Now, I bet everybody was wondering what happened to me for a while, well it's simple.

Playstation 4.

Also, I'm almost done with my college years and in one semester, I will basically be finished. Anyway, I thought of making this chapter super long, but I decided to cut it in half to give readers something to laugh at. I am happy to let everyone know that I have been brainstorm brand new ideas to bring a herd of quality, Fairy Tail, crack stories to the archive. I feel like we could definitely use some more comedy here. I have a few ideas at the bottom to combine with the ones from the last chapter. Also, thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and followed this story, it means a lot. Anyway, remember, review and feel free to check out my other FT stories. Anyway, also in PS4 players reading looking to add a friend to your friends list, send me a pm. Anyway, enjoy the story.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story.

Natsu whimpered as he hid behind one of the boxes in Fairy Tail's basement. He had no idea how things went wrong, but they went so wrong.

So horribly wrong.

Now, his male guild members were being massacred, Mirajane was hunting him down and Erza…

Natsu train of thought was interrupted as the door to the basement slowly opened.

"Oh, Natsu! Your destined one is here to see you!"

Speak of the devil, and the devil will appear.

As Erza slowly made her way down the stairs, Natsu recalled the events that led him to this moment.

"THERE YOU ARE!" screamed Erza as she destroyed the box that Natsu was hiding behind. "Now, you're going TO LOVE ME!"

As Natsu quickly scrambled away from Erza, he couldn't help but feel that Laxus was somehow responsible for this.

But before we go too far, let us go through the events that led to this particular situation.

A few days back:

Wendy hummed happily as she sipped her chocolate milk with a crazy straw given to her from Mirajane, before the barmaid left to go grocery shopping. A perfect image of childhood innocent, peace, and tranquility, Wendy was a prime example of the good that was the Fairy Tail Guild.

As Wendy sipped her milk, swinging her legs back and forth, she didn't notice someone creeping up behind her until…


Wendy shrieked, barely ducking in time to avoid having her head cut off by a large broadsword. Wendy quickly threw herself to the side to avoid the follow strike that cut clean through the bar.

Wendy quickly readied herself to defend against her attacker, until she realized who it was.

"LAXUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" screamed Wendy.

Laxus lifted his sword and placed it on his shoulder, "It should be obvious. I am reaching the limit of my abilities and I need to continue to push myself to become stronger. Since I have recently learned that I am immortal, I am going to cut your head off to absorb your quickening and become the highlander!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Of course it does! Think about it, us dragon slayers each have our own respective elements, but when we absorb the element of another dragon slayer, we become twice as strong! Natsu has flame and lightning, Gajeel has iron and shadows, Future Rouge has light and shadows, and after I cut off your head, I will have lightning and wind! We are freaking immortals!"

"Uh, Laxus." spoke up Macao, "Highlander wasn't real!"

"Blasphemy!" screamed Laxus, "Highlander was based off of real historical events! Now, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" roared Laxus as he charged Wendy.

Said girl screamed as she took off, diving under chairs and behind guild members to avoid Laxus. Unfortunately, the few people that could stop Laxus, Team Natsu, Gajeel, and Mirajane, currently were busy, leaving the other minor characters to save the day.

Jet winced as Laxus cut a huge gash into the wall, missing Wendy by a few inches. "You guys, we have to stop this!"

"I'm not sure, Jet." said Droy, "We aren't really top level guild fighters. Laxus would tear through us like wet toilet paper."

"Well, let's change that! Whenever a bad guy shows up, Natsu goes and fight and we disappear for days on end. Well, I say we can save the day, who's with me?"

The other guild members quickly busied themselves with checking their fingernail and hair.

In all honesty, Jet wanted them to fight motherfucking Laxus, Fairy Tail members may be dangerous and reckless, but they weren't suicidal.

"Fine! I'll do it myself!" said Jet, before he activated his High Speed magic charging Laxus from behind. Once he was close enough, Jet leapt into the air, "FALCON HEAVENWORD" roared Jet as he lashed out, landing a high speed kick to the back of Laxus head.

"I did it!" thought Jet, "I finally stood up and now I can be the hero and have hot girls fall in love with me!"

As images of beautiful women falling in love with him filled his head, he didn't notice the stunned silence that filled the guild.

"Did you, a useless minor character with no real impact on the daily life of the guild, just hit me?" asked a deathly calm Laxus, as he stabbed his sword into the ground and crossed his arms over his chest, towering over Jet.

Jet weakly nodded.

"I thought so."

Ten seconds later:

Jet groaned in pure agony, sure that every bone is his body was broken.

Laxus nodded at his handiwork, "Does any other minor filler characters want to take a swing?"

Everyone quickly shook their heads.

"Good! Now, where was I?" said Laxus as he picked up his broadsword and turned to Wendy, who cowered in fear in a corner, "Oh yeah! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" roared Laxus as he lifted his sword about his head.

"What the hell is going on here?"

"Mirajane!" cried Wendy as she darted around Laxus and hid behind the silver haired women. "Laxus is trying to cut my head off!"

Mirajane frowned, "Laxus… how many times do we have to tell you, Highlander is not real!"

"Go to hell, woman! Highlander was based on real historical events!"

"Hmm." Mirajane brought a finger to her lip to think about something, before ushering Wendy towards an undamaged part of the bar, calmly making her a chocolate milk and preparing a pot of hot coffee. "Laxus, I am only going to explain this once, Highlander, was a movie, which paid actor to portray characters in a fictional setting. Nothing from that movie was real."

Laxus scoffed, "Of course, someone who is not immortal would say that! But I am an immortal, I will be the one! Bickslow!" Bickslow who was chatting in the background with his fellow team members during Laxus rampage, perked up at his name being called, "The time is now!"

Nodding, the Thunder God Tribe quickly reached under their table to pull out musical instruments.

Mirajane groaned, already knowing what was about to happen, "Laxus, I am warning you!"

"Quiet women!" yelled Laxus as he hopped onto a table that survived his rampage and his team began to play,

"Here I am, I'm the prince of the universe. Here I belong, fighting for surv-gaack!"

Laxus song was interrupted by a scalding hot pot of coffee smashing into his face, glass and all, knocking him off the table, and sending him to the ground screaming in agony.

"AHHH! Hot coffee and glass! My only weakness!"

