I don't own any GI Joe characters. The disclaimer that should be telling you that is blitzed out on egg nog. This is my holiday gift of madness to you all. If you are looking for a heartwarming, meaningful story about love and giving go look somewhere else. This is a different kind of Christmas fic. This is…
"I hate my life…" Destro moaned as the radio played in the control room of their ship. "Holly Jolly Christmas my hindquarters! They can take their holly and their jolly, tie it up with a sprig of mistletoe and shove it up…"
"Destro please…" The Baroness sighed. She was sitting on a couch drinking some hot toddy. "I know things are not exactly good right now…"
"Not exactly good? We passed not exactly good when Cobra went bankrupt!" Destro spat. "We zoomed by complete and total disaster when we were forced to go on the run. And now that Cobra now consists of exactly six people and have lost everything we own to traitors we are directly at the corner of Ruination Lane and Apocalypse Ave!"
"Come now Destro," Mindbender was stirring a hot toddy punch bowl he put up on a small table. "Have some hot toddy. It will help relax you."
"I highly doubt it," Destro grumbled.
"At least we have a roof over our heads," Xamot spoke up as he worked on some computer equipment with his brother.
"Such as it is," Tomax agreed.
"A stolen yacht slash submarine is not a real base!" Destro snapped. "Of course our real base and all our possessions were taken by those maniacs at Mongoose Incorporated! It was an insult to injury after the nightmare of a journey we had to get there only to learn that we had been replaced!"
"Destro we've all had a horrible year but the holidays are a time to relax and celebrate," The Baroness said.
"Celebrate what? Poverty? Being obsolete?" Destro spat. "Replaced by the dumbest Dreadnok in the world! I still can't get over that!"
"I'm celebrating survival," Mindbender groaned as he took a drink from the punch bowl with his glass. "Especially after that harrowing trip back to California."
"I know. What are the odds we hijack a private plane only to find out it's already being hijacked by another group of terrorists?" The Baroness groaned.
"Those religious extremists have no sense of humor," Tomax agreed.
"Or survival," Xamot nodded. "They almost killed us all when they tried to crash the plane into the Hollywood sign!"
"Who would have thought Cobra would have done something to stop terrorism?" Mindbender added. "That is a twist I did not see coming!"
"One of many this horrible year," Destro groaned. "We are penniless, powerless and the laughingstock of the terrorism community!"
"Perhaps the Mayans were not so inaccurate on their predictions of doom after all?" The Baroness shrugged.
"And I can't go back to my family because they blame me for losing the family estate and have put out a contract on my life!" Destro moaned. "I may never spend another holiday with them again!"
He then thought a minute. "Okay, maybe there is one good thing about the holidays this year."
"Well I'm back!" Cobra Commander stomped in. Over his usual uniform he wore a Santa suit with black boots and on top of his helmet he had a fur lined Santa hat. He carried a red bucket and a bell. "Nine hours and all I got was thirty bucks, three cough drops, a paper clip, a half chewed golf pencil and an IOU."
"Cobra Commander you can't go out dressed as Santa and scam money from people," Destro moaned.
"You're damn right I can't," Cobra Commander threw off his hat. "It just doesn't pay enough! I mean who writes an IOU for a charity bucket? Seriously?"
"I mean…Okay I'm going to just ignore the morality of the situation because quite frankly that's way over your head," Destro groaned. "I mean what did you expect dressed like that?"
"I have a Santa suit on," Cobra Commander said as he put the bucket and bell down.
"Santa usually doesn't hide his face with a silver mask and sound like he's leaking helium," Destro folded his arms.
"Calm down. They were having some kind of comic convention on the street. Nobody noticed," Cobra Commander waved as he sat down on a chair. "I tell ya it's no wonder that the Salvation Army and all those other charities are losing money every year! People are such cheapskates! And that's me talking!"
"You are not exactly known for your charitable spirit," Destro admitted.
"Yeah but even I wouldn't drop in an IOU! That's just insulting!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Okay once I did drop in a hand grenade. But that fake Santa had it coming and it turned out to be a dud anyway!"
