I was bored. And I hated that. It seemed all too long before I'd actually have a lesson to occupy my mind. That in itself was weird, being so bored I actually wanted to do my lessons. I also felt slightly sick, but that was for a whole different reason. I looked up from my laptop and pushed my chair back from the table. Having nothing better to do I had taken to listening to music from the internet. "Ow..." I brought in a sharp breath and flexed my leg. Having folded my legs up on the chair it had become stiff.

"What's the matter Kaoru?" I turned my head ever so slightly to see my twin peering at me with those identical to my own golden eyes.

I smiled at him, that sick feeling increasing a little. "Its fine, just a little cramp that's all."

"Oh?" His voice oozed out, dropping low in that seductive tone that called our fans to us. I didn't even pay attention to the sudden throng of girls who thought it completely normal to gather around us every time their 'brotherly love' sense went off. It made it difficult to have any private moments during the school day. I ran a hand through my short red hair with a sigh. Why didn't these girls just leave us alone and wait until we were in the Host club, the place where our little act was meant to be displayed for them? It wasn't just that we could never just talk without an audience every time things seem to be getting steamy, it was that my twin couldn't resist playing up to our act once an audience came. Naturally I had to go along, if the girls ('Princesses' Tamaki called them) thought we weren't 'getting alone' then who knows what would happen unless it was played right and I wasn't in the mood for that.

Just an act...

I watched Hikaru's hand reach out and his long fingers nimbly massage my knee. I forced a blush onto my cheeks, having programmed myself long ago to be able to blush and tear up on cue. That kind of thing just helped if you were stuck in the 'catcher' role. Not that I minded since I felt so comfortable in that role. I thought back to Renge's film, where we had switched roles...it had been easy but not the same.

"Does that feel good, Kaoru?" Hikaru asked and I nodded, feigning speechlessness and turning away once the girls had stopped gushing and Hikaru had stopped his massage. In truth my knee did feel a little less cramped, whether that was because of what he had done or simply because I had flexed it enough before I couldn't tell.

I didn't feel sick because he had touched me. We had definitely done more just in the club, holding each other close like lovers, whispering such tender things as he cups my face, lips inches apart. But that was the trouble wasn't it? As of the last summer holidays that just close enough, where we had always drawn the line, had finally been crossed.

Last summer...

"Hay Kaoru, do you know what I'm thinking?" Hikaru purred. I looked up from my book as I sat on the bed, propped up against the backboard in a cushion of fine thick fluffy pillows. He grinned up at me as he lay on his stomach, feet cocked up and head resting on one hand which was propped up at the elbow.

"No."

"That's a lie." Hikaru grinned a little more. A few days ago we had finally tried a little kiss. Hikaru had said it was for something new to try in the club but it had felt like so much more. The strangest thing is how natural it felt, and we had been doing it ever since. He was right, it was a lie. I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking 'kiss me'.

I placed the book down on the bed, not even bothering to dog ear my page as my twin rose up and pressed his lips to mine. After a few moments of frantic movement our tongues began to dance with each other. My heart beat raced at a pace I was sure he could hear, but he didn't mind. Hikaru and I, moulded together so well...I couldn't tell where he began and I ended as we let the passion take over.

It isn't just 'lust'...what we have is something so much more...

I watched him as he lathered his hair with soap, as soon as his eyes were closed I reached forward and removed the shower head, holding it out of his reach. "Huh, where's the-?" Hikaru flailed his arm around in front of him, searching for the water.

"Looking for something?" I grinned as he was made to open his eyes and turned to the side, where I dangled the turned off shower head from my hand.

"Come on Kaoru, give it back." He scowled a little and reached out for it. I moved as far back as I could, which was pretty far considering the en suite we had involved a shower that was big enough to hold at least five people with room for a table. The perks of being rich.

"What are you going to do if I don't?" I challenged him, knowing he couldn't resist. Tactics...as he grabbed me and brought me in for one of our forbidden moments of passion that we both enjoyed though would not admit to doing so. Tactics...hidden in a childish joke.

As we lay in bed, side by side as always, I looked over at him and sighed. "Hay Hikaru, you look cold..." He opened his eyes and smiled. We cuddled close, cradling each others bodies and heads, foreheads touching.

Our hearts beating to the same rhythm...

It was innocent, us cuddling this way as we slept. Even at this age, twins sharing a bed was too normal in this household. The servants tended to just let us do as we pleased, though I still feared they would catch us being not so innocent and tell our parents. With them being always busy, a surprise like that was not needed. They would never accept this.

It was amazing how we could kiss so easily, though it was breaking the taboo that we ourselves dangled by a string in front of the clubs eager 'princesses'. We never thought too much about it, or the moral implications. Though every time we started, we were always thinking of the end. And the fact we could never truly give ourselves to each other, that it all had to end some day, especially when we finished high school and moved on...It made us uncharacteristically scared.

So scared...

Whipping myself out of the memories which were held so strongly in my mind I addressed why I was feeling sick. I had harmlessly, I swear, looked at Hikaru's computer history that morning to see if he had that website we were supposed to be taking notes on saved somewhere. I came across a few interesting articles he had been looking at recently and that's when the sick feeling started. They were all giving tips on how to have 'quiet sex'. Hikaru was planning to have a sneaky night with someone?

It hurt that he wouldn't tell me this kind of thing and I didn't dare ask or he would know that I pried. But who was it he had in his heart? That he would want to give himself to, and why 'quiet'? I had some ideas but...surely not. Haruhi had already firmly told him she wasn't interested. One of the other girls maybe?

I sighed. I wasn't jealous. I was pretty sure that neither of us were even bi or gay. It was all just brotherly love right? I knew what we had was special, and I considered it detached from any kind of normal romance or feelings. It felt too amazing, to fit together so perfectly with someone, my twin. I wasn't jealous that he had found someone, because the two of us were never together in that sense. How could we be, we were family. I wanted him to be happy...but surely Hikaru could find that happiness with me! Okay, so I was a little jealous.

And that was the real reason I felt sick. I shouldn't have felt jealous that my own twin brother had found a girl special enough to give himself to. It didn't weaken our bond at all. Right? I looked over at him as he lolled across the table, as bored as I was.

What are you thinking Hikaru? I know what you're thinking. You're bored, and you want something to entertain you. I'm sorry, but I can't do that for you right now.

In the end, we never even kissed in front of our customers...

I wondered as we walked to the lunch room if he actually knew how I felt, my love and my confusion. My intense fear. How I wanted more but knew I shouldn't. It just wasn't a normal thing to do. To say to your twin that you wanted to do forbidden things with him, to want your twin so passionately. Oh God what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Hikaru help me...I want you so much it hurts. Surely he couldn't look that far into my mind and know how he felt. If he was okay with our kissing, then that passion was all he would ever find fine. I was sure of it, and yet not. That in itself created an unwelcome feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had always been sure of what my twin felt and thought. But not now. My inner shame and turmoil was blocking whatever twin ESP we had. Most of the time. Hikaru...who is it that has captured all your heart and passion? Whoever it is, perhaps I can replace them.

In my dreams I could be your only love.


AN: I wrote this some time ago partially based on the doujinshi Heliotrope which you can easily Google. I don't know if it's good enough to have a lasting story so for now it's just a short story, I hope you enjoyed it.