A.N.: I just noticed I've not (really) written any crack stories. There goes my squeaky clean record.
Warning: Because all silly stories need a bolded warning sign. This fic may contain sexual innuendo (intentional or not), incessant swearing courtesy of one Eustass Kidd, may not be appropriate for vegetarians due to Luffy's indulgences, and contains one something or other that may or may not make it out alive by the end of the fic.
Squirrelling Up in the Room
"Hey, Traffy." There was no answer. "Heya, Traffy." None whatsoever. The chant filled the stuffy air of the enclosed space, but did not seem to catch the attention of the teen with short, dark hair hidden under a spotted baseball cap. "Hey, Traffy. Traffo. Trafal-guy. Trafalafel. Falafel, yum. Wait, no meat… Um, Traffy, hey Traffy–"
Finally the one addressed turned fully around in his spinnable computer chair, making sure his displeasure was visible with a deep frown. Of course, Luffy was not known to be one to pick up on the subtle annoyance of others all that often.
"Whatcha doin'?" he asked, plopping himself down on a nearby bed that gave them less than a meter's distance from one another's faces. "Is this another one of your diabawlin' plans?"
"…Did you mean 'diabolic'?"
Luffy blinked and shrugged. It wasn't as if he cared about the correct pronunciation of a word, which irked his roommate terribly. "My word's cooler because it sounds like brawling. But not."
Trafalgar Law sighed and tried to look past the fact that Monkey D. Luffy was sitting on his perfectly made bed and making a mess of it. The kid could not sit still for any amount of time, and his squirming bunched the sheets around his butt. Law did not like the looks of rumpled sheets. Imperfections like rumpled sheets irked him. Besides his bed being a mess he also had to endure, for the sake of his education, two sides of a single room looking like separate war zones. He had the misfortune of sharing this small living quarters with two messy morons.
His eyes did a quick sweep of the Room, as it was an exceptional space that warranted a capital letter in his mind. It had four walls, as standard rooms often do, and the Room was unremarkable in that sense. However, there were sectors to the Room, very clearly indicated by precise duct taped lines that had been incorporated into the carpet within the first week of residence move-in on campus.
The idiotic duo had ensured the lines were necessary, though whether anyone besides Law respected the boundaries that divided the room into four quadrants was arguable. The west side was a free for all and the only way out of the room, as it had the door to the hallway and the rest of the residence floor; the southern wall belonged to a certain fiery engineering student; Luffy occupied the eastern side (though his belongings were far ranging, as he had a habit of expanding in sudden bursts); and the north was strictly Law's territory and had the only window in the room to let in outside light. It was officially termed a triple person room, but Law was convinced that they had gotten the most cramped room in all the residence buildings on campus.
It sure felt that way, what with the fact that one of them alone had an ego big enough to fill the Room from floor to ceiling. Three of them with equally strong personalities…it was stifling, to put it mildly.
Law realized he had been lost in thought for a while when something glittered from the corner of his bed. He blinked and realized Luffy was sifting through his things again.
"Luffy, you asshole, what the fuck have I told you about not touching?!"
"Not to touch Eustass' not-really-but-kind-of-girlfriend, even when she hits me first?"
"No, I meant just touching my stuff! My property. It is mine, not yours. Therefore, you are not to touch."
Luffy looked down at the gleaming shards of polished metal in his hands. He tried one out on the air around him, dashing the blade in a wild arc. "I thought we weren't allowed weapons on school grounds unless they were locked up like my pal's swords."
"Those aren't fucking weapons, you moron, those marvelous things are scalpels," Law growled. He realized Luffy didn't know what exactly they were used for, evident in the way he tested one on a nearby empty potato chip bag like he was hacking up a piece of meat. "They're for my biology labs," Trafalgar elaborated, hoping Luffy would leave them be. This just made Luffy more interested in them. Law needed something better. "I cut up dead things chock-full of chemicals with those and they're probably radioactive and look! I think you're breaking out in a rash."
"Holy shit, where?!"
Luffy dropped the scalpel back into its case and Law went over and took it to shove under his bed. When they were safely away in hiding Law said calmly, "Never mind, I must have been mistaken. You have some weird sunburns from gym class."
