A/N: I hope this gives you some laughs as you deal with all of the craziness of Christmas! I send out a big thank you to Sunflower3759 for all her help with this story and The Griswold's of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. This was my contribution to the Countdown to Christmas 2012 – a Lyrical Melody.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Title: Deck the Halls and Not the Neighbors
Edward Cullen had stapled himself to the roof. This would have been a pretty rotten situation on its own, but unfortunately for poor Edward, he had an entire box of twinkly white lights wrapped tightly around his leg. The man was positively sparkling in the cold, December air. His neighbor, Emmett McCarty was ineffectually trying to untangle him, but the truth of the matter was, the only thing Emmett was ever able to help with, was ridding you of a sandwich.
"You know Ed; if we pull hard enough the staple will fly right off. Then we can shimmy off those lights. It's that or Bella can make you a decoration for the roof. You would make a pretty angel, my man," Emmett said with a hearty laugh.
Edward scowled at his large friend, "This isn't a bit funny. Bella has made the Christmas display bigger this year! I almost impaled myself on those stupid, giant, candy canes she made for the lawn last year."
"That was fuckin' awesome, dude!" Emmett pulled a chocolate bar out of the pocket of his parka and started munching.
"Falling off of a roof is never a joke! I am a doctor! Have you ever read the statistics on injuries caused by putting up holiday decorations? The numbers are staggering!"
"I have a flask in this stupid jacket somewhere. There are too many damn pockets in this thing." Emmett started to rummage through his coat. "You, Ed need a drink!"
Edward stared at Emmett in amazement. "How are you still breathing? You are an ER doctor's worst nightmare. Can you try and untwist this strand of lights when a pull this one?"
"You might want to leave the lights on your leg. It can be like a twinkly bungee cord when you get that staple off. Not to mention, I think if I move another inch, I'll fall through your roof."
Jasper Whitlock chuckled at he looked up at them from below. "You two should start a TV sitcom. You boys could be the next Abbott and Costello."
"You could help us here, Whitlock! No one cares or appreciates your random knowledge of dead comedy actors. Get up here and help." Edward glared at the lazy, blond man below. He turned to Emmett and muttered, "Why did my sister marry that idiot?"
"Surfer dude, must be good in the sack," Emmett guessed, as he took a swig of his flask and started sputtering on the taste of whiskey. He was a Bud Light kind of man.
Jasper waved a candy cane in the air. "I am too busy eating this festive sugary concoction. All Ali said I had to do was check how y'all are doin'."
"Dude, that's not fair!" Emmett complained loudly. "That better not be a Bella Swan Cullen homemade candy cane."
"It is, and it is delicious," Jasper drawled, taking a long and distracting lick. Emmett groaned sadly.
Edward suddenly wanted to laugh. Bella never, ever let anyone eat the amazing candy canes before the neighborhood Holiday Block Party. "Does Bella know you have that?"
"No, son I just took one. You think I'm scared of that lil' itty bitty wife of yours?" Jasper took another mocking lick.
Emmett stared at Jasper like he was nuts. "You better be afraid, very afraid! She won't let you have any cookies!"
"She'll let me have her cookies. You two are just scaredy cats if you think that tiny thing..." Jasper began to say as thin fingers grasped his shoulders.
Jasper let out a high pitched squeal, as he turned to see an irate Bella glaring at him. His wife, Alice just shook her head sadly at him.
"No cookies for you!" Bella decreed to Jasper, pulling the candy cane out of his hands and tossing it onto the ground, she then turned to Alice who was holding a large binder. It was filled with all of Bella's master holiday plans. "Alice, binder."
Alice squeaked, "Yes, ma'am!"
Bella quickly turned to the section on outside decorations and lighting. "I brought you five more boxes, Edward. Cross reference the illustration and directions of installation and on part E add three strands. Then take the final two and add them J."
Edward loved his wife with every inch of his heart, but at the start of Christmas season, up until December 26th she went insane. This year was no different. "Darling, is this necessary? You'll be able to see the house from Outer Space!"
