Profit?
Step 6: World domination.
Step 7: Mwahahaha.
Regina rolled her eyes and muttered "amateur" under her breath. Inexplicably, the Buffoon hear this, due to plot convenient magic.
"who's there?" the Buffoon whips around, making sure to fan her hair out like she thinks she's in a shampoo commercial.
"It's me." Regina calls from the mirror.
"Who's me?" The Buffoon asks as she comes over to the mirror and readjusts her cleavage.
"Me! The woman who's body you snatched – and if you don't give it back I am going to boil you in oil!" Regina threatens.
"Gah!" the fake her jumps back in surprise – then comes forward to touch the mirror in curiosity.
"You're stuck in there – aren't you? How can you boil me in oil if you are stuck in a mirror". The Fake her just loves to test fate. Regina is not sure how she will get her revenge on this imposter, but she vows that she will. But first she needs to find a few things out, now that they are talking. She plays meek.
"Yes, fine – you got me. I am trapped here. But I just dislike seeing you make a fool of me – that taking over the land plan is just amateurish. I could help you...if you like."
"It's not amatuerish – I've tried this plan before. It's a good plan!" The buffoon is defensive.
"How did it work out for you before dear?" Regina asks sweetly. The buffoon does some disgruntled mumbling about being beaten by a twelve year old, before saying "you can't expect elaborate, well-thought out plans from me! I'm only a cartoon villain after all!" a bit defensively.
Ah ha – now they were getting somewhere.
"Cartoon villian eh? Just out of curiosity, who are you exactly?" Regina is acting like they have just been introduced at a brunch.
"Firelord Ozai, ruler of the entire firenation empire." The Fake her puffs her chest out proudly.
A man! Her body had been taken over by a man! Well it did explain the fake her's complete fascination with boobs, coupled with her complete inability to work bras. Fake her struggled all morning trying to clasp up one of her more lacy numbers.
"And, one villian to another - how did you get here, Firelord Ozai?" she asks pleasantly.
"I pushed a big red button." The firelord answers plainly.
"Was this big red button covered in warning signs?" Regina tried to keep the irritation out of her voice. This Firelord really was an amateur.
"Maybe" he said sheepishly, like Henry did when he had his hand caught in the cookie jar.
"Did you even know what it did before you pushed it!" Regina could help but snap. The firelord was an imbecile.
"Well who are you to get all high and mighty on me. I don't have to take this from a mirror lady!" the firelord snaps back.
"I am Evil Queen Regina! I am the most powerful, magical badass you will ever meet. I cursed An Entire Kingdom to a lifetime of sadness and has us all magically transported here – just so I could lord it over them. Believe me - you don't want to mess with me."
"But I brought everyone with me from my own land." The firelord said, looking confused.
"Yes, well – You ill-thought out red-button pushing has overridden my curse." Regina confessed, angrily. All of her darling cursed fairytale characters had been zapped into the ether between the worlds, when that big red button was pushed. She, as the original curse caster, had to remain behind, trapped in the mirrors.
"So does that mean everyone I brought over here is incredibly miserable? Even my own kids?" The firelord enquires.
"Probably – the curse will still have the same effect." Regina says, a little cautiously. She would never wish to make Henry unhappy, so she is trying to be delicate.
"Yes! Suck it Zuko!" the firelord does a fist pump – evidently he is not as sentimental about his own kids.
Just at that moment, the door bell rings. It is sheriff Graham Zuko. The firelord seems a little thrilled at this.
Regina can move between mirrors in the house, and she watches the goings on at the door, from the hallway mirror. On the step is the new sheriff. He is not her Graham – but he is handsome, pleasant, eager to keep the town safe and do his job. Regina does not know much about him, except for the fact that he does not deserve the barrage of crazy coming his way.
"Hello Regina, I'm sorry to disturb you, but I am just trying to track down Hank?" the sheriff says, business-like but kind.
"My God – you are still chasing down that child! I've cursed us to bizzareland and you are still stuck chasing the avatar!" the fake her, firelord Ozai laughs manically. This statement and subsequent laugh seem to completely confuse Sheriff Graham Zuko. He blinks twice, pauses and then continues like Fake Regina has not spoken.
"Mr Sokka has told me that he has not shown up for class, again. Do you realise that he has been skiving off school for these past few days?" He sounds a little more uncertain now.
"You really must hate this job. It is small and boring and makes you feel insignificant. Now you have nothing better to do with your time than bother your betters." Fake Regina says, and then chortles to herself that this is "sweet sweet justice."
The Sheriff is officially lost in this conversation. He thought he had just told the Mayor that her son was missing, not given her a speeding ticket. He is used to that sort of abuse when he pulls people over for speeding – but he has become accustomed to more parental worry and cooperation when it comes to dealing with missing children. Something about Regina seems very off today.
"Regina, for give me if I am being rude, but have you been drinking?" The Sheriff is concerned.
"Yes! I have been drinking the sweet nectar of revenge!" Fake Regina states and then laughs her arse off. The she leans over and gives Sheriff Graham Zuko a slap on the back and says "I am just glad that it still sucks to be you Zuko!" before she slams the door in his face.
"Oi, You on the couch – Stop playing with My Boobs and Get Off Your Arse and Go Find My Son!" Regina has officially lost patience with the Firelord inhabiting her body and has taken to shouting at him from the mirror. Regina is not sure if there is any of Henry still inside Hank. She is not certain how he would be affected by the Big Red Button Curse – however she feels it is crucial that they keep Hank safe, all the same.
Eventually, the Firelord shifts himself, muttering. "Fucking women, always nagging me about the kids. You're bloody worse than my own wife, you are."
"I am the Evil Queen! I am worse than everybody's wife, you horse's arse."
If anyone had seen this, they would have seen Regina having a very spirited argument with herself in the mirror. They would have been forgiven for thinking that she had completely taken leave of her senses.
Perhaps she had - the Firelord inhabiting her body is certainly driving her stark raving mad.
For the first time, Regina starts to actively plot how to end her own curse.
Notes: For those of you who don't watch Once, Regina is the only character from that show who will make an appearance. she's a fun character. My take on her; I think she is deliciously evil. She loves Eviling it up...but she also loves her son. she's clever, a snappy dresser and a competent villian. I imagine that she would get very frustrated with Ozai's style of villiany.
Also Once, though I love it, is afflicted with an abundance of plot-convenient-magic. So Plot convienient Magic will abound in this fic too.
Onwards - to adventure!