Dean sat at yet another table in yet another cheap motel room. He was using Sam's laptop, trying to find even a scrap of information that could help with this messed up case. His eyes skimmed across a paragraph that seemed promising, but there was nothing of use. He was on the verge of giving up when Castiel's deep voice interrupted his thoughts.
"Your father… beautiful handwriting." Dean looked over to where the angel was sitting on one of the beds.
"How you feeling, Cas?" Dean said, figuring that now was as good a time as any to make sure he was ok.
"I'm fine," was his response. Dean knew that that wasn't true, but he also knew that he couldn't push too hard.
"Well, I just- I- I know that when… I got puked out of Purgatory; it took me a few weeks to… find my sea legs."
"I'm fine," Cas repeated, looking the slightest bit irritated.
"Don't get me wrong. I'm- I'm happy you're back. I'm- I'm freaking thrilled. It's just this whole mysterious-resurrection thing… it always has one mother of a downside." That downside didn't stop him being thrilled though. When Cas had emerged from the shower, clean, shaved and with his tie back to front, well, that thrill had made itself known. And although the downside didn't stop the thrill, the thrill didn't stop the downside. There was always, always a price. He knew that better than anyone. Cas closed the journal and looked up at Dean,
"So, what do you want me to do?" asked Cas.
"Maybe take a trip upstairs." Dean hated himself for saying it, but it needed to be said.
"To Heaven?" he sounded almost incredulous.
"Yeah, poke around, see if the God squad can't tell us how you got out,"
"No," was all Cas had to say.
"Look, man, I- I hate those flying ass-monkeys as much as you do, but-"
"Dean! I said no!" Cas interrupted, almost shouting. Dean decided that whatever Cas was going through was more important than his hatred of chick-flick moments. He closed Sam's laptop and crossed the room to sit on the other bed, opposite Cas.
"Talk to me." Cas set the journal down on the bed and turned to face Dean.
"Dean, I… When I was… bad… and I had all those things- the… the leviathans… writhing inside me… I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I devastated Heaven. I vaporised thousands of my own kind and I- I just- I can't go back,"
"Cause if you do, the angels will kill you,"
"Because if I see what Heaven's become- what I-" he sighed, "what I made of it… I'm afraid I might kill myself." Green eyes looked into blue, sadness and pain in both. Dean didn't know what to say. Cas had caught him completely off guard.
"Cas, I- I didn't-"
"It's alright Dean."
"No, it isn't." Dean moved to sit on the other bed, next to Cas.
"Dean, really, it's alright,"
"Dammit Cas!" Dean wondered for a second how many times he'd yelled that over the years, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to worry you," he replied,
"Cas… this kind of stuff… you need to tell me about it,"
"What purpose would that serve? It would only upset you," said Cas. That threw him a little. He wasn't sure how to explain that there were some things you just didn't keep to yourself.
"It's- it's just what friends do." Dean knew that was a cowardly way out, but he couldn't think of a better way to explain it.
"So I should tell Sam as well?"
"No. Sam… Sam's upset enough," said Dean,
"But Sam is my friend as well." Dean could see by the look on his face that Cas was bewildered. It was no wonder, seeing as he was completely contradicting himself. The only way he could explain this properly would be to… No. He wasn't going to tell him that. He sighed,
"Look, Cas… I need to know. Sam doesn't,"
"Why not? You and Sam are both my friends. Why is it different?" Dean rubbed his face in annoyance. Couldn't see the difference?
"It… it just is, ok,"
"Dean, I'm trying to understand, but you aren't making sense. Why doesn't Sam need to know?"
"Because … I feel so guilty about the whole Purgatory mess. I wasn't there for you to tell. And I need you to know that I'm here and you can tell me." Chick. Flick. Moment. But it was true. When he had found out just how bad Cas's situation was, he had blamed himself entirely for not being there and leaving Cas to turn to Crowley. It had been a constant weight tugging at his shoulders. He desperately needed Cas to understand that he was there for him.
"Dean?" Cas said tentatively. Dean looked up. Cas leaned over and pressed his lips to his. It was a soft, brief kiss. The first thing he noticed was how warm the angel's lips were. The second thing he noticed was just how wonderful that warmth felt. Dean stared at him, eyes wide. Cas looked away, apparently mistaking his surprise for shock and rejection. Dean grabbed Cas's tie and pulled. Dean desperately crushed his lips against Cas's, trying to make up for lost time. One hand stayed on Cas's tie, while the other was woven into his hair. He had always thought that Cas's hair looked soft and like it was begging to be tousled. Cas placed one hand on Dean's left shoulder, where the handprint used to be, and wound his other arm around Dean's waist, pulling him closer. He shivered as Cas ran his tongue across his bottom lip. He opened his mouth eagerly and gasped when Cas slid his tongue in. Dean pulled him closer, breathing him in. He smelled of cotton and soap and something that he couldn't quite identify, but still managed to make him feel safe. To be kissing Cas felt so wonderfully, impossibly good. Just for a little while, he could let go of his self-hatred and the burden he carried every day. Eventually, Dean very reluctantly pulled away for air.
"Shit Cas," he said, sounding breathier than usual,
"That was very enjoyable," the angel said simply, stating a fact instead of expressing an opinion. He couldn't agree more. He wasn't even bothered by the fact that he'd just made out with a guy. He ran his hands through his hair and exhaled sharply.
"What now?" asked Dean, sounding unusually hesitant. In response, Cas simply pulled Dean in by his own tie. The kisses were softer and gentler this time, without the sense of urgency. Dean reached up to gently cup the angel's face. He stroked his thumb across Cas's cheekbone, while the other had was once again nestled in his hair. The kiss grew more heated. Dean put both his arms around his angel, gripping him tight. Because Cas was his now; his best friend, his lover, his angel. Dean almost scowled as Cas pulled away,
"I love you too Dean," his angel said simply.
Author's Note: Thank you for reading. I would love to know what you thought, so please leave a review!