A Very Merry Christmas

A/N: Written with swiftasanarrow who has succeeded in staying on her chair throughout when writing this.

Warning: This is crack. To the extreme.

Song is Santa Baby, Kylie Minogue version.

Summary: The Red and Blue clans spend Christmas together. Their Kings especially so.

Disclaimer: We do not own [K]/ Project-K/ K-Project and whatever other names it has.

The last thing Munakata Reisi expected was to be in HOMRA's lounge listening to what seemed like the wailing of a thousand tortured cats being grinded and tossed around in a blender. In fact, it was this terrible cacophony of caterwauls which had woken him up in the first place. The last he remembered, HOMRA's music selection was a million times better than this.

He scanned his eyes slowly around the bar, taking in the sight of his Clansmen mixed with the Red Clan passing around drinks and was that a microphone? He must be mistaken. He blinked, hoping to clear his mind. Maybe this was all a dream and he'd just fallen asleep on his paperwork. He nodded to himself. Yes, that was the only explanation for such an extraordinary situation. He pinched his arm to wake himself up from this peculiar dream, and was surprised to find that it hurt.

Oh, so this is not a dream. Which made sense, since the only things he dreamt of were of puzzles and certain things.

"Captain, you are awake." Awashima Seri, his lieutenant and right-hand woman was beside him in an instant, and she held out a glass of punch. He accepted the glass gratefully- his head was throbbing a little.

Reisi set down the glass and looked around, trying to make sense of the situation, as was his instinct. He'd never expected the two rival clans to mix so well. Right now, there was a small scuffle for the microphone as the song came to an end (thank Heavens) and the Clansmen were arguing about who was going to sing next. Unexpectedly, in the forefront of the scuffle was Fushimi. He looked slightly tipsy as he tried to snatch the microphone.

Fushimi's main rival for the microphone was Yatagarasu Misaki, the self-proclaimed right-hand man of Suoh, if he recalled. Drunk himself, the skateboarder was yelling at Fushimi and prodding the other male away with his skateboard in his attempts to grab the microphone. In his excitement, he started swinging his skateboard around the bar wildly, narrowly missing a few heads and almost chipping off a corner of the bar counter. An irritated Izumo thus had to snatch the skateboard from him, while issuing threats to his life if his beloved bar obtained even a single scratch.

"I WANT TO SING!" Misaki screamed and hopped onto the coffee table. The crowd cheered as he raised the microphone (which he had gained control of), and started singing:


Reisi was sure that was not how one sang Jingle Bells.


His singing was cut off by the flying bananas Fushimi sent his way (where he got them from, no one knew, but it was probably from the fruit basket). Misaki was knocked clean off the table in one hit.

"SAAAAAAAA-RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Misaki leapt up from his spot on the floor and got into a fighting stance.

"Coooome at meeeeeeee, MIIIIIII SAAAAAAAAAAA KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIII." Fushimi was quick to react, but in his hastiness to fight, tripped and fell face-first into the bowl of heavily spiked punch.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Misaki started laughing at the other male, who had taken in quite a few gallons of the punch, and hence had gotten even more drunk.

"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING MISAKI? YOU WANT TO FIGHT?!" Fushimi roared as he staggered around the room in circles.

The situation descended into a fistfight as the Clansmen cheered on their respective vanguards and the microphone lay (temporarily) forgotten.

Reisi rubbed his temples as he tried to rid himself of his headache. He should probably request the crowd to be silent. He picked up the microphone lying on the floor and cleared his throat. The room turned silent at once, save for some muffled yells from the scuffle on the floor. All eyes were on him. Then, someone cheered:


This, of course, resulted in the combined forces of the two drunken clans cheering for him to sing something.


Reisi frowned a little at the noise. It was making his head hurt, and he felt a little dizzy. That was strange; he didn't remember drinking anything alcoholic, the only thing he drank was... dimly, he realised that the punch must have been the same as the heavily spiked one Fushimi's head had decided to take a swim in. The room had started to warp slightly as the cheering seemed to have gotten louder, and suddenly, he found himself feeling veerrrrry happy.

"SING! SING! SING!" The crowd continued their cheering, Reisi found himself being swept along with their enthusiasm, and he smiled goofily at them.

They want me to sing!

Reisi nodded and the opening chords of the next song came on. Unless he was very much mistaken (he wasn't), this was Santa Baby. With the liquid courage he'd imbibed, he belted out the first two verses confidently, if slightly slurred.

Santa Baby,

Just slip a sable under the tree

For me

Been an awful good girl

(Wait, girl? He's sure that's Fushimi laughing in the corner.)

Santa Baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby,

A 54 convertible too

Light blue

I'll wait up for you, dear

Santa baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

He paused to take a quick breath. He definitely would never sing this sober. How he even knew the lyrics, he had no idea. He went on to the next verse.

