Authors ramble ramble
This is for the wonderful KiterieAine, once known as SumiHatake. She's my idol for KakaIru stories. So if you want a great story go to her and check out her works. She's not just a KakaIru story writer she writers other Naruto couples such as ShikaKibaShika, GenHaya, RaiGen, KoIzu, GaixTenzou, TenzouxIruka, KakashixTenzou, KakashixIrukaxTenzou, NejiTen, as well as non-yaoi stories of Iruka, Kakashi, Sakura, Sai, and Yuri SakuTen. AND . . . OMG there is more her wonderful Original character stories as well!
Little Bit More About The Plot!
Anyway, about the story . . . It's based off Iruka's first person view. It starts in present time after their last fight of the fourth month and then switches back and forth between present and Iruka remembering the past of how it started and how it just got worse, why the very last part is in Kakash's point of view. The story was a thought off this AMV "When you're gone." which a person on Youtube used doujin's from Halco and some others and to create a story and so I decided to make my story using that song as well as "Fall to Pieces" by Avril Lavinge. I changed the lyrics to fit the story.
No Beta: Please Note me if you are interested.
Main Characters: Iruka Umino, Kakashi Hatake
Side Characters: Genma Shiranui, Anko Mitarashi, Konohamaru Sarutobi, Unknown ANBU Officer, Tsunade Senju
Side Characters Mentioned: Naruto Uzumaki, Sakura Haruno, Sai Hohoemi, Gai-sensei, Frog Nin at Mount Myōboku, Kakashi's Ninken
Main Pairings: KakaIru
Side Pairing Hints/Mentions: None
Warnings: Shounen-ai, Distant Kakashi and Angry Iruka, Lots of Crying mostly Iruka, Foul Language, Character Death (O.O Oh no!)
Gene's: Hurt/Comfort, WHAM (Wrenching, Heart-Aching Moments), Tragedy, Drama and Angst
Disclaimer: Do not own characters, but I do own the plot and story.
Summary: After 5yrs of a happy relationship, Kakashi starts acting distant, disappearing for weeks and refusing to speak of where he's been. It's been four months now since it started and it's crushing his lover Iruka. Who feels like his heart cannot take anymore. Will Iruka figure out his lover's secret, before it's too late?
"When you're gone,
the face I came to know is missing too.
When you're gone,
the pieces of my heart are missing you.
But when you're gone,
in the end I don't wanna fall to pieces."
Iruka Umino know as a happy-go-lucky, easily irritated, scary when mad guy and beloved teacher of the future Shinobi, adopted father of Naruto Uzumaki and lover of the legendary Sharingan Kakashi Hatake. Was currently leaning up against the north side of the Shinobi Academy wall with his cheek and palms pressed tightly against the rough icy cold building as he shut his eyes tightly due to the over whelming feeling of hot, burning tears threatening to find their way to the surface yet again.
The name came out in a choked whisper as he slid down the wall in defeat before he let out a bitter sob as he pulled his knees in and opened his eyes to look up at the sky to view the twinkling stars above. It was sad to admit that it was true; he was here at the school awaiting his class to begin, even before the sun was a twinkle in the night sky's eyes. Nevertheless, to him being in this dark was more bearable than being in the dark of his and his partner's large empty, suffocating house to listen to even more unbearable deafening silence.
This was all due to the air becoming stale over months, which lead to what had happened only days ago that completely zapped all warmth that had struggled to burn. It was all because the bitter cold words not only just from his but also from his partner's mouth as well. Therefore, that bright living space they had once shared and had come to love so much had become a dark musty prison to painful memories. Nevertheless, even now, as far away from their place as he could stumble away the nightmares seemed to have followed him; Like a pack of savage dogs waiting for their kill.
The long drawn out battle over four months had finally ended and the Junín he had come to love with every piece of his heart and soul, who he had shared five years of a happy life with, had gone and created the biggest fight of their life. Shattering his every being as if what they shared had been nothing to him. No fight, as many as he could remember and pull together adding that huge one about Naruto and their two other students about the exams could come anywhere near as nasty or as drawn out as this one had.
He could finally come out of denial of not wanting to believe anything the other had done or spoken. Now however, it was there sunk deep into the ground of his mind like a never-ending hole.
'Why, oh kami, why?' was all he could ask himself now and with that thought he closed his eyes as the tears fell silently down his cheeks making them even colder because of the cool breeze that swept over his face and he began to think back to four months ago when it all started. . . .
