Author's note: Shamefully, I had a lot of fun writing this! Please, I do not mean to disrespect. In fact, I really have liked some of the fanfiction I sass below, but I just think its so funny how fictions compare to others, creating this pattern. Anyway, thank you for reading! Enjoy!
Special thank you to "ProcrastinatorsUniteTomorrow " for inspiring me to add a few more details
The 'Joys' of Fandoms
The Titans used to love mail! Every Saturday, a member of the team was knighted to journey out into the open arms of Jump City and to retrieve the week's worth of the team's mail from the post office. Of course, they tossed the bills and shamefully skimmed over the letters asking for donations, all anxious to read the fan mail. Their love of fan mail, especially, was a self-centered secret that they all (one) had in common and (two) never chose to address or condemn. To the team of teenaged superheroes, who wouldn't love to be written to, drawn, or praised? Saturdays, if crime permitted, were mail days—where the Titans lazed around the common room, reading.
Starting with Robin, the team's love for fan mail plummeted…into an abyss…never to return… Eventually, overly obsessive pre-teens, teenagers, mothers, and bored house wives began to confess their undying love for the poor Boy Wonder through their letters, soon infesting the other boys' wide-casted net of adorations as well.
"I dunno, dude." The green changeling wiggled his eye brows with tease, "Maybe these 'lovers' of yours aren't that bad, ha-ah!" His eyes suddenly darted to Starfire, casually strolling through the Ops Room, "Maybe you can even get," he cupped his mouth, magnifying his voice to the princess's direction, "a girlfriend!"
Robin tackled him to the ground violently, shoved his arms behind his back, pressing the scrambling boy against the ground behind his back forcefully and cupping his mouth, his cheeks reddening. "You just wait! They will come after you and Cyborg next!"
…Two weeks later…
Beast Boy and Cyborg were emotionlessly shoving their letters into the fire, well-feed on the ink, tears, and lip-stick stains.
"Robin!" Cyborg bellowed, "Why did you curse us?"
"Dude!" Beast Boy complained, "This is like the fourth round!"
Robin sauntered over to the fireplace, his shoulders drooped, heaving a barrel of fan mail in his arms. Without a trace of cheer, he dumped the pile into the feasting flames. "Tell me about it."
As time dwindled on, they learned to cope with the misery of each Saturday. Although the poor boys were essentially creeped out, the situation still riddled itself with an inch of humor. Sometimes, the Titans would read each other's 'most repulsively disgusting' letters, as Starfire liked to call it, aloud during the infamous "Team Bonding Days." Starfire giggled her and there, but when it came to a girl spilling her heart out to a fairly embarrassed and disgusted Robin, her cheeks would redden and she would go silent. Raven never took part, but snickered every now and then at the boys' misery, especially Beast Boy's. The most embarrassing letter was presented with the honor of being taped to the chrome refrigerator where their collection haunted them all.
"Get a load of this, guys!" Beast Boy snatched a letter fluffed with red hearts and pink lip-stick stains from the clenching grasp of Robin. His face reddened as he tucked his head away into the couch, embracing for impact. "Kill me now!"
"Dear Robin," Beast Boy conformed his tone to the unfortunate accent of a teenage drama queen, "You don't know this, but I do. We are meant for each other! I have dreams about us together and together we are Mr. and Mrs. Boy Wonder!" Suddenly, laughter exploded from the grips of the Titans: Cybrog fell upon the floor, pounding the ground for relief. Beast Boy clutched his stomach, tossing the paper upon the ground in defeat. "I—haha! I can't—I can't continue!"
Cyborg chimed in, surrounding a finger to the air, "Robin wins this week!"
Within the span of weeks, all humor dropped and the boys' hatred for fan mail hit its maximum: their girls became the main targets. Taking their fair share of love letters from complete strangers was one thing the boys learned to deal with, but witnessing the perverts swoon over fantasies with the Titan girls crossed the line… by miles! What could they say? They were protective over their girls and respected their fellow friends as heroes like everyone else should. To Raven, they were nothing. Emotion clenched, she was too good at handling it: she later joined the boys, shoveling loads and loads of letters into the fire, but Starfire? Starfire naiveté became her greatest weakness.
"Uh Robin?" The girl, so innocent and so sweet in her tone that shook, pointed to a poorly written word upon a letter, "What does this word mean?"
Robin glanced down, reddened with rage, snatched the piece of paper, crumpled it violently, and chucked it into fire, the rest of the team staring at him with shock. It was quiet for a moment, all attention on the Boy Wonder who hesitated in his spotlight. He took a deep breath, adjusted himself, and wheeled back around to meet the girl, plastering a smile onto his face for her sake. He coughed to adjust his tone, "Eh-he. Uh, you don't want to know, Star."
