There just aren't enough cigarettes in the world. Zayn knows this for sure. He's not just the occasional smoker, oh, no, he's like a chimney. He has to be, and it's all because of him. His packs of cigarettes have been diminishing faster and faster ever since the boy he's in love with shattered his heart.
But he doesn't believe it. He can't. He's never known the pain of being rejected. Nobody ever rejected him. Not to the point that it hurt, anyway. It was only Niall that could do this to Zayn.
He takes another draw of his cigarette, and he sucks the smoke deep into his lungs to the point that he nearly gasps for air. He exhales a trail of smoke and sighs as he tosses what's left of the cigarette into the ash tray. He looks into his pack of cigarettes to find that he's just burned the last of the pack. Fuck, he thinks.
It was just another cigarette down, and there was many more to come.
One late night, Zayn finds himself able to stumble to a familiar door. He's not exactly wasted; he's only had one or two drinks...or five. He pounds on the door until it suddenly opens. It nearly sends him flying forward into the floor. His body is stopped, however, by a very familiar blonde...Niall.
"Niall," Zayn grunts out.
"Zayn, wha' d'you want? You're drunk," Niall says, almost as if he's annoyed. This isn't the first time that Zayn has stumbled to Niall's door when he's piss drunk, trying to get Niall to want him. Zayn never took any action on it. Not until now.
"I...I want...you," Zayn mutters, his lips trembling. "I... I just...kiss me."
Niall sighs. "Don't do this..please," Niall says, his eyes pleading with Zayn to just go away and go to sleep.
"Why can't I!" Zayn's almost yelling. He doesn't know if it's just the booze, but Niall rejecting him is making him angry.
Zayn doesn't even give Niall the time to answer. He's already grabbing for him. He grabs Niall roughly at the back of his neck and pulls him towards him. Niall stands deathly still. He's not going to fight with him. It's not worth it. He knows this by now.
Zayn attacks Niall's neck with his lips, pressing hard, bruising kisses down his neck. All he wants to do is make it known that Niall is his and no one else's. That's how it should be, anyway. He grazes the skin with his teeth until he's practically sucking the life out of Niall's neck. He stops when a reddish-purple mark appears onto the skin.
"You're mine," Zayn whispers into his ear.
He releases Niall, looking like a deer in headlights, who takes no time to withdraw back into his room and shut the door.
Feeling rather triumphant, Zayn drags himself to his room and into bed.
He doesn't know if it's the booze or the fact that the sober Zayn would feel horribly guilty about what he has just done to Niall, but that night he can't help but cry himself to sleep.
Upon waking up, Zayn has a horrible headache, but it's nothing new at this point. He groans and continues to lie in his bed. If he had it his way, he'd never get out of it. He can hear the lads talking in the next room.
"Think you might've had too much fun last night, Nialler," Liam says. "Look at the size of that thing! How in the world are you going to cover that up?"
"I bet that one bird gave that to you," Harry says.
"You mean the one that you told to kindly get off of you because you're gay?" Louis asks.
"Yeah, that one. Think she wanted her way with all of us. Obviously Niall the most."
"No, it wasn't her..or anyone. I don't really wanna talk 'bout it," Niall says. Zayn cringes at the sound of hearing Niall's voice when the memory of last night's events come flooding back to him.
They don't talk for two days. They hardly look at each other at all. As much as Zayn doesn't want anyone else to notice, they do.
"What's going on between you two?" Liam asks, looking puzzled. "You guys are never like this."
"Nothing," they both say in unison, never looking up from their laps.
One day Zayn breaks the silence.
"Niall," he says, looking at Niall, hoping he'll give him so much as a glance.
"Wha'?" Niall asks, his eyes never meeting Zayn's.
"'M sorry," Zayn says. "I'm sorry for being me."
"'S fine. Can't be helped."
Damn, was he right. It couldn't be helped. Zayn couldn't be helped. Not after he'd gotten himself so deep into this. He almost wanted to hate Niall for making him fall in love with him. But he couldn't hate Niall...He loved him too much. Too much.
This is bloody ridiculous, Zayn decides. He's lost his best friend over this. Why'd he have to bloody fall in love with him anyway? Who the hell does Niall think he is? Niall fucking Horan? ..Well, he has him there. He can still remember the day that Niall didn't reciprocate his feelings...