"Rumor has it; Tanya is adding fifteen more colored strands and a musical light show. I'll tell you this much, Edward Cullen, our house will be classier and brighter than hers. You hear me?" Bella shook her fist at him.
That was the crux of the Christmas problem, Tanya Denali and her war with his wife.
Before the Denali's had moved to the area, Christmas was a relatively normal affair. Sure, Bella would get a bit carried away, but it was cute in a way. Edward wasn't fond of all the Santa Claus figurines she kept bringing home, but the way her eyes would light up was magical. Then Tanya and her slicked back gigolo of a husband, Demetri, had to move in the old Cope place.
At first, it was an okay, though tentative relationship, but things were deteriorating quickly. The Denalis were extreme in flaunting their wealth, with Gucci bags and Armani suits having to be brought up in every conversation. The way that Tanya just had to rub on Edward at every community function, and the way Demetri would leer at the wives was infuriating, but manageable. It was hard not to get offended at the couple's belief that their little girl Carmen, was far too good for the public school system. Just because of the fact that she could say five words in Italian, or how delicate child she was. Oh, and she was much too amazing to be allowed to play with that dirty little Cullen girl Ella, who liked playing with worms. Edward pulled angrily at the staple on his leg even harder at the thought.
Bella took in all in stride with a tight smile and a positive attitude. It was that poor Denali child's loss at not being able to play with their Ella. Bella just gave the sad looking child extra kindness when she saw her. Tanya's blatant flirting was easily rolled off, because Bella was very secure in her loving relationship with Edward. She just ignored Demetri's wandering eyes and dirty smiles. It was all things that Bella could handle, until that day that Tanya messed with Bella's favorite holiday.
It had been four years ago when Bella and her best friend Angela took over running the neighborhood holiday party. It was a fun event that brought families together with food and high spirits. Tanya took one look at the homemade decorations and deemed them tacky, and vowed to take over the event. It had been a battle of one upping one another ever since.
Edward was shaken out of his thoughts as his wife yelled up at him again, "Did you hear me?"
"Yes, sweetness," Edward said with an eye roll. "However, I have a slight problem...I am stapled to the roof."
"Of course, you are. So in preparation for just that, I put a screwdriver in your light bag so that you will be able to pull out any staples that may end up where they don't belong." Bella simply explained. "Didn't you see it?"
Emmett started laughing, as Edward looked embarrassed.
"You mean this bag, Mrs. Bella?" Jasper asked with a sickly, sweet smile, as he held up a large duffel bag.
"Sweet, Baby Jesus," Bella muttered, looking at the kit and then at her red faced husband.
Edward wanted to kill Jasper. With all his might he pulled his leg hard and the staple flew off along with the lights that had been wrapped around it. This momentum made him tumble and roll off the roof. He grabbed onto the gutter and was suddenly left dangling two stories up.
Emmett looked at him in shock, then moved to help. "Hold on there."
That's when Emmett's foot slipped and he slid down and ended up hanging next to Edward. Emmett's sweat pants slipped and he was mooning all of Apple Street.
Jasper started laughing hysterically. "Well I'll be! That's quite a sight! I guess there's a full moon out early today. Ali, darlin' where's my phone? I need a picture of this."
"Shut up, Jasper," Bella huffed. She looked at Alice. "I swear I should just do everything myself."
"Without a doubt," Alice agreed. She was always the perfect second in command.
"I'm coming to save you boys!" Bella yelled up. "Rosalie, open up the garage!"
Rosalie McCarthy popped her flour covered face out of the front door. Her blue eyes were questioning. "I thought you wanted me to finish these cinnamon puffs?"
"Look up." Alice pointed above to the two sets of legs dangling over Rosalie's head.
"Damn! Right, we need the bigger ladder!" Rosalie ran inside.
Bella started towards the house, as she heard a loud and grating voice behind her, "I just love those new decorations, Isabella."
Bella didn't even turn around to look at Tanya and her mocking face. With her hands tightly clenched. "I am sure you need to get back to making your haunted Christmas house. Don't let me stop you from working on scaring the neighborhood children, you witch."
