Disclaimer: pretty simple. Not mine. Wish they were. Really wish Spike was. But they both belong to someone else. sigh

Warning: umm . . . character death? Almost . . . but not gonna say anymore. Will be updated eventually. Will have more than one part. Oh . . . and slash. Guy/guy sex (or at least hints of it). Think that's it.

Angst, eventual sap/WAFF,

Last Words

"What are you doing?"

I know that voice. But it sounds panicked. What's wrong? Is there something wrong with Dawn? It can't be Buffy . . . everything she could have done to him she has done before. Nothing changes . . . she never changes . . . I wonder if it is a Slayer thing?

"Bloody Hell, Xander! What the fuck did you do?"

Oh. It's my fault again. I open my eyes . . . wait, when did I close them? I forget everything as soon as my eyes are open. Everything is hazy except for the blue. Spike's eyes are concerned. Worried? Maybe a little afraid? No, Spike isn't afraid. Maybe worried that another blood supplier is leaving. But he can't be afraid.

That's when I notice all the red.


"God, pet. What did you do?"

He is afraid. I can hear it in his voice. It's the strangest thing. I never thought I would hear that. But now I can hear him mumbling to himself. I kinda feel like I'm floating, not really in my body anymore. It's kinda neat . . .

"Blood everywhere. Shit. Stupid Harris. Bloody fucking stupid!"

I wonder if Spike realizes that he is shouting now. I giggle. I can hear Spike moving around, and then I see those pretty blue eyes. I always liked blue eyes.

"Xander, why? What happened?"

It takes me a minute to get what he is asking. Why is my blood everywhere, painting my apartment red? What happened to finally convince me that I really am useless? The only thing that isn't red is Spike. Ironic that the only thing here not drenched in blood is the blood-sucking vampire.


"Where is she?"

"She left."

The scene plays back in my mind.


"Xander. I've decided that you don't want to give me orgasms anymore. And that's okay. I don't want you to give me them anyway. I've found someone to give me better orgasms. The rent is paid up through the next month. Have a nice life."

Leaving me. Walking out the door to our apartment, the one that we had gone shopping for together. The anger came first. Why didn't she give me a chance to say anything? Not even good-bye? And she cheated on me!

But then the anger disappeared. Once again I was deemed unworthy. Useless. Apparently, I can't do anything right.


"Fuck, Xander. Why?"

"Worthless, useless, can't do anything right. No one wants me."

I can hear my voice get softer. It's getting a little bit harder to breathe, but that's okay. I don't really need to anymore anyway. Right. Breathing optional.

"Not worthless. Not useless."

Spike's voice is getting softer too. I wonder how is it that vampires speak, but don't need to breathe? Don't you need air to talk?

"You're not right! Come on, Xander, just hold out a little longer."

Yup, Spike is definitely scared. I wonder why. And I know that I am right. No one wants me. Not Cordelia, not Willow, not Buffy. Certainly not Faith. And now Anya? Nope, the evidence has been compiles, submitted, and judged. Xander Harris is a useless screw-up, who can't make the simplest relationships work.

I open my eyes again. When did I close them this time? Doesn't matter. All I see is blue. Endless blue. The pathetic remains of a worthless life have been sucked dry by these ice-blue eyes. I can hear him saying something, but I can't make out the words. My eyes drift shut again as I am pulled away from the blue, and as I float into the sea of black, I find the energy to say one last thing. Make it memorable, I think to myself. My entire life has led to this point. Don't screw up again.

"Good-bye Spike."

That'll work.