not beta read. this is my Christmas gift to my adorable little cute apple dumpling Rachel that is...all fluff and cute, which is depressing by my standards but oh well. here is fluff and cute for my Rachel.
warnings for fluff and cute.
"Chaaaaaaan, turn your ass around you little fucking bitch and hold my hand."
Chandler tried to suppress a giggle as he held Sebastian's hand. Sebastian's eyes widened ten centimetres as he stared at his predator. "Fuck it, Chan, that thing is the size of my dick. No way are you putting that near my arm, Doc. I'd rather eat out Hummel's vagina… I'd rather eat a salad than have that thing near me and I'm allergic to healthy shit."
Chandler smiled at him, and held his hand tighter. "Come on, Bassie. It's one little needle."
"No, you bring that shit near me and I'll lose blood. Do you know that you can die of blood loss?" Sebastian called out, his eyes wide and wild as he shifted uncomfortably.
An uninterested Doctor was looking around for syringes from where he stood. "I'm pretty sure you'll live considering you have a blood type of AB so you take from everything."
Chandler laughed. "Sebastian, even your blood type is kinda greedy."
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "I'm not greedy just because I want everything." He looked at the Doctor, biting his lip when he saw one of those syringes being pulled from their place. "Please, Doc, I'm as healthy as a sexually addicted horse. You don't need to check my blood. Plus, if you bring that needle near me, I'm just gonna kick you in the balls."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Give me your arm, Sebastian."
"…but I like my arm." Sebastian finally said. He was kicking his feet around from nervousness. His eyes were pleading adamantly with the man. "It helps me do a lot of shit. You know, I kinda need two hands when I'm playing Angry Birds."
Sebastian shut his eyes as he pulled his arm. Chandler grinned and jumped up from glee. "That's good, Bassie."
"Fuck you, Doc. Fuck you with that syringe you're using to drain my blood." Sebastian felt a prick on his skin and then his eyes widened. "Holy shit, Doc. That was all of the .5 seconds of pain. You know I don't do well with pain. I could've died."
Chandler rubbed Sebastian's back. "Come on. I'm going to buy you a cookie."
"I don't want a fucking cookie. What age do you think I am? Six?" Sebastian rolled his eyes as the Doctor placed a piece of cotton, bandaging Sebastian up on the site of injection.
Sebastian's eyes then softened as he looked at Chandler. "Are you gonna buy me a cupcake or what? I survived an injection for God's sake. You're not even gonna offer me one of them? Damn you, Chan, you're the worst boyfriend in the history of my yearbook."
It was around four in the morning when Sebastian Smythe had knocked onto Chandler's apartment doorway. Chandler had opened it up to have Sebastian surge inside of the apartment. Chandler yawned as he tried to process what just happened – oh, yeah, his dumb boyfriend woke him up at four am for a little visit for some unknown unidentifiable reason.
"Hello to you too," Chandler mumbled, rubbing his eyelids because he had been so sleepy. He had walked inside of the room to see Sebastian was already there, wrapped around Chandler's blanket and leaving nothing for Chandler. Chandler shook his head and shut the door behind him. "Bassie, I love you and all – but what the hell are you doing in my house at four in the morning?"
"Chandler, what a potty mouth you have," Sebastian mumbled, curling up in his blankets even more. Chandler can see nothing left for himself. "I decided to fall asleep on your bed because I can. Happy?"
"Tell me why you're actually here or I will tell people about your secret collection of Law and Order fanfiction."
Sebastian sighed and pressed his head into Chandler's pillow. "I had a nightmare a bunch of crazy vampire slayers were chasing me and that I was going to die on the winter solstice," he yawned, burying his face in the pillow. "Goodnight."
Chandler smiled, shaking his head. "So you came to me because you had a nightmare? Is it because you feel safe with me?"
"Fuck, ew, no," Sebastian groaned but didn't open his head, burying himself in Chandler's pillow. "No, I came because a bunch of vampire slayers were chasing me and I was going to die unless I came to a safe location so I decided that we should both die. Goodnight, Chandler and if you talk to this about anyone, I will do something really violent and dark that I can't really think of right now because I'm about to pass out from exhaustion."
Chandler shook his head as a smile still rested on his face. He pulled himself close to Sebastian, allowing his head to bury itself onto Sebastian's back. It amazed him how quickly Sebastian fell asleep. "Goodnight, Bas. Sweet dreams…I hope no vampire slayers come and find us."
