A/N: This goes to vintagegirl1912, she gave me the idea to write about Hook's first reaction when he finds out she's pregnant. I'm sorry this is a lot darker and and angsty than I intended it to be. Thanks to Abby (withahappyrefrain) for the help! You're a sweetheart!
You're just a small bump unknown
"I think I'm pregnant" she whispers to him in the ghost of the night. Killian holds himself frozen over her body, and the kiss he intended dies on her belly button, as he becomes a statue. He can feel her impatience and her fear at his reaction, but his own worthlessness was more profound than any fear she could have. He sees tears glistening in her eyelids as he keeps quiet and the moon whispers of the loving and tenderness that was about to happen before this news. She looks to the window, unable to search his blue eyes anymore, terrified of finding any rejection in what his silence is speaking to her. She sees the seas hushed and unmoving, and her belly at the moment is just like that, but she's almost certain in a few months it won't be anymore. Life will bloom inside of her and the very man she loves, the one who created that life with her, is completely unmoving over her. She never knew the night could be this cold, as if the ice from his eyes is embedded in her heart and the silence of his breathing howls louder than any fear she ever had.
"Killian, please, say something." she begs, finally relenting under the static of his dead stare and he seems to remember her, he discovers himself over her and he returns to life. He smiles, but there are dead wishes and long ago aches behind that smile and she feels the tears spilling from her eyes as he offers her a broken smile, like a dried out shore with no sea. She smiles in return, but he's still silent and that is weighing down on her lungs and she takes a deep breath.
"Ariel, let's wait and see, shall we?" he surrenders, but his eyes are haunted, his smile is empty. She feels a strengthening inside of her. She has sea water in her veins, she is the daughter of the ocean, and she will not yield under the phantom hurting of the man she loves. She was made to endure tempests and typhoons, rocks in the bottom of the ocean forger her spirit and she will not be broken down because of a past of which she has no guilt. If she's pregnant and he continues like this, she will prevail and so will her baby. This pain of his will not sink them all under.
"Let's go to sleep, we'll talk in the morning" she answers him, but his back is turned to her. She turns to the window and notices the ocean quickened, angering. She smiles, she's angry too.
A week passes and her sailor becomes dark and conflicted, she feels his dreams turn into shadows and old monsters in their bed and he lies awake and petrified. She wonders what troubles him inside his mind, but whenever she stirs, he pretends to be asleep and she turns into herself and grazes her lower stomach. She thinks to her baby, if there is any baby growing inside her: "Be strong, be safe, I love you, and he will too". But the doubts he carries around are starting to pull her down as well.
She comes in the cabin and he's staring at a piece of wood, she sees a knife next to him and she stops, puzzled. He seems to not notice her and starts carving a sea turtle. She understands then what he's doing. He's making baby toys. She covers her mouth as a sob threatens to escape her and reach him. She longs to hold him and accept his fears, and promise him to bring him back to her, to stop the past from coming to him again. But she still feels his hesitation, it's in the way he carves, unsteady and reckless. He's angry at himself, she realizes.
"Will you trust me?" she asks, and he turns in shock and cuts himself.
"Bugger," he mutters, but he smiles at her and she sees a little bit of her pirate back. He sobers down quickly, though.
"I'm alright." he means about the cut and the question. She stiffens and the ferocity of the sea comes back to her eyes and he looks intently, intrigued at her words that are to come.
"Well, I'm bloody not! You've been a corpse lately, you mindless piece of arse! Are you so disgusted by our baby that you can't bear to look at me? You're as much to blame as I am! I won't let this baby feel unwanted!" she bellows and he accepts the punches of her loud voice as calmly as sinking under a strong tide.
"Come sit with me." he mumbles, and she tries to hold her hard words back, the wish to strike him very strong in the desire to protect her baby. He's so calm and she's resentful, but she loves him and that pulls her to his side. He surprises her by putting his head in her lap, and she waits, expecting the truth to show his ugly head, finally. She will slay the past behind.
"When I was in Neverland, there was a little boy named Peter. He was happy and pure, he hid from pain or sadness. The Lost Boys and him, they were playful and they searched adventure, just like I did. But they didn't know heartbreak, they didn't know the painful awareness of old mistakes, of regret burning in your eyes and the unrelenting pressure of not escaping anywhere, not even in land where no time pass and you never grew old. I detested them." his voice is hollow and she feels something moving. She caresses his hair and he takes a deep breath to continue.