It had been the morning after a long night of drinking which had been a surprise celebration orchestrated by non-other than his partner Kakashi. He had just come back from his first mission in quite a long time and it had gone on without mishap. So the Junín insisted on going to the bar to drink to it and when they had gotten there all their friends were gathered around cheering and praising him on a mission well done. It was then he realized what had been done and he could not for the life of him help but feel all fluffy and excited inside. His lone dog had willingly gathered with his friends without a fight, to put this together for him.
See Kakashi, had never been one for another company. Even after all this time of being his partner; A man was known to never like the silence of being alone and who had always tried his hardest to get attention from others, had never dropped his vibe of silver-haired anti-social man. However that night he had worked perfectly with all Iruka's friends just so he would know not only was he proud of him but so where all them.
He'd been so over whelmed with emotions, he was unable to speak and soon burst into tears of happiness that had caused the older man to worry that what he had done was wrong. Soon the bar was bursting with laughter at the scene 'Mr. Never Show His Emotions' was displaying as he fussed over his over emotional Iruka. After celebrating and getting far too many drinks in them, they went home and he was sure he had passed out on his poor horny partner during playtime.
The next morning they had their sleep interrupted when an ANBU suddenly appeared near the door of the room unannounced which had caused Kakashi to become overly irritated for some odd reason.
"As a former ANBU I know that in some cases entering a room without consent is needed in dire emergencies but seeing as this isn't, I do hope in the future you will learn to use my door and knock before entering my personal bedroom."
His voice was cold, drawn tight in irritated tone. Which at the time had startled me because he was not one to speak that way to any of the Hokage's messengers, especially one of ANBU status. I wondered what the reaction the other Shinobi had. However, like always, you could not see their face. Therefore, if the Jōnin had stuck fear into that man behind the mask the other showed no sign of it in his voice as he spoke.
"Hokage-sama wants to see you as soon as possible Hatake, good day Umino." He gave a nod in my direction before vanishing in a cloud of smoke.
This made me blink as I tried to clear the sleep from my eyes. I was stunned because I had never been spoken to by an ANBU in that way even after all this time being with the other. They had always ignored me as if I had not existed. As I cleared my head, I looked up to see Kakashi staring at the spot the other had been only minutes before.
"Mmm-mission time." I muttered in a sleepy tone and his face softened as he turned to me, leaning over me as he pulled his mask down to take my lips for a quick kiss.
"More than likely, but I wouldn't worry yourself unless you count that you are going to be late for your class a worry."
My eyes widen with his words and if I think back now he was and always will be a person capable of hiding all emotion. Nevertheless, there had been a small hint of bitterness in his words under that smile. However, I had not noticed then. I had been so occupied with jumping out of bed as quickly as my tired body could move and making my way to the bathroom that the as last thing I heard was chuckling as I disappeared into the bathroom. When I came out from my quick and very cold shower, he was gone.
Later that day I still had not heard from him, but I had figured he might not have had the time to come see me before leaving on whatever mission he was assigned to. However, I didn't have to think long on it. Because a tall figure with shaggy brown hair and his forehead protector worn like a bandanna to cover his head walked into my empty classroom.
"Genma!", I cheered in my overly happy tone as I gave him a bright smile.
It was nice to see another adult when all you see is students all day. When he saw my smile, he gave me a smirk as he held out a white paper between his thumb and middle finger. I took it happily and read the one short line with a puzzled look.
'Mission, be back in a few days, Love you.'
That had been the first short message I had received from him in a very long time. He'd usually add what ranking the mission was, because he knew it made me feel better. Somehow, just knowing if the mission was dangerous or just a quick trip for an errand to a neighboring place always made me feel better. It also usually told if it was a solo mission or me if the kids were involved. Even when it was a need to know hush-hush mission I got a little more than this.
"What's the mission?"
When I asked he just gave me a somewhat blank stare as he changed the position of the senbon in his mouth.
"Don't know, sorry . . . anyway, see ya later, Umino"
With those words, he turned around and left the room. Leaving me to my thoughts before I decided I was being silly and let it go so I could pay attention to the pumped up, hyper students returning from their lunch break.
Two days later he came home in the middle of the night but something was very off. I didn't even have to guess this time, because he'd made it very clear something was wrong. I had been fast asleep when a soft noise awoke me from my dreams. At first, all I saw was the overwhelming dark but then I caught, another sound and I turned my head to the side to stare at the window. There perched on our window ledge with only the low moon to light his outline was Kakashi.
I was tired, but even with my sleep-filled haze. I could see that he was staring down at me.
