Saw you in the front row
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.
A/N: So wow, I just finished "Twist and Shout" last night, so I figured a good way to pull myself out of the pit of despair would be to write some Destiel, this chapter contains a bit of an upsetting scene, hope you enjoy x
Chapter 2: Fire
It had been four days since Cas and Balthazar had gone to see "Wayward Son's" and Cas's hype for them had died down considerably. He remembered when he and Balthazar were driving home, he'd promised himself he would listen to all of their albums and hear every word Dean Winchester had to say, but after a while, his euphoria had faded and he became caught up in his busy life once again.
If Cas remembered anything about the concert, he remembered the way Dean Winchester had absolutely dripped of sex, and how alive Balthazar had seemed, how much he'd had fun in the moment but as soon as he stepped back into reality it ended, rock had been Cas's one night stand and now he'd forgotten it again.
"Hey, Cassy!" Cas heard a familiar voice call out as he sat in the living room doing homework, a smile spread across his face as he dropped his pen and stood to greet his brother as he walked into the room.
"Gabriel!" Said Cas happily as his big brother enveloped him in a hug.
"Hey brother." Gabriel replied, grinning ear to ear as he let Castiel go.
"Where's Balthazar?" Asked Gabriel, taking a seat next to Cas on the couch. "Out playing with his band." Cas replied lightly, hoping Gabriel wouldn't drag the subject out any further, but of course he did.
"Since when did Balthazar have a band?" He asked.
Cas shrugged slightly. "It's not really official, they just get together and play. It's nice he has a hobby."
"If it's so nice, why do you look extremely pissed off?"
Cas almost had to fight off a little smile, if their was one person who could always see straight through him it was Gabriel.
"He just spends a lot of time with his friends." Cas admitted, placing his pen down once more.
"Aw, does Cassy feel unloved?" Gabriel mocked playfully.
Cas punched Gabriel's arm lightly and laughed. "No!" He said defensively, "but, I don't have college today so we were going to spend the day together, you 'no, lunch, movie, all that, but he cancelled last minute to play with the band."
"You 'no, it surprises me." Began Gabriel, leaning his head on his hand.
"What?" Asked Cas.
"Why you're with Balthazar," Gabriel clarified, "I mean you're both completely different people, you like different things."
"Yeah, but I like Balthazar." Said Cas.
"You like Balthazar, you don't love Balthazar."
Cas rolled his eyes and shifted uncomfortably. "Do we have to talk about this again?" He asked.
"I just worry about you," said Gabriel, "I don't want you to feel obligated to settle down with Balthazar just because he loves you."
"Who said I was settling down with anyone?" Began Cas, almost defensively, "besides, he's a good guy, I'm lucky to have him."
Gabriel didn't blink for a few moments. "You can't tell me you're not seeing the cracks in your relationship?"
Cas sighed. "Did you only come here because you wanted to give me relationship advice?"
Gabriel chuckled slightly and proceeded to pull an imaginary zip over his lips. "Okay, boyfriend talk over. It's occurred to me that I'm bored, and you're now bored. Why don't we hit the movies?"
Dean Winchester picked up the pen again but he couldn't focus on the words he was writing on the page, he raked a violent line across the page with the nib of his pen and the paper proceeded to rip down the middle. Dean stared down at the partially ripped paper and black scribbles where he'd scored out every word and growled in annoyance. Sam looked up from his book and stared worryingly at his brother.
"Dude..." Asked Sam, sounding concerned. "What's wrong?"
"Just this new damn song," Dean began, "I can't think of anything."
"The album's not out for months, Dean." Sam reminded his brother again.
"I know." Dean admitted, "I've just never been blocked like this before, it's weird." Dean ran his hand through his short hair, the rest of the band were up late in the hotel room getting roaring drunk, but Dean was exhausted.
"Maybe you're just blinded by your boyfriend." Benny mocked, walking past while Sam snickered.
"Will you shut the fuck up?" Dean said for probably the millionth time in four days. "I said he was hot. That was all."
"Seriously, though. When was the last time you got laid, buddy?" Asked Ash, even though he was already mildly drunk he still seemed like he was genuinely concerned.
"It's just hard." Dean admitted softly.
"Yeah, we know." Sam replied earnestly, and he and the rest of the band fell silent for a minute.
Dean was the only member of the band who was gay. He'd told Sam when they were kids and, with some coaxing from his brother, came out to the rest of the band. Bobby, their band manager and surrogate father to Sam and Dean, made it perfectly clear that they were not going to kick Dean out of the band for it, and Benny and Ash had whole-heartedly excepted their friends sexually.
Dean had to be in the closet in the media, though. He had a bad boy reputation within the band, if "Wayward Son's" fans found out that their idol was gay...they'd lose half of their fan base, easily. Sales would drop, they'd be done.
Dean couldn't do that to them, and he was okay with it, for the most part, but it made looking for a relationship damn hard.
Dean had pretty much given up looking for anything, the guy he'd seen at the concert in Illinois was the first guy he'd looked at in ages.
"You should have at least got his number or something." Said Benny in his southern drawl, like it was obvious.
Dean sighed to himself, mind being drawn back to the concert.
Dean had seen him in the front row, he was young and had a shock dark hair that fell into his eyes that were so damn blue, and so alive...Dean had been instantly attracted to him, kept his eyes on him the whole time, actually.
Dean picked his pen up again and fished around for another piece of paper.
Your soul was sharp as fire
but your eyes were blue as ice
I saw you in the front row
you made my head turn twice...
Cas thrashed around in bed, sweat making his hair cling to his face and small, whimpering cries echoed around the bedroom.
Inside his head, all Cas could see was him, looming over him, knife in hand...
you little faggot...gonna die...gonna kill you
Cas had screamed, he had screamed so loud but no one had come, and when he felt that cool metal...
