NOTE: This is my entry for MessengerOfDreams and Tune4Toons' "Fireside Tales" Contest!
If you're interested, check out the details here by copying/pasting: s/8664662/1/Fireside-Tales-Contest
I'd like to extend a lovely word of thanks to them for creating this fun contest! It's been so refreshing to see that the Smash section still has several talented authors left in its ranks! This is also a fun little gift to all my fans, followers, and to the fan fiction community in general. Anyway, the following is best enjoyed sitting by a fire in a comfy chair with a hot cup of cocoa (at least in my humble opinion, haha).
Cozy up, and enjoy!
-Way of the Sheikah proudly presents-
"How The Snake Stole Christmas!"
Christmas is a time for merriment, for presents and cheer,
Even in Smashville, the Super Smash Brothers hold it dear.
So every year before Christmas, wise old Master Hand would decree,
That all battles would cease, to every Smasher's glee.
For this reason and more, every Smasher in Smashville liked Christmas a lot,
But Solid Snake, who lived in a secluded part of Smash Mansion, did not!
Solid Snake hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why, because no one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his sneaking suit was too tight.
It could be his bandana wasn't tied on just right.
But I think that the most likely reason of them all,
May have been that Solid's "snake," was two sizes too small...
But whatever the reason, his bandana or his "snake,"
He stood there in his room on Christmas Eve, scowling and irate.
Staring down from his tinted window with a sour, serious frown,
At the cheerful Smashers below, shopping happily in their town.
For he knew every Smasher down in Smashville beneath,
Was busy buying and decorating with Christmas bells and wreaths.
"And they're hanging their stockings," he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his mercenary fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming!
For tomorrow I know all the Smashers young and old,
Will wake bright and early. They'll rush for their gold!
They'll unwrap their presents, and the adults will cringe,
As the children's excitement pushes their nerves to the fringe!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
There's one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
And they'll shriek with squeals, racing 'round on their kart wheels.
Those kids will run with Crazy Hand hot on their heels!
Then the Smashers, past and present, will sit down to a feast.
And they'll feast! And they'll feast! And they'll FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They'll dine on Maxim Tomatoes and rare roast beast,
I have no idea what that is, but I can't stand it in the least!
And then they'll do the thing I hate most of all!
Every Smasher in this mansion, the tall and the small,
They'll stand outside in the snow, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'll stand hand-in-hand, and those Smashers will start singing!
Don't ask me why they will, I have no clue,
But they'll sing until their cheeks turn blue!"
"And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'll SING! SING! SING! SING!"
And the more Solid Snake thought of those noisy Smashers sing,
The more Snake thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
Why for four years I've put up with it now!
I must stop Christmas from coming! But how?"
Then he got an idea...an awful idea.
Solid Snake got a wonderful, awful idea!
He broke into a grin, as if watching Metal Gear go boom,
It was a grin only seen when he's secretly watching Peach in the changing room!
"I know just what I'll do!" Snake laughed in his throat.
"I'll make a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat."
And he chuckled to himself, "What a great, sneaky trick!
With a coat and a hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"
So he went to work at once, using all his training and skill,
But after many failures, he decided stealing one of Link's hats would fit the bill.
So he broke into the Hylian's room, taking his cap from the bed,
Then returned to his man-cave and painted it red.
"All I need is a reindeer." Solid Snake looked around.
But since reindeer are extinct in Smashville, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the legendary Snake? "Hah!" Solid Snake simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll borrow one instead!"
So he "borrowed" the Pokémon Pikachu, and he took some black thread.
And he stitched a big horn on top of his head.
Now why would Pikachu agree to this foolhardy quest?
The truth is he didn't; that's why blackmail is the best!
At the stroke of midnight did Snake finally decide,
That "Operation Santa Eater" was now in full stride.
He loaded some bags and some old empty sacks
In his ramshackle cardboard box, and he planned his attack.
All their rooms were dark. No one knew he was there.
All the Smashers were all dreaming, sweet dreams without care.
In reality of course, the older Smashers were all awake;
Snake humming his "sneaking theme" was almost too much to take.
"They'll never know I was here," the old Snakey Claus hissed,
As he snuck down the stairs, a cigarette between his lips.
He got stuck only once, for a minute or more,
When his cardboard box wouldn't fit through the door.
Where the little Smasher's stockings hung all in a row.
"These stockings," he growled, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Blasters, hammers, ocarinas, and bongos!
Beam swords, mushrooms, Mr. Saturn; even a plush Dodongo!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then that Snake, shrewd as Gray Fox,
Threw those bags right in to his cardboard box!
Then he snuck to the fridge. He took the Smasher's feast!
He took the Maxim Tomatoes! He took that mysterious roast beast!