He didn't know whether Luffy realized he'd been duped or not. Either way, Luffy didn't decide a beating was in order. He just finished his analysis of himself and went back to his own bed. Law straightened his black and white spotted blankets that more or less matched his cap and watched Luffy produce a hidden packet of beef jerky to gnaw on. Where had that meat come from? Luffy would forever baffle him.
"Ya never told me what you were doin'," Luffy said between chews of the salted beef.
"I have been…drafting plans for a revenge plot against one of my dumb professors who's full of hot gas and hates my guts for correcting him when he's lecturing…Professor Caesar Clown. He's been giving me shit marks because he doesn't like me, and I refuse to lay down and be given that sort of treatment without making his life fucking hell."
"Sounds like that could be complicated," Luffy said, nodding his head sagely. "And dangerous. And adventurous. And fun."
Law caught the gleam in Luffy's eyes. He needed to shut him down quickly before Luffy decided he wanted a part in it. They were not going to team up, at least not presently. "It's none of those things. It's a combination of physics, chemistry, and mathematics."
Luffy's cheery expression molded into one of complete horror. "I hate math. And all those other things."
"We all have our strengths. Yours is excessive physical activity."
Luffy nodded proudly. "Yep."
That was about the extent of it. How he had managed to get into the university Law did not know, but there were times when Luffy displayed a sudden brightness. Today there just weren't any of those times available.
Suddenly, Luffy leapt up from his bed and rushed to the door, shouting as he went and pulling on his sneakers in mid-step. "Oh! I have to go! I have a class for physical ed. next! Zoro and I gotta work together on something later too…so I won't be back soon. You remember Zoro, right?"
"…Was he the guy with the impressive projectile vomiting skills?"
Luffy blinked and pursed his lips, thinking back to the last party he'd managed to drag Law to. "No, that was another guy. Franky. And it wasn't vomit, it was just Cola because Zoro punched him in the back while he was drinking."
"Whatever. I couldn't tell the difference. But now I remember Zoro and his strange hair."
Luffy laughed loudly in that endearingly obnoxious way of his. "Okay, see you later, Traffy!"
"Goodbye," Law said, and he waited for the door to close behind Luffy before muttering, "Idiot Number One."
Idiot Number Two rarely stayed cooped up in the Room. He never studied, at least not in Law's presence, and Law quite preferred it that way. So when Eustass Kidd showed up in the Room in the middle of the day and placed his books meaningfully on the desk allocated to him, Law couldn't believe that he had actually shelled out the money for textbooks, let alone looked like he might use them today.
No, those books weren't going to be opened. He was just being silly and giving Kidd more credit than he deserved.
"So, how's Bonney?" Trafalgar asked casually as soon as Kidd looked up from removing his studded leather jacket to see Law and Luffy sitting on their respective beds, one with a book in front of his folded legs and another lounging with a bag of opened potato chips.
"Fuckin' hate that bitch." Eustass paused in unpacking his gym clothes, a sudden thought crossing his mind and making his eyebrowless forehead crinkle. Why he was eyebrowless…Law had yet to figure it out after several weeks. He had any number of theories, including Kidd secretly being so naturally blonde that the hairs on his face were not visible to the naked eye. Not that anyone got that close to Eustass Kidd with a magnifying glass to prove the theory right or wrong. Anyone getting that close to Kidd made good use of the mandatory fee all students paid to be able to access emergency services on campus.
Eustass Kidd's thoughtful face lasted a remarkable two minutes. Two minutes of Law waiting expectantly and Luffy eating about fifty potato chips in rapid succession. Finally, he said, "The make-up sex was good though."
"Oh, that's nice," was all Trafalgar said in return. Luffy didn't even comment. He was more preoccupied with retrieving crumbs off the floor of the eastern side of the room that were big enough to be salvaged. Luffy's motto, according to Trafalgar's numerous observations of his habits, was: 'waste not, want more still.'
Speaking of Luffy, he decided to speak up. "Hey, Kidd."
"Fluffy? Didn't see ya there."
Luffy stopped crunching away at his barbeque flavour delectables. "It's Luffy."
Law rolled his eyes, lay down on his back, and then rolled over on his bed to face the wall. He did not want to see the two get irritated with one another and decide to settle the semester-long debate of which of them was stronger and, heaven forbid, manlier.
