Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my ideas!
Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm writing this letter to you to ask you, What the hell were you thinking? I should have stayed in Juvie! This place is horrible! Yet, you signed me up for every single season WITHOUT my consent! Who would have thought I would be on this show 4 times with a guest appearance in season 4! Do you guys really hate me that much?! I was hanging out at the stupid playa des loser waiting to go home when these really crappy interns informed me that I would be doing season 5! I don't know what's worse! The fact that I haven't seen you guys in almost 2 years because of this show or the fact that some middle aged pervert is practically raising us and doing a really shitty job! Benny the cook in Juvie made better food then Chef hatchet! I swear to god I'm going to kill you both when and if I ever manage to get back! I'm pretty sure eventually Chris, that sadistic bastard plans on making me get one of the girls on this show knocked up so he can continue making more money off of this show! I can just see it now! Total Drama: Teenage parenthood.
So, as you figured out by now, I don't love you guys because you suck! You never call or visit! You sent me one video from home like 2 years ago and then what happened? I bet you rented my room out or something! Seriously, What did I possibly do to deserve this?! Yeah, I wasn't the best kid ever but seriously, 5 seasons living on an island with these people?! Have you even watched the show?! I've been forced to climb pyramids, Sing badly, pushed out of a plane at least 6 times, forced to stay awake for days, Forced to dress up like a caveman and fight people with bones, Locked in a shed all night that smelled like fish, had to hug a Celine Dion cardboard standee along with many other assorted embarrassing and painful tasks!
Let's talk about what life is like off Cameras! Chris hits on Lindsay all the time! I'm pretty sure he hit on Trent too back in season 1 but it's okay, Trent didn't want him! Trent wanted me! He told me he liked my nipple piercings! Needless to say, I took those fuckers out and left them close! That's when I started dating Courtney so he would leave me alone! I swear every single contestant here except myself is bisexual or something! Izzy snuck into my cabin one night and handcuffed me to my bed which would have been totally awesome if she was going to do something kinky! She bit me DOWN THERE and then robbed me of the $20 bucks that I stole from Justin! She also took my bus pass and my lucky rabbits foot! So, now that I'm dating Gwen, Trent approached me the other day and told me that he was into Gwen still but he still liked me and wanted to sleep with me, He then asked me if Gwen and I would like to have a threesome with him! I politely declined and punched him in the face. I hope Gwen doesn't ask me why I punched him, Because I never told her about Trent wanting me because that's really awkward and gross! Geoff is my best friend around here, You wouldn't know him because I've never been home since I met him! But that's okay because his parents don't call him or invite him home either! We have that in common! As much as that guy is awesome I hate the fact that his room is right next door to mine! He yells SO loud and says 'Dude' way to much! Not to mention he has sex with Bridgette way too much, I'm down for sex any day of the week just not as much as Geoff and Bridgette are apparently! Some nights it's hard to sleep because they can go at it for hours!
I also did not quit smoking, They banned smoking on this show and in the stupid playa des losers! So I have to walk all the way to the dock of shame and smoke under a tree! That's totally not fair because Chris smokes all the time and he can do it because 'He's the host' I really want to punch that guy in the face but I can't because he's like my father and you wouldn't punch your father in the face...UNLESS HE SENT YOU TO AN ISLAND FOR YEARS AND NEVER BOTHERED TO CALL YOU TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Not so much love,
P.S. Don't forget to water my plants and send some cigarettes!
So, That's the first chapter! Every contestant is going to write a letter to their parents and tell them about what has been going on in their lives since the show started. Normally, I would take requests and ask who you want to see next but then I don't get actual reviews, I just get spammed with character names if I even ask! So, I'm just going to do every single character in whatever order I feel like. But just be assured that I WILL be doing every single contestant on the show including the cast of season 4. Review!