Author's Note: This is a sequential set of drabbles written about the typical workday of Morino Ibiki.


Violent, Evil, Awful

Ibiki liked for people to think that he was a violent, evil, awful man. He liked for them to think that he would tear a kidney out of someone and make them hold it. He liked that, because their beliefs made it so much easier to do his work. They'd come in all terrified, hearing about his handiwork from some other person who had also never been in his interrogation room…and he would proceed to take all their secrets without lifting a finger.

Interrogation and torture was about psychology, not ripping out people's body parts and breaking bones. Stereotypes were hilarious. And they helped him so much. When someone was so focused on physical pain, they never noticed how he was verbally milking them for information. Not only that, but most shinobi were a lot less tough about pain than they liked to believe. The moment the threat of deliberate violence came in a situation where they couldn't protect themselves, the sweat started rolling.

Ibiki walked from his office to his interrogation room to begin a typical day.

Root Canal

"What do you think I'm going to do to you?" Ibiki cracked his knuckles and tilted his head, smiling innocently.

The Rain nin's gaze went to the array of dentistry tools lying on the metal tray.

Ibiki inwardly laughed. Props always got them. "Well? Describe it for me. Oh, and make it good. You don't want me to get bored."

Bu the time the Rain nin was done, he was pale and shaking, his face white and covered in sweat. Ibiki never even had to pick up a dentist tool, much less pretend he knew how to use it.

He rolled his eyes and left the room, armed with the information he needed. The man didn't think he'd told Ibiki anything; in fact, he'd told Ibiki everything. That was why Ibiki was in charge of Torture and Interrogation.

In The Movies

"I saw this in a movie once," Ibiki drawled, "and I want to see if it works. I'm going to hang you upside down, expose your back, and press a hot poker to it. I hear the pain and burning is so intense, it actually feels cold. I want you to tell me if it's true. Okay?" He grinned.

The prisoner, a missing nin from Sand, visibly broke out in a sweat.

"Don't let the pain get to you," Ibiki said. "Tell me the first time, or I'll have to do it again."

"D-Don't you want to know the movements of my cell of rogue ninjas?" the man asked.

"No. Not particularly." Ibiki shrugged, and laughed when the man turned a sickly shade of green. "Oh, come on. Be some fun. We've got all day, you know? I just want to make it interesting."

He hung the man upside down, walked behind him, and stuck him in the back with a popsicle.

The man squirmed and yelled so loud that Ibiki almost laughed himself sick. He was definitely left breathless and gasping with mirth, a stitch in his side and bent over double.

"It's cold!" the man squealed. "It's cold!" Then he spilled everything he knew about his band of rebels, just in an attempt to make Ibiki happy enough to end the torture.

Jackpot. Ibiki ate the half-melted popsicle, watching the missing nin shudder and then vomit, all while hanging upside down. Man, interrogations were fun.

Body Jewelry

"Would you like a tongue piercing?" Ibiki asked. "I've got all the equipment right here."
Anko brightly held up the tray for the prisoner to see.

"Anko can help me." Ibiki smiled brightly. "She's got experience with piercing. Maybe you know her? Orochimaru's apprentice?"

"He taught me everything he knows," Anko said in her huskiest, most intimidating villainess voice. Then she laughed.

The man promptly vacated his bowels all over the chair.

Anko sighed. "Not the best way to charm a girl, you know?"

The man talked.

Ibiki had to call a janitor. The poor, overworked janitor.


Ibiki was feeling so good about his progress for the day that he took time off for lunch with Anko. They went to their favorite little restaurant off of Main Street.

"You know, if our reputations were a little bit less severe, we wouldn't be able to do this work," Ibiki said. "It's amazing how much a good, sadistic reputation helps."

Anko ripped a piece of dango off its skewer with her teeth and chewed it happily. "I know. It rocks."