"'M so glad we have the day off," Niall said as he and Zayn entered the apartment. He plopped down onto the leather cheeky little leprechaun patted the seat beside him, inviting the raven-haired boy to sit with him. Zayn didn't hesitate. Niall turned the TV on with the clicker, and they watched a show that Zayn didn't even know the name of, but honestly, he didn't care. He was more interested in looking at Niall. It was embarrassing to think that they were best friends, yet Zayn had had a crush on the blonde for so long. No, it was more than a crush. Zayn bloody loved him. He'd been debating for quite some time about whether he should tell Niall that he loved him or if he should just blow it off. Confessing to the Irish boy meant that he could lose him as a friend forever. It also meant that maybe, just maybe, Niall felt the same way. But no, there was no way of that happening. If he didn't confess, he'd keep Niall as a friend but never know what could've been. But..there wouldn't been anything that could've been, because Niall wasn't interested..or was he? No. He couldn't be.
Zayn stretched his arm out to rest it on top of the sofa, just right above Niall's head. He couldn't help but look at the blonde and smile. Niall just had that effect on him. Niall caught Zayn's gaze and smiled back at him. God, he loved his smile. It was so contagious, it could make anyone smile. It sure made Zayn smile.
Suddenly, Niall shifted in his seat and brought his head down to rest his head on Zayn's shoulder. Zayn felt his cheeks and neck start to burn but all he did in response was grin. He was glad that Niall wasn't able to see him from the crook of his neck.
"Jus' gonna use ya as a pillow, 'kay?" But it wasn't a question, Niall was going to use him as a pillow no matter what Zayn had to say about it.
"'Kay, babe," Zayn said, still grinning. Pet names weren't uncommon between the lads, but once Niall knew the truth, he definitely wouldn't want Zayn to call him any of them anymore.
They sat in silence for some time. Zayn knew he had to tell him.
Still no response.
He nudged Niall's head with his shoulder. The blonde shot up from Zayn suddenly.
"Huh, wha'?" Niall asked, obviously confused.
"Did you..did you just fall asleep on me?!" Zayn asked, quite amused.
"Yeah, why?" Niall asked, grinning.
Zayn chuckled at his friend..who he thought of as more than a friend.
"Nialler, I love you," Zayn said, not even realizing what he was saying. Fuck! he thought.
"Love you too, Zaynie," Niall smiled.
"Well actually.." Oh God, this was it. There was no turning back now. Zayn's thoughts were racing, contemplating what exactly he should do next.
"I love you as...more than a friend," the words escaped Zayn's lips like vomit. If words were vomit, he'd've been eating it back up at that moment. He regretted it as soon as he said it. He wasn't ready to lose Niall.
For a moment in time, everything was completely silent. In that moment, he couldn't even hear the noise of the TV.
The look on Niall's face was obviously not a face of one who reciprocated the feelings. He looked..scared. His mouth hung slightly open, and his eyes were wide. His eyes were completely locked on Zayn, as if he had the power to kill Zayn with the stone stare. At least, that's what Zayn thought it looked like.
"Fuck," Zayn murmured. "You hate me..."
Niall finally spoke. "N-no..I don't hate you, mate...I could never hate you. I'm..shocked, to say the least. I just..I wish I knew what to say exactly.."
"You don't need to say anything," Zayn said. "Just..forget this ever happened..Please, Niall.. Please, forget I ever said it. I want to be your best friend, if nothing else. I can't lose you."
Zayn was thankful that he didn't lose Niall that day..But nothing was ever quite the same again.
Zayn's having a cigarette out on the balcony, blowing out clouds of smoke. Inhale. Exhale. Whenever he smokes, he feels like everything's all right. He doesn't get that feeling often enough.
"...Zayn?" He hears the Irish accent he loves so much. He turns around, and there's Niall standing behind him.
"Hi..." Zayn says quietly.
Niall comes over to Zayn so that he's standing beside him. He says nothing at first, only stares out into what's in front of him.
"Zayn, why do you smoke?" he finally asks.
"Helps me..Makes me feel good," Zayn shrugs.
"Can I have one?" Niall asks.
"'s a bad habit, Nialler, you don't wanna pick it up...'s not good for you," Zayn shakes his head at the blonde. He realizes that he hasn't called Niall "Nialler" in a long time, and he misses calling him that.
"'s not good for you, either, but you still do it," Niall states.
"Why'd you come out here? To tell me to quit smoking? Is that it, Niall?" The tone of his voice comes off a bit more aggressive than he wanted it to. This was Niall, after all, the Niall that's supposed to be his Niall.
"No, I just wanted to ask you if you'd do something for me..."
Zayn would do anything for Niall, and Niall knows it, too.
Zayn nearly chokes, so he sets his cigarette down in the ash tray. "Wh-what?"
"I just want to try it. Will you..let me?" Niall asks.
Zayn doesn't know what to do. He wants to kiss Niall. He wants to kiss Niall so bad. But he doesn't want to kiss him if Niall doesn't feel anything for him. He doesn't want to be an experiment. He doesn't want it to be a one time thing. But he really just wants to kiss Niall.
