Disclaimer: this story was co-written by myself and my good buddy Zhaneel. Unfortunately, we do not own Zelda, but if we did...ooh, if we did, SHE WOULD DIE AN IMMENSELY PAINFUL DEATH!!!!!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!
Cough...ummm...sorry.

Note: Oh, and by the way, when and if Shiek shows up in this story, HE AND ZELDA ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEADS!!!! Ok?! Good. Now, on with the show!

Dedication: To all Princess Zelda and Navi haters everywhere!!!!!
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Zelda cursed under her breath as she stepped in yet another cowpie. "Oh fudge, that better not stain! That red-headed wench will pay for my dry-cleaning bills if it does..."
She continued to mutter unintelligibly to herself she struggled to zip up her hand-woven silk cow costume (complete with a brand new 65-carot gold cowbell and bright fuschia velvet bow), and stalk silently through the fields at the same time.
" Heh-heh...gasp...wheeze...Link will never ...gasp...even suspect that...wheeze...I'm here...pant... in this brilliant disguise." She let out a deep breath as she finally managed to squeeze herself into the costume. "I'll finally be able to catch him with that, that farm wench, that country bizzom, that, that...GIRL. And then he'll HAVE to come back to me!" She sighed dreamily as she pictured the tall, blonde, drop-dead GORGEOUS hunk of a man holding her tenderly in his strong, well-muscled arms...
SQUISH.
"Mice!" she swore, then sighed. Another cowpie! As she wearily bent down to scrape the muck off her hoof, Zelda froze.
"Oh, Link, that was fantastic!"
Zelda peered over the bushes in front of her, quickly (and rather inconspicuously she thought) dropping to all fours. She gave a loud gasp, quickly turning it into a moo as she stared, dumbstruck, at Malon.
The little wench was running with her skirts hiked up to her knees! Had she no decency? No modesty? How could Link prefer this brazen little tart over her? The lovely Zelda, Princess of Hyrule, former Sage of Light...
She gritted her teeth angrily, thinking of her former title. How dare kick her out of the Sage club! She was what held that little group up, gave it dignity... and they kicked her out. For no reason! So what if she had thrown a Light arrow at Ruto? The stupid fish-head had tried to marry her precious Link!
And her replacement...
Zelda balled up her fists, trying to control her rage. No, she wouldn't think of that
now, there were more important things at hand.
Link had just dismounted from... what was his horse's name again? Pony? What a stupid name for a horse. She had named her horse Cupcake. Now that was a fitting name for a horse.
Oh wait, Link was talking...
"Shucks Malon," he said gallantly. " I'm sure you could have done better than a measly 49 seconds."
"You're right," agreed Malon. "I can and have done better, but don't get discouraged, it's a hard obstacle course!"
"Discouraged?" Link laughed. "I never get discouraged. I beat Ganondorf and that stupid Mask didn't I?" He gave her a grin, trying to show off his muscles without being too conspicuous.
Zelda sighed, watching him flex his biceps. He was soooooo handsome! And soon, he would be hers...
Malon muttered something too low for Zelda to hear, turning to stroke the horse.
"What was that?" Link asked, still showing off.
"Oh, nothing Link," Malon replied hastily, turning to give him a brief smile.
While her back was turned, Link sighed, gazing like a moon-struck calf at Malon.
Zelda was livid. How dare that stupid cow-herding ninny flirt with her precious
Link! And the way he was looking at her...Zelda wanted to throw a princessly temper tantrum, but she was pretty sure that cows, even princess cows, did not throw temper tantrums. So she settled for a loud angry "MOOOOOOO!!!!"
Malon jumped, looked around, and then flashed a brief apologetic smile at Link.
"I'm so sorry Link, but I have to put the cows in the barn. Will you excuse me for a minute? It's getting late."
"Of course! Go ahead! I'll just practice on Epona for a while..." he trailed off. Malon was already dashing away.
Zelda gave a start. Oh fish! Malon was heading straight for her, cooing gently. She looked distracted, her eyes slightly unfocused as she ushered the cows towards the barn.
Ha! Zelda thought viciously. Upset about being away from my man, eh? Well, if I have anything to say about it - and I will! - you'll never see my Linky-poo again you, you... drat! I can't think of a good word! Fuming, Zelda racked her brain furiously for the right word, completely oblivious of the barn door closing behind her.

The End... for now. PLEASE review!!!! This is my first fanfic, so go easy on me...