"Not funny, Chandler. I had a steak hit me twice. It was delicious."
"Do you always get nightmares?" Chandler softly asked, running his fingers through Sebastian's hair as lovingly as possible.
"Touch my hair again and I'll break your metacarpal." Sebastian snuggled into Chandler's bed, humming to himself slightly. "Only every single night of my life but it's not like I have it every time I fall asleep."
"Awww," Chandler's face fell completely as he caressed Sebastian's cheek.
"Chandler…if you want all twenty-seven bones in your hand in one place, I suggest you stop touching me – if you want to touch me, you can trail your hand a little farther south of my anatomy." Sebastian suggested with a playful smirk on his lips. Sebastian's eyes were closed in the conversation, almost as if he was trying to fall asleep and talk at the same time. "Fine, I get nightmares. What's so enchanting about me being terrified to death?"
"I don't know – you just came into my apartment at four am because you had a nightmare. I used to do that stuff with my Dad."
"My Dad's been in Paris for the last four years of my life so I can't really hitch a ride to Paris any time soon," Sebastian let out another stretched yawn. "I would rather give myself a compound fracture rather than go to my Mother to calm down after a nightmare – she would pull me close to her 32DD inflated balloons and suffocate me to death. I'd rather be sacrificed to the vampires. Goodnight, Chan. Let me sleep or else you'll find yourself in a very unlikely place in the morning."
"Your insults get worse and worse the earlier it gets in the morning," Chandler pressed his face into the back of Sebastian's hair. "Your hair is so warm and lustrous."
"Thank you. I try. In the morning with a 1" flat iron," Sebastian muttered. "Are you done yet? Some of us want to have wet dreams…and get me a bigger blanket next time. This doesn't cover my toes. Just because one of us resembles a hobbit doesn't mean that I should freeze to death."
"Mmhmm, I'm done. And I'm sorry that not all of us are as tall as a tree," Chandler's face then softened dramatically as he assured Sebastian with a softer voice. "You can wake me up any time when you have a nightmare."
Sebastian grimaced in his pseudo-sleep. "I don't have any nightmares, Chan. Go to sleep. I can't believe I drove all the way to your house at four am just because you had an stupid ickle nightmare."
Chandler shook his head in disbelief of Sebastian's antics of denial, yet allowed a very gentle smile to find its way to his lips. "Whatever you say, Bassie," he rolled his eyes at how typical it was. "Goodnight, Mr macho man that came to my rescue at four am."
Sebastian let out his third yawn that early morning. "Damn straight."
Chandler had laughed as Sebastian walked inside of the room, raising an eyebrow at the sight of his boyfriend cuddled on the couch, wearing a sweater that was bigger than the rest of him and eating piece after piece of popcorn. "What the hell are you watching? Friends or some shit?"
"No, I'm boycotting Friends because my parents named me after Chandler," Chandler chimed in and then grinned as wide as he could. "No, I'm watching this really hilariously bad horror movie."
Sebastian snorted at Chandler's response and then sat down beside Chandler only to have his face pale when he finally saw the contents of the screen. Chandler was too busy nudging the bowl towards Sebastian, trying to offer his lover some popcorn. "What?" Chandler tried to understand why Sebastian had suddenly paled. "Afraid of butter?"
Sebastian's eyes darkened at that comment. "Do I fucking look like Hummel?"
Chandler shook his head, laughing. "Yes, you do. You both have dark hair that you style it in the same way and really light eyes and pale skin…and you're both taller than me. You're both thin…"
Sebastian suddenly grimaced and shook his head. "Chan, you're making me want to hate myself. I look nothing like Gay face Sprinkle toes." His eyes then drifted off to the screen, only to have his face pale even more. "Chan, Chan, babe, did…did that guy's lung got pulled out?"
"Mmhmm," Chandler bobbed his head as if nothing had ever happened. "It's so fake. Especially the scene where this Doctor drills in this woman's head. It's just so obviously fake that it doesn't scare me and you know I'm scared of light sometimes." He chirped happily, taking a handful of popcorn and putting it into his mouth. He gleefully chewed amongst the screaming of victims.
"Yeah," Sebastian nodded his head, eyes still wide and he swore his heart was palpitating. His blood vessels constricted. "Really…uh, fake."