"Relax Destro. He looks fine," Mindbender waved. "And that extra padding on his stomach makes him look like Santa anyway."
"I'm not wearing any padding," Cobra Commander glared at the scientist.
"Oops. My bad," Mindbender coughed.
"Commander what are we doing?" Destro asked.
"Looks like you are all sitting around doing nothing but filling your gullets with alcohol while I'm freezing my ass off!" Cobra Commander spat.
"No, I meant what are we doing here?" Destro explained. "Cobra is finished. We're through. It's over!"
"It is not over! Please, I started Cobra with less than this!" Cobra Commander spat. "Just me, a sack of jewels and a dream to rule the human race!"
"Get another sack of jewels and we'll talk," The Baroness quipped.
"That will be difficult because I got the first one from the leader of Cobra La and well…" Cobra Commander admitted. "I'm not exactly welcome back there. If there is anything left of the place after GI Joe blew it up. But there is still hope! I have a plan!"
"Not another one!" Destro moaned as Cobra Commander took a piece of paper out of his pocket.
"We're all doomed," The Baroness moaned.
"Completely doomed," The Twins said as one.
"It's a simple plan. Step One: Raise a ton of cash," Cobra Commander showed them the list. "Step Two: Find a base of operations. Step Three: build up an army and an arsenal of weapons. Step Four: Create an ultimate weapon you can use. And Step Five: Use it on Mongoose Incorporated and make them pay!"
"In other words it's the same old plan you have used before," Destro sighed.
"No, it is a completely different plan!" Cobra Commander protested.
"Who are you trying to fool?" The Baroness asked. "It's the same old plan we've always used!"
"No, it's not!" Cobra Commander said.
"Commander we can see GI Joe crossed out on Step Five and replaced with Mongoose Incorporated!" Destro pointed out.
"Oh well…Technically since we're going after different people…" Cobra Commander began. "Like those traitors…"
"Here we go again," Destro moaned. "Commander it's over. There's nothing more we can do!"
"Of course there is! You just have to believe!" Cobra Commander spoke up. "Isn't that what the holiday season is about? Believing in miracles?"
"Well that is an accurate description of what it will be if Cobra ever does rise again!" The Baroness agreed.
"Come on! Where's your holiday spirit?" Cobra Commander asked.
"I got your spirit right here pal," Mindbender grumbled as he held up his egg nog.
"Well that's a start," Cobra Commander went over to the punch bowl. "This is alcoholic isn't?"
"Would I be drinking this if it wasn't?" Mindbender asked.
"Right stupid question," Cobra Commander nodded as he got himself some punch. "The point is this is the season of hope in giving. As in I hope we give Mongoose Incorporated a good kick in the ass!"
"Look those traitors screwed all of us," Destro snapped. "Especially me! I'm the one who had the most to lose! I'm the one who lost his ancestral home! His corporation! His entire way of life!"
"Oh crap. Here we go again," Cobra Commander groaned. "I should have kept my mouth shut."
"Oh now you are just figuring that out?" The Baroness asked sarcastically.
"Destro could you please spare us your usual four hour rant about the Dreadnoks?" Xamot sighed.
"It's the holidays. We need a break," Tomax said.
"Yes give us a break before we break your head!" Cobra Commander snapped as he used the straw in his helmet to drink the egg nog.
"Not exactly a very nice sentiment during this time of year," Destro sniffed.
"Oh boo hoo! It's a little past time worrying about ending up on Santa's naughty list!" Cobra Commander mocked.
"If there was such a thing we'd probably hold the record," The Baroness snorted.
"I wish that really was true," Mindbender sighed. "We could use a ton of coal. We could sell it for fuel. Or make diamonds from it."
"Well we…." Cobra Commander stopped. "Mindbender…Say that again!"
"What about the coal?" Mindbender blinked.
"Yes! Yes! The making diamonds from coal! We know how to do it! We can scrounge up the technology!" Cobra Commander shouted. "We've manufactured diamonds before and it worked in the past! Why can't we do it now?"
"Yes, but back then we had the actual technology and facilities as well as the staff to carry out all that," Destro pointed out. "It's impossible to do it now in our current situation. Especially with Mindbender."