As she stomped towards the house, Bella's mind sang, "Fa la la la, I want to bludgeon you with a plastic reindeer."
It was Christmas Eve and Bella had all the important Christmas tasks for the family accomplished. Presents had been bought and wrapped. The children had been out caroling through the neighborhood and were giddy with hot chocolate they consumed afterwards. Pictures were taking at the firehouse with Santa. Ella talking Santa's ear off with her list of a hundred toys that she didn't need, as Harry screamed his head off in fear. Good times with the Cullen family.
Bella only had to get through the Christmas Eve tradition of the neighborhood holiday party. It was only a couple more hours and they would travel to Esme and Carlisle's house for a delicious dinner and to church for Christmas music. She just had to try not to kill Tanya Denali first.
Set up had started out so promising. The town had a meeting hall inside had been turned into a winter wonderland of white lights and poinsettias. Tables had been covered with donated goodies from the neighbors. The committee had been particularly excited at the addition of Eric Yorkie's delectable cranberry squares. His boyfriend, Michael Newton had promised them, and boy did he deliver. Alice clutched her binder tightly, as she noticed Tanya picking up the plate to remove it.
She ran over almost sliding through tinsel as her voice rang out, "Tanya Denali, what in heaven's name do you think you are doing?"
"These positively won't do! I have my caterer bringing some canapés and other assorted goodies." Tanya gave her fake smile.
"Oh my! Oh my!" Alice chanted, her little hands twisting and turning.
Bella rushed over, followed closely by Rosalie whose arms were filled with the gifts that were being delivered to the women's shelter. They had been waiting for Tanya to bulldoze her way into taking over the festivities, and now it was happening.
"What in the hell do you think you are doing?" Bella asked grabbing the plate away from Tanya.
"I am trying to make this a first rate event!" Tanya grabbed the plate back from her.
Bella pulled it back from her. "Give it up, harlot!"
"Give it, mouse!" Tanya pulled it towards her again with disastrous results.
The cranberry squares flew up in the air. Rosalie, who was obsessed with food as her husband, dropped the presents onto the ground with an unhappy yelp. She desperately tried to catch them. Hands full of crushed squares, she cried, "What is wrong with you? These are precious pieces of cranberry goodness, bitch. Bella, I am going to kill her."
"Rosie, I need you not to go to jail today." Bella held her back and rubbed her shoulder in comfort. "Mike is over there hanging up balls on the Christmas tree. I am willing to bet he has some more of Eric's goodies hidden in the trunk of his car. Get him to bring them in here."
Alice started to giggle at so many unintended jokes, as Rosalie stomped over to Mike.
"Pull it together, Ali!" Bella demanded. She then pointed her finger into Tanya's chest. "You can stay and help, or you can leave."
"I'll leave, but I am coming back to laugh at your quaint little party." Tanya pushed back on Bella.
"I hope she doesn't come back," Alice said worriedly.
"I wouldn't count on it, Ali."
Three hours later, Bella and the pastor's wife, Angela Cheney watched Tanya nervously. The woman was clad in a skin tight,red dress and waving mistletoe over strangers' heads.
"Is she drunk? Angela asked with a glare.
"I'm pretty sure, drag queen is." Bella took a large swig of her spiked eggnog.
"Is there alcohol in that?"
"Absolutely, it's Rosie's special blend," Bella admitted with a wink.
Angela pulled Bella's mug out of her hand and gulped it down. "I think we are going to need a refill, Sister Bella!"
Bella was feeling pleasantly warm from her eggnog goodness an hour later. She was somewhat concerned about the way Angela was swaying, but as long as Angela could get through the Christmas service it would be fine.
The children were hopped up on Christmas cookies when Bella found them with Nana Esme and Grandpa Carlisle. Carlisle was busily chomping down Bella's sugar cookies.
"Bella, darling child, please tell me you have more of these for tomorrow?" He pleaded.
