I am so bad with updates. I say I'm going to publish something in 3 parts over a weekend or whatever, but hence this goes un-updated for about a month and a half… I apologise profusely.
Also, writing smut is hard… No pun intended.
Cas avoided Dean pretty much all week. This was no mean feat since Sam and Dean would regularly spend night's together, drinking beer and watching movies. So Cas took to the library most of the time. He knew that this wouldn't be a permanent solution, but he felt like it was the only thing he could do until Dean got the hint.
He wasn't even sure why he was running. Dean was a good thing, probably one of the better things to happen to him.
Sam had asked him why he had been avoiding his older brother. Cas didn't have the heart to explain why, however, he was thankful that Dean hadn't admitted it to Sam. He wasn't ready to deal with that conversation with his roommate yet.
One evening, about a week and a half after the incident in the shower, Cas was feeling under the weather. He had felt the beginnings of a headache in one of his afternoon lectures, but had ignored it. His concentration had dipped from thereon in and he couldn't continue with his studies.
Begrudgingly, he tidied up his workspace before moving along to the student accommodation, where he feared Sam and Dean would be spending their time.
He got to the door of his room and quietly opened it, praying for just a single solitary person to be there. Unfortunately, that's not how things work out.
Dean and Sam were sitting in front of the TV yelling at the contestants of a particularly bad game show. Dean had shown a knack for knowing a lot of pop culture references whilst Sam always managed to get general knowledge.
At the sound of the door closing, Dean and Sam looked around and Dean quickly averted his gaze, downing his bottle of beer in one.
"Hey, Cas, I thought you were studying," Sam said, scratching the top of his head.
Cas gingerly put down his books, pursing his lips and avoiding looking anywhere near Dean. "I was." He said. "I just decided to finish early."
There was a moment of prolonged silence and then Sam switched off the TV set. "Right, that's it. I can't deal with it anymore. You two are going to talk through whatever bat-crap issues you have with each other and I am going to go out and get drunk." With that he got up and grabbed his coat, flinging it on. Cas moved to try and stop him but backed off as he remembered their height difference. Sam slammed the door behind him and silence again filled the room.
Dean rubbed his knees and put his beer on the floor before getting up, avoiding Cas' gaze completely.
"Save it." Dean said, still not looking at him. He licked his lips and stared at the ground, putting his hands on his hips. He shook his head and finally looked up. "Do you have any idea what you did to me? How embarrassed and stupid I felt?" He let out a laugh of disbelief and shook his head again. "It fucking hurt Cas. And I don't even know why. I don't get hurt by rejection. I just want to know why you ran off, and you didn't even provide an explanation. I've ran it through in my head about a hundred different times and I can't figure out a reason." He paused for breath and a small tear trickled from his eye. "Well? Go on."
Cas lost his voice. He looked away pointedly. Dean let out a laugh.
"You are fucking asshole," He informed him. "I'm leaving," He grabbed his coat and yanked it on moving towards the door.
"Dean," Cas said. "I…"
Dean stopped and narrowed his eyes. He said nothing as he moved once again towards the door.
"I got confused," Cas finally admitted.
Dean stopped again, his hand on the door handle. He didn't dare look around.
"I got confused because… Well I'm not gay. I've never been gay. And, I'm confused because I have genuine feelings for you. But I can't…" Cas breathed. He closed his eyes. "And I'm scared. I'm so scared about it all. I shouldn't feel this way. It's not right. It's not…"
"Not what? Natural?" Dean asked. "Then what the fuck do you think I am? Am I not natural?"
Cas tilted his head. Dean was more than natural. Dean was pure undeniable love and care. He was light and happiness but not without his darkness. Cas couldn't think of a more natural being.
"No, Dean," He said sniffing as he realised tears were rolling down his own cheeks. Dean paused, Cas was hurting. Instantly he felt guilty. Guilty for evening opening his mouth and letting him hurt Cas. "I meant… I don't know."
Cas moved towards him. "If you want to leave, you can. I just don't want this horrible thing between us."
"What horrible thing? The 'I love you' horrible thing, or the 'I hate you,' horrible thing?" Dean asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"The hate one," Cas said solemnly, playing with his fingers and looking down at his feet so Dean wouldn't see him as weak.
"I could never hate you Cas." Dean said after a beat.
Cas glanced up.