His usually hidden sacred eye was uncovered and his Sharingan was looking directly at me as if reading my very soul. I shivered because his usually warm and lazy look was nonexistent and all I could see was a killer's cold stare.
"Welcome back, I missed you." I smiled at him my voice only slightly above a whisper as I tried to hide the uncomfortable feeling that turned in the pit of my stomach, but he said nothing. He didn't even blink or indicate he had even heard me.
"Kakashi, what's wrong?"
He narrowed his eyes with the sound of his name and I suddenly got a very bad feeling as he covered his sacred eye. Right before vanishing from the room to leave me alone again, he bluntly and coldly stated,
"When you're gone, the days feel like years when I'm alone.
When you walk away I count the steps that you take.
And, those words I need to hear to always make it ok,
to get me though the day . . . 'It be ok, I miss and I love you,
are never said."
The familiar way my name was screamed out brought me out of my thoughts and I wiped the last of my tears from my face. Only two people like to scream my name like that, neither of them I wished to have them see me in the state I had been in, or was now in. I let my eyes lift from the ground in which they had wondered, since I can't remember when and placed a fake smile on my face as I was greeted by my second favorite student. Thanking what little luck, I had left that it hadn't been the other person as much as I really loved his loud obnoxious self. At least this one was easier to fool.
"Well- Good morning Konohamaru, are you ready for today's assignments?"
I eternally sighed as I rubbed the top of his head and spoke before pushing him towards the doors of the school, to begin our day. As we walked, I half-heartedly listened to his ramblings about everything he could possible think of, most of which consisted of ways to surpass Naruto and become Hokage before he did. As soon as I got him into the classroom I trailed out again, his voice getting farther and farther away as I traveled deeper into my memories and thoughts. I know thinking would only cause me pain. However, at this point I didn't think it could get any more painful or I could break any more than I already had. . . .
My eyes fluttered open when the sun graced my face with warmth as it snuck in through the parted curtains. The birds were already happily singing away in the trees just outside the room and the morning breeze that came in from the cracked window felt nice against my hot face. I also liked how I didn't even have to turn too listened to the soft breathing of the person I loved behind me, because he had his face buried in the back of my neck.
He had come back yesterday and literally pulled me from class giving poor Hayate only minutes to get down to the school and replace me. He had acted as if nothing was wrong and I allowed myself to fall into this comfortable lie for two months. We had gone to eat lunch at Ichiraku's, and then headed to the bathhouse before going to visited Naruto over at Mount Myōboku. After the blonde sent his frog friends to get us and the rest of the time was spent seeing his training, joining him in what we could and as we were introduced to his new friends. The day had been filled with laughs, smiles and of course, Kakashi had become the center of attention with the younger frogs. When we return home after Naruto had cried into my arms about leaving. I was exhausted and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
However, this morning I couldn't act like nothing was wrong. A whole two months had gone by with him disappearing and reappearing with no talk of where he had been. Acting as if nothing was wrong, pulling me into crazy moments of spontaneous outings that tired me out and left me to a point I did not remember how I had managed to get into bed let alone dress into my Pj's.
Just thinking of it made me angry. To go all that time without word of how I felt, to act as if nothing was wrong! Keeping quiet, being a push over . . . that just wasn't ME! The thought brought my eyes to the brim with angry tears. It just was not fair, why was all of this suddenly happening after five years of a happy relationship! I bawled up my fists and shoved the warmth away.
"Don't act like nothing is wrong Kakashi. I lov-" Before I could finish he spoke over my words and I was back in his arms shaking as tears poured down my face.
"You're mistaken. I haven't been acting as if nothing is wrong." After saying that he pulled away from me a bit, so he could pull down his mask and then he leaned in to capture my lips in a rough needy way.
I let all my thoughts melt 'again' and kissed him back allowing him to push me down into the soft bed. Our hands soon all over each other's body with such need, as if it had not been just days before but years since we last felt one another. I let out a cry when his mouth found my harden nipple and bite down just enough to tell my body, 'I am here, if you haven't figured that out'. The pleasure from rough to loving and back again that morning was unbelievable. By the time it had ended, I was soaked in sweat, my body a melted mess of shakes. I should have known it was too good to be true. That this was just another 'I'm sorry, but I'm leaving again moment' he was doing more and more of now
After he had wiped himself off he leaned over and kissed my forehead and then I felt him get up off the bed. I didn't even bother to look; I simply rolled to my side into the fetal position and pulled the blankets over my face. I didn't want to look at him. To have to watch him get dressed and walk out the door for god knows how long this time. It was bad enough I could hear each and every breath he took as if he was right there next to me. What made it worse was I could not help but count the steps he took before they disappeared. Soon I was left alone in this suffocating room to drown in my thoughts and the tears of anger and sadness.