Mirajane smiled evilly as she carried another pot of hot coffee, taking great pleasure in pouring it over Laxus manly bits.

"Dear kami, not Lil Jojo, King Andy, and Sir Thick the third!" screamed Laxus, only to be silenced by a well-placed kick to the side, courtesy of Fairy Tail barmaid and demoness.

Mirajane laughed evilly, taking great pleasure in watching the man squirm in agony, taking her revenge for Laxus's behavior when she asked him for help to protect the guild against the Phantom Lord guild and trying to kill Wendy, letting her sadistic side out to play.

Adding insult to injury, Mirajane grinded her shoe into Laxus's manhood, eliciting new screams of agony from the blond.

Finally finished with her torture, Mirajane kicked Laxus in the side before walking away, stopping to look over her shoulder.

"Know your place!" and resumed walking away.

In the next universe:

A pink haired girl stopped walking with her friends as she thought about something.

"Hey Moka, are you okay?" asked a concerned Tsukune.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I just realized that I should probably go visit my cousin Mirajane sometime."

Back at Fairy Tail:

Mirajane smiled happily as she wiped down the bar, her fellow guild members restoring the guild to tip-top shape as Laxus was carried out by him team to get cleaned up.

As a few hours passed, many of the other guild members began to filter in, such as Gajeel, Levy, Lucy, and Gray; but Mirajane noticed that two members of the guild were missing.

"Hey Cana." asked Mirajane, turning to the brunette who was sipping on a beer, "Where is Natsu and Erza?"

Cana grinned, "Where do you think. Erza challenged Natsu to another 'spar'."

Mirajane blushed, understanding what Cana meant by 'spar'. After Natsu beat Erza twice with his new technique, Erza challenge Natsu to a spar every day, only for it to end the same.

First Erza would proclaim how she had a new strategy to be Natsu.

"It's simple!" said Erza, "I will simple engage Natsu in a long range match, making sure to stay out of his evil, perverted, reach!"

Then Natsu would manage to break Erza defenses.

"Damn you, Natsu! Let go of me this instant! I am going to kill you when I get out of this. GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY ASS!

Sometimes, Erza would play a submissive role when Natsu broke her defenses.

"Natsu! I am sorry for sucker punching you when you tried to give me a hand up. I didn't mean it! Please don't punish me.

Then the spanking would commence, getting two reactions out of Erza.


"Kyaah, I am sorry, Natsu! Please don't punish me! I been a really bad girl and I'm sorry!"

Or perverted

"Ooohhh! Spank me harder, my dragon master! Your naughty knight has been disobeying you and needs to be punished!"

It would then end with Erza cumming over Natsu leg, passing out, and Natsu putting her in the medical ward. The pattern repeated itself for over two weeks.

Then Natsu pulled out the big guns.


Mirajane watched from the sidelines as Natsu and Erza sparred. Erza trying her hardest to attack Natsu, while Natsu actually used his brain for once, and dodged into of trying to attack head on, waiting for an opening in Erza's defense.

Mirajane had to admit, Natsu was quickly becoming a dangerous mage to face in combat. Whoever was training Natsu may have taught Natsu some perverted techniques, but he did teach Natsu some simple ideas that helped him in a fight.

First, he taught Natsu to increase the heat around him in a fight using his magic. This forced Natsu's opponents to sweat, causing said sweat to make his opponent uncomfortable and sometimes trickling into their eyes, making it harder for them to see. Second of all, it exhausted them faster due to the heat making it seem like they had been fighting for a longer period.

While it was simple, the distractions caused Natsu opponents to get sloppy after a while, hoping to end the match before they died of a heatstroke and this caused them to make mistakes.

Erza learned this the hard way.

It happened in slow motion.

Erza overextended a swing, giving Natsu an opening. Smoothly, he slid around behind Erza in a crotch, the palms of his hands pressed together.

Natsu then called out his technique, "Fire Dragon's One Thousand Years of Pain: Shocker Style!" as he thrust his fingers forward.


Mirajane couldn't help but blush from the sidelines, as she watched Natsu pleasure Erza.

"I am definitely going to have to spar against Natsu myself."

End Flashback

After that match, Natsu and Erza relationship began to change, for better or worse, depending on who you were asking.

Erza stopped hitting Natsu as often and took the time to explain why something he did upset her. This led to her having conversations with Natsu instead of bossing him around.

This led to Natsu actually thinking more about his action and how it affected those around him. He learned how to curb his habit of picking fights with Gray and his manners improved drastically.

Unfortunately, while the two's manners may have improved for the better, their actually relationship as man and woman became confusing.

It wasn't hard to notice how Erza would eye the dragon-slayer when she thought he wasn't paying attention. She would stare at Natsu until her face reddened and blood began to leak from her nose.

Everyone quickly learned to never mention this to Erza, especially after what happened to Gray.

Mirajane shivered, they were still finding blood spots around the guild.

Natsu was just as bad. Everyone always thought that Natsu would never notice women in anyway outside of friendship, but they were slowly being proven wrong. Natsu would be easily caught staring at Erza when her back was turned. The reason he was caught so easily due to the fact when he stared lustfully at Erza, anything around him would catch on fire.

Something that Gray once again learned painfully.

Yet, neither of them was brave enough to express their interest verbally, leading to them challenge each other a spar, which ends with a bottomless Erza getting spanked over Natsu's lap.

Speaking of Natsu and Erza…

"We're back!" called a red faced Erza as she and Natsu walked into the guild.

"How was your 'sparring'?" joked Cana.

Erza blushed beet red, "That's none of your business!"

"Hey, I am just asking because maybe I want to 'spar' with Natsu sometimes."

"YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING!" roared Erza as she unsheathed her sword, preparing to slay Cana where she sat.


Erza looked up to see Makarov walking down the stairs.

"Erza, I have a document I need taken to the post office, perhaps you can do it for me?"

Erza nodded, "Of course, master!" she quickly walked over to receive the document, and with a final glare at Cana, went on her way.

In town:

Erza successfully delivered the document and was currently making her way back to the guild, lost in thought.

"I should probably apologize to Cana." thought Erza, "I may have overreacted a little bit."

"You think?" Erza looked at her left shoulder, where a miniature version of her wearing a pure white gown, a golden halo, a pair of wings and a harp in her arms, stood.