"Y-yeah...If you want.."
Zayn isn't sure where to go from here. He's kissed a lot of people. A lot of people. But he's never been in love before. Not until he fell in love with Niall.
He steps closer to Niall. Niall stands still where he is.
"Now?" he asks the blonde for confirmation.
"Yeah," Niall says.
Zayn still doesn't feel so sure that Niall really wants this. He inches closer to Niall's face and pauses. Niall just nods. Zayn places his hands at either side of Niall's waist and pulls him in closer until their lips meet in a soft kiss. His kiss is returned as their lips move together slowly. Zayn honestly wishes that the moment he's in could last forever. Unfortunately, it didn't, though, when Niall pulled back.
All Zayn wants to do is grin the biggest grin, but he doesn't want to do so until Niall reacts.
Niall's face is all too familiar. It's the same face he gave him when he confessed that he loved him.
Zayn grimaced. "Do you hate me now?"
"No! No..It was just..it was kinda weird. I don't know how to feel 'bout it, to be honest."
Fuckin' figures, Zayn thought.
That night, Niall comes home more drunk than he's been in a long time. Zayn hasn't gone out tonight, but he's had a couple of drinks himself at home. He's not drunk enough to have no idea what he's doing, but he's also not quite sober enough to be able to make good judgment and will simply act on impulse.
Niall never says anything to Zayn when he comes in..He only does something that completely catches him off guard. Out of nowhere, Niall slams Zayn into the wall, kissing him hard. He licks along Zayn's top lip before he jams his tongue into Zayn's mouth. Niall tastes like whiskey, but Zayn doesn't care. It's Niall. For once, he wants to feel loved by Niall. He's wanted to feel it for so long.
When he stops kissing Zayn, he says, "I fuckin' love you."
"Don't say that if you don't mean it," Zayn warns. Drunk people will say anything; he knows that for sure.
"But I do..I love ya..Can' when 'm sober...'m 'fraid to."
"Wish you weren't," Zayn says.
"Then change my mind," Niall says.
"I would if I knew how."
"I want you...I want ya to...rock me."
Zayn can't help but smirk at the title dropping and thinks that Niall's just trying to be funny. But it's Niall's lack of response that shows him that he wasn't kidding. Instead, Niall only gives him a look. A look that pleads with him.
"P-please..?" Niall asks, his eyes never leaving Zayn's.
Zayn would never do this to Niall. Maybe someone else, but not Niall. He loves Niall. Or at least, he'd have the sense not to do this to Niall if he were in his right mind. But he's not, not quite. He's drunk, too. Right now, he just wants to feel like he's loved. More specifically, he wants to feel he's loved from Niall. No, he doesn't just want to; he needs to. Zayn, if he were in his right mind, would realize that he's being incredibly selfish, but right now, he just doesn't care.
Their lips reattach, and it's like Zayn's whole body is on fire. Their movements were rapid; Zayn feels like Niall could never be too close to him, so he pulls him in even closer as Niall tangles his fingers in Zayn's raven-colored hair. Zayn's stomach tightens at the thought that this could go much farther than just this. The drunken Niall obviously wants more, and Zayn convinces himself that somewhere inside of Niall, the sober Niall wants it, too.
..Which is why Zayn goes through with it. He guides Niall into his bedroom, kicking the door shut, and the rest was history.
Niall stumbles back onto the bed, followed by Zayn on top of him. Niall's fumbling hands are trying to rid Zayn of all of his clothes, but he can't seem to figure out how to do so. He obviously gets frustrated by this, but finally decides that he'd better just let Zayn take care of that. Once their clothes have been shed in unorganized piles on the floor, Zayn lays Niall back onto the bed as he places his knees on either side of the drunken blonde's body. Neither of them even bother with foreplay at this point; they simply get down to business.
As Zayn is preparing him for what's to come next, he slips a finger into Niall's entrance, followed by a second digit and a third soon after. Niall gasps and asks Zayn what he's doing and tells him that it feels funny. Niall's body is already a sloppy drunken mess, but Zayn's just going to wreck him even more. When Zayn figures that he's ready, he wastes no time to get inside of Niall. It was exactly as Zayn imagined it; the walls were soft, but extremely tight. At first, Niall growls like an animal. His drunken pink face turns a ghostly shade of white. His body writhes underneath Zayn. Niall wants to scream, but Zayn tells him that they have to be quiet, so Niall disgrungtingly complies. They're not very loud; the room is only filled with soft moans and gasps.