"I just don't know if I can love you," Dean continued.
Cas' knees buckled and he sat on the bed. His fingers knotted against the sheets. He nodded stiffly. "I understand." He whispered.
There was a jingle of keys and a slam of the door. Cas felt his heart drop through his stomach. Without kicking off his shoes, he rolled onto his bed, cradling his shaking body. Unable to cry and unable to move.
Sam must have come home a few hours later. Cas was still awake.
"How'd it go?" Sam asked. Cas didn't answer. Sam tried again. "Cas? You okay?"
Again, Cas felt no obligation to answer Dean's younger brother. There was nothing he could say that Dean wouldn't tell Sam himself. Sam sighed, and kicked off his shoes, rolling into his own bed and falling asleep almost instantly. Cas lay there, going over what he had said like it was a bad playlist. Unable to change the song and unable to do anything about it, Cas finally fell asleep in the early hours of the morning.
"Are you ever going to talk again?" Sam asked, handing Cas a coffee.
Cas blinked and looked up at Sam confused, his eyes burrowed in thought.
"I can see not," Sam sighed, sitting back down on his bed. "What happened last night?"
Cas took a sip of his coffee and shrugged. "Hasn't Dean told you?"
"Dean is about as open as the secrets of the universe," Sam said. "You would think nearly 18 years of living with him, I'd be able to tell what's going on in that funny little brain of his, but sadly this is not the case." Sam paused and pursed his lips. "But I do know that Dean isn't the type to work through his feelings. Nor come to me for help. He gives so much and I'm only saying this because I want to help him, like he helps me."
Cas knotted his fingers together.
"Whatever man," Sam said, finishing the last of his coffee. "Are you going home for Christmas?"
Cas pursed his lips. "No… I don't think I am."
"Yeah, well, Dean and I have really nowhere to go either." Sam said sighing. "But his stupid roommate is leaving for the break, so I'll be staying with him."
"Oh." Cas scratched his forehead. "Right."
Sam let out a huffy sigh. "Will you two please sort out whatever is going on between you, please? Jesus Christ, I want to be able to spend Christmas with my best friend and my brother and not have this fucking crap go on between you both."
Cas' jaw tightened. "I'm sorry Sam."
"Screw it," Sam said. "I might spend Christmas with Jess… I'm going to class."
"Sam…" Cas got up and practically followed Sam to the door. Sam looked around as he pulled on his coat.
"I'm sorry, I'll fix this." Cas promised.
"Mmhm," Sam nodded. "Okay, and when that fails, how bad is it going to be to have you still in the same room? Don't make these kind of promises that you obviously don't intend to keep." He paused and sighed. "I'm sorry Cas, but when it comes down to it, the entire crux of the whole matter, I will choose my brother's happiness over yours."
"I understand that," Cas said.
"Then dude, please, just work something out so that you two are able to sit in the same room together." Sam said. "Besides, I have stuff of my own to deal with."
"I never implied that you didn't," Cas said.
"Whatever man," Sam said, leaving. He nipped his head through the door again. "Oh and I have work tonight and won't finish till about half eight, so I'll grab a Chinese takeaway on the way home."
Cas nodded. "Remember, half portions for me,"
"Like I could forget," Sam replied, closing the door behind him.
Cas sat down on his bed and processed calmly what Sam had said to him. He was right, of course. This sort of thing couldn't continue. He couldn't have Dean constantly angry with him. He wanted to fix it. With that thought in mind, he pulled on his over coat and grabbed his keys before making it out of the halls.
He had only visited Dean's place once or twice before, and that was before this entire mess started. Often just to give stuff he had left behind at their place, or to pay him back for the copious amounts of pizza and beer that he always brought with him.
Dean owned his own place though, just a few blocks down from the campus. He shared it with a roommate who also attended college, but from what Cas could work out, was not the best person to live with.
As he walked there, Cas tried to work out in his head what he would say to Dean, what kind of apology he could muster, and how they could strike a deal that was okay for both of them and at the same time they could keep Sam happy. Cas also knew that if Dean was given the choice, he would pick Sam over him any day. And that caused his entire muscles to ache with jealously. He just wanted Dean to understand where he was coming from, but the son of a bitch was too wrapped up in his own little world to see it. To see that Cas was so conflicted with his feelings towards Dean and to see that it was hurting him just as much.