"You threatened to cut her in half over your overprotective/perverted tendencies towards Natsu. You should go apologize to her at once!"

"To hell with that!" Erza looked to her right shoulder and blushed. On her right shoulder stood a miniature version of her wearing an outfit that made her armors looks like a nun's robes. She simply wore a red thong, a tiny red bra, blood red thigh high boots and sported a pair of red devil horns and a red tail with a spade tip above her scantily clad bottom.

"We should have sliced her tits off! Nobody hits on our man!"

"He is not our man!" argued Noble Erza, "He is just a heathen who keeps having his way with are virgin body!"

"Bullshit!" yelled Perverted Erza, "We started most of those matches against him, knowing we would lose, just so he would spank us!"

"Liar!" seethed Noble Erza, "As a maiden of all that is good and moral, we must defeat Natsu before his perverted reign can continue!"

Perverted Erza scoffed, "Someone is in denial much! If I remember correctly, someone decided to stay up late last night to masturbate to a few mental videos of Natsu spanking us!"

"That was you!"

"Oh. Well I know you were doing it to! I masturbated to the time he tied us to a tree and spanked us, when I went to switch to that movie, the video of him holding us down and spanking us was playing. I know it wasn't me, so that means someone has been playing a game of tickle the kitty!"

Noble Erza blushed, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Kami, you are one repressed bitch!"

"What did you call me!?"

"I didn't stutter!"

"That's it! I'm taking you done once and for all!"

Noble Erza then squeezed into Erza's ear to get to Perverted Erza.

"Bring it bitch!" screamed Perverted Erza as she met Noble Erza in Erza's head to teach her a lesson.

Meanwhile, Erza shook her head a few times, trying to push the mental catfight to a corner of her mind.

"Erza!" called a voice behind her.

Erza turned around, "Jellal!?" asked Erza, shocked that her childhood friend would be in Magnolia.

Jellal grinned as he skidded to a halt in front of her, "How are you doing Erza?"

Erza smiled, "I am doing well, Jellal."

Jellal smiled, "I am glad to hear that. Erza, I have been doing some thinking, and I have something important to tell you."

Erza simply nodded for Jellal to continue, "Well, you remember during the Grand Magic Game when I rejected you and lied about having a fiancé."

Erza frowned as she remembers the moment and nodded.

"Well, during that time, I still hadn't forgiven myself for the wrongs I committed while I was mind controlled. I didn't think I deserved you until I completely repented for my sins. Well, I finally feel that I have, and I wanted to ask you to consider giving a relationship a shot?"

Erza's eyes widened in surprise. Out of everything Jellal could have asked, that was one of the things she did not expect.

If he had asked her a few days ago, she would have happily said yes. But now… it wasn't as simple as before.

Her relationship with Natsu had become a lot more complicated than expected. She went from seeing him as idiotic, younger, brother to a capable young man. A man who managed to best her, save Fiore multiple times, and did it with a smile on his face.

The only time she recalled him not having a smile on his face was when he saved her from the Tower of Heaven, where he scolded her for throwing her life away.

Then, when she started having actual conversation with him, she realized that Natsu was much more complicated then she could have imagined.

She learned that his favorite colors were white, red, and yellow. That he spent his time he wasn't on a mission or in the guild training to master his lightning-flame dragon mode. That he enjoyed cooking and one day wanted to eat the Sun.

She also learned that he always looked up to her, and wanted to become stronger so she could let her guard down more.

While she wasn't able to admit yet, she knew in her heart how she felt about Natsu.

She loved him.

She loved him with all of her heart and while Jellal would always hold a spot dear to her, he couldn't compare to the dragon-slayer.

Realization dawning on her, Erza smiled sadly as she spoke to Jellal, "Jellal… I am sorry, but I don't love you like that anymore. I love someone else."

Jellal jaw dropped, this was something he wasn't really expecting, "Are you sure… I mean, we could at least give it a shot."

Erza shook her head, "I am sorry but my heart belongs to someone else. I hope that we could still be friends though."

Jellal clutched his chest, feeling as if someone just speared him through the heart.

He, Jellal, has just been put in the friend zone.

Even if you don't care for the guy, you have to feel for him.

Frowning, Jellal nodded, "I understand. But, how about a hug before we part ways?"

Erza smiled as she stepped into Jellal's open arms and hugged her friend, glad that their friendship would hold.

"Now, I just have to express my feeling to Natsu. Maybe I should leave a few hints to show I am interested? Or maybe I should take charge in the relationship?" thought Erza.

While Erza was thinking, she didn't notice Jellal pull a small pink strip out of his pocket and placed is on the back of her neck, where it quickly dissolved in her skin.

Last time we saw Jellal, he was working on a special potion, and that strip was the final product of his experiment. You see, Jellal knew there may have been a chance that Erza might have refused his offer, so he decided to create a potion that would encourage to target to pursue what their heart desire.

Since Jellal hadn't talk to Erza in a while, he didn't know about her spar with Natsu or her newly awakened feelings for the pink-haired mage. He assumed she still had feeling for him that she had a hard time expressing.

Well, that strip would help her with that.

The problem is… Jellal isn't that great of a potion maker.

Kick ass mage, yes.

Expert Heavenly magic used, yes.

One of the biggest emos in the Fairy Tail universe, yes.

Potion creator, no.

So, Jellal decided to contact a former ally of his, Professor Franken Stein, about a potion that can help loosen people up.

Stein sent him the recipe for Lysergic acid diethylamide, commonly known as LSD.

So, Jellal made the spell and focused some of his magic and a few charms to create a potion that would loosen the user up and push them to pursue their one true love.

Basically, Jellal just injected Erza Scarlett, one of the strongest mages in Fiore, with magical LSD.

As Erza let go of Jellal, she absent mindedly rubbed the back of her neck, "Okay, well I'll see you around Jellal!" as she began to walk away, not noticing a pink glow shining from her eyes.

Jellal smiled, "I'll see you soon, Erza!" "Okay, now to head back and prepare the most romantic night that Erza has ever seen."

Erza smiled as her thought focused on Natsu, "I can't wait to get back to the guild! Maybe Natsu has been training and is taking a shower. As a good teammate, I should join him!"

"I agree!" said Perverted Erza.

"As do I!" said Noble Erza.

Now, lets recap.