"Impossible? Ha! Destro I once made a machine to enter people's dreams using an antiquated computer, some dental equipment I had lying around and parts of an old lawn chair!" Mindbender huffed. "A few trips to some dumps or flea markets and I'm certain I can come up with a device that can create coal from diamonds."
"See? Cobra can do anything it puts its mind to!" Cobra Commander crowed.
"Anything except be sane for a few minutes," Destro sighed. "One question. Where exactly are we going to get the coal?"
"Hmmm…Hold on! I think I have a plan," Cobra Commander thought. "Where's today's paper?"
"In the bathroom. Where else?" Mindbender said.
"Hold on!" Cobra Commander stormed to the lavatory.
"Great, now I know this idea will go down the toilet before it even starts!" Destro moaned.
"Here it is!" Cobra Commander returned with a newspaper. "Look!"
"There's a sale at Tiffany's!" The Baroness quipped.
"Isn't the line 'There's a sale at Penny's'?" Destro asked.
"You shop where you want to shop. I'll shop where I want to shop," The Baroness told him.
"Very amusing. Now look at this," Cobra Commander pointed.
"Man on probation after reports of ostrich abuse," Mindbender read.
"No, not that!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Below that!"
"All you can eat buffet at…" Xamot read.
"Not that! Next to that!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Scout completes Eagle Project…" Tomax added.
"Now I know you're just screwing around! Quit it!" Cobra Commander snarled. "There! Right there! Santa Train comes back to town!"
"Santa Train?" Destro asked.
"It's one of those stupid things they do for kids," Cobra Commander waved. "They go on this train in their pajamas. Talk to Santa. Get a free crappy toy and then ride around for a bit. But look, this train just happens to be powered by coal! See where I'm going with this?"
"Unfortunately yes…" The Baroness groaned.
"Oh this is going to be bad," Destro moaned. "I just know it…"
Not long after that…
"I knew it," Destro frowned. "This is bad even for us!" He was wearing a red and green elf suit and a green elf hat with a jingle bell on top of it.
"Look we had to blend in!" Cobra Commander snapped. He was wearing the Santa suit and had the hat as well. "Just in case someone spots us hiding in the baggage cart!"
"Still feel ridiculous," Mindbender grumbled. He was wearing his usual Cobra outfit but his one concession was a purple elf hat with a pair of fake elf ears.
"At least we blend in!" The Baroness snapped. She was wearing a shapely green elf outfit complete with a bell hat.
"It's not my fault they didn't have any more spare costumes!" Mindbender huffed.
"It doesn't matter. You know the plan. We sit here in the baggage cart and wait until the twins secure the engine room," Cobra Commander said. "Once Santa comes along and distracts the children and their parents we move in, steal all the coal and run out before the train is scheduled to depart. Simple!"
"We are stealing coal from children on Christmas Eve," The Baroness groaned. "That's gotta be a new low even for the Naughty List."
"Hey, if anybody deserves a ton of coal it's us!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Truer words were never spoken," Destro remarked. He then had a thought. "Commander do you mind if I ask a question?"
"I do but that's never stopped you before," Cobra Commander sighed. "What is it Destro?"
"I know you are from Cobra La so the odds of you celebrating Christmas are as low as our bank account," Destro said. "But just to satisfy my intellectual curiosity, do your people have any similar holidays during this time of year?"
"Actually Destro now that you mention it, we do have a holiday during this very same time of year," Cobra Commander remembered. "We call it Rem Zar Ka Ran Lar. Roughly translated it means the Day the Snake God Ka Swallowed the Sun."
"Sounds like a charming holiday," The Baroness remarked.
"Basically we celebrate the day when the historical hero Ran Lar challenged his father Ka to a battle when he swallowed the sun," Cobra Commander explained. "And he made him spit it back out again. Therefore saving all of Cobra La and life on Earth."
"Why did Ka swallow the sun in the first place?" Mindbender asked.
"I dunno. He was either hungry for something hot or mad at his third wife the Earth for some stupid reason," Cobra Commander waved. "Never really paid much attention to the old myths. My family wasn't really big on religion."