"When you're gone,
I wanna know what this means for the future.
I wanna know what is real and what a nightmare is.
I wanna know who you've become when I'm not around.
I wanna know if you still love me or if that's a faded feeling.
And when you're gone,
I wanna know if you see how much I need you right now."
The brunette stepped out of the empty school building and sighed as he looked up at the sky that was painted in the colors of a bloody fire burning its way across the horizon and into his own heart. He'd been going in before the sun rose and leaving far after everybody had left, even when he no longer had work to do. He just go over what he'd just finished just so he wouldn't have to go home.
Four weeks had gone by and still no word from Kakashi about his wanting him to move out of the house or to get his own stuff if he was leaving. Iruka would have been more than happy to leave the sad memories in that house. However, there had been no openings for an apartment for him and that small hope in the pit of his heart desperately told his mind that maybe there was a small chance that this would all blow over and everything would be patched up again, someday.
That thought, that won't, these small small feelings of desperate hope kept him from actually truly trying to find another place and then Naruto had openly begged for him to move in, but in the end he kindly declined. There was no way he'd allow the blonde to see or hear him cry himself to sleep every night. When had he become so weak? When had the silver-haired fool broken down his walls of strength and lined them with himself? So that when he left he made sure that there was, nothing left for anybody else . . .
He could only guess it was one of those long missions he'd been going on, that was why he still had not heard word of the other. None in which involved the kids because he'd seen Sakura over at the hospital happy as ever, that new kid Sai had come by to teach the students art lessons thanks to Naruto and of course he was at Mount Myōboku. Speaking of his son, he had asked him to go over for some training so he could get away but he just couldn't. He had all his students to care for. It would be wrong to up at leave as he pleased because he was a little heartbroken. Even though he wished to get as far away from the places that left a sour taste in his mouth, he just couldn't allow himself to fall any farther than he already had.
After the third week had gone by, he remembered feeling something sickening in the pit of his stomach. That pushed him to ask anybody about Kakashi whereabouts. However, not one single person was willing to give up that information if they did know. He felt like an enemy chasing after his target. Whenever he would bring up the Junín they would change the subject, hurry away saying they were late for something or state they had no idea. It finally got to him that everybody was possibly lying to him and he ended up blowing up in Gai's face when the man tried to say hello. Those only made him feel worse, because it was not Gai's fault. He had generally said he had no idea where his youthful best-friend was. The guy had even taken many times out of his training hours to try and cheer him up when this nightmare had started.
It had become so bad that Kakashi had even taken to ignoring him altogether when in village. Hell, it wasn't even the disappearances or the broken promises that hurt the most. It was those harsh words spoken when no bitterness was needed. . . . No matter how Iruka looked at it he knew deep down inside it was the man's way of saying goodbye to their love and pushing the Chūnin away the only way he know how to.
I sat straight up panting, my eyes wide with fear, and my hand on my chest over my heart that was beating as if I had just finished training all day. Outside my window, I heard the sounds of birds chirping and the breeze through the trees and I closed my eyes trying to settle my heart. I was exhausted from the little to no sleep that I had been getting over the period of three months. It had been this way since that first night he'd acted so strangely towards me. Again, I was waking up alone. To many times to count now, his side had not been slept in.
I brought my knees to my chest and sighed as I began to run my hands through my sweat-soaked hair. However, there was suddenly a familiar sound and I got up as if my ass was on fire to the open the window and I gasped. Outside stood a smiling silver-haired asshole with that stupid fucking orange porn book in his hands.
"Where have you been?!"
I called down to him in an irritated tone. What kind of way was this to wake up, I had ever right to be irritated at the man. Who wouldn't, when they find their partner already running off to god knows where after days,
NO weeks of them not being around? His smile fell and for a moment, my thoughts froze, before they screamed at me, 'Nice Iruka, way to fuck up a good mood.'
"Well good morning to you too. . . . I was just stopping by before I left to tell you I was going to be gone again this time longer and I had paid for your lunches at Ichiraku's for the length I would be gone. I heard you haven't been eating Sen-"
As he spoke there was little emotion in the rest of his words other than the quick mocking in the beginning. As much as his words were in a way meant to make me feel better, they only throw fuel on the fire of the pain and anger. I interrupted him with a sense of urgency that suddenly hit me as the words that had tried so hard to escape beat me inside.