Chandler laughed and placed the bowl of popcorn on Sebastian's lap to offer some to his lover. "There's this other really stupid scene where this guy finds this girl with some of her brain missing and I'm like – that's not even close to being original." Chandler rolled his eyes.
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "I really want to see what you're going to do when you find me with parts of my organs missing."
Chandler giggled and shook his head. "Well, it's not going to be your heart."
Sebastian took a deep breath to try and steady his racing heartbeat. He felt himself sweating as he stared at the screen. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Chandler, I think I need to use the bathroom. All this, uh, fakeness is making me want to shit myself."
Chandler nodded obliviously as Sebastian left. He took another handful of popcorn before he heard violent retching coming from the bathroom. A horrified Chandler placed the bowl on the table, paused the movie and practically raced into the bathroom to see Sebastian with his head stuck down the toilet, puking up a storm. "Oh my God, are you sick? Do you need me around? Are you feverish? Was it something you ate? Did you even eat today? Oh my God, look at you, you look like…like that guy in that movie. Your skin is really grey and you look bad."
Sebastian blushed adamantly at being caught in the act of spewing and Chandler finally got why he would blush in the first place. "Oh, the horror movie…"
Sebastian glared at Chandler whom was trying very hard to suppress his laughter. "Shut up, Chandler. I am very sensitive to seeing lungs and other body parts out of a person. It's not funny. I like my lungs. I like my lungs a lot. They help me breathe and shit. What if they decided to cut off that guy's dick? It's not funny to be dickless. How do you have sex? I'm not getting myself a premature vagina."
"You're just…" Chandler shook his head as if Sebastian hadn't said anything. "Really? Horror movies?"
"Not all of us can be Hannibal Lector, Chan." Sebastian finally stated, shrugging as he held his head down in humiliation. "Not that I finished that one either."
Chandler giggled again. "But Silence of the Lambs is awesome!" he looked overly happy at his extensive knowledge of horror movies and his immunity to blood. "It's not even horrifying. It's this really good thriller—"
Sebastian could not get any redder right about that second. "Chandler?"
Chandler, whom was sporting a good mood, simply smiled and responded. "Yes, Bassie?"
Sebastian's eyes darkened as his facial expression hardened. "Shut up."
Chandler had walked into his – and supposedly Sebastian's considering Sebastian's ass was forever implanted in his apartment – room to shockingly find Sebastian lying down on the bed. It wasn't that that was so shocking considering that he nearly lived on Chandler's bed for the better part of six weeks and then there was the fact that all Sebastian ever did was sleep and eat…he was kinda like taking care of a very tall pet. It was just the fact that Chandler had caught Sebastian clutching a huge cream-coloured fluffy teddy bear with a very obnoxious red bow around its neck that had rendered the blonde speechless.
Sebastian yawned and opened his eyes only to find Chandler standing there, grinning at him, and looking overly zealous. Chandler shook his head. "I thought you hated that gift I got you for your birthday. You threw it across the room and told me that I should've just surprised you in bed wearing nothing but a bow. You…awww."
"…this never happened," was Sebastian's only words, steady and low, almost as if the FBI can hear him. "If you turn around and get that pretty little blonde ass out the door, then this never happened and I have the smallest shreds of masculinity in me."
Chandler shook his head. "I find it cute. It's like you're sleeping with a little part of me every time you go to bed."
"…I still wonder why I have a cock half the time," Sebastian groaned, burying his head in the bear's back. His face was half-covered by the ribbon. "Go away, Chandler. I'm sleepy and I haven't slept in a whole 5 hours. Leave."
"You're always asleep," Chandler complained.
Sebastian smirked from where he laid. "You're always breathing but you don't hear me complaining."
Chandler crossed his arms and corrected him. "You just did."
"Fuck you, Christopher Nolan. Don't try to be clever with me, you little whore. You know I can poison your food."
Chandler had gone into another giggling fit, shaking his head at the inaccuracy of the statement. "To poison my food, you have to put in effort and we both know how you tend to not like that, especially when it comes to putting effort in life."
"Touché," Sebastian sighed. "Now, out of my room and leave me and Blaine to cuddle to express our love for each other. You wouldn't understand. And shut the fucking door behind you. God, it's like a guy can't fall asleep in another guy's apartment anymore. Sheesh."