"I have a whole platter ready for you. I had to hide them from Emmett," she explained. "You better save room for Esme's Christmas Eve Goose."
Emmett's ears perked up and he ran over. "Cookies?"
"Tomorrow, you may have my cookies, Em. Stop snickering at that, you big baby. Are you two still coming over for Christmas dinner?" Bella inquired sucking down more nog.
"With the spread you and Esme put out? Damn skippy, kid." He looked up to the sky. "Sorry there, baby Jesus. Seriously though, Rosie's mom burns everything! It's like eating charcoal over there. A man can't eat rolls alone. I'm a growing boy!"
Esme patted his hand. "There's always a place for you, honey. Do you think Alice will buy that Emmett is eating Jasper's meal. Maybe, he can stay home."
"Or go back to Texas," Carlisle added, as he watched his son-in-law leaning against a wall sucking on a candy cane. That man was as lazy as a slug.
"Christmas is about giving people chances. Including Jasper," Esme said with a sigh. "Except maybe for...what is she doing?"
Tanya Denali had Edward cornered with a sprig of mistletoe over his head.
"She's dead," Bella growled, but before she could even move, little Ellie ran to her father.
"You get away from my daddy!" Ella yelled, and tossed a cup of cranberry juice on Tanya's fishnet stockings.
"How dare you, you little brat!" Tanya yelled and swatted at the little girl. Both Bella and Demetri ran over. Demetri immediately started to sponge off his wife.
Before Edward could angrily admonish Tanya, Bella stuck her finger in the woman's face. "How dare you try to hit my child? Don't you ever speak to my Ella like that again! Ella, we don't throw drinks at people's faces. It's rude and not okay. Only Mommy is allowed to do that to people who try to accost Daddy."
"This is why our angel Carmen isn't allowed to play with your devil child," Demetri said, as he stared at Bella's breasts. This was the same Carmen who was now licking the icing off all the iced shortbread that Mrs. Cope brought and placed them back on the plate. "You should send that girl to reform school."
"Are you kidding me?" Edward roared. "Your wife attacked me, and my baby was protecting her daddy! You people are evil!"
"I should call the police on your family!" Tanya shoved Bella making her fall into Ella who started to cry.
Red faced in anger, Bella screamed, "My father is chief of police, lady! He normally gives horrendous Christmas gifts, but I think this year he will redeem himself by throwing you in the slammer for assault!"
Tanya was mid swing at Bella's face, when dear Angela barreled into her, and both women landed into a punch bowl filled with Charlotte Scott's famous peppermint ice cream punch. Her husband Peter, who loved it almost more than his wife, let out a scream.
"You kissed my husband, you Jezebel!" Angela raged. "He's a man of God!"
"He liked it, you frigid cow!" Tanya returned, as she hit Angela in the nose.
Reverend Ben Cheney was silently praying in the corner that his wife would knock the Christ into that wanton woman.
Chief Charles Swan meandered onto the scene and looked at his only daughter. "Hey kiddo, who started it?"
"The big haired one." Bella pointed to Tanya.
Charlie put handcuffs on the woman and began to read her rights.
"That little girl started it!" Tanya pointed her head towards to Ella who had started to share a gingerbread man with Harry.
"You're messin' with the wrong kid, lady. That's one of my grand babies." Charlie narrowed his eyes at her. He turned to Bella with a smile. "What time tomorrow, kid?"
"Nine if you want to see what Ella and Harry got from Santa. You want to come to Esme and Carlisle's tonight?"
"Thanks, Bells, but your dad has got a date with Sue tonight. See you tomorrow." He gave his daughter a sly smile and a wink. Bella wished Santa would bring her some brain bleach.
Charlie handcuffed Tanya and led her out of the building. Demetri grimaced, as he followed holding a struggling Carmen whose face was smeared with icing. At first glance it might be thought that his grim facial expression was due to his wife's arrest, but more likely it was the sticky, white, red and green icing that Carmen was wiping onto his Designer suede jacket, using it as her napkin.