"Thank you Kakashi . . . I'll miss you . . . I lov-" Before I could finish he was gone. I couldn't stop the sobs from coming as I slipped to the cold floor.
"When you're gone,
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me.
When you're gone, everything that I do reminds me of you.
The clothes you left, they lie on the floor and they smell just like you."
Iruka was stuck in one of his never-ending nightmares as he slept. The bedroom was filled with the sounds of his muffed cries and groans as he waved his arms at the monsters that weren't really there. Tossing and turning as he ran from the horrors in his dreams. Soon he sat up screaming, wide-eyed as two gentle arms shook him awake. He breathed deeply as he stared into the rare softened look of light brown, pupil-less eyes of his best friend Anko. It looked like they had been holding back tears and he sucked in a breath as his whole world shattered.
"No, no . . . please no . . . kami no please Anko, tell me those . . . those aren't . . ."
She looked down letting the hands on his shoulders fall down his shaking arms before shaking her head and sighed.
"I can't . . . I'm sorry . . Th-"
Before she could finish Iruka was out of bed and gone out the window moving over the roofs of the building till he reached the Hokage's tower and ran down the hall slipping past the guards and through open the office doors. Before him where all eight ninken, sitting before the Hokage and they all had turned to stare at him when he entered with sad expressions upon their face.
He just stared back feeling as if all the air in the room had been sucked out and he gasped through ragged breaths, his body shaking as adrenaline ran through his veins. Hot tears stained his cheeks where they had run down on his way over. His mind was screaming at him to yell at her, to demand her to tell him why Anko . . the most unsympathetic person he'd ever known had come to him holding back tears and why Kakashi nin were all staring at him like . . like . .
"Iruka, as Kakashi's long-term partner, I feel I have a duty to inform you of his whereabouts. However, I need you to remain calm. You're going to want to yell and scream but I need you to hear me out, okay.
She spoke as a true person of her ranking should, yet behind her words was a softness and understanding that made my mind somewhat feel as if it was being hugged . . . so why . . . why would her words make me hate her? She pointed to a chair in front of her desk but I shook my head. My eyes never leaving her . . . they held a demand that she get right to the point and not tip toe around.
"For five months since the day after your return I have had Kakashi working ANBU."
She paused when she saw my look falter to rage but I bit my tongue to allow her to explain herself. I had never seen the silver haired man's nin look so guilty as they did that very moment. Nevertheless, why . . . because we had been close and they had never kept anything for me, except for this? Sure, I know I am his lover- might as well be his husband in the time we'd been together. However, rank was rank and need to know still existed between loved ones.
"I am not saying that the way he went about pulling away from his world was right. However, I can see why he did what he did. He wanted to slowly push you away to save you the hurt if anything were to ever happen to him. He was willing to sacrifice his love. He rather you hate him if he survived than torn to shreds if he died and you still loved him."
I was about to yell at that statement. However, she stuck up her hand, "Shut up and listen."
So again, I shut my mouth my fist clenched in anger this bullshit was taking too long I just wanted to know where he was now. But somehow . . . somewhere deep down inside I already know. That bad and feeling I had gotten was about to show its ugly head.
"I told him he might be a very smart man but he was acting very stupid. You Iruka are not somebody who hates easily. It's easy to see you were more torn with his actions and lies than you would have been if he had just up and told you the truth . . . what I'm trying to say is . . ."
Her eyes got this look in them the same look Anko had in them and all the strength in my body left. I dropped to my knees shaking my head and screamed. . .
"Are you going to at least pick up your cloths before you disappear again. Why did you even bother to come home, if you going to act like a fucking asshole?"
I snapped at him not caring if my words were childish. I was tired and so very sick of his crap already. Tired of being treated like that of an enemy kept alive only because it was an order. Ok, maybe that was going too far but it came pretty damn close to the way I was feeling around him. He didn't even answer as he put on his vest.
"WHAT? Are you going to ignore me now? Did I do something to ignite the wrath of the silent treatment from you? What are you five now this is getting old Kakashi. I'm getting ti-"
Before I could finish he swung around, grabbed my arm, and shook me like a rag doll. His only seeing eye was cold and distant and his words were harsh.
"I came here to get what I needed before I had to leave. If I had known you would be awake before I left I would have made sure to go to Anko's and get ready there and have somebody pick my shit up here."
I draw my hand back and slapped him as hard as I could across the face and he dropped me stepping back. I was ragging with all the months built up anger.