"Imagine that," Destro said in a deadpanned voice.
"Now that I think about it, there are a lot of similarities to Snake God Swallowing the Sun Day and Christmas," Cobra Commander remembered. "You exchange gifts in both holidays. There's lots of cookies and liquor. There's a tree you decorate. Of course every Cobra La household has at least one living tree inside it so you decorate it for almost every holiday all year long…"
"Sounds like a time saver," Mindbender remarked.
"And both are big holidays for children. I remember when I was a lad. Waking up to presents and fresh cooked eel," Cobra Commander began to reminisce. "Going out to see the traditional Rem Zar Ka Ran Lar pageant. Standing in line eagerly to tell Rem Zar Ka Ran Lar what I wanted."
"Wait, you told this Ran Lar what you wanted like Santa?" Mindbender asked.
"Something like that. Only instead of a fat old guy we talked to a buff sword wielding young warrior in war paint," Cobra Commander said. "And we didn't ask for presents. We'd ask him to beat the crap out of Ka. And then we got a treat of candied meat."
"How charming," Destro remarked.
"Of course I stopped believing in Ran Lar when I was nine but still…" Cobra Commander sighed wistfully. "I remember all those fun holidays as a child. Eating cookies in the shape of dead snakes. Rooting on the giant crab races. Cheering with delight as my parents bought me rotten fruit to fling at the convicted criminals in the cages. Lighting the bonfire that would eventually burn the animal sacrifices. And of course the occasional convicted criminal."
"And another piece of the puzzle falls into place," Destro moaned.
"And then we'd all sing the traditional Ran Lar carols," Cobra Commander was definitely in a nostalgic mood. "Praise Ran Lar For His Valor. Ran Lar's Great Bloody Sword. Ka Got His Fangs Kicked In. Maka Loki, Ran Lar's Funny Fat Drunken Servant. And my personal favorite: Let The Blood of Our Enemies Flood The Earth."
"Perfect holiday songs for any child," The Baroness remarked.
"Well that last one is a lot catchier than you would think," Cobra Commander explained. "A bit more upbeat."
"Really?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
Cobra Commander then began to sing a very upbeat tune. "Raku Lar! Raku Lar! Iko say ney tha! Sinli kya tele ran Ka Raku Lar!" He began to clap and sing several more unintelligible words.
"Yes, what holiday would be complete without a traditional Cobra La blood song?" Destro muttered.
Cobra Commander didn't hear. He finished singing. "Oh that takes me back. How I miss those simple, carefree days of my youth! The days when I actually had some cash! What is taking the Twins so long anyway?"
The Crimson Twins entered the room wearing green and red elf suits and hats. "Well?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We have good news…" Tomax said.
"And bad news," Xamot said.
"The good news is that the engine room is secure," Tomax said. "And there is plenty of coal there."
"And the bad news?" Cobra Commander asked.
"It appears that the engineer likes to drink…" Xamot explained.
"And not alone," Tomax moaned.
"What do you mean?" Destro asked.
"Follow us," Tomax said.
"And we'll show you," Xamot added.
"Oh why do I have the feeling things will not go as smoothly as planned?" Destro moaned as they made their way to the engine room.
"Hold on, we can't go that way through the passenger cars," Mindbender said. "People will see us!"
"They didn't really notice us before," Tomax grumbled.
"SANTA! SANTA! SANTA! SANTA!" The shouts of children could be heard.
"Good lord it sounds like the children are ready to tear the place down," The Baroness remarked.
"We're just going to have to wait for Santa to arrive and distract the children," Cobra Commander said.
"It's going to be a long wait," Xamot said.
"That's the problem," Tomax said. "Both Santa and the engineer are passed out drunk."
"What?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Can't we just go outside and around…?" The Baroness asked.
"No! For some reason the only way to the engine room is through the passenger car!" Cobra Commander groaned.
"SANTA! SANTA! SANTA! WE WANT SANTA!" The Children shouted.
"Why the devil didn't you two just get some coal and carry it back here?" Mindbender hissed.
