Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot to this story and my OCs. The rest all belongs to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk, the various songwriters, and to the writers of any joke that may not be mine. The PSA belongs to RoosterTeeth.
The camera turned on in the McKinley High auditorium, much as it had done since 2010, though, this time, there was a brand new face joining Sam Evans in front of the camera.
"Hey, everyone!" Ryder Lynn said to the Internet audience. "You know it's this time o' year when our thoughts turn to our family and our friends."
Sam Evans took his cue. "That's why we here in New Directions wanna wish every one of you a very merry Chris-"
"Hold it right there, guys," a voice called out from behind the camera.
The voice was attached to Blaine Anderson, who had an overly-critical look on his face.
"Blaine, stop interrupting our holiday message," Ryder cried.
"Uh yeah," Blaine began. "Listen, guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year."
"Don't you celebrate Christmas?" Sam asked, hoping he hadn't missed something.
"Not the point," Blaine declared.
"Besides, how can they be offensive?" Sam waved off Blaine's earlier comments. "Holidays are awesome. You get tons of Christmas presents, and you eat a bunch of candy canes."
Blaine would not be denied. "But, just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas!" he continued to list others who would be excluded from the season, "Or to Dentists." And even worse, "Or to people who use canes!"
"Huh," Sam pursed his trout lips, "I never looked at it that way."
"Oh, come on," Ryder snapped. "I suppose you want us to chicken out and just say Happy Holidays?"
"Yeah, I don't know," Blaine said. "Holidays implies holy. Some people, like Kurt, aren't religious at all." Then it hit him, "Also the word "happy" might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression."
"What?" Ryder exclaimed, rubbing his head.
"He's right, you know," his fellow dyslexic claimed. "Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans."
"Don't say Americans," Blaine muttered.
"Oops! Right, you're right, sorry," Sam stated.
Sam turned his head, turning back to the camera when he caught Ryder's glare.
"What, it's a global platform," Blaine argued.
Ryder shook his head, a smile crossing his lips when Trevor Rayburn entered the room. Finally, a voice of reason!
"What're you knuckle-heads yackin' about?" the Jack Harmon replacement shouted. "I thought I ordered you to have yuletide cheer!" he looked around the room. "I don't see any yules, now get to yulein'!"
Ryder spoke up. "The Grinch," he directed to Blaine over there," he turned to Trevor, "is tellin' us we can't do the holiday message."
"What in the hell?" Trevor growled. "What Commie told ya that?" he turned to the camera. "I'll kick him in his Kringle! I'll punch him in his holly bush! I'm gonna rip off his partridge and kick him in the pear trees!"
"Blaine and Sam are worried about offending people that don't celebrate Christmas."
"Eeeeee…" Blaine interceded.
"Euhhhh, I mean the holidays," Ryder rolled his eyes.
"Hhhh still kinda…" Blaine rolled his hand, trying to find the right words.
"Huhhhh," Ryder groaned, "that don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?"
Blaine shrugged. "The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-"
"Oh, come on," Ryder cried. "The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years."
"You know, I actually agree with Ryder," Trevor added, taking a stand next to the younger man. "This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want."
"Okay, let's all just calm down," Blaine stepped next to Sam, who was now standing opposite of Trevor and Ryder, "before somebody gets too festive." Sam arched his eyebrow at Blaine "Hchm, pardon me," he said, "I meant seasonally excited."
"That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me," Trevor countered. "I'm not scared of offending people! Just watch me go. Hi, this is Trevor from New Directions. And I wanna wish everybody a very merry-"
He was soon silenced by an Xbox ID screen, reading JackJacker17.
"Hey, get that thing outta here," Trevor commanded.
The ID screen disappeared and the room suddenly turned black and white.
"And give us back our color!"
The color returned.
"That's better," Trevor said confidently, turning back to the camera. "Now as I was saying…"
"Uh, Trevor," Ryder was starting to see the dangers of Trevor's intent. "I'd be careful if I were you…"
"They can't stop the signal," Trevor proclaimed. "Now, on behalf of everyone here at New Directions, we wanna wish you all out there a very merry-"
Before he could finish his sentence, Trevor vanished. The ACLU had struck again.
"Whoa, what happened, where'd Trevor go?" Ryder's eyes were wide in terror.
"I guess they stopped the signal," Blaine said, a smile crossing his face.
Sam finally spoke up. "Okay, well, if we can't say happy holidays then what can we say?" he began to think of what to say. "Hmmm…"
"Just think of something as inoffensive as possible," Blaine insisted.
"What if we just say hi?" Sam suggested. "Hello."
"In what language?" Blaine asked.
Ryder sighed, turning away from the camera and walking away.
Sam smiled. "How about, if we just send a universal mathematical message with no implied emotion."
Once again, Blaine played the buzz kill. "Would you send it in hexadecimal?"
Sam rubbed his forehead. "Yes."
"Okay," Blaine said happily."
Blaine reached off camera, pulling out the sign with the numbers:
4D 65 72 72 79 58 6D 61 73 21
Trevor reappeared outside of the school, still giving his holiday message. "And Happy Chanukah, you guys."
He looked around, noticing that there was no one to speak too. Trevor shrugged, popped his collar and walked back into the school.
A/N: I want to wish everyone who celebrates it a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and everything else in between. Though to be honest, it is Christmas day, so that one has the most meaning.