After some time, Zayn lifts Niall's body up and shifts him so that they are face-to-face, bodies still molded together, and Niall sleepily lies his head on Zayn's shoulder. He sinks his nails into his back, making Zayn shudder. That's going to leave a mark...A mark that proves that Zayn is Niall's. They stay still in this position until they finish, since the two drunken boys are nearly being claimed by slumber, so that was that. He slips out of Niall, and almost as soon as he does, they both fall asleep on each other.
Despite how sloppy it was, Zayn still thought it was amazing, because it was Niall. Niall can make anything amazing.
When Zayn wakes up, he feels euphoric as the memory of last night comes flooding back to him. He wonders if it was only just a dream. It has to be. There's no way it wasn't just a figment of his imagination. Judging by the sight beside him, however, it was anything but.
He smiles at the tangled body of Niall beside him. He's hoping that after last night, Niall will no longer be able to just brush him off. He continues to lie in bed and watch the gorgeous blonde sleep. Before long, Niall's eyes flutter open. From the look of his face, he's obviously got a horrible headache. Niall's eyes grow wider as he notices that Zayn is laying beside him.
"Zayn...what are you doing in my bed?" he asks, confused. "And why does my arse hurt so much? And why are you...Why am I...Oh, fuck." The Irish boy groans. Zayn watches as the blonde he loves so much says nothing at all, but picks up his clothes and runs into the bathroom and closes the door behind him.
Zayn's almost certain that Niall hates him. He panics as he thinks about what could happen. He'll have to quit the band. All because he made a stupid mistake last night. An incredibly stupid mistake. He can't believe how selfish he was. Ever since Zayn fell in love with Niall, he's done nothing but try to make Niall fall in love with him, all of his attempts being unsuccessful.. Well, now he knows for sure that Niall will never love him. Not after this. Not after everything.
Zayn scrambles around the room to pick up his own clothes and puts them on quickly. He knows that he needs to get out of there, fast. He stops, though, as he passes the bathroom door. He hears the noise of sobbing. Fuck. He didn't want to make him cry. Not at all.
"N-Niall," he says against the door, not sure if he should even be talking to him at all.
"Zayn...P-please...I need to be alone," Niall says back.
It doesn't make sense to Zayn. Niall doesn't even seem angry, only sad. Zayn hates himself. He's turned his gorgeous snowflake into someone that he takes advantage of. All because he loves him. Loves him too much.
Where the hell did I leave my cigarettes? Zayn thinks annoyedly later that were in his pants pocket just the night before. Unless they fell out...Oh. If they had fallen out of his pocket, that means that they are in Niall's room. Zayn had no intention of seeing Niall anytime soon. Not after what he'd done to him. His only hope now is that he left them out on the balcony when he had a smoke last night..before everything else happened.
He walks outside, and he immediately wishes he hadn't. He's found his cigarettes, at least, but beside the pack of cigarettes is Niall, sitting against the railing with a cigarette between his lips.
"You..found my cigarettes," Zayn states simply.
"Yeah," Niall says. "You uh..left them on the floor in my room..Figured I'd get one myself since you'd never give me one."
"I had good reasoning not to," Zayn explains. "It's a bad habit."
Niall shrugs. "You do it." He puts the cigarette down in the ash tray, but he doesn't get up.
Zayn doesn't know if Niall wants him around at all, but as long as he's sitting there not running away from him, he's going to take this opportunity to talk to him. He plops down beside Niall and puts his back against the railing.
"I'm really sorry," he starts. "If I could just take it back, I would...I'd take back everything. I just.. can't help myself around you, Niall."
"What did I do..to make you think you could do that to me?" Niall doesn't seem upset; he only seems curious.
"You told me you loved me.."
Silence. Until finally...
Niall murmurs, "I do."
"I'm sorry, what?" Zayn asks. He's certain that he's heard Niall wrong.
"I love you," Niall repeats.
"You really do?"
"Zayn, I'm afraid...I've liked you for a long time. I just kept waiting for it to pass like all of my other crushes have, but it didn't..It caught me so off guard..I'm not gay. I'm definitely not gay. And..I don't know. I literally don't know. I've never been in a relationship before. Every time you tell me you love me...it scares me. Nobody's ever loved me and I just..I love you, Zayn. And I don't want to get hurt."
"I wouldn't hurt you, Nialler," Zayn assures him. "Not if I can help it..I love you too much."
Zayn doesn't need to be told twice. Niall moves in closer to him as Zayn snakes his arm around Niall's shoulder. Niall brings his hand up to entwine his fingers with Zayn's. Zayn smiles at his touch. Niall brings his head down to rest it on Zayn's shoulder. Within minutes, Zayn's got a sleeping Niall Horan on his shoulder, and he doesn't even mind.
That's the moment that Zayn decides that there are enough cigarettes in the world after all, and this he knows for sure.