Luckily, as he did not have a pair of earbuds to block out the sounds of punches connecting with flesh and bone, the name-calling that was supposed to 'de-masculinize' Luffy did not offend him enough to get physical.
"Kidd, I thought I would inform you there's radioactive shit in the room."
Law's back tensed while Kidd frowned, his normally wide grin reduced to a small frown. "What? What did you do?!"
"Never mind, Eustass. Luffy is mistaken."
"No, I'm not. Traffy's got chemically altered scallops."
He heard Kidd's characteristically rude snort. Whether it was him being disbelieving, impressed, or freaked out could not be determined.
"I have scalpels that I use in my biology labs, and they did have chemicals on them, but they have been washed since their use," Law explained, mostly to the wall. He didn't hear much after that and decided that Kidd was either going to cross the border into the north to harass him more or try to kick the living snot out of Luffy for kicks. 'Kicks for kicks,' that was what Law decided Kidd's motto would be.
He thought the kicking of ass to be more likely and flopped over on his other side to watch the spectacle that would ensue.
He did not expect to see Kidd sit down at his desk – which was littered with bizarre metal objects and mechanical tools of all kinds – and crack open a textbook. No, his eyes were deceiving him.
He rubbed furiously at them, seeing sparks of light. Nope, Kidd was definitely doing some weird shit over there. He watched in silence for a full five minutes before saying anything.
"What are you doing?" he demanded, sitting straight up. Always, he assumed the worst.
"Eating chips…I'm almost out, too. Damn. I can't wait until they open the cafeteria for dinner…I think I might take a run to the convenience store in the meantime. Want to come?"
Law rolled his eyes. "No, I wasn't talking to you, Luffy. I was talking to Eustass. And no, I don't want to come."
Kidd didn't even look up from his book as he answered smoothly. "Studyin'. Fuck off, prick."
Law snorted as his mind screamed a comeback concerning Kidd's aptitude for wearing lipstick that only he would hear: Fuck you, too, hooker.
"I'm simply surprised that you are studying," he said through clenched teeth. "You know, for the past few weeks I've been under the impression you came to this university to experience liver failure."
Eustass spun around slowly in his chair in a most menacing fashion, glaring at Law in a deliberately dangerous way that would make any normal student piss their pants. He held a pencil in his hand, and idly Law noticed that it seemed brand new. Then his idle thoughts continued and he wondered if Kidd would break it between his fingers, just to show his apparently manly strength off. "Oh? Now why would you say that, Trafalgar?"
The way his name was spat with such malice should have been enough to make Law roll over and face his north wall again but he couldn't just leave the conversation at a standstill. "Well, Eustass, it is common knowledge that your capacity for alcohol is unrivaled on this campus…and I heard tell of your recent alcohol poisoning."
"Must have been a myth because I'm fine," Kidd said flippantly, twirling his pen around his fingers.
"That was actually Zoro," Luffy supplied suddenly. "Sanji spiked his drink with ridiculously toxic crap because they hate each others' guts and do stuff like that to each other all the time when they're not just plain old kicking each other around."
Kidd snorted at Luffy's excessive explanation. "Fluffy knows best."
"Whatever. I'm just surprised you're actually sitting there, with a book, making love to its pages with your eyes."
He managed to make Kidd laugh, which was the nice way of saying that Kidd was currently cackling like the stereotypical villain of every Saturday morning cartoon. It was scary, but in a ridiculous way.
It also meant that Kidd was in a pretty jolly mood all things considering and less likely to try to kill him for making a rude comment at his expense. Trafalgar hypothesized that it was probably the fact that he'd fucked someone recently. His libido was down for the moment and thus he wasn't as disturbed as usual.
"You're a really funny prick sometimes," Kidd said when he stopped laughing. Then his face suddenly hardened and he glared at Trafalgar with renewed irritation. "But you're not that funny; you're more pretentious, sitting there thinking you're all that and then some. I bet you're not even that smart."
Was Kidd seriously calling his intelligence into question?
"Smarter than you."
"Not a chance," Kidd snapped, and the book he was reading for a very limited amount of time was also snapped shut. "Mr. Bleached Hair."