As Cas approached the apartment block, he looked up and realised that he couldn't, or didn't want to go through it all again, with fear that something worse might happen this time around. He stood huddled in the cold before biting at his fear and making his way inside.
The stairs smelt as they usually did; of urine and stale alcohol, grimy walls and a railing that would cause Tuberculosis from just looking at it. Cas made his way upstairs silently, knowing that if he took the elevator he could get stuck or trod in something that wasn't actually human.
Dean's flat was situated on the third floor with an angry Romanian couple opposite who were either always arguing or always having sex. Today was obviously a day where they had been arguing because the boyfriend was outside having a cigarette cursing at her silently. He nodded towards Cas and offered him a cigarette, Cas kindly declining before knocking on the door.
It creaked open and Dean's flatmate leered out. "Oh, it's you," He said. "Dean!"
Dean opened the door and stared at Cas as his roommate made his way back into the flat. There was a crash and Dean turned bellowing; "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU BREAK NOW?!"
"Calm your fucking tits man, I didn't break a goddamn thing, your fucking lamp was in the way,"
"It was on the fucking coffee table you asshole," Dean replied.
"I'll pay for a new one,"
"That's what you said about the TV as well," Dean muttered. He turned to Cas and frowned. "What do you want?"
"I want to… I want to talk." Cas said, clearing his throat.
Dean sighed and closed the door behind him. "Hey Mr Gregor, could you give us some privacy?" He asked, looking over at his neighbour who shook his head and pointed at his door behind which Cas and Dean could hear her swear and curse his name.
"I guess not," Dean said. "Fine. Come on." He checked his pockets before reaching back into his flat and grabbing his coat, then without even glancing towards Cas he began to make his way down the stairs.
"Your roommate seems to be causing you more grief than usual," Cas said.
"Well done genius," Dean grunted. "He was smoking dope about an hour ago and hasn't crashed yet. So that'll be fun."
"How have you been?" Cas asked.
Dean turned, his eyes glazing over Cas before shaking his head. "I've been better. You?"
"I would say the same,"
"Sammy sent you here didn't he?" Dean asked, opening the door and stepping out into the blistering cold.
"Partly," Cas said.
He narrowed his eyes. "Sure. Okay, whatever you say man." He cleared his throat and walked over to his parked car. "Get in," He ordered. Cas obliged, getting into the passenger's seat, his hands tight together. Dean started up the car, putting it in gear and hitting the main road. He didn't want there to be a scene, especially on a street that people casually walked by, sticking their noses into business that wasn't their own. They sat in silence as Dean pulled the car up to a tiny deserted car park outside a school, a few blocks away. He parked it and switched the radiator on sighing deeply.
"Okay. Talk." He said.
Cas cleared his throat. "I just want to apologise for everything that I put you through. It wasn't fair."
"No it wasn't." Dean said.
"I led you on, and I feel terrible about it."
"And I wouldn't be surprised if you never spoke to me again."
For this, Dean was silent. He turned his head slightly and his lips made a soft 'O' shape then he looked away again. "Right."
Cas blinked, staring at Dean intently.
"Jesus Christ Cas," Dean said. "Who cares if you're gay, straight, asexual, bisexual or whatever the fuck you want to be." He sighed and leaned back running his fingers through his hair. "I just thought that there would be a part of you that didn't care, so long as you were with a person who made you happy. Who made you feel good to be alive. And I'm not just referring to myself here, even if we don't do anything; you've got to sort yourself out for any future partners that you might have."
Cas didn't say anything. He doubted that he would feel this way about another man, let alone someone who wasn't Dean.
"Okay, talk to me," Dean said. "Commitment issues? Had a girlfriend but lost her? What? Talk to me."
Cas licked his lips. "I've always been sure of who I was." He said. "Straight, from a large, quite religious family, and uncomplicated…Then…"
"Then I show up." Dean chuckled. "Can't deny it, I'm adorable."
"Cut the crap Dean," Cas said. "I see straight through it,"
Dean's smile faded quickly, he glanced down at his knees and cleared his throat. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Cas spoke again.
"My full name isn't just Cas," He said tiredly.
"Oh?" Dean raised an eyebrow.
