Random Christmas fic that ended up being posted later than I hoped. FrostIron all the way, people. You have been warned. First dialogue-only thing I've ever written. They're fun, though. I should do more.
Rated T because I try to be safe with my ratings. Sometimes too safe, but whatever. And it has Tony in it, and his presence probably causes the rating to go up whatever the content. Honestly, Tony.
Disclaimer: Every fangirl wishes they owned this stuff, but none of us do. Don't make us suffer by reminding us of that fact.
A Very Evil Christmas
"You know, Loki, you look way too miserable for Christmas Eve."
"Is that so?"
"It is. And I know that Santa doesn't come to boys who are magical psychopaths who try to take over planets, but you should still be a little happy."
"No, I shouldn't. And you made enough jokes about that ridiculous Father Christmas myth when you were explaining it to Thor last month. You do not need to make any more."
"Don't call Santa a ridiculous myth! You're a ridiculous myth!"
"Calm down, Stark. You sound like a child."
"Yeah, I know. That's pretty much what I said to my parents when they tried to explain that Santa isn't real. But now I know the Norse gods are real I'm starting to think that maybe Santa is too, if only drunkenly. At least that would mean that I didn't try really hard not to set my father's workshop on fire for nothing. I always figured that as a guy who had a workshop Santa might take personal offence to that."
"Stands to reason."
"Sarcasm isn't cute when I'm drunk. And anyway, if you really do believe that Santa is a myth then as a fellow myth you should be more supportive."
"But I am a much more attractive myth."
"That I'm not going to deny, but don't let that go to your head. Much. You and the Santa thing do have some things in common, Reindeer Games."
"I thought that you agreed to stop calling me that until it was too late for Barton to make Christmas related jokes about it."
"Clint's not here. And besides, I'm too drunk to remember why I started to call you that in the first place. Was it to do with the Helmet of Horniness?"
"It was. Although reindeer have antlers. And I am given to understand that the male ones lose their antlers in winter, and so all of Father Christmas' reindeer are female and shouldn't have names like Rudolph."
"So the girl doesn't subscribe to one gender. What about the time you magically disguised yourself as a woman in September? I still don't know why that was, by the way"
"I may have appeared to be a member of the female sex, but I was still of the masculine gender. You really should learn the difference between the two words."
"If I could, Stark, then I would."
"So you get it, then?"
"Christmas? Is there some reason why I should not?"
"I dunno. 'Cause you're, you know, a Norse god."
"More or less, yes."
"And you're also evil. Christmas ins't big on evil, right?"
"Honestly, Stark. Christmas is the celebration of a birth which caused a man to have young children ruthlessly killed, and the Christian religion itself has caused what some might call a ridiculous amount of bloodshed."
"You forgot that it has eggnog, which is always a good thing. Eggnog is here, so you shouldn't be so miserable."
"I'll admit that I do not have an enormous amount of 'Christmas spirit', or indeed anything of that nature."
"Is it something to do with the fact that Christmas took the place of a Pagan festival? Because I hear that some are kind of bitter about that."
"What? Honest question."
"Not one that I want to answer, though."
"Okay, so that's not the reason you don't have any Christmas spirit? I mean, besides the alcohol you're holding."
"Are you going to finish that, by the way? Because I'm totally not drunk enough."
"By which you mean that you're still concious."
"Exactly! Christmas Eve is better unconscious. It's how I've always celebrated it."
"At least you'd be quieter if too much alcohol had caused you to lose conciousness."
"You don't want me to be quiet. If I don't say anything drunk then you can't say anything bitter. And that would ruin your Christmas."
"Can you ruin what you're not enjoying?"
"God, can you just lighten up? And I wasn't referring to you as 'God', by the way. I save that for special occasions."
"Hey, wait here."
"Stark, what are you... ? Where are you going?"
"You're still ruining my Christmas buzz, so I need to fix that. I just need to find... Here it is!"
"Stark, is that tinsel?"
"It is. And it's green, so you shouldn't have anything against it."
"What was it doing behind the bar?"
"Well I can't put put green tinsel on a green tree, can I? Totally not my style. And I know that you think that there's no such thing as too much green, what with the magic and clothing and all, but I have my limits."
"Is that why you're always so keen to remove the clothing from my person?"
"Shut up. Just hold still."
"Stark, you appear to be putting the tinsel around my neck."
"I am. And I'm going to take the fact that you're not blasting me with evil green magic as a good sign. Maybe you do think that there's such a thing as too much green."
"I don't know, I may change my mind on that one."
"Goodwill towards men, Loki. Do we have to have the lecture again? You gave Barton the most painful of all his Christmas presents with that stupid prank yesterday. He's lucky that I was too lazy to buy him anything. There. I'm done."
"Are you quite sure? Because I don't think that I feel quite ridiculous enough yet."
"Shut up. I think tinsel looks sexy on you."
"You would do."
"Uh huh. And I also have this."
"By the Nine, Stark. Do I want to know where you were hiding that mistletoe?"
"Probably not. But you still owe me something because of it."
"Do I indeed? You're not even holding it up."
"Huh, so you do get it."
"Of course I do. If you recall, I caused mistletoe to appear above the heads of Rogers and Fury."
"Oh yeah. That was awesome, by the way."
"See, now I'm holding it up. Come on, Reindeer Games. You're on my planet, so you abide by my planet's rules."
"See, that wasn't so hard. You totally enjoyed that."
"No I did not."
"Yes, you did. And if you noticed my timing, it was totally just midnight. You're not the only one who can plot, you know."
"But I plot so much more elegantly."
"Shut up. It's Christmas."
"That should hardly mean that I stop being, as you so fondly say, evil."
"It should, but I'll allow evilness anyway. May you have a very evil Christmas, Reindeer games."
"And may you have a painfully drunk one, Stark."
"I totally will. Love you, Anti-Santa."
"I'm not going to dignify that with an affectionate response."
I started this drabble with no idea where it was going to end. I just kind of thought "Hey, it's stupidly close to Christmas. I'll put something online!" and my fingers spewed this out. Whatever.
Thanks for reading! Have a very merry Christmas!