Law just smiled tightly and chose not to take the bait. He would fuck with Kidd later, somehow and in some way, for calling on his intelligence level. And for bringing up that…incident.
Kidd tossed his books back into his shoulder bag and stuffed his feet into his sneakers. Once again, he was going to leave them. Law liked to think it was his victory.
"Don't get alcohol poisoning!" Luffy called after him in all seriousness before he even opened the door. "They, like, pump out your stomach, and that's a real waste of food if you've already eaten."
Nobody said anything after that. Luffy sure knew how to silence the Room. Kidd scowled one last time at Law and left in a huff, slamming the door behind him. The hinges rattled. Likely they would have to pay for damages to the door in a few weeks. Maybe less at this rate.
Luffy dug around his bed and managed to locate his pillow under the tangle of blankets. He put it behind his head and leaned back against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest and looking surprisingly serious, save for the way his black hair stood up in the back.
"I thought he was gonna throttle you," Luffy admitted at length. "Why do make him mad like that if you don't want to outright fight the dude? I mean, I do it to Nami all the time for fun but at least she won't murder me. I think."
Perhaps today was a day Luffy would say something profound. It wasn't unheard of, but it was rare.
"He has challenged me, Luffy, and I always rise to challenges in a most spectacular fashion, as you well know."
Luffy blinked at him. "Are you still mad that he emptied your shampoo bottle and filled it with laundry bleach and messed up your hair and only one of your eyebrows?"
"Why the fuck would I still be mad about the goddamn–"
"You're still very mad," stated Luffy.
"That imbecile acts like such a child, just like his fucking surname. Honestly, he has no class, and I'm embarrassed his stupid joke managed to work because I let my guard down in the goddamn shower. He's the epitome of dumbness, Luffy. I consider you to have more redeeming qualities than that bastard. Hell, you're probably smarter than him."
Luffy's mouth dropped open. "B-but he's in mechanical engineering! That stuff's nasty!"
Law scoffed. "I honestly don't know how he managed that. He probably beat some kid up and stole a stellar admissions letter to submit, then barely edged by with his mediocre marks. Then again, it's about the only thing that he's good at. But I think I could still be better at it, should I choose to pursue engineering."
Luffy gave him a confused look. "I thought you were gonna do medical school and cut people open to poke at their insides?"
"I am. Doesn't mean I can't be a polymath in the future."
"A poly-what? That sounds like…well it reminds me of that talking phoenix bird thing. You know, Polly want a cracker? Our math teacher's pet, remember? I hate math. Polymath."
Trafalgar rolled his eyes. "A polymath is exceptional in many areas. The great Da Vinci was a polymath."
"I thought he was a painter?"
"Never mind, Luffy, you're thinking too hard. I don't want your brain to burst open because I don't have any cleaning supplies left after the…incident." Luffy shrugged. "The plain and simple fact is that I'm going to make Kidd look like a fool or at the very least cause him some pain…somehow. It shouldn't be terribly hard to get a few laughs."
"Huh," Luffy mumbled. He leaned over the side of his bed and reached under. Law didn't have to look to know that Luffy was grabbing something from his not-so-secret store of food. "Oh, yeah, and Law?"
"What does pretentious mean?"
"Never mind. Let's get dinner."
Law lay on his bed, feeling smug. His plan had gone exceptionally well even by his high standards. The chemistry lab had to be cancelled for the day because of a stink bomb going off in Caesar Clown's classroom.
He had planted it in the man's bags before he'd entered the laboratory in his usual white lab coat. They had been walking down the hall in a crowd of people, and Law had elbowed his way next to the professor. The idiot never knew what hit his class. Or his face for that matter.
There were no fingerprints, no evidence to link him to the Great Stink, which was what it had been named by the students who'd been in the building at the time of detonation. Following the Great Stink was Slimey, as that was what everyone who got stuck in the goo nicknamed the ooze that surged forth, and that had been something to see from his safe roost outside the classroom window.
Of course, only the chemistry students had been present to see Clown's bags ooze colossal amounts of green slime. It was a curious reaction that one, a reaction that Law had spent several nights experimenting with before perfecting.
Casaer Clown was out of action for a few days. With all luck he would quit.
