A/N: I guess this is kind of a letter/internal monologue from Merlin to Morgana. Definite spoilers for 5x13, so if you haven't seen it, you probably shouldn't read. I don't own Merlin.
I used to comfort you.
I told you that everything was going to be fine—and how wrong I was. No, you were right, your dreams were right every time.
I used to think I was in love with you.
I was in love with you. Mordred bonded us. You were the mother, I was the father, Gwen was the aunt and Arthur was the uncle.
We were a family.
Where did that go, Morgana? When exactly did I lose you?
No, it was my own fault—I shouldn't blame any of this on you. I'm the reason that Arthur lies dead.
I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have lied to you, I shouldn't have let that poison touch your lips.
I know that.
And I'm sorry. I will always blame myself for what you became.
But I did what I had to. For Arthur. For Camelot. And I am truly sorry. I know you trusted me. Breaking that trust broke me inside, believe you me.
I never wanted any of this.
Though maybe, maybe you overreacted. I thought you understood that if you had died then, you would have died to save the people you loved.
But you were blinded by rage.
I suppose I should thank you for not telling Uther or Arthur about what happened.
You know what was funny about when we found you? I still thought you were beautiful. Looking deranged, dirt coating you, I thought you were beautiful.
I thought you had forgiven me.
Obviously you hadn't, but I still got a rush every time your hand closed around my wrist, dragging me into an alcove. All those conversations, filled with threats…I almost lived for them. It was excitement, Morgana, it was having an enemy.
And animosity is a form of passion. Not so far off from love.
I wasn't shocked when you made your play. Not at all. Nor was I shocked when we defeated you. You were always too sure of yourself.
That was the Pendragon in you.
I lost hope of us then. My body almost ached from all the missed opportunities at true love.
I knew we were meant to be together, one way or another. Being enemies took that bond we formed over Mordred and strengthened it. Heightened it to an obsession. You wanted to kill me and I wanted to protect Arthur.
So I guess we both failed, in the end.
It wasn't hard for me to kill you.
There was nothing left of the old Morgana in you. Only madness burning behind your eyes. And you were so arrogant in your certainty that I couldn't kill you.
I would have laughed.
But something in me broke. I guess, even though it wasn't hard, it still hurt.
I still love you, Morgana.
I know you're gone, but I still love you. I'm waiting for you too. Arthur cannot return without someone to fight.
I know that someone is you.
But maybe this time, we can change.
Maybe this time you'll want to be mine.
But I'm growing very old. So on second thought, maybe not.
I will still wait an eternity for you, my dear Morgana.
My mad beauty, I will always wait.
A/N: Thanks for reading! All comments are appreciated.