We now have Erza hopped up on magical LSD, with loosened morals, lusting after Natsu, with both her perverted and noble side agreeing on how to get it on with Natsu.

Yeah, there is no possible way this could go wrong.

Back at Crime Sorciere:

Ultear calmly read from her magazine as Jellal happily skipped into the room.

"Hey, Ultear! Can you take Meredy and go somewhere tonight? I have to prepare for Erza."

"Oh, so she agreed to a date with you?"

Jellal frowned, "Not exactly. But I used my new potion on her to help her follow her heart desire, so she should be here soon."

Ultear frowned as she recalled Jellal for test drive with the potion.


Ultear massaged her temple for the umpteenth time as disco light shined throughout the building with dubstep blaring from the speakers.

"Mama?" asked Meredy, as she stepped up to Ultear.

"Yes, dear?"

"What is Jellal doing?"

Ultear sighed as she glanced behind her. Jellal was currently dancing on a disco floor, with neon glow sticks in his hands, neon rings around his neck, and only wearing a pair of bright green speedos.

"IT'S SO EXOTIC! SO MANY COLORS!" cheered Jellal as he danced to the music, blown out of his mind.

"Mama?" asked Meredy, sufficiently scared as Jellal began to dirty dance with a mop.

"Just don't make eye contact dear. You'll only encourage him if you make eye contact."

End flashback.

Remembering the horror of Jellal's experiment, Ultear quickly made a beeline to her room.

"Meredy!" called Ultear, "Pack your things; we are going on a vacation. Preferably to another universe!"

Later that night at Natsu house:

Natsu's home shook as the young dragon slayer let out a beast of a yawn, before sleepily scratching his lower back.

"Boy." said Natsu, "Today sure been hectic, sparring with Erza, kicking Gray's ass, and causing mass amount of destruction, huh Happy? Happy?"

Natsu frowned as he finally noticed that his exceed wasn't in his hammock. Natsu shrugged, "Maybe he is hanging out with Wendy and Carla."

Letting loose another yawn, Natsu quickly changed into his pajamas and hopped into his bed.

Snuggling into his bed, Natsu slowly allowed himself to be lulled to sleep.

Until he heard the sound of a window opening.

While most people would be concerned by this, Natsu wasn't.

He could easily take any robber in a fight and there was the off chance that it could have been Happy coming home.

Mind at rest, Natsu quickly slipped into dream land.

Thirty minutes later:

Natsu blinked as he felt a pair of arms wrapped around his torso. Taking the time to study his surroundings, Natsu looked down to see a mess of red hair on his chest.

"Wait a second… RED HAIR!"


"Yes?" asked the red head as she cuddled closer to Natsu.

"What are you doing here?"

"My dorm burned down and I needed a place to stay."


"I doused a couple of outlets with gasoline and left a pipe bomb against the main structure."


"I mean… freak accident!"

"Oh. Okay then."

Nodding, Erza snuggled against Natsu. This was when Natsu realized something.

That Erza was cuddling him while naked.

"Erza, why are you naked in my bed?"

"Well, this is your house Natsu, why aren't you naked in your bed?


Shrugging, Natsu held onto Erza and quickly drifted off to sleep.

Only waking up to smack Erza's hand when it got into his pants 'accidentally'.

The next day:

Team Natsu sat at one of the tables in the guild conversing with each other.

"So basically, when you are preparing a monster for dinner, you have to make sure you drain and collect the blood as well as the brains. They are a valuable source for vitamins and minerals." said Erza.

Lucy flushed green, "Thanks Erza, will remember that when me and Natsu go on are mission tomorrow."

Erza blinked in confusion, "What mission?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you!" started Lucy, "Natsu and I are taking a mission tomorrow to work on are teamwork. We'll be gone for a week!"


"Oh, my! Erza are you okay?" asked Lucy looking at the broken glass littering the table after Erza crushed it in her hands.

"I..I am okay Lucy. But your mission, couldn't you take Gray?"

"I can't!" quickly said Gray, "Mistress Juvia wouldn't allow it!"

"Mistress Juvia?" asked the rest of team Natsu.

"NO! Did I say Mistress Juvia? I mean Juvia. The woman I am not a sexual Mistress/Slave relationship with. A relationship where she kidnapped me and made me submit to her every desire. No, not Mistress Juvia… Wait, I mean Juvia! Not Mistress Juvia who looks so sexy in blue thigh high heels, with a blue thong, and corset, as she whips me for being a bad boy!"

"Okaaaay." said Lucy, "But yeah, mean and Natsu will be spending two weeks alone on a mission, sharing a room, working together, creating deep physical and emotional relationships."

"Yeah!" said Natsu, "By the time we get back, will be the best teammate in the guild." smiling at Lucy when he finished.

Erza eye twitched as she heard this. For anybody else, it was two friends going away to creating a stronger bond between the two.

For Erza, she heard how the evil, perverted, Lucy planned to seduce and have her way with her lovable, innocent, Natsu it went like this:

"Yeah, Erza! I am going take Natsu away from you for two weeks. I am going to use my body to satisfy his every sexual desires and by the time I am finished, he will have forgotten all about you!" said perverted Lucy, as she hugged Natsu tightly to her chest.

"Yep. Lucy said she wanted to show me a lot of things that two really close friends can do. Like strip poker and taking showers together. Lucy also said that we wouldn't need condoms; Erza what are condoms?" asked Natsu as he struggled to breath while being pressed into Lucy's melons.

Erza blushed as the images of the celestial mage and the fire dragon-slayer performing the beast with two back played through her mind.

"It's okay, Erza. Just inform everyone that you need to take Natsu aside for a talk and explain why you are uncomfortable with him going on a mission with only Lucy."

Nodding, Erza put her plan into action.

"SO JEALOUS!" screamed Erza, as she smashed her head into the table, destroying the table and scaring everyone nearly half to death.

With that done, Erza got up and grabbed Natsu and dragged him out of the guild.

"That was perfect!" thought Erza as she congratulated herself.

Erza quickly led Natsu into an alley and pushed him against the wall and glared at him.

"Now, Natsu. Do you know why I did that?" asked Erza.

"Because I didn't spoon with you last night?" said Natsu

"That's part of the reason."


"The second part of the reason is that I don't want you to go on a mission with Lucy."

Natsu frowned, "Why not?"

"Well, because blondes like Lucy, they….they….they'll eat your penis if you go to sleep around them!"