Law was content knowing that. In fact he was so content that not even Eustass bursting into the Room suddenly fazed him. Kidd took one look at Law lying splayed out on his bed with the silliest happy-go-lucky expression on his face and furrowed his nonexistent brow.
"What the hell's got you smiling like that?" Kidd smirked, a brilliant explanation hitting him in the face like one of Jewellery Bonney's slaps. "Finally fuck Tashigi, the girl in that fencing club you're in?"
Law didn't even miss a beat. "Tashigi? Oh yes, I fucked her on your bed a few minutes ago actually. The condom's in your garbage can. Didn't you see her leaving?"
He watched Kidd combust, his face turning the colour of his hair, which was the same colour as the Coke can he held in his hand. The Coke can was soon crushed, and Law sighed. Kidd was going to blow a gasket.
"You fuckin' pri–"
"I didn't fuck Tashigi! I don't even talk to that chick! Holy crap, how are you so easily fooled?"
Kidd threw the crushed aluminum can at his head. It bounced off the wall behind Law and he instinctively pounced on it and pitched it in the garbage can nearby. He could not stand a mess, especially in his territory.
"You're an asshole, Trafalgar. You need to give me ten good reasons why I shouldn't beat you within an inch of your fucking life."
"Just ten reasons?"
Kidd's lip curled.
"Well, reason number one…the university would lose a very bright student; number two, there would be blood all over the Room; number three, I doubt you know how large an inch is even though it's probably the size of your dick; number four–"
"You can shut the hell up now, your reasons suck balls," Kidd growled.
"Who's currently sucking balls?" Law asked.
Luffy chose that moment to come catapulting in with the Straw Hat bunch. Of course, only one of the nine members was actually wearing a straw hat. That was Luffy, oh cpurse.
"Holy guacamole! They were serving that in the cafeteria today… Anyway, did you guys hear about the Great Stink? It was sweet."
Kidd snorted and eyed up the wall of people behind Luffy, probably silently praying that they wouldn't try to squeeze themselves into the Room. Law was praying that, too. For once he was sure he and Kidd would agree on something: the Straw Hat bunch were not allowed past the threshold to do unspeakable amounts of damage to the Room.
He knew what would guarantee that the Staw Hats would not enter this already crowed space. He shouted it at the top of his lungs.
"Only Nami's allowed in because she's hot!"
A blond man reacted instantaneously from the back of the crowd in the hallway. "Are you that pervert that's been hitting on Nami?! Hell no, she's not going in here!"
"He's no more of a pervert than you," said a green-haired man with bulging biceps. Trafalgar quite liked seeing Zoro around. Every time he saw the guy's green hair it made him laugh, so his presence was uplifting.
"Fuck you, Zoro! Go mow the lawn on the top of your head!"
"Calm down, boys!" That was Nami's voice, loud and clear.
With that, the Straw Hat bunch took off in a flurry of action, though a little brown-skinned, brown-haired, brown-just-about-everything boy waved shyly at Law. He had bright blue eyes and a rather odd thing going on with his nose, which was perpetually cold and looked rather blue in the right light. Law saw his nose change on a daily basis, sometimes looking just as blue as his eyes. They had much of the same classes together and were planning on pursuing the same graduate studies.
Law didn't mind Chopper. He'd invite the guy in if he weren't so sure Eustass would take one look at him and decide to punt his ass down the hall for hoots. Currently Kidd was kicking the door closed without really paying attention to who was still present and returning just as blindly to his bed, but not without fixing Law with a hard stare.
"Where were we?" he asked with a slightly tamer frown than before.
"Well, I do believe there was some ball suckling going on."
Kidd shook his head, momentarily disgusted. "Whatever. Who the hell would set off a stink bomb? That has to be the most juvenile thing I've heard of yet."
Law bristled. "I thought it was pretty cool, all things considering. Certainly gave people a break from the asshole professor teaching that class."
Kidd grunted and shrugged his massive shoulders. "Whatever. It was still lame."
"Whatever. It's not as lame as you filling my shampoo bottle with bleach. Now that's juvenile."
"Stink bomb's still lamer."