"Oh sure," Xamot drawled. "Carry a couple of bulging sacks…"
"Through a passenger car filled with present crazed children," Tomax added.
"What could go wrong?" The Twins said as one.
"The only way we could get through was we told a lie and said we would get Santa soon!" Xamot hissed.
"There is a horde of hyper children ready to pounce on anyone who denies them their holiday hero!" Tomax said.
"Well what about their parents? Where are they?" The Baroness asked.
"Apparently they're drinking in the dining car," Tomax sighed.
"Such responsible parenting," Destro remarked.
"You would think that there would be better security for the welfare of children in places like this!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Or at the very least they'd make sure not to hire drunks!"
"Look someone has to go out there and stall them until we get the coal," Destro said. "Not it!"
"Yes, a metal headed Santa would pose a few questions," Tomax nodded. "I could do it."
"No, I could!" Xamot snapped.
"Obviously you two are out. Two Santas?" The Baroness groaned.
"You go out Baroness! You can be an elf or something," Cobra Commander waved.
"I can't be an elf without Santa! They want Santa!" The Baroness motioned to the door where the sounds of anxious children were growing louder.
"Don't look at me," Mindbender pointed to his washboard stomach. "There's no way I can pull off being Santa! Not with these abs!"
"I've always been curious to why you never wear a shirt," Destro remarked.
"When you've got a six pack like mine, why hide it?" Mindbender shrugged.
"It is impressive," Xamot said.
"We must admit," Tomax said.
"For a mad scientist," The Twins said as one.
"Fine! If you want to do something right, do it yourself!" Cobra Commander stuck the Santa hat back on. "I knew I would have to do something to save this operation!"
"Commander!" The Baroness pointed to his face.
"Way ahead of you Baroness," Cobra Commander pushed a hidden button on the side of his helmet. Suddenly a holographic Santa face appeared on his helmet. Actually it looked exactly like a cartoon Santa face from a bad children's cartoon.
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Cobra Commander did a Santa impersonation. Of course the lips did not move as he spoke. And he still sounded like a snake.
"Well that is not creepy at all," The Baroness said sarcastically.
"Just back me up!" Cobra Commander hissed. "And the rest of you once I distract the children go through and get to work!" He left the room.
"I didn't know his helmet could do that," Mindbender blinked. "Did you know his helmet could do that?"
"No I didn't," The Baroness said.
"Just go out there Baroness while we try and get the coal in the bags," Destro groaned.
"SANTA! SANTA! SANTA! SANTA!"
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Cobra Commander came out in his Santa disguise. "Merry…Holiday!"
A collective silence fell over the children. "You're not Santa!" One kid shouted.
"Yes I am! I look just like him!" Cobra Commander said.
"That's a mask!" Another child shouted.
"Who are you trying to fool?" Another kid yelled.
"Uh Santa has a cold and doesn't want to pass it on to you children," The Baroness coughed as she appeared by his side.
"His beard fit in there too?" Another kid called out.
"I had an accident! Some of the elves were trying out a new Cindy Cut Hair toy and it got out of control!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Look can't we just get on with this? The sooner we get this over with the sooner you get your toys and I get paid!"
"He's got a point," Another child spoke up.
"Well at least he's fat enough to be Santa," A young girl spoke up.
"Yes well…" Cobra Commander gritted his teeth. "You tell me what you want and I wills send my magical elf helpers to get your presents." He pointed to the Cobras behind him.
"Where did you get these elves? Comic Con?" A kid called out.
"Boy talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel," Another child said.
"Hey at least this one isn't like the drunk from last year," A third child shouted.
"Just uh come to me children and ignore the elves who have work to do," Cobra Commander hissed as the other Cobras scurried out of the car. "Just tell me what you want and I will get it."
"You have to sit down first," The Baroness whispered.
"Oh good idea. I don't feel like standing," Cobra Commander said as he saw a plush chair nearby. He sat down in in. Almost as soon as he did so a young plump seven year old boy sat on his lap. "HEY! Get off!"
"They're supposed to sit on your lap, Santa," The Baroness said in his ear. "Uh he means everybody stand in line for their turn."
"You're kidding me?" Cobra Commander moaned.