Erza grinned, "Yep, blondes eat the penis of any man who is stupid enough to sleep in the same room with them by themselves!"

"I didn't know that, but it makes so much sense! Happy said that Lucy wears that skimpy underwear to get a man, he must not have known that it was to trap a man and eat his penis!"

Erza nodded, "Exactly! That why you can't go on a mission with her!"

"But Erza, I can't tell Lucy! She might try to kidnap me and eat my man-meat!" cried Natsu, completely terrified by this point.

Erza smiled as she pulled Natsu into a hug, "Don't worry Natsu, I'll take care of this and then you and I can take care of each other."

"Wait was that?"


Later on that day:

Lucy whistled happily as she walked back to her apartment. She wasn't sure what was up with Erza or what she did to Natsu, but she never seen the dragon slayer so terrified before.

It was even worse when she ordered a hotdog for lunch. She could have sworn that Natsu nearly died of fear.

Yet, she still found him incredibly cute and with two week to themselves, she could find out where their relationship could go.

As these thoughts ran through her head, as she walked up the stairs of her building and into her apartment.

"You're finally here."

"KYAAAA!" screamed Lucy as she spun around to fight her intruder.

"What… ERZA!"

Erza simply nodded as she sat on Lucy's couch, leg crossed and hands placed neatly in her lap.

"We need to talk." said Erza as she motioned for Lucy to take a sit across from her,

"Um… Erza, how did you get in my house?"

"Because I'm Batman."


"Nothing! Anyway, Lucy, we need to talk about your relationship with Natsu. The team, and by the team, I mean me; believe it would be best if you kept your relationship with him completely platonic. No kissing, hugging, or anything like that." Having said her piece Erza stood up to leave, "Yep, just keep it platonic and it works out for everyone. Well, I have to go, thank you for the talk."

Erza smiled at Lucy and made her way to the door.


Erza froze in place upon hearing that word. She slowly turned her head to look back at Lucy, her head down causing her hair to cover her bangs, making it impossible for Lucy to notice the pink rings in her eyes.

"What did you say to me?"

Lucy gulped as the temperature in the apartment dropped but she resolved to stand her ground, "If I want to pursue a romantic relationship with Natsu, then I will! You can't stop me from falling in love with him or him from falling in love with me!" by this point, Lucy's adrenaline was pumping, giving her more courage than usual, "If I want to see where my relationship can go with Natsu, I will. I won't let anybody stop me, not dark mages, not the guild, and not even you!" yelled Lucy.

By this point, Lucy was standing directly in front of Erza and she ranted at the Queen of the Fairies, who remained silent during the entire spiel. Lucy grinned; she finally stood up for herself against Titainia! If she could do that, it would be easy to ask Natsu out on a date.

Unfortunately, Lucy didn't know that Erza was on a moral loosening magical form of LSD. Sober Erza would have congratulated Lucy for her bravery and wished her luck in the competition for the pink-haired dragon-slayer's heart.

Magical LSD Erza… well, not so much.

Erza simply smiled as she lifted her head to look Lucy in the eye, "Wow! That was quite a rant Lucy! But, it's going to be hard for you to ask Natsu out if you're injured by all of the safety hazards in your apartment!"

Lucy frowned, "What safety hazards?"

Erza grinned evilly as she led Lucy to the fire extinguisher hanging from the wall, "Like this! Lucy, how about you check the expiration date on it to make sure it works!"

And Erza, being the great friend she is, helped Lucy do this.

By repeatedly bashing Lucy head into fire extinguisher.

She was even nice enough to show Lucy the dangers of falling down stair, as well as what damage could be done to the head when said person is dragged back up the stairs by their legs and thrown down again.

Ten times.

Yeah, Magical LSD is a hell of a drug.

The Next Day:

"Hey, Lucy! How are you- OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!?" screamed Natsu.

Lucy groaned as she took a seat with her friends, minus Erza. The only way anyone could tell it was her was by the stray tuffs of blonde hair stick out from the bandage mess that was her face, leaving only one eye for her to see with. Her right arm was held in a cast and her left arm was wrapped tightly in bandages.

"It was horrible!" she began, "I was going home and when I opened the door to my house, you won't believe who was waiting for me!"

"Who?" asked Gray and Natsu.

"Yes, Lucy. Who did this to you?"

Lucy froze as a gauntlet covered hand was placed on her shoulder.

"We will have to punish whoever did this to you but, remember, during the time it takes for us to find your assailant; they may hear word that you snitch on them. They may decide to shut a loud mouth bitch up, mostly by pulling her teeth out with a pair of rusty screwdriver, and shoving her celestial keys so far up her ass, every time she burps, she'll summon a spirit."

"Wow!" said Happy, completely ignoring how Lucy paled around Erza, "That sounds horrible! Anyway, who attacked you Lucy?"

"Uhh…" started Lucy, as she looked around the room, trying her hardest to ignore Erza giving her the evil eye. "A fire extinguisher did it!"

"A fire extinguisher!"

"Yeah! I got ambushed by a fire extinguisher… and a set of stairs!"

"That is… totally believable!" yelled Happy, "Natsu, I told you that stairs and fire extinguisher were teaming up to take over the world."

"Happy, I am not the smartest guy in the room." "That's an understatement." "Fuck you, Gray! You frozen-ass, two dollar, stripping, bastard! Anyway, I don't think stairs and fire extinguishers are capable of doing that."

Happy tsked, "Natsu. If cars can talk in movies, then obviously fire extinguishers and stairs can take over the world."

"Happy, that doesn't make sense."

"I am a blue, flying, talking, cat! I don't have to make sense! Now, no more talk, time for violence!" screamed Happy, before he flow off towards the guild's stairs, prepared to battle to the death.

"Wait Happy! I want to commit acts of senseless violence too!" cried Natsu, standing up to join his friend.

"Wait a second, Natsu!" called Erza as she grabbed Natsu's arm and pulling him down beside her, "I want to enjoy some quality time with you."

"Really? Okay then, what do you want to do?"

"How about we talk?"

Nodding, Natsu and Erza began to converse, ignoring Gray and Lucy, and Happy battle with the stairs.

As they discussed the events of the day, Natsu couldn't help but smile as he and Erza enjoyed their time together. He was getting worried that their relationship was getting weird after spanking her so many times.