"You're just jealous there's someone out there more ingenious than you able to create an explosion with a chemical composition so sophisticated that it just stinks rather than causing any real harm to the body." Trafalgar Law was seriously going to hurt Kidd. He was just going to figure out how to do it in an artful manner. More artful than the stink bomb which, he was beginning to believe, actually was slightly lame.
Okay, it was lame.
"Whatever. I've got better things to do than argue with you."
Kidd slipped out the door before too long, giving him some quiet time alone to pick his brain for a solution to this conundrum.
Two nights later, Trafalgar Law was practically gifted with an evil plan that would inflict untold horrors.
"What…what the hell is that, Luffy?"
"It's a hamster. Or a gerbil. I don't know, I bought it for fifty cents and the guy didn't really tell me. It was in a cage and I thought maybe I'd bring it here and give it a home."
"Luffy…that's a goddamn squirrel."
Luffy took a closer look. In his eyes it was simply some small, brown creature. From what he could see it had a head, a body, and four legs. Too tiny to make a meal out of. "No it's not. Those things have tails!"
Law bit his bottom lip. Should he or shouldn't he? He decided it was best to go with the truth. "Um, I think his tail was docked?"
Luffy looked up at him, away from the frenzied animal doing laps around its current home. It was, oddly enough, not making any noise apart from the occasional scrapping of its claws on the bottom of its cage. It seemed as though it was mute as well, but Law had yet to confirm this.
"Eh?" Luffy squinted at him.
"His tail got cut off," Trafalgar explained bluntly enough to push his words through Luffy's thick skull.
Luffy's eyebrows raised just a fraction. Then he looked back down at the tiny creature racing in circles within the confines of the mesh cage. "So it's nota gerbil or a hamster! Oh well, he's still awesome. Look at him go! This guy's gonna be the mascot for Zoro's and my project that we have to do for our outdoor recreation class."
Images of the squirrel escaping its cage and assaulting him in his sleep filled Law's mind. No. There was no way in hell Luffy was keeping that thing. And in the Room to boot! He told the boy as much.
"Aw, Law you're such a party pooper! Jeez, look at him! He's even cute. Cuter than your dog at home."
Law bristled. How dare Luffy make that comparison! "Bepo is much cuter than a squirrel with its tail chopped off."
"I'm going to call him Nuts. Squirrels eat nuts, right? Of course they do."
Law's mouth dropped open. The idiocy never ended. "Don't name it! You'll get attached to it!"
"Nuts is mine and you can't touch my stuff."
Law felt his temper flare for a second before his logical reasoning took over. The squirrel was apparently a mute. The squirrel was a wild creature with a nutty name. Somehow, in some way, his diabolical mind had already conjured up a use for this tailless squirrel.
"You can keep him on one condition," Law started, and instantly Luffy's hostile expression turned to one of joy and willingness. "Nuts will stay under your bed, where he is not to be seen, and you will not tell Kidd about him."
Luffy gave him a confused look. "Not tell Kidd? Why?"
"Well, Luffy, I didn't want to tell you this, but Kidd hates animals."
Luffy gasped. This revelation shocked him to the core. "What? But animals are so cool!"
"I know," Law said with a barely repressed smirk. Oh the things that he could tell Luffy. "But he hates them and he'll never change. He would murder kittens if you left them in his care. Trust me, it has happened." Another gasp. "He is that level of evil. So don't tell him about Nuts, because he will kill your pet, cook the carcass, and feed it to the Bonney babe."
Luffy nodded to show he'd understood and went about tucking Nuts under his bed. "You won't tell Kidd though, right?"
"Oh Luffy, I would never do that to you."
"You're awesome, Law," Luffy said, his grin wide.
Law left to attend class, his mind carefully plotting the events that he would make sure unfolded under the cloak of darkness tonight.
It was rare that the three of them ever went to bed before 1am. In fact, it was unheard of. Yet tonight Law found himself listening to the snores of his roommates. Luffy snored like a pig, which was somehow incredibly fitting, and Law fancied Eustass snored like the thick-headed bull that he so clearly was.
He rolled out of bed at around 1:30 and crept into Luffy's territory. He took about one step across the duct tape into the Room's eastern hemisphere and had to turn back out of revulsion. He needed socks. The floor over there was riddled with crumbs and whatever else had accumulated; Law didn't really want to know.