Think of all the fun I've missed

Think of all the Fellas that I haven't kissed

Next year I could be just as good

If you'll check out my Christmas list

(Hmm...kiss? He sure knows exactly who he wants to kiss. There's even mistletoe in one of the doorways.)

He looked around for that certain redhead he has been wanting to attach his lips to. However, a quick scan of the room told him that that person was currently missing. Disappointedly, he sang the next verse.

Santa Baby,

I want a yacht and really that's not

A lot

Been an angel all year

Santa Baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

A loud crash interrupted his song, and he looked up to see a flash of red coming down the stairs. It was none other than Suoh in was that a Santa suit? He rubbed his eyes and confirmed that it was indeed Suoh Mikoto in a Santa suit (complete with a snowy-white beard and bushy eyebrows). He wondered how many ponies were killed just to get the the King into that. He saw the red and black dress peeking out from Santa Mikoto's back and understood.

Mikoto was led (dragged) to a specially prepared seat right in the center of the bar, and was pushed down onto it. Reisi would be clapping his hands in delight if he wasn't busy holding the microphone. His mind began to fill with thoughts of what he could do to the redhead.

Santa Honey,

one little thing i really need

The deed

To a platinum mine

Santa Baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

At this, he was struck with a brilliant idea (one that would make him want to dig a hole and bury himself if he was sober). Yes, that was it. He would seduce Mikoto here and now, at this very moment.

He felt a sudden urge to get down on his knees, and so he did.

Santa cutie,

Fill my stocking with a duplex

And cheques

Sign your 'x' on the line

Santa cutie,

and hurry down the chimney tonight

Mikoto was staring at him, his expression frozen, as if he had fallen into a trance. His red eyes were burning holes in Reisi's Santarina dress (which he now realised he was wearing), and Reisi was sure that if Mikoto had actually willed it, the dress would have burned off completely by now. So, he was glad that Mikoto did not- he did not want to be seen naked in front of all these people after all. If there were no one else, however... He wouldn't mind in the slightest.

Come and trim my Christmas tree

With some decorations bought at Tiffany's

I really do believe in you

Let´s see if you believe in me

He attempted to make his way over to Mikoto, but found that he was unable to get up, hence, he resorted to crawling towards the other man. He put one hand in front of the other, and slowly made his way there. He crawled the way a crab crawled across a sandy beach, and swayed his hips in the process. He was one sexy crab, he thought to himself.

It seemed as if Mikoto liked crabs as well, for he continued to stare at Reisi like he was a piece of crabmeat. Fresh crabmeat, on a platter, specially garnished for him. Mikoto looked hungry, starving, just like a famished lion who wanted his crab. Reisi wouldn't mind being eaten up whole by the sexy beast right in front of him.

Santa Baby,

Forgot to mention one little thing

A ring

I don't mean on the phone

Santa Baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight


By this time, Reisi had reached Mikoto's feet and his arms gave out on him, causing him to fall face first on Mikoto's shoes to uproarious applause from the clans. He could vaguely feel the microphone being taken from his hand and being flung to some other drunken Clansman. He felt strong hands wrap themselves around his waist and hoist him up. The next thing he knew, he was sitting on Mikoto's lap (the photos he later wanted to burn showed his extremely happily goofy expression).

He looked up at the ceiling as someone said, "Look, MISTLETOE!" The pretty little green plant up there could only mean one thing: the fulfilment of his dreams.

This time, the drunken chants weren't "Sing", but "KISS!"

Reisi moved as if in a dream; Mikoto's face was even closer than it had ever been, but Reisi wanted it to be even closer. His usual complete disregard of personal space taken to the extreme, he closed up whatever remaining gap between them and... Stayed there, hovering close to Mikoto's face.

They remained in the same position for a long period of time, and Reisi continued to stare into Mikoto's face.

Then, it happened.

Mikoto's lips brushed gently against his as he sat there dumbly. Reisi's hand came up to rest on Mikoto's chest as the lion claimed his lips, moaning softly as a tongue slipped in. The rest of the room faded away, and the two got lost in a world of their own. They were so busy being all sexy with each other that they failed to notice Izumo's palpable irritation.

"GET A ROOM!" he yelled, hurling Misaki's confiscated skateboard at them. The skateboard hit Mikoto's head, causing a bump the size of something very big to swell, effectively breaking up the increasingly steamy make-out session. Mikoto glared at his childhood friend in annoyance, but the moans from the man in his arms stopped him from burning the man to a crisp.

With that, Mikoto picked Reisi up and carried him up the stairs, sidestepping some of their fallen Clansmen (some of whom had since passed out drunk), and entering his room.

It shall be sufficient to say that a very well-fed lion and an extremely embarrassed Reisi emerged from the room the next morning, the latter vowing to destroy every shred of evidence of what had transpired that night.