"Santa, be jolly," The Baroness said in a sing song voice.
"Oh I'm gonna be sore in the morning," Cobra Commander moaned. "Okay little boy…"
"Manny," The boy said.
"Okay Manny. Tell Santa what you want for Christmas," Cobra Commander tried to make the best of it.
"I want a train…" Manny said.
"Okay I'll give you this one," Cobra Commander quipped.
"Santa is just kidding," The Baroness covered. "Right Santa?"
"Yeah, just a laugh on the holiday. Ha, ha ha…" Cobra Commander tried to go back into character. "Anything else? Like a gun or something?"
"Santa!" The Baroness hissed.
"Mommy says guns are too violent," Manny said.
"What does your mother know?" Cobra Commander spat. "No guns for children! What is this world coming to?"
"Santa…" The Baroness gritted her teeth and said in a sing song voice.
"Fine. I'll sign you up for karate lessons. How's that?" Cobra Commander asked, more to the Baroness than to Manny. He shoved Manny off his lap. "Next!"
A little girl with blonde pig tails and pink pajamas jumped on his lap. "Oooh! Careful sweetie. Almost hit Santa in the holly berries," Cobra Commander gritted his teeth. "So what's your deal? What do you want?"
"I'm Mary and I want a doll, but not just any doll," The Little Girl said. "I want a Betty 2013 limited edition Holiday Hostess doll with real diamonds and a wait staff. And keep it in the box so it will be a collector's edition and I can sell it in a few years on E-bay."
"You're a smart kid Mary," Cobra Commander said. "Gonna be rich when you grow up. Okay. Doll for you. Next!" He shoved the girl off his lap.
A little boy walked up. "Hi Santa! My name is Toby and I want a bike, and a ball, and a train and a talking dog, and a snow cone maker, and a racecar and…"
"One wish per kid you greedy little maniac," Cobra Commander shoved the boy off his lap. "Next! Move it along! Keep it moving! Move it! Move it!"
"No Santa! You need to let the children take their time," The Baroness hissed. "So the elves can get their job done!"
"Oh right," Cobra Commander said. "But just one wish kids. Santa's not a millionaire. Got a lot of overhead due to elf unions and reindeer fees."
"Okay next," The Baroness said. "Here you go little boy."
"And what do you want?" Cobra Commander asked the little red haired freckled boy in blue pajamas.
"I'd like that elf lady's phone number," The boy pointed to the Baroness.
"How…sweet," The Baroness grimaced. "No, you can't have my number."
"Why not? Everyone else has had your number for years," Cobra Commander quipped. "Call me when you turn 18 kid and I'll see what I can do."
"Next!" The Baroness snapped. The little boy hopped off Cobra Commander's lap and managed to pat the Baroness's behind when he left. "HEY!"
"I like that kid," Cobra Commander chuckled. A little girl came on his lap next. "Okay little girl. Tell Santa what you want for Christmas."
"I want peace and love all over the world and no more wars," The little girl said innocently.
"Yeah that's not gonna happen," Cobra Commander chuckled. "Little girl there is always going to be wars and Santa makes a huge profit off of 'em!"
"Santa!" The Baroness hissed.
"Okay I'll send her a doll," Cobra Commander shoved the girl off of his lap. "Next!"
A little boy with brown hair sat on his lap. "Santa I want a cell phone with call waiting and unlimited data plan," He chirped.
"A cell phone? How old are you? Thirty?" Cobra Commander asked. He shoved the little boy off his lap. "Next!"
Another little girl sat on his lap. "Santa…I wanna get something for my Mommy. Can you get her a job for Christmas?"
"Well that depends, does your mom have any weapons experience?" Cobra Commander asked.
"SANTA!" The Baroness hissed.
"What? I could use someone in security! To uh…Protect the North Pole from the evil trolls who want to steal Christmas," Cobra Commander covered.
"Next!" The Baroness shoved the little girl from Cobra Commander's lap.
Another little boy took her place. "Santa I want stock options. No junk bonds."
"You and me both kid," Cobra Commander groaned. "Next!"