He tried again with socks, the only noise he made being the occasional crinkling of the plastic wrappers that littered the ground. Eventually he found the edge of Luffy's bed and reached under, locating Nuts' cage. He pulled it out and held it up to the light coming in from his window, as there was a lamp post right outside it shining all night long. Nuts was as silent as ever. Despite being silent, he could see that Nuts was still alive. His little beady eyes were staring at him, gleaming in the faint light inside the Room.
"Hello, little guy," Law whispered. He took the cage over to the Room's only window and peered in. There were a few scats littering the bottom of the cage but no nuts. Luffy had poured some trail mix into the cage before Kidd got back, and Law was pleased to see that thanks to him setting a ration for Luffy the squirrel was still quite hungry. It was evident in the way its little teeth were gnawing on a piece of newspaper that had been set down on the bottom of the cage by its original owner.
He set the cage down on the floor and located the bag of trail mix. Then came the tricky part.
He tip-toed his way into Eustass' territory, coming up alongside the bed. He stared down at the bulk that was Eustass-Half-Naked-Kidd, trying to figure out where the ideal location for the trail mix would be. Kidd was violent conscious and unconscious and had kicked his blanket off of his body as he did every night, which left much of him exposed.
Law couldn't help himself. He grabbed his stomach and keeled over, trying not to laugh. Oh he knew exactly where he was going to put some peanuts and almonds.
His first target was Kidd's bright red boxers.
The thing about being a future medical student was that anatomy did not concern Law as it did most of the human population. He had no problem lifting up the waistband of Kidd's boxers and gently nudging peanuts, sunflower seeds and other foodstuffs into the cavernous black hole. They aligned just where he wanted them. On and around the target. Perfect.
Then, for good measure, Law took two peanuts from the mix and stuffed them up Kidd's nostrils until they wouldn't travel upwards any further. His breathing changed just slightly and his mouth cracked open in response to the clogging of his nose.
Oh, he was such a devious child.
With his stationary variables in place, Law moved back to the most volatile variable of his experiment: Nuts.
He gathered the cage up and placed it next to Kidd's stomach. A few seconds passed with little change in Nuts' behaviour; the rodent simply continued to run relatively silent laps around the cage. Then all of a sudden Nuts stopped. Motionless except for its nose, which was twitching violently.
Then the rodent was pressed up against the side of the cage, snuffling in the general direction of Kidd's boxers.
Law opened the other side of the cage and turned it around so that the door was facing Kidd while the rodent was on the other side, not paying him much mind. Then he snuck back to the north side of the Room and climbed into bed.
Thankfully, he had placed Shachi's video camera on his desk, which was in reach of his nimble fingers. He turned it on, remembering how Shachi had made him promise to get some good footage.
It was several minutes before anything of note happened. Several long minutes in which Law repeatedly rose half out of bed to try to figure out what was taking Nuts so long to do his part. Then, at long last, something did happen that made everything well worth the preparation.
Saying Kidd screamed like an arachnophobic woman encountering a spider would be a gross injustice to women everywhere, so he settled on thinking of Kidd's howling as something a Neanderthal would have produced in the midst of battle instead. Only the roaring grew progressively shriller to the point where Luffy, who could sleep through hurricane winds and thunderclaps with the greatest ease, actually woke up.
It was Law who turned on the first light to expose Kidd in his undies.
Oh sweet fluffy kittens was it ever a beautiful sight to behold. So glorious was it that Law was momentarily rendered speechless. Then, naturally, he began to laugh. For Kidd jumping around spasmodically, occasionally grabbing his junk, was too much for Trafalgar to keep a straight face at.
"Fucking –what is that? Fuck – I can't even –Luffy?!"
Luffy had spontaneously sprung from his bed, which caught Law off-guard until he realized that that was the way Luffy kind of did things. He sprung. Right into the action. Like a rubber band wrapped around one's index finger and thumb and then launched at someone. That was what Eustass experienced. Luffy, rocketing into him at top speed.
Law realized why this was so when he saw Nuts for the first time since entering Kidd's undies minutes ago. Nuts, currently, was trying to seek refuge in Kidd's abundant bush on the top of his head. And Luffy, currently, had his legs wrapped around Kidd's torso and was reaching up towards the red bush to get to his beloved pet.