"Sounds like a brand of soap,"
Cas threw his head back and laughed. "It does, doesn't it? Mum and dad thought they were having a girl, they wanted to call me 'Cassie' but of course I wasn't quite what they had in mind. Pressured for names they called me Castiel instead. Cas was used to stop the bullying."
"Well if it's any consolation, I like Castiel." Dean said.
"You'd be the only one," Cas rubbed his knees and leaned back, his head hitting the seat softly. "What now?"
Dean sighed. "I don't know." He half smiled before shaking his head. "A few years ago, there was this guy, and I… Well I didn't know I was bisexual at the time. And he made me feel so confused and so angry. And I couldn't deal with him. I couldn't go around acting like I wasn't attracted. I think it would have hurt less if he was more accepting, but he found out and he called me a freak, made me feel worse than I already did. So I know how confused and angry and whatever you are feeling right now. Probably more so than you think,"
"I don't think you know how I feel." Cas muttered, twisting his fingers, he looked up at Dean, his eyebrows upturned and his eyes shining.
"Hey come on man," Dean said. "Don't mess with me. Not again."
"I'm so sorry Dean." Cas said, his hands reached over to Dean's and he grasped them tightly. "I was just scared. Dean stared at his hands as Cas held them, he turned himself so that he was facing the other boy and gently tucked his hand under Cas' chin. Stroking it silently, he leaned forward and kissed him gently. Cas kissed back. Their lips parted and they smiled at each other. Dean moved closer, his arms wrapping around Cas' waist. Cas bit down on Dean's bottom lip, their eyes flickering open.
"Are you okay with this?" Dean asked.
Cas nodded gingerly. "Yeah. Yeah I am."
"Then we have to move to the back, otherwise this is going to get uncomfortable." Dean said.
Cas' eyes widened, they were going to have sex now? He only just admitted his feelings for Dean. Then again, Cas had never felt more turned on. Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea. Dean had moved to the back seat, leaning up against the window. As Cas moved to join him, he unbuttoned his shirt. He lay on the back seat and waited for Dean.
"Just, stop me if you don't want to go any further," Dean said. "I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do." Cas bit his lips and nodded stiffly and Dean tilted his head. "You are okay with this, aren't you?"
Cas smiled and nodded. "Yeah, sorry, I just… No, I want this," He continued to nod.
Dean grinned and leaned forward, his hand moving across Cas' neck down his chest and towards his belt buckle. There was a clang of metal and Cas felt Dean's hand reach down and tug at his penis. He groaned and fell back against the leather upholstery. Dean lowered himself and pressed his lips against the head of Cas' cock and licked it, then with a little pressure, he began to move his mouth up and down. Cas bit down on his tongue trying to stop himself from moaning out in pleasure.
Dean began to pick up the pace, moving back and forward, he reached with his hand and tugged at Cas' balls and Cas fell back. "Fuck," He murmured through gritted teeth. Dean looked up, letting go of Cas' cock, moving closer to him but still holding it in his hand. With gentle but sturdy force he began to tug and move his hand up and down.
Cas groaned again and pulled Dean towards him, kissing him passionately and giving one last tug, just to make sure that he was fully turned on. Dean gave a lopsided grin before slowly unbuckling his own belt and pulling down his jeans. He gently rubbed Cas' balls, his hands stretching down to Cas' ass. He felt the opening with some trepidation.
"Sh," Dean muttered. "Relax," He leaned down and put his tongue against the opening, licking. Cas felt himself tightening up and Dean looked up again. "Cas, you need to relax, otherwise it's gonna hurt like a bitch,"
Cas pursed his lips, his body still recuperating from Dean's impressive blowjob. He leaned back and let Dean continue. Once Dean was finished licking, he gently took two fingers and massaged Cas' anus. He circled it and Cas groaned, touching his own hard cock.
"Easy Trench Coat," Dean said softly. "I haven't even started yet." He inserted another finger and continued to flex. There was a tear of a condom packet opening and Dean leaned back away from Cas for a moment. Cas closed his eyes and then felt a sharp pain, he gasped out but was met by the force of Dean kissing him. He broke apart, breathing deeply. "I told you to relax."
Cas took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, feeling Dean's cock push into him. Dean let out a groan and fell onto Cas and then began to move up and down, slow at first as he kissed Cas' neck and chest. Dean got faster and forgot to kiss, groaning out in pleasure.