"Well, I guess not!" thought Natsu, "This is just like old times, Erza and I, sitting at a table, talking about missions, Erza's hand slipping into my pants, wait a second…"

Natsu blushed as he definitely felt Erza's hand grab hold of his manhood and slowly began to stroke it. Turning to Erza, who simply continued her conversation, now conversing with Juvia and Cana as well.

Erza smiled slyly as she watched Natsu slump over, greatly enjoying her perverseness and its effect on the pink-haired dragon slayer.

"Now, all I have to do is sneak Natsu into the alley behind the guild and let the sexy time begin!"

"Hey Natsu. Can you help me with something behind the guild?" innocently asked Erza.

"Giggidy." said Natsu as he prepared to leave with Erza,

"Erza, wait a second!"

Erza growled as her vision turned red, "What do you want Mirajane?"

"Well, I need someone to help me get supplies from the harbor."

"Why do you need my help? Natsu and I had something really important to take care of."

"Yeah, but Master stated that retrieving supplies from the harbor was an S-class task, and you remember what happen when we let Laxus do it last time."

Erza shuddered, no one wanted to recall what happened the last time Laxus went to the harbor.

"Fine, let's just make it quick! I'll be back soon Natsu." said Erza, as she pulled her hand out of Natsu's pants, leaving the dragon slayer flustered and aroused.

"Natsu, help!" cried Happy, "The stairs and the fire extinguisher are teaming up on me!"

Natsu stared as Erza and Mirajane walked out the guild doors, still unsure of what happened. He shrugged, and did what he always did best.

"Don't worry Happy! I got your back, FIRE DRAGON'S ROAR!"

"Natsu, you're burning down the guild!"

Be a destructive son-of-a-bitch.

Mirajane hummed happily as she walked down the street, gratefully for her enhanced strength when it came to carrying the packages of food and materials for the guild.

She did note that Erza seemed to be…agitated. Shifting from foot to foot, moving the packages around in her arms and shivering.

"Erza are you okay?"

"Of course, why do you ask?"

"Well, you seem a bit… off, and your behavior around Natsu-eep!"

Mirajane cried out as Erza grabbed her dress and slammed her into a wall.

"What do you know about Natsu? Are you seeing him? Are you trying to steal him from him? If so, I'll pop your tits like balloons!"

"Erza calm down!" Mirajane cried, trying to placate the drugged up red head, "I'm not doing anything with Natsu!"

Erza eyed Mirajane skeptically before letting her go, "I'm sorry, Mira. I don't know what's up with me but when it comes to Natsu, I can't think straight."

"Well you two relationship have changed over the last few days." said Mirajane as she began to pick up the fallen packages, "Maybe you like him!"

Erza blushed, "Me! Like that idiot! Never! He's a no-good, destructive, fool who's always willing to help his friends. Who put up with my treatment of him and still considers me a friend. Who easily risked his life to save me and makes my heart flutter whenever I think of him…dear kami, I love Natsu!"

Mirajane giggled, "That's wonderful Erza, and you have to tell him!"

Erza gulped, "I know, but when should I do it?"

Mirajane scratched her chin, "How about tomorrow night? I'll make sure the guild is empty except for you two!"

"Mirajane, that would be wonderful! Thank you!"

Mirajane smiled, "No problem, Erza! Now, let's get back to the guild."

Grinning, the two friends continue they trip. As they walked, a thought came to Mirajane.

"Erza, what if Natsu doesn't accept your feelings?"

"Oh, I would go on a murderous rampage. I would snap Lucy's neck, disembowel Gray, skin Happy and the exceeds, murder everyone else in the guild in a gruesome fashion, and rape Natsu on top of your decomposing bodies, coating our bodies in your blood. Why do you ask?"

"…No reason."

Later on that night:

The men of Fairy Tail sat at a table in the guild. After Natsu lit the stairs on fire, the guild erupted into chaos as the members' hurled magic back and forth, causing more damage. Since the men caused most of the damage, Master Makarov ordered them to clean it up. Well, most of them as Gildarts and the older mages left the work to the younger mages.

This worked for about two hours.

"KAMI, I AM SO HORNY!" roared a drunken Laxus, who took to drinking ten minutes into clean up, convincing the others to join him.

Taking another swig of his drink, Laxus let out a belch and patted his stomach, "Freed! I need you!"

Freed sighed as he put down his drink, "I know this day would come." he said and reached under the table and pull out a boom box. He put the boom box on the table and pressed play.

"When I get this feeling, I need sexual healing."

Nodding to himself, Freed gripped the shoulder of his shirt and pulled, tearing off his entire outfit, leaving him in a bright green speedo.

"Okay," said Freed as he crawled onto the table, "I didn't pack a sheet or anything and this table is made of wood, so we should probably do a cowboy style variant, or if you are really insistent, I could stand a few splinters." Finished laying down the ground rules, Freed gave Laxus a come hithim look, "Okay, come and get it."

Everyone stared at Freed, unsure of what exactly was going on.

"-to get me some antacid."

Freed blinked, "What?"

"My stomach hurts, I wanted you to get me some antacid." said Laxus.

"So… you didn't want to use my body to satisfy your sexual needs?"

Laxus shook his head.

"And there never was a chance of the other guys joining in and making it a gangbang?"

Everyone quickly shook their heads.

"Hmm, well, this is awkward."

"Anyway," said Laxus, getting everyone attention, "Let's go to a whore house!"

"What? Laxus we can't do that, Erza would kill us!" cried Gray.

"Yeah, but only if she knew." grinned Laxus, "and I am not going to tell."

As realization dawned on them, the guys began to share identical grins at the prospect of finally being able to let loose without Erza to mother them.

"It would be very manly for us to go to and visit woman to demonstrate our manliness." declared Elfman, with the others, except Freed, agreeing.

"Yeah, let go to the whore house!" cheered Jet and Droy, until Laxus grabbed the by the back of the head and slammed them into the table.

"Second class characters do not get to have sex with prostitutes!"

Jet groaned as he lifted his head from the table, "Come on Laxus, we want to get some pussy too!" only for Laxus to crash his head into the table again.

"YOU WILL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT! Now, you two clean this guild, the rest of us, to the hookers!"

"YEAH!" cheered the men as they followed Laxus out of the guild.