"No! 'Stass! You're not allowed to touch my Nuts! It's mine and you're not allowed to touch my junk like I'm not allowed to touch Traffy's junk!"
For a second Law froze, and not a sound passed from his lips. So Luffy had learned one of the fundamental lessons of the Room after all. To not touch what did not belong to him.
"What?! I'm not gay, Luffy!"
Luffy, at this point, was clearly not listening. "You can't touch my stuff! Therefore you can't touch my Nuts!"
Alas, he was too late for Nuts. With a fierce cry that Trafalgar could only describe as barbarous, Eustass seized the munchkin and hurtled it across the room in no particular set direction. Trafalgar's mouth dropped when the tiny creature smacked the wall just beside Luffy's bed. Amazingly the squirrel recovered upon landing on the ground and, though it waddled to the left in a daze, ran right under Luffy's bed frame.
"I wouldn't want to touch your nuts!" Kidd screamed, trying to untangle himself from Luffy's ridiculously elastic arm hold of doom. "There's a fucking rat in here! Trafalgar! Get it! Get it, get it, get it!"
Law blinked slowly like he had just woken up, but internally he was enjoying himself more than a kid at an amusement park. Kidd was in hysterics. It was like nothing he'd ever seen before. "What, do I look like a cat to you?"
"No, you look like a goddamn raccoon, now catch the fucking rat and kill it!"
Luffy, at this point, had let go of Kidd to search for his pet. Kidd, freed, was cowering (though he would later deny this) on top of his own bed on the furthest corner away from Luffy's bed.
"He's not a rat, he's a squirrel," Luffy informed his distraught roommate with his rear end in the air and his head stuffed under his bed where Nuts had disappeared from sight. "And you can't kill him!"
"That rodent was fucking gnawing on my balls!" Kidd howled, setting Law off once more and causing Kidd to turn on him. "Stop fucking laughing Law! Make yourself fucking useful for once!"
Law just waved him off, unable to make an intelligible and witty retort when he was so breathless from laughing like a complete madman.
Then he saw something fall from Kidd's nose, which would have been odd had Trafalgar not recalled that he did in fact stuff peanuts up his roommate's nose.
Shit. Evidence, was all he thought as Kidd snorted out the other peanut and looked at it with renewed horror.
He knows! Law thought as he worked to keep his face from showing his fear. Kidd was going to beat the shit out of him. Goddamn.
"What the hell is this?" Kidd howled, looking right at Law as he held out the peanut between his index finger and thumb. The bull was clearly seeing red in front of him, even though Law's night clothes were just as black as his heart.
A sudden brilliance came to Law. "Squirrels hid things for the winter. Like, store things. To eat later. And it's fall right now, soon to be winter."
The rage fell momentarily from Kidd's face as he was dumbfounded into silence. Meanwhile Luffy stuck his head out from under his bed to laugh hysterically and ask his dear roommate and future medical student if Nuts had really thought Kidd was a tree with holes in it.
Law replied that yes, that was probably what the squirrel thought. And then, for good measure, he turned in all seriousness to Kidd and said, "You should check your asshole, too. You know, just in case."
If it weren't for the fact that Nuts was still loose in the room, Trafalgar had a feeling he would have lost all his teeth and received numerous life-threatening injuries. As was his good fortune, Kidd still would not come down from his perch, and so Trafalgar bid Luffy good luck on his hunt, grabbed the video camera off of his desk, and bolted from the Room with the pride of knowing he had thoroughly bested Kidd. After all, the video camera had given it all away.
He'd won. For now.
A.N.: I don't know why I wrote this, or even why there's a squirrel in it. I didn't plan for it… Hell, I don't plan anything. It just happens.
Anyways, fans of Forbidden Fruits might notice tiny overlaps; I do this for my own shits and giggles. There are no relationships in this thing besides the weird Kidd and Bonney fling of doom going on; it's just for laughs. I just wanted to write a tiny portion of what Kidd, Law and Luffy's lives would be like if they got stuck in the same room in residence at a random unnamed university. The idea probably sprung from the fact that I'm currently in residence at a university.
That is all.