"Fuck," Cas moaned as Dean pushed harder and harder into him going faster. Dean slowed down muttering swears and curses. "Keep going," Cas said, trying to catch his breath, he grabbed his cock and yanked at it aggressively, holding tightly as he felt himself coming.
Dean was growing red as he began to speed up again, anticipating his orgasm. Cas arched the back of his head and then felt a huge sense of relief wash over him. He looked down and saw the white come over his torso and hipbones. Dean let out a final last groan and then began to shake gently. He was panting and fell onto Cas, kissing him gently. He lifted himself out and Cas sat up, Dean resting in his arms.
Because of the little space the back seat gave them, Cas sat up, feeling the cold window pane against his skin. But he was with Dean, and Dean made everywhere just a tiny bit better.
Cas arrived back at his room about an hour later, still buzzing from his experience. Sam was sitting on his bed with his laptop out on his knees and about a dozen textbooks open around him. He glanced up at Cas as he entered the room.
"Hey," He said.
"Hey," Cas sat down on the edge of his bed. "I thought you were going to be with Jess tonight,"
Sam sighed. "I was, then we got this huge assignment. Figured I couldn't leave it till last minute like the last one," He sighed and folded his arms. "So, did you and Dean fix your issues."
The thought of Dean made Cas go red. Sam raised an eyebrow.
"I take it you're on better terms now?" He asked.
Cas didn't say a word.
Sam jumped up and pointed at Cas. "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN!"
Cas was taken aback, blinking up at Sam. "What?"
Sam sat back down again and grinned stupidly. "Like I haven't been planning this for weeks."
Cas' mouth dropped open. "You've been planning this?"
"Yeah," Sam laughed. "Jesus Christ! I mean, you did hook up, didn't you?"
"Well," Cas looked at his feet. "Yeah…"
Sam hollered and stood up again, pumping his fists into the air. "I AM A GOD! I AM AMAZING! I AM ELLEN DEGENERES!"
"Woah, slow down there Ellen," Cas said. "You set us up?"
"Yeah," Sam said. "Well I had to; it was obvious you and Dean had feelings for each other. So I had to do something."
Cas simply gaped.
"Don't rush to say thank you or anything," Sam said. "But be warned." He pointed a finger at Cas and lowered his gaze into something quite frightful. "You hurt my brother, I will make the rest of your college life something you will want to bleach out of your memory. You hear that?"
Cas nodded, wide eyed. Sam grinned and sat down practically bouncing up and down. Cas leaned back and ran his fingers through his hair. "You're alright with it?"
"As long as you don't tell me the nasty stuff and use protection," Sam shrugged. "What's there to be upset with?"
"I don't know, he's your brother, it might make things between us awkward," Cas said.
Sam sighed. "Cas, things between us are already awkward since you can't hold down a conversation for too long without getting flustered or embarrassed. Or you don't understand my amazing references to cult movies."
Cas considered this and then nodded. "Fair point."
There was a knock at the door and Dean entered, holding Cas' trench coat. "Hey," He said. "Cas, you left your overcoat in my car,"
"It's okay, you can call it a trench coat," Cas stood up and smiled. Sam bounced up and down again as if he was an excited puppy and Dean frowned with him.
"What's up with you Sammy?" He asked.
Sam grinned and glanced between Cas and Dean.
Dean frowned. "Did you tell him that we…?" He motioned between himself and Cas and tilted his head. Sam's expression turned from joy to disgust in a matter of seconds and turned away.
"Okay dude, too much information," He said.
Dean gave a smile. "Actually, Cas, can I talk to you in the hall for a moment?"
Cas folded his trench coat and placed it on the bed and followed Dean out into the Hall. Dean had his hands on his hips for a moment then looked at Cas.
"Look, I maybe hurried things a little," He said. "But you have to understand, I really like you. To the point where I want to say I love you but I can't because it's too early in the relationship."
"What are you trying to say?" Cas asked.
"Maybe I scared you off," Dean sighed. "I tend to do that a lot. But I want something meaningful out of this relationship."
Cas reached over and took Dean's hand in his. "Dean, you are worrying too much." He stroked his thumb and leaned close, kissing him softly, he nudged Dean's nose playfully and smiled. "I don't think I'm going to be leaving you any time soon."
If people want me to continue on and do more Destiel I might. But I'm so bad at writing relationship stuff.