Another little boy with black hair jumped on his lap. "Oof! Kid maybe you should lay off the candy?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"You first," The boy said.
"Okay kid what do you want for Christmas besides a swift kick in the pants?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Look I know you're not the real Santa but I want stuff so listen up," The boy said. "I want a bunch of My Pods. Don't get me wrong. Not all of them are for me. The rest are…gifts for other people."
"Yeah right. Santa ain't made of money kid!" Cobra Commander said. "Ask for something else!"
"You sure you can't give out that elf lady's number?" The boy asked. "It's obviously cheap!"
"Why you little…!" The Baroness snapped as the boy ran off laughing.
"Behave Ms. Elf. It's for the children," Cobra Commander snickered. A very heavy girl jumped on his lap. "Ooff! I tell you, you kids should go on a diet for Christmas!"
"I want an easy bake oven," The girl said.
"Imagine that. Well at least I know you'll play with it," Cobra Commander shoved the girl off. "Next! Unless you're over a hundred and thirty pounds!"
Another boy came on his lap. "Santa I want a GI Joe action figure this Christmas."
"What? No! No you don't!" Cobra Commander said. "What you really want is a Cobra Commander action figure for Christmas."
"No, I don't," The boy frowned.
"Yes, you do. Because Cobra Commander is way cooler than GI Joe," Cobra Commander said.
"I want a GI Joe toy!" The boy said.
"Kid, GI Joe is a doll! That's all it is!" Cobra Commander said. "While Cobra Commander is a beloved action hero! Everyone loves Cobra Commander!"
"I don't even know who that is," The boy said.
"You don't…? How could you not know about Cobra Commander? Cobra Commander is the greatest military hero that ever lived! And the nicest man you will ever meet!" Cobra Commander said.
"Since when?" The Baroness asked.
"Quiet!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Children let Santa tell you the story of how Cobra Commander saved Christmas from GI Joe…And their evil giant parrot!"
"Oh this will definitely stall for time," The Baroness grumbled.
"Picture in your minds children one of those Claymation animated specials," Cobra Commander said. "One day Cobra Commander was in his fortress thinking of ways to bring happiness to all the children of the world!"
"And here comes another delusion of fantasy…" The Baroness groaned.
Fifteen minutes later…
"So I brought a battalion of vipers from the east and we swooped down on GI Joe and the evil trolls in a giant pincers movement," Cobra Commander was enthusiastically telling his story. "Destro brought in a squadron of Night Ravens and elves riding flying reindeer against the giant parrot and Ebenezer Scrooge!"
"Just when I thought the holidays could not get any worse…" The Baroness groaned.
"Just then the snake god Ka came down to swallow the sun! But I was ready for him with my trusty sword…" Cobra Commander swung his arms around pretending to hold a sword.
"Hey! This story is stupid!" A kid called out.
"Quiet! Santa's on a roll here!" Cobra Commander said.
"If you're Santa I'm the Little Drummer Boy!" Manny shouted.
"Yeah! Enough stalling! Time to bring on the presents!" Another kid shouted.
"Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!" The kids were starting to scream and stomp. One child was starting to foam at the mouth.
"Oh boy…" Cobra Commander began to back up. "Figures. The one day I leave the ship without my taser!"
"PRESENTS!" The sea of children attacked.
"AAAAH! AAAAHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as he was swarmed. "STOP HITTNG ME! STOP HITTING ME!"
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU LITTLE PERVERTS!" The Baroness yelled.
"COMMANDER! RUN FOR IT!" Destro yelled as he poked his head into the doorway. He was carrying a sack.
"PRESENTS!" A child screamed and pointed at Destro.
"Oh dear," Destro gulped. He turned and ran.
"PRESENTS!" The children forgot about Cobra Commander and the Baroness and ran after Destro.
"Oh my holly berries…" Cobra Commander moaned. His Santa suit was torn and the holographic face on his helmet was gone.
"I just got felt up more now than 1988's Christmas party," The Baroness groaned. Her elf suit was torn and her hair was a mess. "You remember? That's the one where Mindbender brought that mutant he made in his lab."
