Chapter Four: Memories
I will wipe away my tears and hold your hand,
Because to me..you are my heaven,
Tears fall…and why can't I sleep and why do I think of you all day?
But I can't approach you and just linger around in pain…
He finally knew why he did not let go of Ellisana. She greatly reminded him of Violet who died because of his foolish actions as a teenager. Because of his foolishness and her admiration of Grabiner, Violet lost her life. She was very quick to follow him and always was at his side. Tears fell onto the card and his meal grew cold. He violently threw the tray with the card and food into the trash can and set the objects on fire. The dinner and the card were now ashes at the bottom of his trash can. He put his head down on his desk and just sat there. It was a painful memory to remember.
The reason he was like this. The reason he vowed never to love again, was because of the loss of Violet….his late girlfriend. She was the foolish and clumsy wildseed girl who had many talents. She followed him around and seeked his love endlessly. He never received the opportunity to confess that he did in fact…love her. Her death was his fault and he was haunted by it whenever he saw his students do dangerous and foolish things.
He felt rather uncomfortable at the realization that Violet was very much like Ellisana. What if he made a mistake and she perished because of a mistake he might make? What if he failed to protect Ellisana? What if she made a terrible and foolish mistake? He did not like the idea that these two individuals were very similar.
It was very late and Grabiner slipped into bed. He tossed and turned and was not able to get to sleep. Ellisana was very much on his mind now. It was an odd feeling to him. He had not felt this way about someone since Violet. He was afraid to cast such heavy feelings on Ellisana, but at the same time…he did not want Ellisana to waste so much time on him. He was a broken and miserable old man. Who could ever love such a man with such scars from his past?!
For the rest of the week, Grabiner avoided Ellisana. Even in class he would purposively not make eye contact with her and ignored her presence. Whenever she knocked on his door, he pretended he was not there and made sure the door was locked.
Ellisana felt quite confused and disappointed at the same time. At the end of the school week on Friday night, she laid down in her dorm room bed as she scribbled in her diary, "I wonder if it was something I said in my diary or something I did to anger him." She sighed, "I'm too young for this…"
Ellen looked over at the troubled Ellisana, "What is wrong?"
Ellisana sat up on her bed and sighed, "Being married at seventeen is too stressful. I feel like Grabiner is avoiding me. Maybe he hates me now…"
Ellen shrugged, "Um…last time I checked…he hates everyone Ella?"
Ellisana's eyes widened and she flapped her arms around frantically and defensively, "No, No! He does not. He says many things because he is worried about us students. He only wishes for us not to make foolish decisions. He wants us to grow up to be safe and responsible witches and wizards. Honestly, he does not hate anyone!"
Ellen raised her eyebrows in suspicion, "I guess Virginia is right. You do have the hots for Grabiner. You even know what is going on inside his head and you defend him. What an interesting observation Mrs. Grabiner."
Ellisana blushed a bit, "I do…find him very attractive and he is very intelligent. There are good qualities to him." She sighed, "At this rate though…I will see him in detention this Saturday with Donald."
Ellen nodded, "Donald the detention regular and Crabby Grabby! What an awkward combo for you tomorrow!
Ellisana fell over and dived into her pillow, "I have not talked to Grabiner all week since…he read my diary..this is going to be so awkward!" She kicked her feet.
Ellen agreed, "Good Luck Ella, You make me very thankful that I do not have to deal with such…complicated things. I am just more concerned about my performance on the next exam." She giggled a bit.
Ellisana closed her eyes, "Lucky you…turn the lights off so I can sleep please…"
Ellen turned off the lights and Ellisana fell asleep…as she hoped that tomorrow's detention was not so terribly awkward.
Meanwhile Grabiner tossed and turned again in his sleep. When he did fall asleep, he had a terrible nightmare. The manus demon made an appearance again and Ellisana disappeared in front of him. His eyes shot open when he shouted, "NOOOO Ellisana!" He felt very uneasy and let out a sigh, "Why is this happening to me?"
Don't leave from my side..
I ask of you, please, from my side..
I don't think I can forget you even if I die..