Bearit's Notes: Kya! I didn't realize that with the Word processor I was using at my grandmother's house wasn't readable to a lot of American computers until I returned to the States. Gomen nasai! So... I came back and fixed the format, like I will really soon with "Echoes of Destiny". Gomen ne!
Also, this fic has a fair amount of shounen-ai and polygamy in it. If either of them offends you, please do not read.
I know that he is in love with me.
How could I not? The way he stares at me as if I were the only good soul in the universe, the gentleness in his arms whenever he catches me and holds me, and his discomfort in his composure and hurt in his eyes whenever I speak fondly of Lantis all tell me enough.
It tells me plenty, and it hurts.
It hurts because he is my best friend, and he will only stay my best friend.
It hurts because he wants more, and I want to give him more, but I cannot.
It hurts because he's... Geo. The best man anyone could ever ask for as a friend and lifelong companion.
I do not deserve him or his friendship or his affections. Unlike him, I am far from the perfect friend. I take things without permission; I demand my friends to take actions they are obviously uncomfortable with; I betray my friends' trusts; and the biggest crime of all, I keep terrible secrets from them that I should be able to trust them with.
He deserves better.
Why hasn't he given up on me?
I wish I knew how it happened. If I knew how he fell for me, when he fell for me, and why he fell for me... maybe I would not feel as horrible. I would understand and better provide.
That is why I can never reciprocate his feelings, even if I wanted to.
Why is he so loyal to me? If I knew that, I would not feel so horrible. If I knew more of an answer then, "Because he is your closest and dearest friend," I would understand and better provide.
What does he see in me?
Why can't I love him back?
Why can't I give up on Lantis and Hikaru and devote myself to Geo like he has always done for me?
Why do I not feel this guilty with the love Lantis and Hikaru give me?
Already, I know the answer. I love them both back, and I always will. I know, deep within my heart, that their love for me will never end, no matter how long my coma lasts. I am happy with them, and if I were to ever give them up, I would only be miserable and not carrying out Hikaru's wish to live for my loved ones and myself.
If I were to give them up and fall into Geo's arms, we would both be miserable...
... no, all four of us will suffer.
But sometimes I cannot help but to yearn for just one single kiss from Geo. It hurts, but I do. When he gets close to me, and his eyes burn with desire, I find myself lost and unable to think a single coherent thought. My throat lumps, and my heart beats ten times faster. But he never goes through with the action; he respects the love I have for Lantis far too much. And now, if he ever tried to, he respects the love Lantis, Hikaru, and I share more than he should.
Geo deserves better than me.
Why does he love me?
How many tears has he shed over me? How many times has his heart ache when he sees me with Lantis? How many more when I'm with Hikaru? How many times has he resisted the urge to tell me his feelings?
How many times have I mistaken his warmth for Lantis's, when he is far warmer?
Why hasn't he moved on?
I do not deserve his affections, and he does not deserve the pain I give him.
Why is life so cruel to those who do not deserve it?
All he has ever done for me was give, and he only gave things that anybody and everybody would want from their best friend. Loyalty. Support. Warmth. Besides his pain and heartache, what have I ever given him in return?
Why is life so unfair to those who deserve liberty?
I wish I could give him the love he wants, the love that he deserves, for I will at least be closer in repaying my debt.
But it would only hurt him, for he knows that I love two others more than I love him.
Why is life this way?
Why must he suffer so? Why must he keep his loyalty and friendship so strongly still? Could he still have hope?
But what would happen if he realized that there was no hope? What would happen if I took away all hope from him... and nobody but me had taken away all that hope?
I am frightened to find out, and that is why I have never told him that I know.
I know that he loves me more than a friend should.
But what have I ever done to deserve his heart, when he deserves far better?
What have I ever done to deserve his affections, when I cannot give him any in return?
What have I ever done to make him suffer so?
"Eagle," his warm, deep voice greets me; I can almost see his pained and weak grin, "how are you doing?"
Much better, I answer with as much cheer as I can muster. It cannot be that much longer before I wake up.
"Glad to hear it," he replies. He places his hand on mine and gives it a gentle squeeze, and the warmth makes my chest ache. If I were not in this coma, I am certain that I would be reduced to tears of remorse.
Thank you, I say. Thank you for caring about me... even when I do not deserve it.
"Don't say that," he says sternly, but quietly, "you are my best friend, after all."
Once again, my heart grows sad.
I do not deserve his friendship, much less his love.
Why does he love me?
He deserves far better.
** End **