Chandler allowed the smile to widen on his lips. "You called the bear I got you Blaine? Like Kurt's boyfriend Blaine? That's cute. You guys are like Snape and Lily."
"Babe, if another person was my boyfriend, they'd have probably thrown me out the house."
Chandler shrugged. "I know that Blaine isn't ever going to give you a chance so…" Sebastian simply glared at Chandler, whom just shook his head. "Sorry, sweetheart, but that's completely and utterly the truth. Else he'd haven't have sent back the huge plane ticket you gave him to go around the world in 80 days just to express the lengths of your perpetual one-sided love for him—I don't need material things. Plus, I have you, and you're holding the teddy bear I got you, so I win, Blaine Anderson—how come you named it Blaine anyway? It doesn't even look like a Blaine."
Sebastian tugged at the ribbon as if it was obvious as to why. "It has a little red bowtie."
Chandler was making himself some macaroni and cheese when he felt Sebastian shake his shoulders. Chandler was looking up at Sebastian's face to find Sebastian was pouting. His eyes were wide with sadness. Chandler frowned immediately, seeing Sebastian so completely and utterly vulnerable. "What's the matter, Bassie?" Chandler asked, his eyes wide with compassion and love.
Sebastian sighed erratically. "It's my cat."
"You mean the one that I despise more than anything else in the planet?" Chandler quickly asked, eyes on the ground at his confession. "She keeps scratching me and peeing on me."
"She's smart. She only likes me," Sebastian explained and shook his head, his eyes filled with despair. "She ran away."
"Awww!" Chandler's arms were around Sebastian's waist and Sebastian pulled him away immediately, as if it was simply his body's negative feedback mechanism to the slightest embrace.
"What the fuck was that? Was that an attack?" Sebastian's eyes suddenly darkened.
Chandler giggled, shaking his head. He leaned forward to the less guarded Chandler and had embraced him again, wrapping his arms around Sebastian's waist and burying his head in his chest. "No, it's a hug. It's a hug because I'm sad too that your cat is lost."
Sebastian raised his eyebrow at this sudden piece of information for the boy that wanted to get into Harvard. "No, you aren't sad. You'd pay a whole $10 just to make sure she stays lost."
"Sebastian, I'm hugging you. Hug back so we can pretend that I miss your evil cat." Chandler said, emphasising on evil cat.
Sebastian shook his head and wrapped his arms around Chandler in return, burying his head in Chandler's hair. "It's just so sad. I've had that cat for a whole one week. That's the closest I'd ever let a mangy, disgusting, putrid pet near me, you know?"
Chandler nodded his head. "Yeah, I know because you won't let me get anything in this apartment that wasn't a goldfish—I had about 12 of them for a whole three years before you cat decided that was for chow."
"Stop pitying yourself," Sebastian glared at him. "This is the mourning of my cat and remembering all of the good she ever did, like for example, how she used to glare at every other cat because of her jealous nature. She was so adorable she always reminded me of my obnoxious Mother, except with less boob."
Chandler nodded his head. "And the way she…um…" he tried to figure out a good quality for Sebastian's cat. "…breathed!"
Sebastian sent Chandler a cold, hard glare and then his face immediately softened in memory of the old cat, as he added on. "Nobody can bite Hummel like she can, Chan."
Chandler patted on Sebastian's back, even though he had to stand on his tip toes to do so. "I know, honey. I know."
Chandler Kiehl was holding a bouquet of flowers to give to Sebastian. Sebastian seemed to pale when he saw Chandler standing there, extending his arms to offer him the flowers.
Sebastian rolled his eyes and took the bouquet. "What the fuck is this, Chan?"
"I was not trying to be-"
Quickly, Chandler was cut off by a sneeze from Sebastian's direction. Chandler didn't know what was going on until Sebastian sneezed again. "What fucking flower is this?" he asked, nose congested and eyes watery. "Did you poison this thing?"
"It's a sunflower."
"Doesn't that shit have pollen?" Sebastian asked, throwing the flowers on the ground and letting out another sneeze. "Trying to kill me with his fucking romance."
"You're allergic to pollen?"
"No," Sebastian rolled his eyes. "My eyes just tend to water and I tend to go into sneezing fits. The fucking shit."