"I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU SO MUCH HATAKE. I WISH YOU HAD DONE THAT TOO, SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT ANYMORE."
I lifted my hands up and tried to hit him but he caught them and squeezed them to a point I know they would bruise. His words were low and without emotion as he spoke.
"Good hate me, because I stopped giving a fuck about you months ago. I'm done with this kids game were playing and I'm glad I'm finally able stop acting like I want this. I don't care what you do after this. Keep the place or get the hell out. But if you haven't decided by the time I get back, so help me."
With that, he shoved me away and I stumbled back as he grabbed up his bag he'd packed and slammed the bedroom door behind him. I cried out in rage and picked up the nearest object and it smashed into pieces against the door.
"When I'm gone, I finally realized you made me feel something I never felt before.
When I'm gone, I pray that your make it through the fall,
make it through it all.
When you're gone, I never thought I need you there when I finally cried."
'Rain . . . it is raining . . . where am I? Wait . . . this is . . . this is . . the monument grounds . . . when did I get back here? When did I get back to Konoha? I'm socked from head to toe and its cold . . . shit I made it home . . . why it would have been better if I had . . .'
The sound of somebody crying interrupted the man's thoughts and he stopped in his tracks. For a moment, all he heard was the sound of rain before the sobbing came back and something within him throbbed. Was that his heart, why did that crying sound so familiar . . . He began to run as if the crying was calling to him and he ran and ran but he seemed to go nowhere. The area that was once the grounds near the memorial rock had become a black tunnel with white rain and white and blue puddles as if he was running though pools of tears.
"W-why, w-why" A soft voice choked through the sobs.
'Iruka, is that you?' He stopped again and this time his tunnel lit up to show a figure kneeling before the stone his hands doing something to it which Kakashi could not see.
"Iruka, why are you crying?" He pulled down his mask as he walked over relived to know this time he got closer and closer to the other, but he got no answer from his question. The only answer was the soft rain and the sound of the man sobbing into the palm of his hand.
"W-why wouldn't you just trust me to be strong enough to be there for you?" The man asked and Kakashi stopped in his tracks and he felt an over whelming guilt.
"I-Iruka, because I was afraid to leave you alone if I died."
Just as he finished speaking Iruka suddenly cried out and leaned forward into the stone to bang his fist against it as his whole body shook. Kakashi moved quickly over and went to grab the man to steady him but his hands shoot right through the other startling him. He drew his hands back and he stumbled on the wet ground before falling on his ass. He sat there for a moment looking at his hands in confusion before sticking his hand out again to touch. However, his hand went right through and he choked back a sound of surprise and despair.
"K-kakashi . . . you can't touch me anymore . . ."Iruka spoke softly as his moved back from the stone to sit on his knees as he held out a scroll and a poof was heard.
The Junín asked as he leaned forward and his eyes widen and he leaned back on his legs a sad look washed over his face. Right next to where Iruka was laying a new fresh set of flowers was a brand new engraved name . . . 'Hatake Kakashi'.
"I see, that's why." He said pulling his arms around himself. He would not cry, he would not regret what he had done. After everything he had gone through to push the other away the man he fell in love with still had ever once of heart to kneel here in the pouring cold rain to cry over a name on the grave of the asshole who had made fourth months of his life a living hell. He really had being very stupid.
"I wish you could hear me . . . because I'd tell you I understand. I don't hate you like you wished . . . I can't tell you I won't hurt and that I won't shed tears, because I love you."
Iruka voice was sad and there was still tears trailing down his cheeks even though it was hard to tell with the rain and hair stuck to his face. Kakashi bowed his head and bit back the tears that had waited to get though since the day he was assigned his last mission. A mission that had from the very begin threaten the happiness he worked so hard to build.
"I'm sorry Iruka, I love you too."
"It's ok I forgive you Kakashi . . . I'll hold you in my heart till the day I to take my last breath and I hope you will be waiting for me."
When he began to speak, he turned around with a soft smile and Kakashi shrank back. Had he heard his words? He was looking right at him. However, then Iruka stood up and walked right though him and that last act pulled the tears down his cheeks as he watched the only man he ever loved walk away before turning back with a sigh.
"I'll take care of the nin as if they were my own . . . please rest in peace and don't cry my love. I will miss you."
And those were the last words Kakashi heard before he let a laugh escape his lips and the rain began to clear.
"As they will with you, I will just for you and I miss you too but remember assholes don't cry."
"We were made for each other out here forever.
All I ever wanted was for you to know . . .
everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul.
When I'm Gone."