A/N: I owned HA and the song "Again I Go Unnoticed" by Dashboard Confessional, and then I woke up. Again I Go Unnoticed

So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed
.

The only audible sound is the TV, which has been turned down for a brief moment, probably because Big Bob is falling asleep on the couch.  He's too tired to scream so he just sits there.  There's nothing we can say to each other.  We have nothing in common, and it's not like he makes an effort to find something the two of us can talk about, save that Rats musical crap.  Loudly, I sigh in defeat, knowing that my presence isn't acknowledged in the slightest bit and slowly leave the room.  I guess I'll check on Miriam… make sure she hasn't drunk herself to death yet.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
Cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?

Just as I've come to see every night, there's Miriam, snoring in a puddle of her own drool, hugging the blender in some kind of twisted symbolism.  Yep… she loves those smoothies of hers.  I keep trying to believe that she's just tired because of all the housework… but the practical, logical side of my brain screams that I'm in blatant denial.  She's never come out and said it, but it's just as well.  I keep telling myself not to believe it, that it can't be true.  I have to or I know that'll be the end for me.  At least Miriam can remember my name.  Between Bob's attitude and her… tiredness, I can barely deal as it is.  I'm only a kid.  I'm not supposed to feel this way. 

"Miriam!" I call. "Miriam!!"

She slowly comes back into reality, holding her head in her hands as if it's about to split open. "Yes, dear?"

"I just wanted to say… goodnight."

"Goodnight, Helga." She replies in a monotone.

Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.



From the top of the stairs where I sit, unable to sleep, I simply observe them.  Miriam downs four aspirin and tries to keep from vomiting them up.  Bob is still in front of the TV.  It's empty.  You can feel it in the walls.  They're skeletons of their former selves.  This house is the skeleton of their perfect family.  I know I'm not their perfect daughter, I'll never be what they want.  I pretend that it doesn't bother me… but it does.  In the end, that's what makes me so outwardly bitter.  Everything they refused to give me, things as simple as a hug… made me resent them.  I wish one day they would scream "Why are you so bitter, Helga!?  What did we do!?"  just so I could tell them.  That's why I do everything in my power to fail them.  So maybe they would notice me.

Miriam walked into the family room and told Bob she was going to bed.  He offers a peck on the cheek and a pat on the shoulder, rather than a hug.  I sigh, feeling the burden of emptiness consume my heart.  They're out of love.  Forget passion, because that died the day they realized I was a girl instead of the boy they had been promised.  Maybe if they were happy I could somehow be happy too. 

I can't stay here.  I can't watch this anymore.  I have to get out. Sobbing hysterically, I ran into my bedroom and locked the door.


I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye
won't be the only way you'll look at me then.

Finally the tears have ceased to fall.  For one who acts so strong and harsh I am pathetically fake.  I'm nothing more inside than a confused maelstrom of torrent emotions.   Everything seems to frustrate me.  The slight solace I have is the only person who cared about me before he even knew who I was.  I won't let him know.  The look of humiliation on his face would be too much to bear.

All I can do it wait.  Eventually, he'll return my affections.  Maybe things will get better.  After all, there's always tomorrow.  That little glimmer of hope is still alive, by some miracle.  Someday Miriam and Bob will wake up and become Mom and Dad.  One day they'll smile, maybe not at me, but they'll smile unlike the fake expressions they wear day in and out.  Maybe I'll even be their daughter.  Maybe they'll care about me.  Maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare.



So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.

I can hear Big Bob lowly climbing up the stairs and walking past my room into his.  I can almost see him lie down opposite Miriam and flick the tiny TV set on as he sighs and shuts his eyes as he waits for sleep. 

Sometimes, I just wish he'd kiss me goodnight.