A/N: Warnings: Slash. And this is rated T for a reason. Don't like, don't read. Some very slight OOC-ness, and a few inaccurate yet not important details. Please no flames. And this is total crack. You have been warned.
I also reference Chris Colfer's Struck by Lightning near the end. Even if you haven't read/seen it, it should still be somewhat funny. But if you HAVE, it will be even more hilarious.
What Goes on Behind Closed Doors
Guildenstern and Rosencrantz sat in one of the many grand libraries within Elsinore, trying to enjoy the gentle pace of the day thus far. Both were reading random books chosen only out of boredom. Their plush chairs faced perpendicular to one another. Rosencrantz had his feet propped up on a small wooden table, while Guildenstern had his feet resting on Rosencrantz's thighs. Guildenstern was only half-heartedly reading his book, mostly ignoring the words and escaping into his own mind. Rosencrantz was not truly interested in his selection either, preferring to fiddle with Guildenstern's shoelaces.
Finally, after he could bear it no longer, Guildenstern broke the silence. "Rosencrantz?"
"Yes, my good Guildenstern?" he replied, ignoring the laces and pretending to be very interested in his book.
"What are we doing, wasting an entire day here?" Guildenstern asked, closing his book and placing it on the table. "We have an entire castle to wander about! Not to mention permission from the King himself to spy on Hamlet! I say we get up and do something interesting for a change."
"You know what? You're right." Rosencrantz replied. He closed his book and stood up, letting Guildenstern's feet slide to the floor. "Come, let us relish the day." He and Guildenstern left the library and headed down the halls, standing a bit closer than necessary for the width of the hallways.
They wandered though the seemingly endless corridors for what felt like hours. Nevertheless, both young men thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Rosencrantz would tell jokes that Guildenstern would always laugh at, no matter how pathetic they were. Seeing Guildenstern's dark, nearly black, indigo eyes light up in such laughter would always make Rosencrantz feel just a bit giddy inside.
Suddenly, as they passed by one of the guest rooms, Guildenstern stopped and turned his head as if concentrating.
"What is it?" Rosencrantz asked, but Guildenstern silenced him by putting a finger over his lips and holding up his hand. Rosencrantz stopped and tilted his head to listen.
A soft moan was heard behind the door. The boys looked up and locked eyes with each other. Guildenstern wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Now they were both intrigued.
But what they heard next was when it became truly interesting.
Another moan was heard, followed by "Oh, my lord!"
Their mouths dropped open. Was that who they thought it was?!
"Please, Horatio, I told you to stop calling me that." Another voice said.
If it was even possible, more shock filled their faces. There was no way…
"But my lord, you can't tell me it isn't captivating…" the first voice began.
"'Ratio…" the second warned.
"Fine," the first agreed, though they could hear the smile in his voice. Another, much louder moan was heard.
Unable to contain themselves any longer, they burst through the door.
Hamlet had Horatio backed up against a wall, their mouths fully occupied with each other's. Hamlet's shirt and coat were strewn on the floor and Horatio's arms were wrapped around his bare torso. Horatio's shirt was over halfway removed, with Hamlet's hands having lifted it up past his ribcage.
"Oh my god!" Rosencrantz exclaimed. "What are you doing?!"
"Hamlet!" shouted Guildenstern.
"Horatio!" Rosencrantz screamed.
The two lovers broke apart and looked in shock toward their discoverers. However, their arms remained firmly wrapped around each other.
"We must go tell the King!"
"Does Ophelia know about this?"
Horatio pulled his shirt down and began waving his arms frantically. "No no no! This isn't what is looks like!" His entire face blushed scarlet.
"Please, 'Ratio. Why try to lie? These men know what they've seen." Hamlet's arms were crossed over his bare, very toned chest.
"My lord, this is quite shocking," Rosencrantz began. "This is insane! This is…"
"Oh please," Hamlet argued. "It's not like you two haven't done worse." He gestured to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Both their faces turned cherry red and they began to fidget uneasily.
"What?!" Horatio's jaw dropped.
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Guildenstern tried to defend himself.
"Are you kidding me?" Hamlet quirked an eyebrow questioningly. "These two shared a dorm next to mine back in Wittenberg, and nearly every night I'd hear these two goin' at it. 'Oh Rosencrantz!', 'Dear Guildenstern!', 'Oh, oh!'" he mocked them.
Off to the side, Horatio was poorly attempting to suppress giggles.
The entire time the two boys in question grew more and more embarrassed, and slowly moved apart from each other.
"I'll tell you what," Horatio said through laughs. "How about we just call it even, then? How about we get some clothes on," he said this to Hamlet in particular, "and all FOUR of us go grab a bite to eat together?"
There were grumbles and nods as Hamlet re-clothed himself and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern left to change clothes.
About ten minutes later, they all met up in the main hall of the castle. Hamlet and Horatio had both brushed their hair and put on nicer coats. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern had also dressed nicer and now adorned matching black cloaks.
"Are we all set to go?" Horatio asked.
"Absolutely!" Guildenstern responded happily. He and Rosencrantz took the lead, still walking a bit too close to each other.
"Um, Rosencrantz?" Hamlet asked.
"What is on your cloaks?" He gestured to said clothing articles.
"Oh, well mine has a bat symbol on it and his has a red bird."
"We're not really sure what they mean, but they seem fitting, so it doesn't matter." Guildenstern shrugged.
Hamlet and Horatio simply looked at each other, shrugged, and continued on their way.