On a side note, Robin hated the mail she received, filled with sexual comments and disrespect towards the beautiful alien. Her being such a light and a refreshing dose of innocence which most earthlings abandoned as children, he found himself going lengths to preserve her naiveté. However, one note that was so vulgar had even made her cry. Little did she know that the others, led by Robin of course, disappeared that night, tracked the man down, and gave him a 'good talking to.' After that, Robin found himself proof-reading most of her fan letters for her from boys to ensure that they were 'safe' to read.
As time progressed, the Titans found themselves wrong. There was one thing they resented more than fan mail: fan fiction.
"Starfire," Raven droned, inching over the alien, "why are you still on that site?"
Starfire scrolled through the archives, dot-like eyebrows askew, "Can someone please tell me who this 'Kori' persona is? We share a similar name, but I am afraid we are nothing like another."
Beast Boy snickered, prompting himself from the carpet floor, "Yeah. This Kori Anders person is always pissed off, self-centered, snobby, and obsesses over boys and slutty fashion too much."
Robin muttered with disdain, "…and this Roy Harper kid."
Starfire wheeled around, looking to Beast Boy with innocent saddness, tears threatening to spill. His cheerful expression shattered, "No, Star. I mean—that's not you at all."
Robin jumped from the couch, pacing, his hands flying through the air in a fit anger, "Why does everyone portray me as the playboy millionaire who sleeps with all these girls? Why does everyone always use the phrase 'playboy millionaire'?"
"Why am I an emotionally disturbed girl who gets paired up with Robin, here?" Raven fell to the couch in defeat, "Or worse! Why are Beast Boy and Raven stories the most popular on this site?" He eyes darted to the green boy blushing, "I hate and make fun of you all the time. Where could they get tha-"
"Ha-ha!" Cyborg snickered, his body sprawled out upon the couch. "Is there somethin' you 'love birds' wanna tell us?"
Raven and Beast Boy's shooting glowers and hate stares combined, delivering a great punch to the semi-robotic teen, her rage rioting in black energy, exploding the computer. The shock launched Starfire into a flightless leap.
"Er," Robin scratched his head at the computer smoking in defeat. "Maybe that's a good thing. Those Slade fictions were staring to creep me out, anyway."
Beast Boy wiggled his eye brows, "Yeah, I would've never guess he had eyes for you Robby."
The Boy lashed around and knocked the boy into the couch, "Stop it! It's not funny!"
"But it makes sense, dude! Think about it: you, Terra, Raven…"
"That's the worst part." Robin rubbed his eyes out of frustration, muttering.
Starfire cupped her mouth, trying to clench back laughter, "Friends, I believe these teenaged girls have made our foes less scary than they really are."
Robin fell to the couch in defeat, "I really hate fandoms… I really do."
Raven droned in, "I'm just thankful that our most embarrassing characters like the one in that high school bit are nothing like us at all. Notice how the author just puts are names in the characters and nothing else?"
Cyborg snickered at the boy's pain, "Why yall complaining?" He sprouted a smile, "They have nothin' on me, ha-ha!"
Starfire chimed in, "Friend Cyborg, it seems like you are often paired with friend Bumble Bee."
Cyborg jolted, straightened up, red rushing to his exposed forehead, muttering from frustration. "Those racist bastards." Starfire covered her ears. "They just pair us up because we are the two of the few African Americans on the team!"
Robin wheeled around the boy's massive frame, "I dunno, Cyborg." There was a very obvious amount of sarcasm in his tone, "Maybe there a spark, huh Sparky?"
He blushed, running through come-backs in his mind, finally snatching one from the pool. He grinned maliciously. Beast Boy snickered ready for the tables to turn on the Boy Wonder. Robin saw it on their expressions… He saw it coming from miles away. 'Oh no.'
"At least our boat-"
"It's called ship, Cyborg." Beast Boy assisted with a grim smile. "Ship."
"Oh why thank you B.B. At least our ship isn't canon. Isn't that right 'RobStar?'
The two flashed to each other, their glances fearful, wide, and furtive, blushing themselves until they turned the color of Robin's torso. Explanations, excuses, and plainly the feeling of hiding swelled within their minds, they only able to choke out single letters. Robin rose a finger to the air, unhinged his mouth to argue, but no words came.
"I have to admit," Beast Boy rose maliciously, "those were my favorites."
The two look to each other and hiccupped into an awkward laugh, building into a whole hearted one that swept the rest of their team to join them.
Long story short: the Titans learned to hate mail days, finding themselves happy to look over their bills and thoughtfully review the letters asking for donations if it meant postponing their weekly hassle of burning large quantities of paper. A few things came of this tragedy: a fire was constantly burning in the Titans Tower, fans were now scarier than the villains they faced daily, and reading fan mail was no longer a leisurely thing.
Author's note (again): Shamefully, I had a lot of fun writing this! Please, I do not mean to disrespect. In fact, I really have liked some of the fanfiction I sass above, but I just think its so funny how fictions compare to others, creating this pattern. Anyway, thank you for reading! Enjoy!