"The one with the tentacles? I remember," Cobra Commander staggered as he got up. "Come on. We have got to escape this unholy night and get back to our ship!"
"AAAAAHH! GET OFF! GET OFF!" Destro yelled.
"HEY THERE'S NOTHING BUT COAL IN THIS BAG!" A child shouted out.
"GET HIM!" Another child yelled.
"NO! NO! IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU WERE NAUGHTY! AAAAAH!" Destro yelled.
"THE COAL! SAVE THE COAL!" Cobra Commander screamed as he ran out.
"ONWARD CLYDE!" Mindbender was heard yelling. The Baroness looked out the window of the train and saw Mindbender riding a camel. He still had a bag. "GO CLYDE GO!"
"MUAAAAHHH!" The camel bawled.
"COME BACK WITH THOSE PRESENTS OR ELSE!" Someone shouted as a horde of children and adults chased him.
"FORGET THE PRESENTS! THAT JERK WAS KISSING MY WIFE!" A man shouted.
"Oh right there's a petting zoo around here somewhere too," The Baroness remarked as several sheep and goats also ran amok.
"AAAAH! THIS IS THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY KILLER GOATS!" Cobra Commander ran for his life from some rampaging horned goats. "OW!"
"RUN FOR IT BROTHER!" Xamot yelled as he and his twin were being chased by children, angry adults and some sheep.
"DIE YOU PHILANDERERS!" A man ran after them swinging around a plastic wise man.
"Eh, it's another regular Cobra Christmas," The Baroness sighed. "Aside from the rogue ninja attacks and the angry mutants, all that's missing is…"
One of the Christmas trees nearby burst into flames. "Oh yes. That's it," The Baroness sighed. "The usual Christmas tree in flames. I'd better find a good getaway car to steal…"
An hour and a half later…
"Well that got a little out of hand didn't it?" Cobra Commander groaned as he slunk down into the couch back at the Cobra ship.
"Dreadful," Destro moaned. His elf uniform was torn also. "Not as bad as our usual Cobra Christmas parties. But still dreadful."
"I knew this idea was a mistake," The Baroness groaned as she slunk in. All the other Cobras had their outfits and clothes torn.
"Hey! I did my part! It's not my fault we were up against a horde of horrible half pints and the rest of you blew your jobs! What the hell happened anyway?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I thought you were getting the coal from the engine room?"
"We were. Then Mindbender and the Twins had the bright idea to sneak into the dining cart and try and get some libations," Destro groaned.
"What's wrong with stealing some booze to bring back?" Cobra Commander asked.
"They were doing more drinking than stealing," Destro explained. "And then there was the mistletoe incident with a married woman. Correction…Three married women!"
"Those women came onto us," Mindbender said. "How were we supposed to know they were married?"
"Their husbands were right there!" Destro snapped. "Long story short…"
"Too late," Cobra Commander groaned.
"They chased after us and then the children chased after us and you know the rest…" Destro groaned.
"At least we got something," Mindbender pointed to the two sacks they managed to salvage.
"You stole the toys instead of the coal you idiots!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Not that I don't applaud your initiative but still…All I want for Christmas is fewer morons on my payroll!"
"What payroll? You haven't paid us in years!" The Baroness snapped. "Now what do we do?"
"We can always have fun with the toys," Tomax held up a present and unwrapped it. "All right!"
"A remote controlled helicopter!" Xamot whooped.
"Ooh! An Easy Bake Oven! I always wanted one of these!" Mindbender called out.
"Well at least the children will be happy this year," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Might as well check out this bag. Maybe there's something I can sell on e-bay?"
He opened one bag and put his hand in it. "What's this?" Cobra Commander pulled out something black and sooty. "It's coal! This bag is full of coal!"
"Unbelievable," Destro was stunned.
"We actually pulled it off," The Baroness was stunned.
"Coal! Lots of coal! Whoopie!" Cobra Commander danced around. "We did it! There is such a thing as a Christmas miracle! Santa is real and he loves us!"
"Well somebody in a red suit does," Destro rolled his eyes.
Happy Snake God Swallowing the Sun Day everyone! Oh and Merry Christmas to you too!