Edward hooked his hand with Bella's and they linked their fingers together. "This will live on in Christmas Holiday Party infamy. Do you think maybe they'll finally move?"
"That truly will be a Christmas miracle," She said, and gave her husband a quick kiss.
Jasper stood in a corner with his phone trained on the ruckus before him.
Alice flitted over to him with a distressed look. "Jas, can you help me..."
"My little tumbleweed, let your cowpoke get some final shots."
"What are you doing, Jasper?" Alice started to glare at him.
He looked up from his phone and admitted in all seriousness. "I'm going to win us big money in America's Funniest Home Videos!"
Alice's face turned from white, to pink, to red and finally a livid purple as she dumped a plate of sticky chocolate cranberry bars over Jasper's head. She turned on her heel and stomped away.
Jasper cried after her, "Tumbleweed!"
Emmett put his video camera that was filming the couple down with a satisfied look. "YouTube gold, baby!"
An exhausted Bella sat with her legs twisted around Edward as they gazed at the Christmas tree with its lights twinkling. The glow of the fire warmed them as they sipped on hot cider and chomped on the cookies left for Santa, and the carrot left for his reindeer. Bella had already polished off the beer that Ella had insisted they leave for Santa. She thought he needed it for the long night. She had heard Mommy mutter enough times that she needed a beer, so it was a logical leap that diving down chimneys all night would elicit the same response.
Edward was still pouting that they didn't leave Santa some Scotch.
"Remember what we did in this room last week?" Edward wiggled his eyebrows at the smirking Bella.
"I do." Bella licked his nose and laughed at the silly look Edward got on his face. "We have way too much to do, Romeo. There are stockings to be stuffed and presents to be placed."
"I know whose stocking I want to stuff."
Bella shook her head and punched him on the shoulder, as he pulled her onto his lap. "There's a time and a place, lover boy."
"There's plenty of time for Santa to do his business." Edward put on a Santa hat that was sitting next to him. He slowly lifted Bella's red sweater up, revealing a black lacy bra. He groaned in appreciation. "Santa wants his present, sweetheart."
He pulled down the bra and took one of her nipples into his mouth and used his tongue to circle it and started sucking gently. He lifted her skirt and pulled her panties off quickly and began teasing her with his fingers. Bella began to grind her body on him furiously. He was her personal stress release.
Bella slowly unzipped Edward's pants and pulled out his already hard cock. She started to rub it forcefully. He muttered in her ear, "I have been hard like this since you tried to beat down Tanya. Can you imagine the visions I had of taking you on my mother's dining room table next to the turkey?"
"That's disturbing. Most people would say they had visions of sugar plums," Bella stated pulling back.
"I have your sugar plums right in front of me, baby." He popped her nipple back into his mouth. Bella gave a little smile and a groan then proceeded to unzip Edward's pants.
She lowered her body onto his dick and Edward let out a contented sigh, as he entered her. Kissing Bella's neck, he started thrusting with happiness at being given the most perfect Christmas gift.
She quickly captured his mouth as he looked at her. Their lips mashing together passionately, that they almost didn't hear the muffled little scream behind them. Luckily, the back of the couch faced the doorway to the room, but it didn't protect little eyes from the Santa hat.
"Mommy's kissing Santa Claus!" Ella yelled. She ran out of the room. "Daddy!"
"Thanks a lot, Edward!" Bella said with a glare. She propelled herself off of him, pulling her sweater and skirt down. "Get the stockings filled while I get that kid back asleep."
Edward got up and headed out towards the basement where the gaily wrapped presents had been hidden, as he heard Bella explain, "Daddy was just being silly! No, he doesn't think he's Santa...you need to go to slee...do you want Santa to come, little girl? Santa knows when you are sleeping!"
Edward chuckled as he spied a sprig of mistletoe that was hanging and taunting him. He plucked it down and quickly stuck it down his pants and said to himself, "No one can resist kissing under the mistletoe."
A couple of hours later when all was ready for Christmas morning, Bella Cullen discovered her surprise. That early Christmas morn a miracle truly occurred...in Edwards's pants.