Chapter 5 Tales of Tortallans

A/N Hey people! I haven't updated this since about August so I thought it might be nice to actually put up a new chapter. Aren't I just the greatest? Yea yea I know I am. You don't have to tell me. I wrote this chapter with my cousin Issa again and I have changed my nickname from Lady Kel of Queenscove to Mistress Moony, and Lady Lily is now known simply as Becca.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and myself. Becca and Issa own themselves and their pets. Any characters you recognize belong to Tamora Pierce and J.R.R Tolkien.

Chapter 5~~ Stupid crazy people, and the other people who hate them

Disembodied Voice: Welcome to today's episode of Tales of Tortallans, with our hostesses Mistress Moony (Ashlee), Issa, and Becca. It seems like they have had their midlife crises early, and have decided to change their names.

Unknown crewmember: *unsure of what to do *

Issa: * glares at DV *

Ashlee: * throws a shoe * You little son of a-

Becca: * finishes Ashlee's sentence * Disembodied lady!!!!

Unknown crewmember: * holds up Clap sign *

*Issa, Ashlee, and Becca walk out on stage *

Issa: Welcome to today's show of Tales of Tortallans.

Ashlee: This episode is called Stupid crazy people and the other people who hate them!

Becca: Lets have our first guest come out.

*Roger walks on stage holding a cucumber *

Issa: What the hell is up with the cucumber?

Ashlee: * runs over to Roger and grabs the cucumber * Yes!!!! I've been looking for more cucumber slices to put on my eyes!!! * Does a happy dance *

Roger: Noooooo!!! Not Hewey!!! Please! Stop!!!

Alanna: * comes out onto the stage *

Becca: This is Roger the stupid crazy person. Here we have Alanna, the person who hates him.

Ashlee: Can I borrow your sword for a minute?

Alanna: Sure.

Ashlee: * chops up cucumber and places two slices on eyes *Aah. How relaxing. Ohhmmmmm. Ohhmmmmm. * Realizes she is on TV * Hehe. Well that was a demonstration of how to.. Umm.. Slice up cucumbers with a sword and place them on your eyes. Er, Issa, take over for a minute while I go, uh, do.... While I go talk to DV. Stop being so nosy!!!

Issa: * weird look on face * Ok..Well Alanna, what don't you like about Roger?

Alanna: Well, for starters, he tried to kill me. Also, my cat doesn't like him, he tried to kill Jon, and * sob * he was mean to me!!!!

Issa: * wipes eyes with a tissue * That is the saddest damn thing I ever heard. * passes Alanna a tissue *

Ashlee and Becca: * exchange looks *

Ashlee, Issa, and Becca: * exchange looks *

Alanna and Roger: *exchange puzzled glances *

Alanna: What's with all the exchanging looks around here??

Hostesses: * grin evilly * * all say * After we meet all the annoying people out here, there will be a surprise for them!

Alanna: Why isn't there going to be a surprise for the good people?!?!

Issa: Oh, there will be. * evil laughter *

Becca: Roger why would you do all these stupid and mean things to Alanna?

Roger: Well. I don't like her hair, her cat, or her stupid prince either!!!

Alanna: *lunges at Roger *

Issa: * grabs Alanna in mid air * you can kick his butt while we go on a commercial break.

** Commercial **

Does your sword ever get dull from all the blood that gets on it when you stab somebody? Well, here is the new blood cleaning, non-dulling, Mage- powered sword cleaner! You just dab here, here, and here, and rub it away with your grime covered sleeves! Only 9 silver crowns at your select market place.

** Show Returns**

Roger: * sporting black and blue bruises all over face *

Alanna: * smiling smugly *

Ashlee: Ok. Now for our new annoying guest, * reads card in disbelief * Frodo from the Lord of the Rings? * To Becca and Disembodied Voice * Why are characters from the Lord of the Rings here? This is Tortall! Plus, I like Frodo!

Frodo: * walks onstage looking dazed * Where am I?

Issa: Frodo, your not in the Shire anymore. Now * dramatic pause * your in Tortall!!

Frodo: * mutters * great.

Becca: And now for the person who is annoyed by Frodo. How about a big welcome for * gasps and gets Issa and Ashlee to read the card * * all three gasp * * Becca continues * A big welcome for Samwise Gamgee.

Audience: * gasps *

Issa: I thought you guys were best friends??

Sam: I am sooooo sick of being bossed around by Frodo!!! Sam, clip these flowers, Sam clip this bush. Sam Sam Sam!!!!! Its like I'm Cinderella or something!!!!

Cinderella: You called?

Hostesses: * weird looks *

Everyone: * silence *

Cinderella: Well fine. I know where Im not wanted. * leaves *

Issa: Can you say rude?

Ashlee: Rude. Ok. Now for the big surprise at the end of the show. All you annoying people are going to * dun dun dun *

Hostesses: Boot Camp!!!

Becca: And the people who put you on this show are going to be your drill seargents!

All: *evil laughter *

Becca: The next episode of Tales of Tortallans will be... the Boot Camp Episode! Mwahahahaha!!!!

Ashlee: * bows *

Issa and Becca: * wave *

Ashlee: So see ya next time!!!

All: * yell * AND THAT'S IT FOR TODAY'S EPISODE OF TALES OF TORTALLANS!!!!!

Hey hey! I've finally updated!!!! What did you think?? Let me know! Review!!!

~~Mistress Moony (aka Ashlee)