I felt like writing something stupid/funny, so I totally failed the Mutated Cat challenge :P

714 - face of a Twoleg (936 words)


Facekit was sad. His head was horribly mutated. While other cats, like Brokenface, had beautiful muzzles and eyes and noses and mouths, he had a horribly small, squished face of a Twoleg. At least his head fit the size of his body, and at least he had cat ears. But his eyesight was horrible, and he couldn't smell anything at all with his sad excuse for a lump of a nose.

He hated his life.

Facekit was sad. He was sad because his head and face were horribly mutated. Glimmerkit, Sparkkit, and Killerkitthesecond always laughed at him whenever he went outside, and the rest of ThunderClan tried to avoid him. Even Freakyflower, a cat with no you-know-whats, who was also a tom, who still somehow managed to give birth to a kit (Facekit), hated him. And he was Facekit's own mother! Or father, whatever. Facekit wasn't entirely sure.

Facekit sighed and burrowed deeper into the moss. Maybe I can suffocate myself! he thought gleefully. But wait, then StarClan would shun me, and then I'd go to the Dark Forest, where my other father/mother/something, Killerkitthefirst (formerly known as Killerkit), went, and then I'd just kill myself, and then I'd die. That's so sad! he thought. I don't want to die. I want to eat the moon!

Someone sighed nearby. "Bananas and jellybeans totally don't go together," a she-cat's voice said. Obviously, it was Fatsquirrel, a thin, lithe she-cat who had twenty-nine kits to date and fifteen mates, all of whom were related to her in some way. She was standing outside the nursery entrance. Facekit burrowed deeper into the moss in the corner of the den, cursing his giant nose with its enormous nostrils that prevented him from asphyxiating.

"I know, right? And did you see ThunderClanstar's new outfit? He looks like a total Twoleg!" the rough voice of Xylophonemaniac, Fatsquirrel's brother and latest mate, replied. "Of course, that's what he gets for having siblings as parents. Total genetic overkill, plus his brain's addled."

"Cats don't know what brains are! You're so stupid!" Fatsquirrel snapped. "And stop insulting me! We're not mates anymore! Go die!" Facekit winced as he heard the sound of claws tearing into flesh. Fatsquirrel was killing her fifteenth mate! That made sixteen deaths, including herself. Of course, when she was a StarClan cat, she found the power of immortality and brought herself back to life so that she could expand ThunderClan's population.

"STOP KILLING YOUR MATES, YOU DUMB, STUPID FOXHEART!" someone yowled. It was ShadowClanstar! She was the leader of ShadowClan, and she killed 128 cats to date, which was 6 times how many cats Fatsquirrel killed! ShadowClanstar was a total celebrity in ThunderClan, feared and admired for her kills. Facekit abruptly stopped trying to suffocate himself and ran outside to see the giant moose standing in the middle of the ThunderClan camp.

Already, the 128 (formerly 129) members of ThunderClan (not including ThunderClanstar, who wasn't included in the member count anyways because he was stupid) were crowding around the giant moose named ShadowClanstar, begging for hoofprints as autographs. They were waving around bank checks and cash stolen from RiverClanstar, the business executive who was also the leader of RiverClan who was also a magnolia.

Facekit decided to talk for the first time in his life. "HEY, SHADOWCLANSTAR!" he shouted. "CAN YOU PLEASE KILL EVERYONE IN THUNDERCLAN? THEY'RE ALL SO STUPID AND KILLERKITTHESECOND WANTS TO KILL ME BECAUSE I HAVE THE FACE OF A TWOLEG! AND PLEASE KILL THUNDERCLANSTAR ESPECIALLY BECAUSE HE'S A MONKEY AND MONKEYS FREAK ME OUT!"

"OF COURSE!" ShadowClanstar mooed. She made two giant sweeps of her antlers and jumped around a couple times for good measure. The next second, her killing cat total rose from 128 to 256. Then, she stepped on the leader's den, killing ThunderClanstar the monkey instantly, so now her killing cat total was 257. Facekit was more impressed than ever.

"Hey, ShadowClanstar! Can you take me with you? I want to be super brave and powerful like you!" Facekit begged, batting his abnormally long eyelashes and puckering his fat, puffy red lips. (Cats don't even have lips, anyways, he thought angrily.)

"Actually, I was going to kill myself, because my conscience suddenly caught up with me and I have PTSD and lots of trauma from the deaths of the cats I have killed," ShadowClanstar explained. "So I'm going to go Antarctica, even though moose can't fly, and burn to death. Do you still want to come with me?"

Facekit thought about it for a moment. "Nah," he said finally. "I think I"ll just go build a nuclear bomb."

"Okay, have fun!" ShadowClanstar boomed. Then, she grew giant airplane wings and flew away.

Facekit sighed. "Okay, how do I build a nuclear bomb?" he asked himself. "Oh, I know! I'll turn into a Twoleg and become smart." He did just that. "Okay, now I'm going to build a nuclear bomb." He built a nuclear bomb. "Okay, now I'm going to detonate it." He did that, too. "Okay, now I'm going to find my brain!" Facekit looked around, but he couldn't find his brain anywhere in the mushroom cloud that had gone up when he'd detonated his bomb. "Fine, be that way, brain. I don't need you." Then his cat side took over, and Facekit turned back into a mutated cat and killed himself.

The end!