"We're not doing a double date, Alexa." Pat crossed his arms. His girlfriend had been nagging him for weeks about a double date with her friends Kayla and Bernard - and he was done with it.
"Come on! She's my best friend!"
"No. She's weird, and so is Bernard."
"Bernard's not weird. He's just different than you, that's all."
"Different in a bad way! Besides, I don't like Kayla, either. She never lets her sister Miley hang out with me."
"That's because Miley is insane."
He rolled his eyes. "Come on. She's hilarious."
"No, Pat, she's a psychopath."
"Still not as weird as Bernard the elf boss or whatever he is."
"He works at the North Pole. He's very busy. It's not his fault that he gets stressed out sometimes."
"It doesn't matter. I'm not going. Besides, what would we do together?"
"I don't know. Talk about guy stuff. Sports. Cars."
"I'm pretty sure the only cars he's been around are toy cars."
"Maybe, but he's been closer to a comb than you have."
He gasped. "What-"
"Yes, I just went there."
"What are you suggesting?"
"I'm not going to talk about this anymore. You're going, whether you like it or not."
"But where are we going? To the mall?"
"Wow, thanks for that helpful suggestion. But no. We're going out to dinner."
"Deal with it."
"No. I actually need to write som-"
"Deal. With. It."
"Where are we going to eat dinner? In the mall? I hope Bernard likes shopping."
"No, we're not eating in the mall. I'm not letting you shop again."
"Come on. That nail polish was a great deal."
"No, honey, it wasn't. You know why? Because men don't wear nail polish." He hid his fingernails at that remark. "You're wearing it right now, aren't you?"
"Get rid of it."
"But it's mine! I payed for it! It was a good deal!"
"I bet Bernard doesn't wear nail polish."
"I'll bet you he does. It's probably part of his dress code. Like, green and red or something."
"What do you bet? Come on."
"I bet a shopping spree at Sephora. For me."
"Sephora? You're going to be the only guy looking at makeup."
"Do I look like I care?" he said, waving his perfectly-manicured nails in Alexa's face.
"No, you really don't," she sighed.
"So do I get my shopping spree?"
"Only if Bernard is wearing nail polish. What do I get if he's not?"
"I'll write you a love song."
"You don't even write lyrics."
"Yes I have."
"It would still be terrible."
"Yeah, tell me that after you win 19 Grammys."
"For songs without lyrics."
"Fine. I'll go. But I'm not happy about this."
"I didn't ask you to be happy about it."
"Well, I'm not. Just letting you know."