Thirty minutes later:

Laxus grinned as he led his friends up the stairs of a gothic style, 3 floor, home, "Welcome to Madam Morri's Pleasure Palace, home of some of the greater hookers in Magnolia!"

"Oh, Laxus. Your words always warm my heart!" spoke a sensual voice as the doors to the building open. In its wake, stood a green-haired, busty, woman, wearing a dark purple, floor length dress that clung to her body almost if it was painted on, and a pair of high heels.

"Welcome to my pleasure palace, where I have a variety of women to suit your needs. Please come inside." She said, motioning for the men to enter.

"Okay Morri, enough chat, it time for me to get my dick wet. WOMEN PREPARE YOUR BODIES FOR MY RAUCOUS LOVEMAKING!" roared Laxus.

"Oh Laxus, you are such a treat!" giggled Morri, "One day your soul will be mine to burn in the deepest pits of hell!" "Anyway, girls please come on down!" called Miri as she clapped her hands and motioned towards the grand stairwell.

At her call, a variety of women made their way down the stairs and fell in line to be chosen.

Laxus rubbed his hands in glee, grinning like a child in a candy store, "Wonderful! Okay, which one of your girls is the toughest? My last whore couldn't stand my all-mighty love making."

"That would be me!" cried a voice as a woman kicked her way to the front of the women. She wore a purple dudou on her chest supported with eight straps that meet on her back, forming a spider pattern. She wears long, baggy, off-white colored trousers and purple tights, and long, fingerless gloves. Her fingernails and toenails are painted bright pink and her dark hair was styled into two horn-like bangs at the top of her head, with Taekwondo foot wraps.

"The name is Juri Han, and I think I am the woman you're looking for!"

Laxus scrutinized the woman, "I don't know, you look kind of scraw—ahh!" screamed Laxus as Juri easily slipped into his defense, grabbed his arm, and hurled him across the room into a wall.

"Who's scrawny now?" smirked Juri, dusting off her hands.

Laxus shook his shoulders off as he stomped over the Juri, towering over the woman.

"Woman, prepare your body."

"Bring it on, you bleach blonde bastard."

Nodding, Laxus grabbed Juri and threw her over his shoulder and carried her into a room.

This led to everyone else pairing up as the men and the women began to intermingle.

Natsu jumped when he felt a tap on his shoulder, turning around to come face to face with a woman no older than him, wearing a blue full body suit and her hair done up in a pair of ox horns, "Hi, I'm Chun-li!" she introduced herself, "May I entertain you tonight?"

"Sure." said Natsu, not exactly sure why Laxus brought him there in the first place, as Chun-li grabbed his hand and dragged him upstairs.

"What about you cutie?"

Gray turned around to see the most attractive woman he ever seen. Wearing a pair of unbelievably short daisy dukes and a white halter top, leaving her toned legs and six pack for the world to see.

"My name is Poison, do you want to spend the night with me Sexy?" whispered Poison as she traced a circle on Gray's chest.

Gray blushed at the attention, "Sure, that would be great!"

Poison smiled as she led Gray upstairs, "Say, how open are you to surprises?"

Happy grinned as he turned to Pantherlily, "This is going to be great! I guess it's time for me to introduce these women to my patented kitty style!" said Happy as he prepared to find a woman only for a hand to grab him and Pantherlily.

"I'm sorry you two but cats are not served here." said Morri.

"What! That's racist! Just because Pantherlily is a black cat doesn't mean you can kick him out!"

"She's not just talking to me, you idiot!" yelled Pantherlily.

"What! You're kicking me out! But I'm a blue cat, Lily is a black cat, obviously I am more trustworthy then him!"

"The reason I am kicking you two out is one, none of the women here are in to bestiality, and two, do you even have a penis?"


Twenty minutes later:

Happy pouted as he and Pantherlily lazily flow through the city, "I can't believe that lady kicked us out, I should sue her!"

"Well, she did bring up a good point. Where is our penis?"

"I don't know,…wait a second, what is a penis anyway?"

Pantherlily shrugged, "Hey, there's Erza! Let's ask her!"

"Hey, Erza!" called the two exceeds as they neared Titania.

"Oh, greetings Happy and Pantherlily, what are you doing out this late?"

"Erza, what's a penis?"

"Something that I been trying to get Natsu to fuck me with… I MEAN, why do you ask?" said a flustered Erza.

"Well, Laxus took the guys to a whore house, and after all the guys went with a woman, we couldn't because we don't know what a penis is?"

"… Did you just say that Laxus took the guys to a whorehouse?"

The exceeds nodded.

"…Did he take Natsu with him?"

Nod again.

"…Did Natsu go into a room with a woman?"

Nod again

"Hmmm… where is this whore house again?"

"It right down the road… Erza, where are you going?" called Pantherlily as Erza took off down the road.

"I am going to have a talk with a few people, and maybe buy some matches and gasoline, I'll be back soon." called Erza, her eye glowing with a pink light.

Erza, commonly known as Titainia the queen of Fairy Tail, was a woman not to be crossed. No matter what crossed her path, she will find a way to triumph over any obstacle. She was the moral, guiding, light for other and a woman all respected and adored for her beauty, strength, and courage.

This same woman currently had highly, potent, magical, LSD pumping through her veins, encouraging her to follow her heart's desires.

All of her desires focused on Dragneel Natsu.

She would do everything in her power to make him return her love.

And should she catch him with another woman…

Then, the world will see a rampage so ferocious, that the damage done could only be compared to the rampage a kyuubified Uzumaki Kushina went on when she discovered Jiraiya tried to sell Minato to various women to pay off his debts.

Kami, help us all.


Jiraiya eyes widened in horror as a dark feeling course over him.

"There is an angry red head nearby."

Jiraiya still ached from the beatings Kushina gave him for doing anything perverted and involving Minato.

He still ached from the beating she gave him when he held a Minato-hunting tournament for the women in the elemental nations.

He still couldn't piss straight from her Kyuubi powered kick.

Not wanting to take any chances, Jiraiya quickly grabbed his things and prepared to leave.

"Oh Jiraiya-kun, you are not leaving are you. My bed is so… lonely."

Jiraiya froze as the purple haired beauty known as Rose beckoned him back to bed, the sheets seductively hiding the wonder that was her body.