"I was so angry, at Rumplestiltskin, at Milah, at myself. And they were so bloody free, so free, they even flied. Rage and guilt guided me and I willingly gave up control to those feelings inside my heart. I made it my goal to destroy happiness, to crush it like an ant under my boot. And those joyful children were the representation of that feeling I longed to obliterate. I hurt them so much, Ariel, I chased them and hunted them, like an old wound never healed, never closed. No matter how much I got to know them and to see how I was preventing them from living, and I was hiding in my wrath, I couldn't stop."
Her lap is moist and she thinks the baby is listening as well, because for the first time, there's movement inside her, like a fish swimming around her stomach and she holds back a giggle. Of course the baby would react to Killian's voice.
"I'm not good with children, Ariel. I can't forgive myself for so many mistakes I've made. I love you, but whatever life we've made, I'll burden it with my past. I can't be a father." he finishes and lets go of her and stands.
"Love, stop it please." she calls back and he turns to her, eyes reddened, face in the shadows of the cabin, a slight tremble to his hand. He's fragile right then, but she feels the tingle of life in her belly and she has to be strong, for the three of them.
"You didn't think you could love me and forget what a crushed heart looked like. And you did, for me, but mostly for you. Because you wanted to love me, and to feel loved. Can't you see our baby wanting the same? He just wants his father, not a pirate, nor a ghost. Killian, you have to let go of the past. Don't let it be your anchor, don't you want to sail free? I know you hurt Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. But they're not here, and our baby is not them. You won't hurt me, we've seen this already, and you won't hurt our baby. Forgive yourself, put the past behind and give our future a chance." she explains and the tears that bathe her cheeks and collarbone shine back in his eyes, but he's still chained.
"Come here." she beckons, and lifts her dress. Her ivory belly looks rounder than he remembers and he wonders how much hiding he's been doing lately, how much darkness he's let inside him again, for not noticing the change in the body of this once mermaid he loves so much. She takes his hand and puts it in her abdomen. He feels the warmth and softness of her skin, but then, as their hands travel together over her lower stomach, he realizes what he's feeling. A small bump. His child.
He tries to take back his hand, but she holds him there, circling the small bump, the slight hardness that wasn't there before. He understands why her skin is so warm. There's life beneath it. They made a life together. She's smiling, tears decorating her lashes and her sea eyes are wide and adoring, how could he resist such sight?
He kneels in front of her and puts his ear to her tummy, trying to feel more of him, the baby inside the woman he loves. Will he have her smile and her eyes, or his hair and his nose? Will he have red hair or black hair? Will he be small, like her, or slim and tall, like him? Will his voice be like his mother's, melodious, soothing, sea-foam calm and quiet? Or will he be hard and strong and thunderous, like an angry sea storm? He promises to the little one: "You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, and you'll be alright. I'm sorry I was scared, I won't be anymore."
"Are you alright now?" she inquires, but she feels his smile against her belly and she knows he's accepting the news. This is what she hoped for, a fresh start, a happy carefree man to share this miracle. She knows the darkness will come again, but she's ready, and so is the baby. This is a child made of ocean and sky, of pasts that hurt them both and made them stronger, this is a child of ships and adventures, he will have curiosity in his veins and temper in his heart. But he will be alright. Because his parents love him.
"Do you want to name him?" she asks him and he looks up to her, excitement makes his eyes flash like a clear sky.
"Can we name him Peter? I think that name deserves some better memories." he added, and his smile is simple and open.
"Of course, sweetheart. But what if it's a girl?" she pauses and he frowns for a second, completely perplexed by the possibility.
"Are you questioning my virility, woman? It's going to be a small pirate, wait and see!"
She laughs, but she can't help but wonder if their baby is going to surprise them both.
A/N: This was supposed to be cute and fluffly, but Killian in my mind was not in the mood for that. So this chapter came out like this, I hope you didn't hate it, and please review even if you did, so I know what I could change! Also, as you obviously know, Hook was very wrong about his virility lol. I've just had a lot of Peter Pan feelings lately so I wanted to use that name. Remember to review pretty please!