I couldn't do it. Even though I hated myself entirely. Even though the razor was there pressed against my skin, I couldn't even move it, let alone cut deep enough to kill myself. I let the metal drop into the sink in disgust, then fished it out so that I could fill the sink with water and wash my face. If only I could wash away the shame that I felt. If only I could wash away these disgusting feelings. The world is built on if only's. I reminded myself over and over that if only was a pathetic way to think. The world really is built on if only's and they go nowhere.
I emptied the sink and retired to the bedroom, which looked bigger and emptier than ever before. I wished I'd kept my mouth shut, just pretended that I was jealous because I liked Kyouya. Damn, with all the acting I'd done pretending that would have been so easy. Maybe it wasn't too late. A spark of hope was there again, telling me I could try and convince Hikaru that I had been joking but...
I sank onto the bed, lacking the energy to do so. I didn't even want to see him, I knew I wouldn't be able to meet his eyes. He was disgusted by me, his own twin. I'd said things even he couldn't laugh off. What was he doing now, I wondered. Was he talking to Kyouya? Perhaps he was laying there, as I was, wondering how I could ever desire him that way when we were blood.
Sexual attraction between family does occur of course, it's not unheard of between half-blood or even full blood family members but that's usually only when they haven't seen each other for years and years since being young and then, only rarely. What did that make me then? A freak of nature? A mutation of the natural order?
Nothing good could come out of my feelings. I would try, as hard as I could, to pretend that I had been kidding. My hands made fists against the bed. I just wanted Hikaru to smile at me again, to hold me like he used to and for there to be no strange feelings between us.
If only if only if only...
I woke later that night when the weight on the other side of the mattress increased. Suddenly Hikaru's arms were around me, they pulled my back against his chest. "I'm so sorry Kaoru."
"How did you know I was awake?" I whispered back, my whole body felt stiff and cold. Was this a dream? He wouldn't really want to touch such a sick excuse for a human being like me, would he?
"Of course I knew. You were always a light sleeper." Came the reply and I wanted to believe it was a dream because it was so much like the old days. The cold left my body, replaced by a nervous heat. For a long time, what felt like hours, we lay there cuddled close to each other as lovers would, me slightly tipped against his chest so he could get his arm under and around me. Our breathing was perfectly in sync, as were our heartbeats, his I could feel through my back. I got that feeling again of having both hearts inside of me and started to cry.
"Kaoru, please don't! Look I-I don't care if you love me like that I-...I was just really shocked when you said it. I mean we pretended and we kissed but I thought it was just harmless, I didn't know that you felt the way you feel and..." Hikaru moved away from me, I turned to look up at him. "I'm sorry about what I said. It's not your fault, and you're not disgusting I mean it's not like you've tried to force me to do stuff with you."
"I'd never do that." I bleated up at him, my heart raced in my chest.
"I love Kyouya, Kaoru. It's weird I know, but I think he might love me too. But you know how he is, he didn't really say it out right and I'm not even sure where we are." Hikaru smiled down at me, he took one of my hands in his. "The point is, you will always be my brother. I will always love you, maybe not how you want me to, but I will still always love you."
Our bond, pulled tight again.
Our kisses, still so sweet. Much more than just lust.
"You don't have to do this to please me."
"I'm not, I want to show you our special love will never die."
Special love...that's what we have. It's not exactly platonic, and not quite sexual either. I came to realize it was just the right kind of love for me. One way or another, I'm happy in this way to be your love.