"Okay, Jiraiya, think! Self-preservation or getting laid. Save my ass or get some ass. Escape from an angry, red, head or sleep with a sexy, purple, head."

As Jiraiya ponder this predicament, Rose sat up in bed causing her sheet to fall, leaving her torso exposed.

"At least I'll die doing what I love." thought Jiraiya as he quickly climbed out of his clothes.

Alright, this is the end of chapter 3, and chapter 4 will be the final chapter for A Win is A Win.

Okay, here is the situation for all of my stories. I highly doubt I am going to return to my older stories, I just haven't found the passion to go back. I have found a strong passion to create new stories in the Fairy Tail, Naruto, Bleach, and One Piece universe. Here are a few previews.

Nut up or Shut Up:

Sometimes a man is given a choice, a choice to tame the beast or fall to the way side. When Ichigo finds a bottomless Yoruichi bent over for him, it's time to nut up.

"Ichigo," started Zangetsu, "Look at that masterpiece." as he pointed towards a large screen in the sky of Ichigo's inner world.

"That my friend is no ordinary ass. That ass is DAT ASS! Please, Ichigo, to hell with your morals, saddle up and ride that donkey."

"No way!" screamed a blushing, "I can't do anything like that, Yoruichi would think I am some kind of pervert!"

"Ichigo, this is the same chick who parades around in front of you naked, who is currently been over, ass in the air, waiting for you to mount her. Come on, she wants the dick man!"

"I said no, Zangetsu!"

Zangestu cried out in frustration as he pulled at his hair, "Ichigo please, Hichigo has been trying to hump that screen since it popped up there, there is nothing but sexual tension in here."

Ichigo looked harder at the screen to see that indeed, Hichigo was furiously humping the screen.

"The answer is still no!"

"If you don't, everyone is going to think your gay."

Zangetsu was not above peer pressure.

There's Always Strings Attached.

Basically a parody of Dragon mate stories. Erza simply thought that having sex with Natsu would be a one-time thing. For him, it is, but Erza finds herself wanting more. Unfortunately, dragons never cared for monogamy.

Laxus, Do You Like Fish Sticks?

When Sting cracks a joke on Laxus, he forgot the one, unspoken, rule of Magnolia. Never crack jokes on Laxus because he does not take jokes well.

I Will Make You Epic(Wait For It) Dary Chapter 2.

I am really happy about how this one is coming along. I have plenty of enemies, friends, and crossover to continue the epicness that is this story. I could use help adjusting power levels between battles. For instance, I want to include a Nitro from Toriko in an upcoming chapter, but I am having a hard time considering how much of a threat it would be in the anime battleverse. Help and opinions always welcome.

"GAAH!" gasped Natsu as he pulled himself out of the water he nearly drowned in, "Geez, where am I?" as he looked around the room. Along the walls was an array of sinks and mirrors, and apparently he landed in some kind of hot tub. Also, he wasn't alone.

"Hey Erza, what are you doing here… and why are you naked? Hey, you go brazillian nice!" said Natsu as he gave her a thumbs up.

"KYAAAH! PERVERT!" screamed 'Erza' as she scrambled out of the tub and ran to the sink.

"Man, I don't know if I tell you this enough but you ass is fantastic!...Is that a Rainbow Dash tat—ACK!" cried Natsu as Erza hit him in the head with a sink she pulled out of the wall. Erza quickly pounced on the unconscious warrior and began to punch him in the head to make sure he was down.

"Knightwalker! Are you okay? We heard you scream!" called Sugarboy, as he and a squad of guards burst into Erza's bathroom, only to find her naked, straddling Natsu, and all of her movement and flailing about did not help their judgment.

"Knightwalker, honey. I know I told you to get laid some time, but I didn't think you would go kidnaps someone and rape them."

"AHH! YOU DAMN PERVERTS, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" screeched Knightwalker, as she lunged at them, ripping the squad to shreds.

Jellal groaned as he rose from the ground, taking note of his strange surroundings.

"Where am I… and why do my ass hurt?"

"Welcome to Hell, boy."

Jellal spun around to see a white and purple, humanoid alien standing behind him with a bored expression on his face.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Freiza, your mentor for your time in Hell."

"WHAT?" screamed Jellal, "How did I get here? How did I die? I-" realization slowly dawned on Jellal, "Natsu!"

"Yep," said Freiza as he walked over to pat Jellal on the back, "You my friend, have just learned something that almost all of the bad guys down here know."

"What's that?"

"Never piss off a super saiyan. Anyway, let's see if we can find Babidi to pull that boot out your ass."

"So, Natsu." asked Cana, wearing a skimpy bikini as she suntanned on a boat in the middle of the ocean with Natsu and Happy, "What does that dagger do again?"

"I'm not sure. Apparently, I am supposed to play it and create a companion link with the dragon it summons." said Natsu as he played with the dagger/flute, "Well, anyway, let's give it a shot!"

With that, Natsu put the flute to his lips and… it played like a trumpet. As the melody continued, the water around the boat began to stir.

Cana shivered as a strong, magical, aura began to grow and surge, "Happy, do you feel that?"

"Ay!" called the blue tiger, "There is something in the ocean!"

"Really, let me see!" yelled Natsu, as he stopped playing and ran to the side of the boat, "Hey, something is down there. Eh, come up here so I can talk to you?"

"Uh, Natsu. I don't think it is a good idea to yell at a magical creature that is that strong." whispered Cana.

"Don't worry Cana, I'll just hop in the ocean, punch it in the face, and it will listen to me!" and with that Natsu dived into the ocean.

Cana sweat dropped as Natsu disappeared below the surface, "Does Natsu know how to swim?"

"Nope!" said Happy as he gnawed on a shark he fished from the ocean.

As Natsu sunk to the bottom of the ocean, he frantically looked around for the source of the magical power, until he stopped sinking.

"I couldn't have hit the bottom yet." Thought Natsu, only to turn around and stare into a large pair of red eyes, of a creature who was not happy to have been woken from its sleep.

"I might have made a huge mistake." thought Natsu, as the sound of a drill spinning to life filled the air.

Alright, folks. This is the end of this chapter and if you need a fix of Fairy Tail crack, check out my other stories Giraffe, Bears, Periods; Oh My! and I Will Make You Epic(Wait For it)dary, and leave a review. Reviews make authors feel all happy and glowly inside.

Or it could be the LSD.