I wanted to go ahead and re-post this next HP one-shot I had stored away. I have to get myself into bed seeing as in a few hours I'll be blazing the mall for holiday pictures for my daughter, and then a visit to Santa. Hope you all have had a wonderful weekend! Happy Holidays!
I Wish I Knew You
I do not own HP. I do not make profit.
Warnings: mentions of mpreg, mentions of death, heavy angst, sweet sorrow
Edited: 12/20/15 4:28 AM
Stationed before the only onyx headstone in the cemetery; stood a thin yet tall woman. Her hair was as black as night, hanging ram-rod straight down to her mid back. Her features were hidden beneath her bangs as she hung her head forward; staring silently at the stone. She wasn't even sure why she came, or what she had wanted to say; everything just froze up the moment she laid her eyes upon the marble. Her Uncle Siri had told her it wouldn't be so hard to find, being the only black colored stone in the graveyard. No real emotion could find its place within the turmoil that raged inside her. It wasn't fair, yet in all reality it was. The man who lay under the ground before her was a man she never got to know, so she has nothing to base off of what might be missing.
"It's so…strange that I stand here before you. A complete stranger who shares your blood… I wonder how you would have felt if you had known me. I wonder how I would be feeling if I had known you before you died."
She didn't wish to stay too long, knowing this was the day her dad was going to come to the cemetery to see him; this grave that she stood before. Eventually he couldn't make any more excuses, nor could her uncle's or aunt's. Her dad started the habit of disappearing every month so as she got older; she pieced it together. Always gone for hours on end; always frozen and tear-stained when he came home. It use to break her heart that she could never help him the way he needed. No, the only one who could wasn't there; and they never would be.
"I really wish to be angry with you, for the pain you cause my dad so much; the pain you still continue to cause him even 15 years after you've been gone. "
Gathering her thoughts, she knew she needed to say something – anything – to make this strange ache in her chest go away.
"I want to be angry at you, I want to hate you. Uncle Siri tells me I'm so much like you, and I believe that makes dad even more sad than normal. I'm told I have your hair, your pale skin, even your intelligence and knack for potions – though Uncle Siri is so happy I don't have your nose; though I don't understand why that would matter. I was even named after your mother, Eileen, which I later found out. I've never even seen a picture of you before, or a memory. Is that sad, considering I'm talking to you and it feels as though you are right in front of me?"
Her chest suddenly felt tight, and her eyes watered heavily. Blinking them rapidly, she still stared right at the headstone, his name – Severus Snape – staring right back at her in haunting silence.
"Why did you have to die like that, and leave dad so devastated? You were the one who was supposed to take care of him, to love him forever! How can you do that; if you're not even here anymore?!"
Her cheeks burned as tears finally made their way down her face, her hands clenching in anger at her sides. Her frame shook softly from restrained sobs as she closed her eyes tight to fight off everything that was overwhelming her. She got this side from her dad; his quick temper and strong emotions.
"I want to understand…why I want to understand you so badly. I shouldn't care that I don't know you, but I do! I hate how everyone talks about you, yet they don't even talk as if they knew you! Whenever I hear dad crying at night, the things he says are so…different than what everyone else says!"
Confusion bubbled up in her chest, her emerald eyes shining with anger and sadness.
"How could you leave your daughter alone like this?!"
Unpleasant silence rang after the echoing of her yell, her body shaking in the after waves of her anger and sadness. Her dad always told her she needed to be more controlled about her emotions; though most of the time she was so uptight that she could understand why her family worried for her.
"How can I fill this empty place that is meant for you, when I know nothing at all about you other than that fact that my dad loved you and you are my father…how can I make this confusing pain go away?"
"I wish you would have told me you felt this way, Eil'."
Jumping suddenly at the sound of another's voice, she quickly whipped around; face still covered in tears. Rapidly wiping her cheeks clean, she moved off to the side a bit as her dad made his way forward to stand beside her.
"D-dad, how did you," – "That's a dumb question, Eil' and we both know it. I was worried when I got home and no one could tell me where you were."
Silence filled the air between them both as they stood before the onyx tombstone.
"I just…want to understand where I come from; and the man who is a part of me."
A sob fell from her dad's mouth and she immediately reached a hand out to grasp his own. Waiting for him to compose himself, she still stared straight ahead as his hand tightened in hers.
"I never wanted to tell you anything other than that he died. He never even knew I was pregnant with you, never knew we were meant to be a family. It was all so sudden and I only wanted to hold us together."
Eileen felt her chest ache as she watched her dad relive his own personal nightmare emotionally. It was one of many, but seemed to be the most heart breaking that he lived with.
"I know it hurts dad, but-but don't you think he would want you to be happy? Don't you think he'd want us to be happy?"
Knowing she had no experience on her father's personality, she silenced herself while her dad continued to compose himself.
"You're too right, that he would want that. It's hard for me, to move past the pain and anguish I feel when I remember that he won't be there when I wake up. I hate knowing that he's not with us; that we aren't the family we both deserved to have."
Eileen tightened her grip on her dad's hand, becoming reassured when he gripped back. Matching emerald eyes connected and they both forced small smiles at one another.
"D-do you think you can tell me about him? I-I want to know about this man Severus, who is my father."
Watching her dad struggle with his words almost made Eileen change her mind; but she knew she would never be able to grow up the way she wanted until she knew everything.
"I think that is a wonderful idea. How about we start where I first met…your father. I had just started Hogwarts…"
Eileen and her dad made their way away from the stone after one lingering look of affection and another of hope. Walking hand in hand, they both made their way home; stories and words of Eileen's father flowing between them. Silence once more filled the graveyard, as the night settled in. Like every month, a bundle of lilies once again brought life to Severus' grave another for another one of the twelve months out of the year.