Cutting

Christine Chapel looked at the skin on her forearms. The scars were still there. Barely discernable, but there. Thinking back, she remembered how she got them.

oOo

On Omnicron Ceti III she had been just as blissed-out as everyone else. She had seen Spock and Leila together, but it hadn't bothered her, then. She just had the sense of how cute they were, and how the sight of Spock in the tree was somehow...beautiful.

When the sub-audible signal started working on her, however, it was another story. The image had begun to go 'round and 'round inside her head like an evil carousel or a swarm of angry hornets. Spock and Leila... Spock and Leila...

The pain of it had spiraled up and up and up, becoming unbearable. Finally, to gain some relief, she grabbed a knife from the kitchen and sneaked off. Then she did something she had not done since she was a teenager. She cut herself.

oOo

Nobody had ever known she was a cutter. You didn't expect a straight-laced, blue eyed, smiling, straight-A student to be doing that to herself. However, being bright came with a price. She was always extra sensitive, with no real friends. No real friends, and no real outlet for the pain when she started getting rejected. Getting rejected again and again, partly for being too bright.

Cutting brought a sense of euphoria from the shock, and the more painful emotions just seemed to...shut off for a while. It was a relief. She hadn't known then how unhealthy it was.

oOo

When she started Starfleet, she had stopped. She hadn't even done it when she had lost Roger. But the endless thought of Spock and Leila had just snapped her.

Afterwards, she was glad that she had the medikit with her. She was able to stop the bleeding without anyone seeing, but she would still have the scars.

Chapel had thought about getting rid of the scars, but she didn't. She kept them as a reminder that no matter much you love someone, that love can turn around and hurt you in the end. It was worth it, though. It was always worth it. She also kept them to remind herself of how dangerous letting herself get overly stressed could be.

She knew she should seriously consider going to Vulcan for lessons in control. That is, if her own poor heart didn't end up killing her first. Seeing how deep she was in love with Spock, that was a distinct possibility.

Fin.