He cleaned out that fridge, as quick as a flash.
He broke into Master Hand's office and stole all his cash!
During all the chaos, a tired Pikachu crept away,
Screw the blackmail; he was hitting the hay.
Snake stole all the goodies and presents with glee,
"And now," grinned Snake, "I'll subdue the tree!"
As Snake approached the tree and started to punch,
He heard a small sound, a creek and a crunch.
He turned around fast, an exclamation mark above his head,
The Ice Climber Nana stood there, freshly out of bed!
She stared at Snake with near-sighted eyes and said, "Santy Claus, why,
Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?"
But, you know, that sly Snake was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.
"Why, my sweet little Nana," the fake Snakey Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my sweet, little girl!
I'll fix it all up, and bring it back as fresh as a pearl."
"It looks fine to me," Nana said with a pause.
Snake drew his pistol, "Shut up or you'll end up like Mrs. Claus!"
And the threat fooled the child. Then Snake patted her head,
He gave her a shot of whiskey, and Nana dropped dead.
"Oh shit, I killed her!" Snake shouted with fright,
He stashed the body in a bag and hid it out of sight.
Then he dragged the body bag to the door, the sneaky liar.
He tossed it in the snow and set it on fire.
The bag suddenly shrieked, like cold skin on hot lead,
"Well what do you know," mumbled Snake, "guess she wasn't dead!"
With a shrug, he continued to ransack the place,
He stole every last crumb, nothing was left, not even a shoelace.
The one speck of food that he left on the floor was so dirty,
Why, it was even too small for the fluff-ball named Kirby.
It was a quarter 'til dawn. All the Smashers still in bed,
All the Smashers still a-snooze, at least in Snake's head.
"Suck-it to the Smashers!" he was pleasantly humming,
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open for a minute or two
Then the Smashers in Smash Mansion will all cry boo-hoo!
"That's a noise," grinned Snake, "that I simply must hear!"
He hid behind a bush with his box, and put a hand to his ear.
And Snake did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then it started to grow.
And then the door opened, and someone yelled loud and hard,
"Who left all this shit out in our yard!?"
And then he heard a sound, coming from behind,
The hands grabbed him before he could even yell "I've been compromised!"
But it wasn't the Smashers, or at least the angry mob he imagined,
Instead it was Samus, a smile firmly fashioned.
"Where have you been?" she asked the stunned Snake.
"I wanted to give you this yesterday, but I was too late."
She held out a small present, and gave him a wink,
As she sauntered away, he could barely think!
He unwrapped the present and lifted the lid,
What was inside? I can't reveal that, God forbid!
But what happened then? Well, in Smashville they say,
Solid's small "snake" grew three inches that day!
Maybe Christmas, he thought, isn't really so bad,
Maybe Christmas, perhaps, could lead to good times to be had!
And then the true meaning of Christmas to him came through,
And Solid Snake found the libido of ten Snakes, plus two!
And now with Samus on his mind and his heart soaring to new heights,
He ran to his box through the bright morning light.
With a smile to his soul, he pulled his box out of the snow,
Cheerily yelling as he came through the door "Ho ho ho!"
"Shut the fuck up," Ike shouted grumpily in anger.
Snake ignored him, then stabbed him with a coat hanger… the dick…
He rushed through the mansion. He ran through the halls,
He brought back Link's hat and ocarina, even Red's Poke Balls!
"Why's my hat look so charred?" Link asked, confused.
"Err," Snake lied, "let's just say it was abused."
He brought back their blasters and their mushrooms and bongos,
Brought back their hammers, the beam swords, even Zelda's plush Dodongo!
He brought everything back, all the food for the feast!
And he, he himself, Solid Snake, carved that roast beast!
"Where's Nana?" Peach interrupted, her face full of worry,
"Why, she had to take off," Snake shrugged, "she was in a hurry."
"Is she all right?" she asked. "Tell me Snake, what's the story?"
"Oh don't worry; she went off in a blaze of glory."
And Snake flashed her a devious grin,
He was positive he had covered up his sin.
Marth asked with concern, "Who stitched this horn on Pikachu's head?"
"Don't worry about that," Snake smiled, "have some fondue instead!"
At the end of the day, Snake's mind was farthest from hating,
Especially with Samus in his room, anxiously waiting...
So welcome Christmas, bring your cheer,
Cheer to all Smashers far and near!
For it was a wonderful holiday, for all of the Smash,
Though Snake decided, "I'm keeping the cash."
Special thanks to The Stupendeous Jimbo for lending an ear; else the mayhem in this story wouldn't quite be so dear.
Thanks for reading, that was tons of fun to write! As for now, I think I'll grab some hot cocoa on this cold, December night.
Merry Christmakawanza, one and all!