"So you're allergic to pollen," Chandler concluded and shaking his head. "That is the cutest allergy known to mankind."
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Sadistic bastard. Thinking that allergies are cute. What if I died whenever I smelled a flower?"
"Then that would make a really good story."
"I'm not the one that wants Kurtie's toes to defrost off his body." Chandler pointed out and then his lips twitched. "Plus, if I'm so sadistic, then I'm really classy by trying to kill you by being romantic."
"This isn't romance. It's death." Sebastian pointed out, as his eyes hardened. "Fuck it, Chan. I could've died."
Chandler smiled and shook his head. "You could've died getting mail today but really, you can die at any time so your argument is sort of invalid."
"Your argument is even more invalid," Sebastian corrected with a self-satisfied smirk. "I didn't get any mail today, Chan."
"Hey, you little three cent whore," Sebastian lovingly called out to his boyfriend, Chandler Kiehl. "Come here."
Chandler shook his head, abandoning his bowl of cookie dough to find Sebastian on his knees in the living room. They were in Sebastian's household for a change as his parents were away. Chandler moved towards Sebastian only to see Sebastian's source of dismay, which was the fact that there was a small bruise on Sebastian's knee and a large gash just below it.
"What happened?" Chandler asked, as Sebastian pointed to the stairs.
"The culprit of this horrific injury," Sebastian called out darkly. "Chan, I'm going to bleed to death."
"Why do you always think you're going to die?" Chandler shook his head at Sebastian's over-reacting to…just about everything as he looked down at his knee. "I'm going to get the first aid kit and don't move from here and you won't bleed and die just before you say it."
"I wasn't going to say that," Sebastian huffed. "You forgot the part where I mention that my blood will be forever implanted in this carpet and my Mother will go ape-shit about her $225 carpet."
Chandler had left to come back with the first aid kit, getting out the peroxide to splash Sebastian's wound with. Sebastian looked like he wanted to run away when he saw that familiar bottle. When Chandler had splashed the peroxide on the wound, Sebastian had let out a horrific scream that made Chandler's heart weigh heavily on him. "CHANDLER!"
Chandler frowned. "I'm sorry, but do you want to get infected by something evil and die?"
"I'd rather die. That thing was like being splashed by the fiery gates of Hell," Sebastian groaned, hitting his head backwards as he rested his head on the ground.
Chandler shook his head at the inaccuracy of that statement." Well, you haven't been to Hell so…" He'd bandaged Sebastian up and then smiled. "There! All better. I am Nurse Chandler. Certified in cleaning up your messes. How did you fall down the stairs anyway?"
Sebastian's cheeks reddened. "I was trying to do Hopscotch down the fucking stairs."
"Bad Bassie. You get a time-out to think about what you did. Just like the time-out I gave you when you slushied your one-sided love, Blaine, and nearly blinded him."
Sebastian's eyes widened at Chandler's stubbornness. "But Chaaaaaaaan…I wanted to look at Christian Bale's abs."
Chandler stood up and crossed his arms at Sebastian's antic just to implant the idea that he was supposed to have a time-out. "You should've thought of that before doing something dumb."
"But Chan!" Sebastian threw his arms around in over exaggeration, not really being able to move with the wound still fresh – that or it was an act of pure laziness, something Chandler realised was more likely the answer to his question. "I always do stupid shit! Come back! Release me from my punishment and take me to the direction of my TV!"
Sebastian Smythe was shaking Chandler from his sleep as uncontrollably as possible. Chandler had snapped his eyes wide open at Sebastian's urgency.
"What? What happened? Did someone die?" Chandler asked, his eyes wide with alert and fear. "Oh my God, did you forget to turn of the stove again? Am I burning right now—"
"CHAN, CHAN, CHAN! Stop fucking panicking because nobody damn well died and no, the house isn't burning down and you are still as fucking annoying as ever—look, look, look! It's midnight, babe!" Sebastian continued to shake Chandler uncontrollably. "It's midnight!"
Chandler blinked a few times as Sebastian bolted out of the room.
"IT'S CHRISTMAS, CHAN!"
Chandler shook his head in disbelief, with a small smile on his lips. "Sure it is, Bassie," he said, but then collapsed backwards on his bedside, burying his face into his pillow. "Goodnight. It'll be Christmas tomorrow morning too."
Xo Peanut Butter/Sam