Cas sat bolt upright, pulled mercifully from his nightmare. He didn't scream, he hadn't screamed in years. He just sat, breathing heavily, staring at the wall.
The room was dark, the air was cold and everything was still.
It took Cas a few moments to fully accept where he was, that nothing was going to happen to him and he was safe in bed. He turned his head slowly and caught sight of the still sleeping Balthazar and his eyes stayed there for a long time.
Balthazar, knowing he was there, that grounded Cas, always had. It reminded him that he was in the present and not stuck in the past.
It reminded him that what had happened to him years ago was not happening again.
Cas never expected any form of comfort from Balthazar, he didn't like thinking about people being bashed much less deal with the fact that his boyfriend had been through it, but his mere presence, conscious or not, always helped Cas through, he served his purpose.
Slowly, ever so slowly, almost like he was afraid of breaking himself all over again, Cas lowered himself back onto the bed, laying his head on the pillow. He breathed in and out slowly, just like the therapist had taught him.
Part of him was exhausted, but another part of him didn't want to go back to sleep. He didn't want to see his face again.
Cas rubbed his eyes and wasn't surprised at the wetness he found on his cheeks. He didn't know why he still dreamt about it, why it still effected him this way.
Part of him really wanted to talk about it, but another part of him didn't want Balthazar to know anything. Cas knew he couldn't cope with Balthazar mocking him for the one thing that had nearly destroyed him.
Cas slowly slipped from the covers so he wouldn't wake Balthazar, he glanced at the "Wayward Son's" poster and his mind was momentarily drawn back to Dean Winchester and how beautiful he was and he smiled slightly.
That's it, he thought to himself, distractions.
Cas walked sleepily to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, sighing as the cooling liquid slid down his throat. Cas held the cold glass to his forehead to try and cool himself down. He closed his eyes and breathed in slowly.
It was times like this, looking around the dark apartment, that Cas never felt more alone. He didn't feel like he could wake Balthazar up or text his brother.
It was times like this that Cas wished he'd mastered escapism.
Escapism. Dean thought scathingly as he tried to hold an incredibly drunken Ash up on two feet. Ash marvelled in being able to escape reality. Dean never kidded himself that drugs and booze was what it meant to be a rock star, and neither did Ash, really.
He'd been like this ever since he'd lost his Mom, Ellen and sister, Jo to an explosion. It' s how Ash had met Dean, Dean had gone to school with Jo so he'd been at the funeral. Dean couldn't shake how wrecked Ash looked, it just reminded him how he'd been when his Mom died. They'd ended up talking a bit and when Dean found out Ash was a drummer he invited him to come and gig with him and his brother, as a sort of distraction from his family, then "Wayward Son's" had been born, it seemed an apt name because everyone in the band was there for some fucked up reason.
Ash's alcoholism had never changed, though, and Dean never called him out on it. Dean channelled through his music, Ash channelled through his drink, Dean couldn't argue.
Although it was time's like this that he wished he had, times when he had to carry a drunken Ash home after a night of partying.
"Dean..." Ash slurred as Dean deposited him into the back of his '67 Chevy Impala, silently praying he wouldn't throw up in it.
"Yeah?" Asked Dean, not really paying attention as he got into the drivers seat of his baby.
"You're...th..best, you know that?" Ash hiccuped.
"Yeah, I know." Dean replied. Dean listened half-heartedly as Ash babbled for the duration of the ride. When Dean finally got him to the front door of his house it was 5am.
"You gonna be alright from here, buddy?" He asked, concerned.
Ash nodded, eyes half-closed.
"Yep, not an invalid."
Dean made his way back to the Impala but he didn't drive off immediately, he sat in the drivers seat fiddling with his amulet and watching Ash fumbling with his house keys.
Ash was too proud to except help, but Dean wanted to at least make sure he was alright before he left.
Ten minutes later, Ash had successfully opened the front door and walked inside, closing it behind him. Dean was about to drive off before his phone buzzed. He opened the text from Sam.
Can't sleep. Wanna come over?
Dean shrugged to himself and drove in the direction of his brother, Sam and Dean could spend any amount of time with each other and never get tired of each others company. They were basically best friends.
Some people called it co-dependency.
Some people knew shit.
Cas came back from college to find Balthazar sat on the couch, gawping at the newspaper. His brow furrowed as he went to sit by his boyfriend. "Bal?" Asked Cas, concerned, "what's wrong?"
Balthazar angled the paper so Cas could read the headline.
WAYWARD SON'S DRUMMER DIES IN HOUSE FIRE
"What?" Asked Cas, unable to process for a moment, picturing the long haired drummer he'd seen only days ago in his mind.
"What happened?" He asked.
"Faulty pilot light." Said Balthazar simply, looking dazed.
"Are you alright?" Asked Cas, running a hand through his boyfriends hair.
"Does this mean "Wayward Son's" are finished?" Asked Balthazar, half-rhetorically.
"No, baby." Cas answered comfortingly, still stroking through Balthazar's hair. "I'm sure they'll find a replacement drummer."
Cas smiled slightly, trying to cheer Balthazar up. "Maybe even you could do it." He joked.
Balthazar looked up at Cas. "Do you really mean that?" He asked.
Cas smiled and nodded. "Of course I do." He said reassuringly.
Balthazar then stood up suddenly, a look of glee in his face. "I'm gonna google it, see if they're holding auditions."
Cas gaped momentarily at Balthazar. "Bal, I was joking, listen..."
"No, but you're right!" Balthazar interrupted, looking like a kid in a candy store. "I could actually make this!" He said excitedly, before leaving the room.
Cas sighed to himself before flopping down onto the sofa, making a mental note never to joke around Balthazar again.